Volume Two: An Abundance of Blossoms Always Feels Lonely
Surging Emotions
Sharing a Bed, Reliant on Each Other
Thunder roared outside the house, and lightning split the sky in half, appearing and disappearing faintly. Liu Qianxun closed the window and looked deeply at the person in the dark, sneering coldly. The Shura Sect’s people are truly dedicated; Ling Yu issues an order, and they dare not slack even a bit.
The bed was very wide, with two quilts placed separately on the inner and outer sides.
“Xun’er, I can sleep on the floor,” Qin Junlan, out of gentlemanly demeanor, always felt she should not share the same bed with her at such times.
“No, that day I drank too much and heard you sat on the floor all night. I feel deeply guilty; how can I let someone of your status humble yourself like that?” Liu Qianxun, recalling that night’s companionship, always felt a warm sentiment in her heart.
“That was my willing choice to stay. Your body was unwell, how could I leave? Moreover… I am just an ordinary person; once outside, there is no so-called status, no talk of humility.” Qin Junlan did not intend to let Liu Qianxun know her identity, at least not now; what happens later is unknown.
A person of her status will not easily expose herself, except in sincere heart-to-heart exchanges; she cannot reveal her identity. Liu Qianxun understands this reasoning better than anyone; an emperor’s heart is not so easily breached.
“I think you might not like being close to people and are unwilling to share the same bed with me. If so, let’s switch this time; I’ll sleep on the floor, and you sleep on the bed,” Liu Qianxun said, holding the bedding and intending to spread it on the floor, her displeasure evident.
Qin Junlan hurriedly stepped forward to stop her, “Xun’er, I don’t mean that. I’m afraid you might mind; you used to keep people at a distance and treat them coldly. I fear you resist being close to others.”
“That’s because I didn’t know you before.”
Qin Junlan looked at her, dumbfounded, not knowing how to respond.
Liu Qianxun gazed at her, stepped forward, her tone gentle, eyes like water, “Are you concerned about my identity?”
“Hmm?”
“I am a woman of the dust, the courtesan queen of all Jidu, Hong Yuan. Although I bear the title of selling art, not the body, ultimately I expose myself, pleasing those men. Many look at my face, imagining in their minds how to obtain my body.” Her expression was distant, speaking lightly, yet revealing the helplessness and melancholy of someone from the dust.
“Nonsense! How could I be so pedantic because of your identity and…” At this point, Qin Junlan was extremely frustrated, fearing her identity is not just a courtesan queen. If everything were that simple, how great it would be.
“And what?” Liu Qianxun’s eyes filled with a layer of sadness, waiting for Qin Junlan to finish the sentence. But she ultimately said nothing, just weakly moved her lips, “It’s nothing… rest.” Qin Junlan walked to the bedside, deeply exhaled, “I am used to sleeping inside, how about you?”
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“Outside.”
Qin Junlan nodded and, after taking off her outer clothes, lay on the innermost side of the bed, not only keeping a distance from Liu Qianxun but also suddenly becoming cool and distant.
Liu Qianxun lay on her side with her back facing Qin Junlan, who was not sleepy at all. She always slept in a very proper and disciplined posture. From a young age, she was strictly taught how to eat and in which posture to sleep, all according to palace etiquette.
The rain outside the window gradually lessened, but the sounds of thunder and lightning still rose and fell. Though there was no sound, Qin Junlan still felt ripples in her heart. Being so close to Liu Qianxun brought her joy, but also fear and frustration. Sometimes she wanted to be close, but the lack of clarity about her left her feeling insecure.
She could feel Liu Qianxun’s gaze fixed on her, yet she dared not turn her head, somewhat afraid of meeting her eyes, fearing that each additional glance would deepen her feelings. Her heart carried too many burdens; she had never desired someone to be close to her as much as she did now. This person before her stirred her desires and longing, leaving her with a sense of uncontrollable unease.
She doesn’t lack the courage to face her own heart; she lacks the courage to face Liu Qianxun’s identity and that unknown past. Who can predict how many schemes and secrets a person’s heart can hide? Until she figures it out, she cannot allow this person to invade her heart.
Liu Qianxun noticed Qin Junlan’s thoughts wandering, her mind not focused on her, and felt a surge of disappointment. Was it always her being self-indulgent? Even sleeping next to her didn’t stir her thoughts and desires. Was it all just her imagination?
Did she miscalculate? Was she being self-indulgent? The taste of that recent kiss still lingered, yet why is it so cold now? Liu Qianxun suddenly felt maybe she doesn’t understand her at all. Although she carefully calculated, wanting to refuse yet welcome, at the final step, she still couldn’t cross.
Liu Qianxun lay flat, sighed slightly, with her back facing Qin Junlan, saying nothing.
The sound of water drops from the eaves echoed through the night. Liu Qianxun felt no sleepiness, only a slight chill, longing for a hug. For years, she had been alone, unable to sleep peacefully at night, curling her body, tightly hugging herself. Is Qin Junlan truly so indifferent to her? Not even willing to give her a hug.
Why is there such disappointment in her heart, even a trace of sadness? Is she feeling melancholy because the plan isn’t going smoothly, or has an inappropriate thought arisen in her heart? She dares not think further.
“Xun’er, are you asleep?”
Just as Liu Qianxun’s thoughts were wandering, she heard Qin Junlan’s soft voice. So, she hadn’t fallen asleep either. Liu Qianxun suddenly became nervous, with a hint of expectation and excitement in her heart, not even knowing what she was expecting.
“No.” Her heart was surging, yet she remained calm. Her body still faced away, unmoved, wanting to see what Qin Junlan would do.
