Your Majesty is Poisonous – Chapter 1

Prologue

With a crack, the door threshold, long since eaten hollow by insects, finally broke.

Xibao lifted her eyes and saw Pockmarked Granny Liu at the door, teetering on the verge of falling. She looked just like a roly-poly toy¹ made from an eggshell painted like a New Year’s doll at a temple fair. Xibao found the sight comical, but she couldn’t bring herself to laugh. The corners of her mouth drooped heavily as she plotted in her heart how to completely extinguish her “good sister-in-law’s” ambition of selling her to a wealthy family as a concubine.

In Xibao’s view, the matchmakers of ancient times were little different from pimps; both would push people into a fiery pit² for a small profit. It was just her bad luck to have transmigrated into a body with no parents, only a so-called brother and sister-in-law whose eyes seemed to be inlaid with copper coins.

Her brother, Sun Ergou, was a greedy, gambling street loafer, and his wife, Liu-shi, was even lazier by nature. For two years, the couple had worked her like a beast of burden, which was one thing. But just the other day, Sun Ergou had lost big in a gamble. With debt collectors about to come knocking, the two of them had set their sights on her.

From the moment she arrived, Xibao had harbored a hidden worry about the original owner’s excessively pretty appearance. In a feudal society where women had not yet been liberated, being too beautiful was not a good thing. This was especially true when she was saddled with such a black-hearted brother and sister-in-law. See? Weren’t they already planning to cash her in to pay off gambling debts?

She had lost count of how many matchmakers this was. All the previous ones had been driven out by Xibao.

Xibao’s sister-in-law, Liu-shi, smiled and went forward to steady Pockmarked Granny Liu, saying, “Third Aunt, you’re early.”

After regaining her footing, Pockmarked Granny Liu looked down with resentment and disdain at the splintered threshold. “Once you get the betrothal money, you should fix this broken-down house,” she said before walking into the dim room.

It was dark inside. Xibao sat on the kang bed, mending clothes by the light of an oil lamp, not even bothering to raise her head. When she had first transmigrated, she had been very respectful to Liu-shi. As the saying goes, when in Rome, do as the Romans do. No matter what kind of modern woman was reborn into such a society, she had to accept her fate. There was no point in making an enemy of the whole world, right? So she didn’t mind taking on all the housework; none of it was difficult, and she was a quick learner. But for Sun Ergou and his wife to try and ruin her life for a bit of money—for that, they couldn’t blame her for turning hostile.

“What betrothal money? Are we so brazen as to sell people in broad daylight now?” Xibao put down her sewing basket and sat up straight, looking at Liu-shi.

Liu-shi opened her mouth to curse, but then she remembered the advice from her Third Aunt, Pockmarked Granny Liu. If her little sister-in-law truly won the favor of some great master, they might need to beg her for help in the future. So, she swallowed her anger, forcing an ugly smile onto her pancake-like face. “What nonsense are you talking about, you child? Your sister-in-law has worked hard to find a way for you to marry into a rich family, and now you say I’m selling you? I advise you to stop being so stubborn. There are plenty of pretty young girls out there, but there are only two families with any real wealth in our town. What’s there for you to be unhappy about?”

Seeing Xibao remain silent, Liu-shi switched from persuasion to playing the victim. “He’s your own brother. Aren’t you worried he’ll be beaten half to death when the debt collectors show up?”

Worried? Xibao wished Sun Ergou would be beaten to death. She watched the spluttering Liu-shi with cold detachment, as if watching a play, curious to see what else the woman would say.

“Beating your brother is the least of it. When the time comes and our family can’t pay, those moneylenders will grab you and sell you into Fengyue Alley³… tsk tsk!” Liu-shi gave Xibao a meaningful look. “By then, no one will want you as a concubine⁴. You’ll be stuck there selling your body…” Liu-shi felt her words were too harsh and, fearing Xibao’s anger, she glanced at Xibao’s face, which had turned the color of soy sauce, and obediently shut her mouth.

