STT – Chapter 55

This time, allow me to abandon you first.

“Xu Baihan, please don’t attempt to bind me with your legs and guilt, and don’t let your family look at me as if I am a sinner! I don’t love you anymore, I want to start a new life, I beg you to let me go!” After these words were spoken, Jiang Wang clearly saw Xu Baihan’s body tremble fiercely, her hands covering her ears, gradually and powerlessly collapsing.

Xu Baihan, who had stood so firmly and straight at the hospital entrance while waiting, finally, at this moment, slowly bent down, little by little, hunching over. Jiang Wang could only see Xu Baihan’s back trembling gently with silent sobs.

Jiang Wang hardened her heart, turned her face away, unable to bear seeing Xu Baihan’s wronged and sad appearance, and clenched her fists to keep her voice calm as usual: “Let’s go, I’ll take you back.”

However, Xu Baihan, with an unusually low and hoarse voice due to sobbing, tried hard to steady her trembling and refused: “No need, let me go alone, let me be alone, in peace…” After speaking, she gradually straightened her back, extended her hand, and slowly turned the wheelchair, opening Jiang Wang’s front door with difficulty, and without looking back, she slowly disappeared from Jiang Wang’s sight, leaving Jiang Wang with a thin, stubborn back, and a room full of loneliness and desolation…

Standing in place, far away, Jiang Wang heard the elevator ring with a ding. She knew that Xu Baihan, with that elevator, left, second by second, moving farther and farther away from her. From now on, she probably really won’t look back again.

She finally lifted her foot, walking heavily towards the door. She stared blankly at the empty corridor for a long time before powerlessly raising her hand and slowly closing the door. Afterwards, she leaned against the door, no longer having the strength to support herself, and slowly slid down to sit on the icy floor.

She curled up her legs, wrapped her arms around her knees, and buried her face on them, trying to grasp something to make herself feel less empty, less uncomfortable.

Xu Baihan left, really, would never return again. Isn’t this exactly what she wanted?

But why, when she should clearly feel liberated, does she now feel more pain, more oppression, to the point that it feels so uncomfortable, as if it’s hard to breathe?

Jiang Wang hugged herself tighter and tighter, and finally, unable to restrain herself, opened her mouth and fiercely bit her own knees.

She did not have a loving mother she could rely on, so in times of loneliness and helplessness, she didn’t even have the right to cry out “mother” to relieve her fear and pain. Thus, from childhood to adulthood, when her heart hurt unbearably, she would fiercely bite herself, as if a little physical pain could lessen the pain in her heart.

But this time, even this method seemed not to work. She still couldn’t restrain herself, and tears fell down. From silently enduring sobs to finally crying aloud.

Baihan, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, for making you so sad…

When she was still young, she didn’t know her own background. She only felt that her parents didn’t treat her as well as they did her brother and sister, not as closely, and sometimes even looked at her with strange expressions. At that time, she thought it was because she wasn’t obedient enough, not good enough, so her parents were biased. Thus, she became more sensible, hoping to win her parents’ favor. She never fought with her sister for toys, never asked her parents for things, and from the age of six, she started learning to wash clothes and dishes herself, more capable and obedient than her brother and sister.

She always thought that as long as she was well-behaved and sensible enough, her father and mother could treat her like they did her brother and sister, occasionally hugging her, kissing her, and affectionately holding her to sleep together…

Until one day, she was playing upstairs with her sister, competing to see whose spinning top could spin the longest, and the Barbie doll would belong to whoever won for a day. Her sister lost but cheated, grabbing the doll and running away. She was momentarily surprised, seeing her sister run fast, worried she might fall, so she chased after her. Who knew, as she went out, she saw her sister running on the stairs leading to the first floor, her little legs struggling with each step, and hurriedly, nervously warned, “Yun’er, don’t run…” The next moment, she saw her sister lose her balance and tumble down the stairs, crying loudly…

Fortunately, the stairs were not high, only three steps remained, and her sister only got a big bump on her forehead with a few scratches. She was both distressed and afraid, worried that her mother would blame her for not taking good care of her sister, and she was prepared to be scolded.

But, who knew, when her sister cried and accused her to their mother, saying she fell because Jiang Wang was fighting over the toy with her, their mother, without saying a word, slapped her. The slap left Jiang Wang’s body frozen, her ears buzzing, staring with wide eyes, incredulously looking at her mother, feeling wronged and unable to move.

That day, her face burned with pain, and after her mother gently coaxed her sister away, she hid in the bathroom, spitting out the blood from her mouth caused by the slap, sitting on the floor and crying for a long, long time.

In the evening, she didn’t go downstairs to eat, her heart longing for her mother to turn back and coax her, to comfort her. But except for her brother coming up once to call her, no one paid her any attention.