“Why are you not asleep yet?”
“Can’t sleep.”
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Liu Qianxun turned over and discovered Qin Junlan facing her. Through the dim candlelight and occasional lightning flashes, she could see the worry in her eyes.
When did she turn to face her? Liu Qianxun hadn’t noticed at all, or had she been staring at her back all along?
“Still worried about the people of Yuzhou?”
“Yes, but worrying is of no use. I’m fine, get some sleep, we still have to travel tomorrow.” Qin Junlan finished speaking and closed her eyes, burying all the words she wanted to say in her heart. She still couldn’t bring herself to speak, no matter how unwilling she was to admit it, it didn’t change the fact that she didn’t trust Liu Qianxun.
Originally, Liu Qianxun didn’t know why Qin Junlan would be like this. Seeing her so hesitant and indecisive, she understood that Qin Junlan simply didn’t trust her and was still doubting her identity. Usually, they had a good relationship, but when there was a real chance to get close, she stopped.
Qin Junlan is ultimately the Empress, indeed not easy to approach. The door in her heart can only be slowly opened. Her identity has always been a fog in Qin Junlan’s heart; until it clears, she won’t truly be close to her. Liu Qianxun believes Qin Junlan is not indifferent to her; precisely because she is moved, she is more cautious.
Liu Qianxun looked at Qin Junlan’s sleeping face, truly white like jade, her appearance stunning. Who has ever noticed that the Empress is such a peerlessly elegant person, and who dares covet her looks? She always wants to reach out to touch but then withdraws, her mood long lost its initial calm.
She raised her eyes, vaguely focusing, staring outside the window. The rainy night was slightly cool. Ling Yu, tonight is as you wished; what would you do if you knew? Would there be a trace of sadness and sorrow? Liu Qianxun suddenly felt pitiful; these two women both seemed to like her, yet each came to test her and did not believe her.
This endless scheming and guessing, when will it end? She suddenly felt very tired. Her heart was originally pure, only to help Ling Yu accomplish what she wanted to do; everything else had nothing to do with her. The life and death of Yuzhou’s people, what does it have to do with her? Who is the Emperor, who unifies the four countries, what does it matter to her?
She actually wants something very simple, but the person she loves has everything in her heart and embraces the world. She is destined to wander through life displaced.
What is she now? What is she to Qin Junlan? What is she to Ling Yu? She herself doesn’t know…
Qin Junlan did not fall asleep; she deliberately made even breathing sounds, pretending to be asleep. She slowly opened her eyes, looking at Liu Qianxun’s back. Though there is still distance in her heart, she still feels warmth. She is beside her, isn’t she? Maybe their hearts harbor other thoughts, maybe there are chasms they cannot cross, but at this moment, she is beside her, isn’t she?
Not knowing if deep feelings produce an involuntary instinct, or if it’s the inability to suppress the impulse to be close to her, Qin Junlan ultimately leaned against Liu Qianxun’s back, pulling her into her embrace.
Liu Qianxun’s body slightly trembled, somewhat stiff, but she could feel Qin Junlan’s even breathing. She did nothing, just peacefully held her. Liu Qianxun gradually relaxed; this embrace was very warm, solidly intoxicating her. Qin Junlan’s hand rested on her waist, with no further action. Liu Qianxun lightly touched her hand, and she naturally opened her fingers, tightly clasping her, holding her in her palm, the corners of her lips unconsciously lifting into a smile.
Qin Junlan, within inches of her, took a deep breath. The refreshing fragrance instantly invaded her entire being, filling her body with the scent.
“The time is not yet,” Qin Junlan kept repeating this sentence in her heart. She is not someone who covets beauty, nor would she take advantage of others. If there is mutual affection, achieving the beauty of union would become the most wonderful thing in the world. But now, there is still an insurmountable chasm between them. How could she pass through it?
At this moment, she wished she were not an emperor, just an ordinary woman, so she wouldn’t have to worry so much. She longed to wait for someone to grow old with, hoping to hold hands and watch flowers bloom and fall, as time flows like water. After settling affairs of state and finding a successor, she would abdicate and be carefree companions with that person.
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Even though there are countless words in her heart, they are difficult to speak to her. Just holding her hand, she couldn’t help but increase the grip. Liu Qianxun seemed to feel her heart; her body moved, she turned her head, looking at her.
“Yan’er, what’s wrong?” Liu Qianxun caressed her forehead, her fingertips sliding to her cheek. Qin Junlan’s eyes slightly closed, just shook her head. Liu Qianxun did not pursue further, just gently embraced her, feeling each other tightly clinging.
The two did not say much; neither said another word, nor did they delve deeper into each other. Just this night, they embraced and slept, striving to move toward each other’s hearts.
The unspoken silence made the entire air fall into quiet. Qin Junlan was sleepless all night, feeling that the person in her arms had no strength in their wrist. She slightly nodded, discovering Liu Qianxun had fallen asleep, just like that day, sleeping deeply and soundly.
She lightly touched her face, an uncontrollable sense of happiness overflowing from her heart. What is happening to her? Feeling so content, just watching her sleep beside her, there is an indescribable sense of satisfaction. If she could watch her sleep every day and greet her awakening in the morning, it would indeed be a great happiness.
It turns out she is the one who always needed a shoulder and a person to embrace. She closed her eyes slightly, enjoying this moment of intimacy, even if very brief, it was enough for her to savor for a long, long time.
At the fourth watch (3 AM to 6 AM), with the sky not yet bright, Qin Junlan had not slept all night. She slowly got up, leaned over, and lightly tapped her nose with a fingertip, her eyes full of affection and a broad smile.
