Volume 11: The Days of Traveling on a Train
I’m Sorry
Shen Maomao, I’m sorry
This was, without a doubt, a magnificent wedding. The entire amusement park was filled with the screams, cheers, and blessings of strangers.
Shen Maomao cried like a stupid cunt, so moved that tears just kept falling, rendering her speechless.
Lou Jingmo took her hand and said, “I know you might have some regrets, because getting married like this means your parents can’t witness your love—but don’t worry, I’ve already thought of that. Look over there—”
Shen Maomao looked in the direction she was pointing. The crowd parted, revealing Father Shen and Mother Shen standing behind everyone.
The old two mouths1 waved at her, their faces beaming with smiles. Her eyes, which had just barely dried, instantly welled up again. “How are you guys—!”
Surrounded by people, Mother Shen walked up to her and stroked her small, tear-streaked face. She smiled and said, “Xiao Lou contacted us a month ago. She said she wanted to marry you, asked for our permission, and even invited us to your wedding… Look at you crying. You’re about to be married, and you’re still crying like a little kitten.”
Shen Maomao pouted and hugged her. “I’m just moved…”
Mother Shen patted her on the back. “You and Xiao Lou are both girls, so there’s no distinction of who marries whom. You don’t need to worry about betrothal gifts or a dowry. After you’re married, you’ll be one family. She doesn’t have parents, so we’ll treat Xiao Lou as our own daughter. You two need to live a good life together, and come home to visit when you have time.”
At this, Mother Shen’s voice choked up a bit. “You said you’ll be living so far away… It really doesn’t sit well in my heart…”
The mother and daughter clung to each other, sobbing their hearts out. Father Shen stood behind them, unsure of who to comfort first. In the end, he just placed a hand on each of their shoulders and said, “It’s such a big happy day, what are you two crying for?”
Shen Maomao sniffled.
Lou Jingmo comforted her, “It’s okay. Once we’re done with everything we have going on, we’ll move from South City and buy a house right next to yours. You’ll be able to see us the moment you step outside.”
Mother Shen looked at Shen Maomao and said, “I’m not living across from you. Just seeing you is annoying enough.”
Shen Maomao wiped away a tear and shot her a wronged look.
The mother and daughter hadn’t seen each other in a long time, so they talked for a good while before finally stopping.
Once the two of them had said their piece, Lou Jingmo invited the two elders to take their seats nearby. Only then did she continue, “Now we have parents here to bear witness, but this environment doesn’t seem quite right for a wedding. However, I’ve prepared for that, too.”
She snapped her fingers again, and an employee who had been waiting for some time pulled the white cloth off the stage. On it were a cake, champagne, multicolored flowers, and a master of ceremonies dressed in a suit.
The master of ceremonies took the microphone to begin the ceremony. “Respected guests, dear friends, welcome to the wedding of Ms. Lou Jingmo and Ms. Shen Maomao! Please don’t be stingy with your hands—let’s welcome the two brides to the stage with a round of applause!”
Lou Jingmo took the hand of Shen Maomao, who couldn’t stop wiping her tears. The two of them, wearing matching wedding dresses, walked step-by-step to the highest point of the stage.
Dazzling lights shone down on them as the master of ceremonies asked, “Then, Ms. Lou Jingmo, are you willing to become Shen Maomao’s wife, to be with her and protect her forever, whether she is poor or rich, whether she is healthy or rich?”
Lou Jingmo said, “I do.”
“Then, Ms. Shen Maomao, are you willing to become Lou Jingmo’s wife, to love her forever, to never leave her side, whether she is poor or rich, whether she is healthy or rich?”
Shen Maomao: “I do, wuwuwu…”
“Then now! You may exchange your tokens!”
Shen Maomao wailed, “Oh no, I didn’t prepare a ring!”
Lou Jingmo waved to someone offstage. “I did.”
Someone immediately presented a ring box with both hands. Shen Maomao took the ring off her own finger to give to Lou Jingmo, then took the newly delivered ring for herself. Under the watchful eyes of the crowd, they slipped the rings onto each other’s fingers.