Xibao wasn’t afraid of the debt collectors. She was sick and tired of these fucking days of being worked like an animal and subjected to frequent beatings and scoldings. She had already found out that a large household in the Capital City was hiring maids. She would find a job for herself, and once she saved enough money, she would buy a small shop. It was better than staying in this house and being sold by others.

Since Liu-shi had stooped to saying something as vile as “selling your body,” Xibao didn’t hold back either. “If you’re that desperate for money, Big Sister-in-law, why don’t you clean yourself up and become a secret prostitute! You two squandered the entire dowry our parents left for me, and now you dare to scheme about trading me for money? I advise you to give up that idea right now. Otherwise, if you push me too far, the worst that can happen is I die. And when I die, I’ll be sure to bring my dear brother and sister-in-law along to keep me company on the road to the underworld. A family should be neat and tidy together,⁵ after all!”

She was still holding back. If she were to truly unleash her talent for cursing without using profanity, she feared she might scold Liu-shi to death on the spot. After speaking, Xibao felt much better, but then a wave of grief washed over her. She thought of her parents living a thousand years in the future, of those leisurely days she spent at home. The new drama she was chasing was only two episodes from the finale, but now she would never know who the killer was.

Pockmarked Granny Liu, wanting her matchmaker’s fee, tried to mediate between the two who were arguing heatedly. “Why must a sister-in-law and her husband’s sister spoil their harmony? And you, Second Niece, you’re right too. Of course a marriage has to be something the girl, Xibao, is willing to do.” She figured that as long as she properly described how wealthy and glamorous Great Master Yuan’s household was, an unsophisticated girl from a poor family like Xibao couldn’t possibly hear it and not be tempted. A girl with this kind of temper needed to be coaxed gently. With decades of experience in the matchmaking field, Pockmarked Granny Liu was very experienced in handling such situations.

Smiling, Pockmarked Granny Liu walked to the edge of the kang bed and sat down next to Xibao, studying her face carefully in the dim yellow light.

“Such a fine face, simply… simply…” Pockmarked Granny Liu was illiterate. When praising a girl’s looks during matchmaking, she only had a few phrases that she repeated like a spinning wheel. Most of the time, she didn’t genuinely think the girl was attractive. A matchmaker’s job was to praise both sides. She didn’t dare lie about concrete things like houses and land, so she could only talk about how beautiful and gentle the girl was, or how strong and filial the young man was.

But this Sun family girl was a truly rare beauty. A girl raised rough in a poor alleyway had somehow grown a complexion fairer and more delicate than that of a noble young lady. Her brows, eyes, nose, and lips looked as if they were modeled after a fairy in a painting, making it impossible for anyone to look away.

“Third Aunt is one of us; I won’t spin lies to trick you like other matchmakers. This Master Yuan, so many families have begged me to build a bridge for their daughters! But how could Third Aunt bear to give such a good opportunity to outsiders? The Yuan family owns a cloth business, with several shops even in the county town. And what’s even rarer, this Master Yuan only has twenty-one concubines. His main wife passed away, and he hasn’t taken a new one since. You’re good-looking and young. If your belly is competitive enough to birth a big, healthy son, it’s not impossible for you to be promoted to the main wife in the future… I heard from your sister-in-law that you’re good at everything, just a bit of a glutton? You have no idea how exquisitely the Yuan family eats. You know sweet pastries? The Yuan family eats them as snacks every single day.”

Xibao’s eyes nearly rolled into the back of her head. She was a glutton, but not to the point of selling herself for some pastries. Never mind that this Yuan fellow had twenty-one concubines; he was old enough to be her great-grandfather. Xibao abruptly stood up, pointed at the door, and said to Pockmarked Granny Liu, “Scram!”

Not only had she been cursed out, but seeing Xibao’s attitude toward her Third Aunt, Liu-shi felt completely humiliated by her. Her temper flared, and she lunged forward to fight Xibao.

