STT – Chapter 58

You once loved me more than you imagined.

Sitting in the car that Xu Baihan had arranged for her, heading to Linzhou, Jiang Wang lowered her head and looked at the small box placed on her knees, her gaze heavy and her face cold and solemn. After a long time, she finally reached out to clasp the box and slowly opened it…

Inside the box was a neatly placed stack of letters. Jiang Wang reached out and gently lifted them, noticing that the paper of the envelopes, from bottom to top, went from old to new, obviously accumulated bit by bit over the years.

Jiang Wang slightly frowned, bit her lip, and pulled out a letter from the very bottom. Her index finger and thumb gently rubbed the envelope, hesitated for a moment, then opened the already hardened, creaking envelope and pulled out the letter inside.

The letter paper was actually folded into a delicate heart shape, and the paper was also a kind of fancy that Jiang Wang had never seen before, with a blue background, patterns, and borders. This was clearly worlds apart from the simple, ordinary return letters written on plain paper that Jiang Wang always received from Xu Baihan. Jiang Wang slightly narrowed her eyes, scanned over the words in the letter, and her brow knitted tighter and tighter…

This should be the reply letter Xu Baihan wrote to her after she sent the first letter to Xu Baihan.

In this letter, Xu Baihan’s words were enthusiastic and lively. She expressed both surprise and joy at Jiang Wang’s initiative to send her a letter and also shared her surprise and inexplicable affection for Jiang Wang’s initially cold demeanor. She chatted on, telling her many things about herself. Finally, she mentioned, with a hint of reluctance, that if Jiang Wang was free, she hoped to invite her to her home during the holidays. At the end of the letter, below the signature, there were cute little portraits of Jiang Wang and Xu Baihan drawn.

Jiang Wang tightly squeezed the thick three-page letter, feeling both happy and irritated, wanting to cry and laugh at the same time. She never knew that Xu Baihan was such an enthusiastic and talkative person, nor did she know that when Xu Baihan received her first letter, she was so joyful and delighted. She had always thought that Xu Baihan’s feelings towards her at that time were cold and indifferent, unwilling to respond.

It should be noted that the reply Xu Baihan actually delivered to Jiang Wang was only a thin piece of paper with three short lines: “Hello, Yun Bo, very happy to receive your letter.” Jiang Wang shook the envelope for a long time, thinking Xu Baihan might have forgotten to include a piece of letter paper. Such a cold reaction was obviously unexpected for Jiang Wang, leading her to hesitate for a long time before writing the second letter to Xu Baihan.

Jiang Wang indeed did not know that when Xu Baihan received her letter, she was overjoyed and couldn’t wait to write a reply. She spent the entire night, even skipping her homework, to seriously write a full three-page reply before going to sleep contentedly. But after waking up the next day, early in the morning, Xu Baihan sat on her bed pondering and worrying whether she had been too enthusiastic and might have scared Yun Bo. So she revised it, wanting to say a lot but not daring to say much, and in the end, only those simple three sentences remained. After sending it, Xu Baihan regretted it, especially during the long time without receiving Jiang Wang’s second letter, she spent almost every day in remorse. Just when Xu Baihan couldn’t resist writing to Jiang Wang again, Jiang Wang sent the second letter.

Jiang Wang pulled out a few more letters from below, opened them, and seriously read through them line by line, her nose unconsciously beginning to feel a bit sour…

After she and Xu Baihan began to have some ambiguity, she wrote letters to Xu Baihan, always starting with something like, “Baihan, I miss you,” yet Xu Baihan’s replies never responded to this. At that time, Xu Baihan’s replies were always indifferent, measured in their approach, with feelings that were introverted and restrained. Each letter was like a difficult reading comprehension exercise, causing Jiang Wang to ponder for a long time, thinking about what each sentence meant, considering whether any sentence had special meaning, carefully pondering and searching for Xu Baihan’s special feelings for her.

However, in these unsent letters, Xu Baihan’s language was so straightforward and easy to understand, and the emotions were so restrained yet not lacking in sweetness. Jiang Wang could see a passionate love at sixteen between Xu Baihan and herself, a sign of Xu Baihan’s enthusiastic love and attachment to her. And not, as she once feared, a one-sided pursuit and unrequited love.

Jiang Wang gradually leaned back powerlessly on the car seat, slowly closed the box, knitted her brows tightly, and closed her eyes filled with pain and confusion.

Xu Baihan, if you love me, then how should your rational clarity and restraint be explained? But if you do not love me, then where should your step-by-step indulgence and sinking be explained?

Xu Baihan, is it not true, that you once loved me more than you imagined?

But now, all of this, all the secrets and memories contained in this box, besides making oneself increasingly painful, what other meaning does it have?