The master of ceremonies announced, “Then I declare, under the witness of us all! You are now legal wife-wife! You may now kiss your wife!”
Shen Maomao tossed her held flower into the sea of people and, wrapping her arms around Lou Jingmo’s neck, kissed her. The people below descended into chaos trying to catch the held flower. In the distant sky, electronic fireworks2 exploded with a boom. The streams of water in the music fountain3 pulsed rhythmically, and everyone in the amusement park swayed their bodies to the music. A joyous atmosphere was everywhere.
Though excited, the two on stage remained relatively restrained, stopping after a simple kiss.
Shen Maomao sniffled, looking at the ring on her hand. She kept her arms wrapped around Lou Jingmo’s neck, unwilling to let go. “I’m so happy! Lou Jingmo!!”
Lou Jingmo smiled. “I’m just as happy as you are.”
Shen Maomao said, “I’m going to add a chicken leg4 for this wedding planning company, 5555.”
“Add it!”
Lou Jingmo said, “So now, do you want to go on the sky-scraping wheel5 with me?”
Shen Maomao was shocked. “We… we can do that? In our wedding dresses?”
Lou Jingmo said, “Look at the time. The park would normally be closed by now. I decided to wrap the venue.6 You can ride whatever you want.”
Tears of excitement streamed down Shen Maomao’s face. “Is this the joy of being rich? This is so fucking7 awesome…”
Lou Jingmo didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. “Alright, now do you want to kiss on the sky-scraping wheel or not?”
“Let’s go, let’s go, let’s go!”
Surrounded by the crowd, the two of them walked toward the sky-scraping wheel that was open tonight only for them.
The sky-scraping wheel began to turn quickly. Shen Maomao snuggled into Lou Jingmo’s arms, finally managing to hold back her tears. She had to prepare to kiss Lou Jingmo, and she couldn’t let her snot cross the river again.
When the sky-scraping wheel reached its highest point, they kissed, backlit by the electronic fireworks, only breaking apart when they were almost back on the ground.
Shen Maomao stared at Lou Jingmo without blinking. “Wife… you look so beautiful in a wedding dress!”
Lou Jingmo: “You’ve adopted that title quickly.”
Shen Maomao: “Tonight, we’ll have our nuptial chamber!8 Tomorrow, we’ll go on our honeymoon trip! And we can take our wedding photos along the way! How about it?!”
Lou Jingmo: “No.”
Shen Maomao’s smile slowly faded.
Lou Jingmo: “Push your plans back a day. Tomorrow, we’ll go receive our certificate9 first.”
Only then did Shen Maomao’s smile return. “Whatever you say!”
After getting off the sky-scraping wheel, the proposal and wedding ceremony came to an end. The planning company began to clean up the site. The two changed back into their previous clothes behind a curtain, then drove her parents to a hotel near the airport before heading home.
The entire way, Shen Maomao couldn’t stop talking about the proposal.
She was truly moved and surprised—surprised that a dog cunt10 like Lou Jingmo could have a romantic side, and moved that she was willing to research all of this for her.
She couldn’t help but wonder just how lucky she was to have met Lou Jingmo right from the start. What virtue, what ability11 did she possess to make someone like Lou Jingmo fall for her?
Now, she didn’t want to think about anything. She just wanted to empty her mind, stay by Lou Jingmo’s side forever, and be the happiest woman in the world.
Since they had to go receive their certificate the next day, the two didn’t fool around for too long. By a little after nine, Shen Maomao was already barely conscious.
She let out a huge yawn, squeezing a few physiological tears12 from the corners of her eyes, and asked drowsily, “Did we forget something?”
Lou Jingmo thought for a moment. “No… I don’t think so.”
Shen Maomao hummed in agreement.
Lou Jingmo said, “Go to sleep. I’ll wake you up tomorrow morning.”
And with that, she closed her eyes completely and fell into a deep sleep.
The next morning, Shen Maomao wasn’t woken by Lou Jingmo, but by the ringing of her phone.
She was still too groggy to notice whose phone it was and just answered with a “Hello.”