It was Pockmarked Granny Liu who kept her cool. She quickly dragged Liu-shi outside and whispered, “If you scratch up her face, who will want her? Listen to me, soften up first and placate this wild girl. Once a date is set with the Yuan family, we’ll just knock her out and send her over. You’re too honest. Are you really going to wait for her to nod her head? A little slip of a girl like her doesn’t get a say in this matter.”

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It was dusk by the time he got off duty. Liufu kept his head bowed low as he hurried out of the Bureau of Imperial Gardens.⁶ The autumn weather was cool, but his forehead was covered in sweat. His hat, soaked through, clung uncomfortably to his head.

As he exited the palace gates, a horse-drawn carriage stopped in front of him. The driver leaned out eagerly, smiling as he called, “Sir, where are you headed?”

Liufu turned his head and glanced in the direction of the Directorate of Ceremonial,⁷ a sudden fear gripping him. If he took this step correctly, he could win a great future. If he took it wrong, this worthless life of his would be forfeit.

Seeing that this eunuch didn’t seem to be leaving, the driver flicked his whip, intending to look for business elsewhere. He hadn’t gone far when he heard the eunuch calling him from behind and stopped again.

“To Xiangqing Hutong,” Liufu said as he settled into the carriage, raising a sleeve to wipe the sweat from his face.

He had no way out. He had been in the palace for over a decade and was approaching the major threshold of thirty, yet he was still just a low-ranking attendant in the Bureau of Imperial Gardens. He had no ambitions for great wealth, only wanting to save some silver so that he wouldn’t be too destitute when he grew old and left the palace. The Bureau of Imperial Gardens was in charge of purchasing fruits and vegetables, so it wasn’t a completely dry post with no chance for kickbacks. But how could any of that grease fall into his hands? From the Director Eunuch down to the Deputy Director, then the Assistant Director… by the time it trickled down, there was nothing left for those at the very bottom.

As for lucrative assignments like delivering the fruit rations to the masters of the various palaces, that was even more out of his reach. After all, if one encountered a more generous consort, the money and gifts she bestowed could equal a junior palace attendant’s salary for half a year.

Liufu had gone without a single promotion in over ten years, not because he was incompetent, but because he had no connections. The old eunuch who had taken him under his wing had committed a grave error not long after he entered the palace and was beaten to death with rods. He had been lucky to avoid being implicated, but he had never managed to latch onto another connection. Although eunuchs were men who had been cut off from having descendants, they were paradoxically the ones who valued lineage the most. Those desirable positions that opened up were treated as if they were hereditary. If you had no connections, you could expect to remain a junior palace domestic until you died!

Xiangqing Hutong arrived in a flash. Liufu paid the driver several times the fare and instructed him to forget about today’s events. Then, he went to a teahouse at the mouth of the alley and ordered a portion of crispy duck and two taels of Cang wine. He had always been stingy with money, so today was a real extravagance. Only after slowly chewing and savoring his meal did he walk toward the large residence in the depths of the alley—the private home of Meng Delai, Director of the Eastern Depot.⁸

“I trouble you two to announce me. Liufu, a palace domestic from the Bureau of Imperial Gardens, requests an audience with the Director of the Depot,” Liufu said, bowing to the guards at the gate.

Seeing his attire, the guards knew his rank and didn’t even give him a proper look. One said in a passive-aggressive tone, “If you have business, you should have your supervisor from the Bureau of Imperial Gardens come. The Director is occupied with a myriad of state affairs every day. Does he have to personally see every cat and dog⁹ that shows up at his door?”

Such words would have made an ordinary person feel humiliated, but a man who had entered the palace to become a eunuch had already walked the most shameless path. He had heard far worse things.

Liufu kept a smile on his face. He stepped forward, took all his savings out from his sleeve, and passed them into the guard’s sleeve. “This matter is of great importance and cannot be delayed.”

The guard’s expression softened slightly. He was afraid of holding up the Director’s business on his own account, but also afraid this junior eunuch would disturb the Director over a trivial matter and he would be punished as a result. Just as he was hesitating, a man in a brown official uniform and a small pointed hat, looking to be in his thirties, came out from inside as if he knew someone had arrived. Liufu knew he was an agent¹⁰ of the Eastern Depot and hurriedly bowed.