Jiang Wang hugged the box tightly, seriously asking herself, “If there were an if, if you could do it all over again, Yun Bo, would you still choose to fall in love with Xu Baihan?”

Since Xu Baihan returned to Linzhou, Xu Baitao called her every day, chatting a few words with her. One reason was to distract Xu Baihan’s attention, and the other was to indirectly gauge Xu Baihan’s emotions.

But today, when he called Xu Baihan, her phone unexpectedly responded as turned off. Xu Baitao’s heart immediately skipped a beat, and he suddenly became inexplicably flustered.

He hurriedly called Mother Xu to inquire about Xu Baihan’s whereabouts. After clearly hearing Mother Xu say that Xu Baihan went to a resort to relax, Xu Baitao’s hand holding the phone shook so much that he almost couldn’t hold the phone.

Mother Xu sensed that something seemed off with Xu Baitao and somewhat strangely inquired, “What’s wrong?” But she only heard Xu Baitao uncontrollably roar at her: “How can you let her go alone!” After that, there was only a busy signal.

Xu Baitao hung up the phone, grabbed the car keys, and ran to the parking lot. His heart was beating so fast it was outrageous, and as he ran, he continuously prayed in his heart: “Sister, I beg you, I beg you, don’t scare me…”

The drive from Linzhou to the resort, usually more than three hours, was forcibly compressed by Xu Baitao into a little more than two hours. But no matter how anxious, unwilling, or afraid he was, what he feared ultimately became a reality.

The door of the villa at the resort was tightly closed. He tremblingly inserted the key, turned it, pushed the door open, and entered, anxiously calling Xu Baihan again and again: “Sister, sister, are you there…” The only response was the heart-wrenching dead silence…

He swiftly ran to Xu Baihan’s bedroom—no one there—then opened the bathroom, still no one. He ran out of the room, searching room by room on the second and third floors; the whole place was empty, without a trace of Xu Baihan… He immediately turned around and ran downstairs. Just as he was about to rush out the door, he caught sight of a piece of snow-white paper quietly pressed on the glass table in the living room. For a moment, his steps faltered, somewhat afraid to approach…

He finally picked up the piece of paper, his eyes wide open, painfully sobbing…

It was Xu Baihan’s suicide note.

She said: “Dad, Mom, I’m sorry, I was willful, and what I owe you, I cannot repay, only in the next life. Baitao, take good care of Dad and Mom.

Baitao, if you want me to leave peacefully, do not disturb Jiang Wang, never tell her. I beg you. I owe her too much, let me finally give her a peaceful second half of her life.

These years, I’ve been enduring very wearily, but she still cannot come back, and we all cannot go back. Forgive me for not having the courage to continue alone. Let everything end where it started; I am going to find Yun Bo. I am gone, I leave very peacefully, very satisfied, so do not worry or be sad for me. I’m sorry, thank you.

Xu Baihan’s final words”

The car had already been traveling for more than an hour, and halfway through, Jiang Wang suddenly discovered that in her haste, she had left her wallet in Xu Baihan’s villa, with her ID card inside.

Despite being extremely annoyed and unwilling, Jiang Wang had to take her mobile phone and dial Xu Baihan’s number to ask her to have someone send it.

However, Xu Baihan’s phone was turned off.

Jiang Wang was slightly startled and inexplicably felt somewhat uneasy.

She comforted herself, thinking maybe the battery was dead, and decided to wait until she returned to Linzhou to contact her.

Leaning on the car seat with her eyes closed, the image of Xu Baihan’s radiant smile and the word “goodbye” surfaced in her mind. At that moment, there seemed to be something in Xu Baihan’s eyes…

Her heart suddenly felt like it was being tugged by something, and Jiang Wang instantly opened her eyes.

Still not at ease, she instructed the driver: “Could you please turn around and go back? I left something behind.”

On the way back, Jiang Wang became more and more uneasy, tightly clenching her fists, and finally couldn’t help but plead with the driver: “Could you please drive a bit faster?”

One hour later, she returned to that familiar place. From afar, she saw the villa’s gate wide open, and inside, it was empty. Looking further in, there was a dark gloom, and an ominous uneasy premonition grew stronger and stronger.