The person on the other end said, “Hello, is this Ms. Lou? We’re from the 【Advertising Space for Rent】 Planning Company.13 While cleaning up the site yesterday, we found a backpack that seems to belong to your wife. When might you have time to come to our office to pick it up? Or you could give us an address, and we can have someone deliver it to you?”
In an instant, Shen Maomao was wide awake.
They had forgotten Puck!!!!
…
On the way to the 【Advertising Space for Rent】 company to retrieve Puck, Shen Maomao felt she was truly a terrible parent for having lost her child because of a proposal and a wedding.
Lou Jingmo wasn’t concerned in the slightest. After all, it wasn’t like Puck could be stolen.
Shen Maomao thought about it and agreed. This kid wasn’t exactly ordinary; there was no need to worry about anything happening to him.
But Puck, this spirit,14 had a huge problem with it. The moment he heard her voice, he started crying from inside the bag like a boiling kettle.
After thanking the staff, Shen Maomao carried the bag and started walking back, saying without looking down, “Stop crying, stop crying, we’re going to the supermarket right now! We’ll buy you whatever you want to eat!”
Puck sniffled. “Really?”
Shen Maomao: “When have I ever lied to you?”
Puck started wailing again. “You lied to me the day before yesterday… and the day before that…”
Shen Maomao reached into the backpack and covered his mouth. “Alright, that’s enough.”
To prove she was a trustworthy parent, Shen Maomao really did take Puck to the supermarket and bought him everything. In the end, it took both her and Lou Jingmo two trips to carry all the snacks upstairs.
Because they had lost Puck, they had to postpone all their plans. The next day, after settling the binge-eating Puck at home, the two of them got up bright and early to go to the Civil Affairs Bureau15 to get their marriage certificate.
Shen Maomao was even more nervous than on her wedding day. When it was time to take the photo, she almost forgot how to smile.
When they finally walked out with the little red book,16 she still felt a sense of unreality. “We’re… we’re married now?”
The corners of Lou Jingmo’s mouth hadn’t dropped the entire time. “What else?”
Shen Maomao sighed. “In the prime of my youth, and I’m already locked to death17 with you.”
Lou Jingmo narrowed her eyes. “Not satisfied?”
Shen Maomao quickly put on an apologetic smile. “How could that be? I’ve totally scored, okay?”
Only then did Lou Jingmo’s expression return to normal. She said, “Where do you want to go for our honeymoon?”
Shen Maomao: “Anywhere is fine… It’s not like there are many places we haven’t been. Anyway, as long as it’s not Russia—I’m not looking down on Russia, it’s just that I have a psychological shadow18 about it.”
…
Puck definitely couldn’t go with them. They were going on a honeymoon, not to look after a child.
So before they left, Shen Maomao laid down some rules for Puck, stockpiled another mountain of snacks for him, and told him to wait obediently at home and not to dismantle the house.19
Puck agreed with exceptional cheerfulness, showing not a hint of reluctance to see them go.
The very next day, Shen Maomao and Lou Jingmo boarded a plane and began flying all over the world, doing travel shoots20 everywhere.
They traveled like this for two or three months, only stopping their gallivanting when it was almost time for Shen Maomao to enter her next book.21 They returned home and hung an enormous wedding photo on the wall behind the sofa.
When winter arrived, Lou Jingmo finally had a premonition that she was about to enter a book.
Her next copy book22 was on December thirty-first, the last day of the year.
Shen Maomao was panicking inside, but she didn’t dare show it, because she was afraid Lou Jingmo would panic too.
She had been holding on to that Judas card, along with a few other cards that Lou Jingmo didn’t have. She would wait until half an hour before the time to give them to her.
When the day finally came, Shen Maomao started shaking her leg the moment she woke up. It was like she was stepping on a sewing machine;23 she couldn’t stop at all.
They followed their plan and exchanged the cards outside a nearby park half an hour beforehand. Sure enough, the instant Lou Jingmo held all twelve cards in her hand, the forum began a live broadcast of her location and the time of her next copy book—twenty minutes remaining.
Lou Jingmo immediately drove them home. They rushed upstairs and sat on the sofa to wait for her to go in.
Shen Maomao handed all of her own props over to Lou Jingmo. Unfortunately, Puck was completely bound to her, so there was no way for Lou Jingmo to take him along.