“Follow me!” the man said, leading the way. Liufu walked behind, bent at the waist with his head lowered, trembling.

Liufu had served in the palace for over a decade. Although he hadn’t enjoyed many fine things, he had seen plenty of grand displays. Even so, he was still amazed by the layout and furnishings of Director Meng’s private residence. Even the flagstones paving the garden were of the highest quality jade, polished like mirrors.

“Wait here,” the man from the Eastern Depot ordered Liufu to wait under the corridor. After a while, he came back to fetch Liufu. The two of them twisted and turned for a long time, so long that Liufu could barely remember the way out. Finally, the man brought him to a door. “Go in!”

Once he had no path of retreat, he no longer felt as timid and anxious as before. Liufu licked his dry lips and walked into the gloomy room.

There was a strange fragrance in the room. Liufu didn’t dare let his eyes wander. He knelt on the floor and reported, “This slave, Liufu, greets the Director of the Depot.”

“I hear you have something to report in person?” Meng Delai asked Liufu from behind a glazed screen.

“Yao Xian, the son of Left Censor-in-Chief Yao, only lasted for half an incense stick’s time after being castrated before he expired…” Liufu was drenched in a cold sweat. He shouldn’t have known about this. He was just a junior palace domestic from the Bureau of Imperial Gardens, with no connection whatsoever to the Purification Room. But by a stroke of luck, he had gone to the Purification Room to deliver something today and happened to see Yao Xian bleeding uncontrollably. In less than the time it takes for half an incense stick to burn, he had breathed his last.

Liufu knew about the grudge between Master Yao and the Director. Years ago, Master Yao had exposed the Director’s son, Meng Guangshen, for embezzling military funds, which landed Meng Guangshen in the great prison. At that time, the Director had not yet ascended to his current position; he was just a Chiliarch in the Eastern Depot, but his cruel methods were already infamous. The Eastern Depot’s reach didn’t extend into the Ministry of Justice Prison, and inside that prison were countless people who had been harmed by them. Thus, not long after being imprisoned, Meng Guangshen died a mysterious death.

The Director had held this grudge against Left Censor-in-Chief Yao Hezheng ever since. Meng Guangshen was his only son from before he was castrated and entered the palace. No matter how many adopted sons he took later, they could never be his own flesh and blood. The Director hated Master Yao. After gaining power, he had framed the Yao family for a major crime. The Emperor, mindful of the Yao family’s generations of meritorious service, only decreed that the family be exiled to the Southern Frontier.

Meng Delai was naturally not satisfied with this result, which was why he had ordered someone to secretly capture Yao Hezheng’s only son, Yao Xian, before the family departed. He brought Yao Xian into the palace for two reasons: first, to end the Yao family line and avenge his dead son, and second, to keep Yao Xian in the palace for a greater purpose.

Meng Delai had long anticipated that Yao Xian’s frail constitution wouldn’t withstand the ordeal; he had never intended for Yao Xian to live. He figured that once Yao Xian died, he could just find some boy to stuff into the palace as a replacement.

“To die so cleanly is letting him off easy.” Meng Delai’s voice was as gloomy and strange as ever. After a long moment, he emerged from behind the screen, draped in an outer robe, and sat in a chair in the outer room. He said to Liufu, “How do you know of this? Do you recognize Yao Xian?” No matter how powerful he was, he wouldn’t dare to openly bring Yao Xian into the palace. How could this junior eunuch know that the deceased was Yao Xian?

“This slave happened upon it by chance while on an errand. It’s quite a coincidence. The year before last, the Emperor bestowed gifts upon the Yao family, among which was a crate of seasonal fruits from the southeast. This slave happened to see Young Master Yao once when I went along to carry the items,” Liufu said honestly.