For a moment, Jiang Wang’s body went somewhat weak…

She almost sprinted like a hundred-meter dash, pulling open the car door and rushing into the villa, no longer caring about anything else, and loudly called out for Xu Baihan: “Xu Baihan, Xu Baihan…”

But Xu Baihan no longer gently responded to her: “Yun Bo, I’m here, what’s wrong…”

She stood at the entrance, looked around, trying to find traces of Xu Baihan’s presence, and at a glance, she saw a white paper lying on the ground not far away, vaguely able to see the characters “Xu Baihan’s final words”…

Jiang Wang’s breath caught, her legs trembling, as she moved bit by bit to the paper, slowly bent down, picked up the paper, and quickly scanned it…

In the next moment, Jiang Wang went crazy, crying and screaming “Ah…” as she threw the paper away, rushing into Xu Baihan’s bedroom, into Xu Baihan’s bathroom, up to the second floor and third floor, searching room by room: “Baihan, Xu Baihan, come out, come out for me…”

But the only response was the echo of her own hoarse and ugly cries…

Jiang Wang turned back, rushed downstairs again, taking three steps at a time, and when there were ten steps left to the first floor, due to the hurried steps, she stumbled, tumbling headfirst down…

When she landed, Jiang Wang lay face down on the ground, motionless, but after just three seconds, she propped herself up and got up.

As she got up, blood seeped from her hair, sliding bit by bit down her cheek… However, Jiang Wang seemed to feel nothing, quickly standing up, striding in large steps towards the door and running out. She pulled open the parked car door, and with a voice choked with sobs, loudly instructed the driver: “Go to the beach on Huaihai Road!”

The driver turned his head, shocked and frozen by the sight of blood still falling beside Jiang Wang’s cheek.

Jiang Wang, lacking the patience for his startled delay, was extremely annoyed and, regardless of anything, loudly scolded him: “I said go to the beach on Huaihai Road, can’t you hear? Hurry up!”

Startled by her shouting, the driver hurriedly turned back, started the car, and repeatedly responded to her: “Yes, yes, yes, I’m driving now…”

The distance to Huaihai Road wasn’t far, and the driver, in his fright, drove the car very fast. In just five minutes, Jiang Wang felt as if fifty long years had passed. Long enough for her to recall everything from her acquaintance with Xu Baihan to the present, long enough to repeatedly depict in her mind Xu Baihan’s every frown and smile, until her eyes reddened and tears continuously flowed down…

Upon arriving at the beach on Huaihai Road, as soon as the driver braked, without waiting for the car to come to a steady stop, Jiang Wang impatiently opened the car door and ran towards the beach below.

She saw, not far from the shore, the waves were repeatedly washing over a silver-white wheelchair, gradually dragging it bit by bit towards the center of the sea, and the wheelchair was empty…

In an instant, Jiang Wang’s running legs went weak, and she kneeled down…

As she tried to get up, Jiang Wang discovered that her right leg was in piercing pain. She gritted her teeth, forced herself to stand up, and continued running towards the sea…

But suddenly, from nowhere, a figure appeared, rushing over quickly, and punched Jiang Wang directly in the face, causing her to lose her balance and fall backward.

Blood instantly gushed from Jiang Wang’s nose, her head buzzing. She vaguely seemed to hear Xu Baitao’s voice filled with crying rage: “Does driving her to death make you happy? Are you happy, you bastard…”

Her collar was tightly grabbed, and she was lifted up, her eyes hazy as she saw Xu Baitao’s bloodshot eyes viciously staring at her. In the next moment, he raised his hand and punched her in the stomach, causing Jiang Wang to painfully kneel to the ground.

Jiang Wang pressed her hand into the sand, supporting herself to keep from falling. Her face was covered in blood and sweat as she looked up at Xu Baitao, suddenly laughing out loud, low and foolishly, her laughter hideous…

She wobbled to her feet, and in Xu Baitao’s stunned state, rushed forward and punched him in the face, catching him off guard, causing him to tilt his body.

Jiang Wang turned around, step by step, staggered and stumbled towards the sea, her voice hoarse and barely audible: “Go away… Xu Baitao, don’t interfere in Baihan and my world anymore!”

Xu Baitao seemed to be provoked, snapping out of it, rushed forward to seize Jiang Wang’s thin body, his eyes red and crazed, grabbing her to drag into the sea, shouting: “Let’s die together, death will set us free, all three of us die, you’ll be happy, right? This is the result you want, right? The whole world can only look at you, my sister can only love you, right!”

Jiang Wang, however, used all her strength to struggle, fiercely jabbing Xu Baitao’s stomach and chest with her elbow. Finally, she struggled to turn around and delivered a kick to Xu Baitao’s groin, causing him to instantly let go and squat down in pain.

“Baihan definitely hopes you live well; in this lifetime, she owes me one person, and that’s enough.”

Jiang Wang foolishly looked at the floating and sinking wheelchair, her body trembling, yet her footsteps remained firm and resolute. On her face, amidst the red bloodstains, appeared a charming and gentle smile.

“Baihan, don’t be afraid, I’m coming to accompany you. Be good, wait for me…”

LP: Re-translated on September 22, 2024