There were less than ten minutes left. Lou Jingmo looked at her seriously and said, “Remember, if something happens to me…”
Shen Maomao’s eyes were red. “I don’t want to hear it.”
Lou Jingmo stroked her small face. “If you don’t listen, then there will be no one left to save me.”
Shen Maomao wrapped her arms around her waist, tears streaming down her face. “Then say it.”
Lou Jingmo said, “If I don’t make it out, the cards will drop here. When you pick them up, remember to leave one behind. If you’re afraid of being targeted by the game, leave a few more. Don’t panic, and don’t rush. When you feel you’re ready to stand on your own, take all the cards and go find that creator in the game.”
“Mhm…” Shen Maomao could only nod in agreement.
Lou Jingmo repeated herself. “Don’t be scared, and don’t panic. I was the one who made the agreement with Tong Zhou, so if something really happens, our agreement is void. If you manage to escape successfully, wish for my revival, and we can start all over again together. If you fail, that’s okay too. I’ll be waiting for you in the copy book.”
Shen Maomao wailed, “Why does it sound like you’re sure you won’t make it out? Why don’t we just give up… Is there an option to give up?”
Lou Jingmo wiped away her tears with her thumb. “We’ve come this far. I’d be unwilling to die without giving it a shot.”
Time continued to flow onward without mercy, refusing to stop for even a second, no matter how much Shen Maomao prayed.
Soon, it was time to enter the book. Lou Jingmo closed her eyes. When she opened them again, she found herself in a place that was both familiar and strange.
Strange, because she hadn’t been here in decades; familiar, because she could never possibly forget this place.
“Lou Jingmo? Come and eat dinner! Mom bought your favorite garlic scapes24 today! What are you so moody about? If you don’t come out, Mom’s going to get upset!”
Lou Jingmo froze on the spot. Her mind and body felt as if they had been split into two separate entities. Her brain was a complete blank, yet she heard herself answer and then start walking.
The woman, wearing an apron, was placing dishes on the table. Then she said, “Your Uncle Ma25 is in the bathroom. Wait for him to finish before you go wash your hands.”
Her scattered thoughts snapped back into focus. Lou Jingmo whipped her head around to look toward the bathroom, the daze in her eyes vanishing in an instant, replaced by a hatred so tangible it felt real.
A tall figure pushed the door open. The moment she saw his face, she finally understood why Shang Zhou had said no one could ever leave the final copy book.
If the requirement for leaving was to not repeat one’s own sins—
Then she couldn’t do it.
…
No matter how long it took to pass the book, for Shen Maomao, it was only an instant.
A second later, Lou Jingmo’s eyes opened again. Before she could even say a word, she clapped a hand over her mouth and began to cough, each one more violent than the last, as if she wouldn’t stop until she’d coughed her lungs out through her throat.
Shen Maomao stared at her blankly, as if for a moment she’d forgotten how to think.
Puck flew a circle around Lou Jingmo. His sharp eyes spotted the fresh blood seeping through her fingers, and he couldn’t help but exclaim in surprise, “Mom! What’s wrong with you!”
Lou Jingmo coughed for a while longer before she could finally speak. “Maomao… I’m sorry…”
She had wanted to endure it. She had wanted not to fight back. She had even thought that it was just a body in a game, that whatever happened to it had nothing to do with her real self. But she couldn’t do it… She couldn’t hold on. The moment that man laid his filthy hands on her, all the emotions she’d only felt as a child flooded her heart in an instant. It was as if she was no longer the decisive and invincible Xiao Lou of the game, but just a teenage girl being threatened and molested by her stepfather. So disgusting… So scared… Who could save her… Mom… But there was no one to extend a hand to her, so she could only rely on herself.
Shen Maomao sat beside her, staring at the jarringly bright blood, and for a second, she thought it was all a dream.
Lou Jingmo coughed twice more and said weakly, “Maomao, you have to keep going. Neither of us can escape the game, but maybe you can… Also, I love you.”
She had said everything that needed to be said, so it seemed there was nothing left.