He vaguely sensed the mysterious hand of fate. When he had chanced upon Young Master Yao all those years ago, how could he have imagined that this beautiful young man would become the key to his own advancement? If he hadn’t carried things to the Yao residence, if Young Master Yao hadn’t been an unforgettably handsome young man, if he hadn’t gone to the Purification Room to deliver things today… if any one of these things had been different, he would never have had the opportunity to get close to Director Meng.

“Why are you the one reporting this? Where are the people from the Purification Room?”

“Those in the Purification Room who knew what happened have fled, fearing they would be held responsible. This slave did not dare to raise an alarm and waited until after my shift to hurry here and report to the Director.”

“You are quite clever, not like those other worthless ones.” Meng Delai knew what this junior eunuch was thinking. He only asked, “Is Yao Xian still in the Purification Room?”

“This slave feared someone might see, so I took the liberty of burying the body in the backyard of the Purification Room.” Liufu gradually calmed down. The arrow had left the bow. Whether great fortune or a dead end awaited him was not something he could predict.

“Mm~ You have some courage.” Meng Delai stood up and paced slowly to his desk. He pulled out a silk scroll and threw it to the kneeling Liufu. “Find a boy of similar age and appearance according to this portrait of Yao Xian to take his place! Don’t use the knife, lest he can’t take it and dies too.”

Meng Delai felt that this junior eunuch’s appearance was truly opportune. The Eastern Depot could now completely distance itself from this matter. In the future, even if the Emperor found out, the blame could be entirely shifted onto this junior eunuch named Liufu. At that time, he would only need to say that this junior eunuch, wanting to curry favor with the Eastern Depot, had audaciously committed these acts. After all, the blood feud between him and Yao Hezheng was known throughout the capital.

As for the boy who would replace Yao Xian in the palace, a teenager in his teens would naturally change in appearance over a few years, which would be a plausible explanation. All he needed was Yao Xian’s identity; who wore that identity was not important at all.

Don’t use the knife? Wouldn’t that be a fake eunuch? Liufu secretly broke out in a sweat, but he didn’t dare say more. He only said, “This slave obeys the order.”

Having received his orders, Liufu remained kneeling. After a moment’s hesitation, he gathered his courage and said, “It’s just that… this slave is merely a sixth-rank junior attendant with no silver. I’m afraid finding someone will be difficult…”

“You’ve got some nerve.” Though Meng Delai said this, he felt a bit more fondness for this junior eunuch. He was in need of people right now. Unfortunately, most eunuchs had their spirits ground down. Few were ambitious, and those with both ambition and courage were even rarer. “Get the silver from the treasury on your way out. As for promotion… come back to claim your reward after the job is done. If you mess it up, don’t dream of promotion and wealth. Just end yourself!”

“Yes.” Liufu breathed a sigh of relief. Regardless of whether he could get promoted, at least his life was safe for now, and he had gotten the silver. But then he was faced with another problem. The Director had only given him three days. Where was he supposed to find someone to fill Yao Xian’s place? And he couldn’t publicize the matter. If he dared to leak a single word, the agents of the Eastern Depot would immediately show up at his door to take his life.

Liufu picked up the portrait, tucked it into his robes, and bowed his way out.

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With only one day left of the three-day deadline, Liufu, who still hadn’t found anyone, regretted ever getting involved in this mess. Not only was there no hope for promotion and wealth, but he was also going to lose his life. In his despair, Liufu asked his supervisor at the Bureau of Imperial Gardens for a half-day’s leave and went to Xiyuan to get roaring drunk with an old flame.

When he was a little tipsy, Liufu told the prostitute about his difficult task. But he still had some sense left, only saying that he needed to find a young master but had no leads, without revealing who it was for.

The prostitute was also drunk, leaning limply on Liufu’s shoulder, she laughed and said, “Master Liu, you’re really muddled. When it comes to finding people, in this entire capital region, you have to rely on the matchmakers. Especially the experienced ones. They’ve walked the streets and alleys for decades. They can find out how many people are in which household with just a few questions.”

Liufu sobered up with a jolt. But he was a eunuch and had never dealt with matchmakers before. He had to ask his companion again, “Do you know any?”