It was late at night, yet Jiang Wang could not sleep. She wondered if her mother was just too angry and that’s why she was so fierce with her. Should she properly explain to her mother, tell her that it was really not intentional? Would her mother feel heartache and hug her if she knew she misunderstood and that her teeth were bleeding and in pain?

Thinking of this possibility, she quickly turned over and got out of bed without even putting on her shoes and ran out.

However, when she stood outside her parents’ bedroom full of expectation, she only heard her mother’s slightly disdainful voice angrily saying, “Usually she appears so gentle and harmless, but she just threw Yun’er down the stairs with one hard push. If it weren’t for her father giving a lot of money, I wouldn’t want her to stay even a moment longer! Her mother is such a fox spirit, what good could she produce, all are just pretending cheap people!”

In that moment, Jiang Wang’s hand, ready to knock on the door, froze. Ever sensitive and perceptive from a young age, she instantly understood all the meanings in that sentence.

She put down her hand and turned back to her room expressionlessly.

That night, she suddenly understood what the strange expressions she had once seen in her so-called parents’ eyes meant. It was disdain, it was rejection, and occasionally, perhaps, a bit of pity. But, there was just no love she wanted.

Since then, she never again argued or fought with neighbors who laughed at her for being an unwanted child. She never tried to win her parents’ love again, and she never spoke another word to her sister.

Some love is bestowed by heaven, like parental love, and if one can have it, it’s good fortune. And she accepted her fate. Perhaps she was just born with this unfortunate fate, without a connection to her parents, unable to be as lucky as others to receive the unique love and care from birth.

Kinship is destined by birth, but can love be earned through effort?

Jiang Wang vowed in her heart that one day, when she loves someone, she will love her very much, let the other person feel her love, melt the other person’s heart, and treat her as the most important person.

Xu Baihan did not know that, actually, from the first glance Jiang Wang saw her, she was captivated by her.

At that time, Jiang Wang looked at Xu Baihan’s big, smiling eyes, the gentle smile hanging on her lips, and her kind demeanor while caring for her brother, and felt that she was as warm as the sun.

As they had more and more interactions, Jiang Wang became more infatuated with Xu Baihan. She thought that being loved by someone as gentle as Xu Baihan would definitely be very happy, right?

Thus, after countless sleepless nights, she resolved to fight for herself once.

She knew that some things she wasn’t so fortunate in and could only rely on her own efforts.

She was full of expectation and enthusiasm, not afraid of Xu Baihan’s coldness, enduring Xu Baihan’s hesitation and indecision, using her truest heart, giving everything, to love Xu Baihan, to win Xu Baihan’s love.

Xu Baihan stood her up countless times because of her parents, because of her brother, and even because of classmates. She waited until her ice cream melted, the fireworks ended, and the cake expired. As long as Xu Baihan said, “Sorry, I didn’t mean it,” she would smile and accept it all.

She told herself it was okay, that there were many people more important than her now, only because Xu Baihan did not yet love her the most or see her as the most important.

But when that year, on her birthday, Xu Baihan lied to her parents and traveled from afar to see her, she really thought she had won the person she loved, and finally, that person loved her most. She could also be the most important and loved person in someone’s heart.

However, the back that Xu Baihan left her at the seaside, when telling her to give up, made her despairingly realize that she was still just someone who could be abandoned or forsaken in others’ lives. In this world, no one truly needed her above all else.

For many years after being rescued, Jiang Wang could not forgive Xu Baihan, feeling that Xu Baihan had let down her wholehearted and sincere devotion. She could overturn the whole world for Xu Baihan, just to correct Xu Baihan’s reflection. But what was Xu Baihan’s response to her? She could give up everything for Xu Baihan, including her own life, but she should not have been abandoned like this. Xu Baihan made her feel that everything was just her being self-absorbed, and made her feel that her love was betrayed.

But many years later, after more than a decade of time and experience, she finally understood that it was probably because she had never received love, being this world’s orphan, and she loved only Xu Baihan.

And Xu Baihan, she received so much love, what Jiang Wang gave was just one part, destined for what she could receive to be just one part as well, and the place she held in her heart could only be a small space.

Xu Baihan’s kindness, she knows better than anyone.

Therefore, she could never occupy the most important place in Xu Baihan’s heart, nor could she make Xu Baihan disregard everything for her. If there is a next time, if there is such a confrontation or conflict, she would still be the one who is abandoned.

But, Xu Baihan, I am a paranoid madman. I understand you, I forgive you, and I still love you, but I am not willing to be with you anymore.

I am not willing to wait in trepidation for the next time I am abandoned. Just let me maintain the current situation, without further expectations and without further harm.

So, this time, give the choice to me, let me be the one to first abandon you.

LP: Re-translated on September 20, 2024