She reached out her other, unstained hand, wanting to stroke Shen Maomao’s face one last time. But Shen Maomao recoiled violently, as if she had seen a flood and fierce beast.26
Lou Jingmo froze, then gave a bitter smile. “I’m sorry… I’m sorry, Maomao.”
Shen Maomao refused to look at her again. She just lowered her head, muttering to herself, “You must be a fake. How could the real Lou-jie apologize so humbly? The real Lou-jie… how could she possibly die…”
Lou Jingmo only heard half of it before she couldn’t hear anything at all.
A powerful ringing filled her ears, and the colors of the world were stripped away from her vision, bit by bit.
So this was what it felt like to die.
She only felt her body growing lighter and lighter, like a rootless feather that would drift to the ends of the earth with the slightest breeze.
Then she lost all sensation and closed her eyes forever.
Shen Maomao slowly began to move.
She curled into a ball on the sofa, only her eyes visible, watching as Lou Jingmo’s body dissolved into a shower of fluorescent light and vanished before her. Disappearing along with her were the wedding photo on the wall, the notebook on the coffee table, the coat she had hung by the door, and the shoes she had taken off at the entrance.
In their place, twelve rectangular cards appeared on the sofa.
Puck said in amazement, “Huh? How did she disappear? Does my mom know magic?!”
He looked at the curled-up Shen Maomao and asked, “Daddy, what’s wrong? Why aren’t you talking? Where did Mommy go?”
Shen Maomao buried her head in her knees and said nothing.
Puck, finding himself ignored, went back to his villa to eat snacks.
Shen Maomao stayed like that, hugging herself, sitting from noon until night without changing her position.
When it was time for the magnificent lanterns to first rise,27 the apartment was still pitch black, without a single light on.
Puck’s eyes worked fine in the dark, so the concept of turning on a light didn’t occur to him. He just circled Shen Maomao curiously, wondering when she would finally move.
Before long, she suddenly uncurled her limbs and tried to walk toward the stairs, but her arms and legs, having been in the same position for so long, were filled with a pain like pins and needles, causing her to fall heavily to the floor.
Puck was startled and flew in front of her, asking weakly, “What’s wrong, Shen Maomao? Are you not feeling well?”
Shen Maomao managed a slight smile at him, but the curve of her eyes didn’t change at all. They were filled with confusion and helplessness. “No… cough, cough…”
Her voice was a little hoarse. She coughed once before she could speak the rest of the sentence smoothly. “I’m fine. Your mom had something to take care of. She might not be back for a while.”
Puck was still a bit confused, but looking at Shen Maomao’s state, he figured it was better not to ask too many questions.
Shen Maomao lay on the floor for a while to recover, then climbed the stairs with heavy steps.
She returned to their room, opened the closet, opened the bathroom door, but couldn’t find anything related to Lou Jingmo.
She went to the study, opened the photo album, turned on the computer, opened Baidu,28 and searched for “Shu Kuang”…
There was nothing.
No new book, no saved drafts,29 no wedding photos, no marriage certificate. Lou Jingmo was really gone.
Shen Maomao felt that she should be crying.
But she couldn’t cry at all, as if all her emotions had been stripped from her body along with Lou Jingmo’s departure.
Crying is for people who care about you to see. The person who cared for her was gone now. Who was she supposed to cry for?
She sat in the swivel chair Lou Jingmo always used, staring at the computer she used to write her books.
She remembered so many scenes—meeting Lou Jingmo, bickering with her, passing books with her, getting together with her, receiving their marriage certificate with her…
Then, frame by frame, these images shattered, turning into points of light just like Lou Jingmo had, and vanished before her eyes.
She knew she shouldn’t be so dejected. She should force herself to pull it together, to complete the mission Lou Jingmo couldn’t, to save the one she loved.
But she wanted to reminisce for just a little longer… to let herself sleep quietly in her embrace one more time, to lie there for just a little while longer, while Lou Jingmo’s warmth hadn’t completely faded.
The author has something to say:
Chapter 400, I just rolled the dice and decided to give 200 JJ coins30 to each of the first fifty commenters on this chapter! Don’t hit me! And don’t send any razor blades!31
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