The prostitute propped up her head and yawned lazily. “Go out of Xiyuan, turn left, and in Liushu Hutong there’s a Pockmarked Granny Liu. She knows everything, not just in the capital, but in all the villages within a ten-mile radius.”

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Xibao waited until Liu-shi was asleep before secretly packing her bundle. The debt collectors could show up at any time, and she was afraid that, just as Liu-shi had said, she would be seized to pay the debt. She had secretly saved a little silver over the past few years, less than two taels, but it was enough for travel expenses to the capital to find a job.

Traveling at night was too dangerous, and besides, the government had a curfew order. No one was allowed to wander around after the second watch.¹¹ Xibao could only wait for dawn to slip away quietly.

But before the sky brightened, her bastard brother Sun Ergou, who had gone out to hide from his debts, returned. Xibao heard someone clattering around in the kitchen, and soon an annoying voice came from that direction: “Lazy hag! Get up and cook this old man some porridge.” He was calling for Liu-shi. Xibao hid her bundle under her quilt and went to sleep uneasily in her small partitioned room.

She wouldn’t be able to leave for now. Xibao closed her eyes, trying to sleep, but her eyelid twitched violently, as if something bad was about to happen.

She slept for a long time. When she woke up again, Xibao found herself lying on a clean, small bed with a blue cloth mattress. Her surroundings were no longer the cramped little room of the Sun family, but a palace chamber with carved beams and painted rafters. Her hands and feet ached faintly, as if they had just been untied after being bound.

The newly promoted Assistant Director Liufu sat on a stool by the bed. He blew on the floating leaves in his teacup and chuckled softly. “From now on, serve peacefully in the palace. I bought you to fill someone else’s spot. Your little treasure is still there, and if this gets out, it won’t be good for either of us. Remember that, you hear?” Liufu felt his good luck had arrived. Not only had he found the person the Director wanted, but according to the Sun family, this boy, Sun Xibao, was also naturally incomplete.¹² Liufu had observed through the clothing, and what the Sun family said was true. Even more rare was that this Sun Xibao bore a striking resemblance to Young Master Yao; both possessed a celestial beauty.

Xibao’s mouth fell open, but no words came out… Had she… transmigrated again?

Liufu saw Xibao staring at him blankly, looking a bit dazed, and said with concern, “Don’t tell me Pockmarked Granny Liu’s drug was too strong and made him stupid?” As he spoke, Liufu reached out to feel Xibao’s forehead. Xibao flinched back as if electrocuted, dodging his hand and bumping her head hard against the headboard behind her.

“Don’t be afraid.” Liufu was in a good mood from his recent promotion, and his patience was ample. “Your brother and sister-in-law sold you into the palace for two hundred taels of silver. From now on, your name is Yao Xi. However, all the eunuchs in the Twenty-Four Offices¹³ have faced the knife. You’re the only one who hasn’t. Even though you’re naturally incomplete, you must still be careful in your conduct.”

Xibao barely managed to understand. She had still been sold by that dog couple, and what’s more, sold into the palace to be a eunuch!!!!

That dog couple had dressed her as a boy and tricked the buyer. But being discovered as a girl in the palace was a death sentence!!!! Xibao only regretted her soft-heartedness back then; she should have used rat poison to kill Sun Ergou and his wife while she was toiling in the kitchen.

“You’ll pretend to rest for a few days, then report to the Bureau of Imperial Gardens. The procedures have already been taken care of.” Liufu had been promoted into the Directorate of Palace Attendants. He followed Meng Delai’s instructions and did not take Yao Xi as an adopted son. No matter how innocent this boy was, he was wearing Yao Xian’s skin, and his future would not be a good one. All of Director Meng’s people had been notified not to take Yao Xi in. But he was handsome, and Zheng Dayun, the adopted son of Director Tang of the Directorate of Ceremonial, was a pervert who would surely take the bait.

It was only then that Liufu understood the true purpose of Director Meng’s convoluted plan.

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