Why didn’t you dare tell me, I at least still have you.
Jiang Wang’s hand holding the phone hung limply by her side, her whole person leaning against the closed door of the hospital office, her head tilted back, her brow furrowed tightly, her expression somewhat pained.
Why, after so many years, upon hearing her voice again, did she still feel that way – so familiar, so attached…
Wasn’t she supposed to have already wanted to forget?
Wasn’t she supposed to have already forgotten?
Wasn’t she supposed to have already hated more than loved?
Jiang Wang realized for the first time that she was not as self-aware as she had imagined…
The nurse passing by the ward saw Jiang Wang’s unusual pained expression, stopped in her tracks, and asked her with some curious concern, “Dr. Jiang, what’s wrong? Are you not feeling well?”
Jiang Wang opened her eyes, her gaze momentarily confused, but then her usual composure returned, and she shook her head lightly, saying, “Nothing.”
It was then that she finally remembered that the last thing she had heard Xu Baihan say was “Huaixi had an incident in Juzhou.” Her heart tightened, and she picked up her phone again, hesitating for a moment before dialing Jiang Huaixi’s number once more. This time, the call was quickly answered, and the familiar, warm voice on the other end said, “Hello, this is Xu Baihan…”
Jiang Wang bit her lip, took a deep breath, and then with difficulty asked, “Hello, this is Jiang Huaixi’s personal doctor, Jiang Wang. What happened to Huaixi in Juzhou?”
Xu Baihan sat alone in a wheelchair in the corridor outside the emergency room, the hand holding the phone trembling slightly, her heartbeat skipping a beat, momentarily disoriented. This voice… so familiar. Yun Bo had always had a slight nasal congestion, and when she spoke, she would unconsciously have a nasal quality to her voice. Over the years, Xu Baihan had often heard this voice in her midnight dreams, calling out “I love you, I hate you,” and then waking up with tear-soaked pillows. The doctor’s voice, like Jiang Wang’s, had the same distinctive nasal quality that she was extremely familiar with. But then, she couldn’t help but bitterly smile. Like Yun Bo, but ultimately, not Yun Bo. Yun Bo’s voice was pure and clear, while this voice was like a cello, soothing yet deep. She steadied her nerves and calmly replied, “Jiang Huaixi slit her wrists to save Zizheng, and is now in critical condition at Bai Kang Hospital…”
When Lu Zizheng woke up in the ward, she stared at the glaring white ceiling, smelling the pungent disinfectant, momentarily dazed. But the next instant, it was as if a button had been pressed, and she suddenly sprang up from the bed, swinging her legs down to the floor and rushing out, only to be yanked back by the IV tube in her hand. The IV fluid hanging on the bed was almost pulled out by her sudden movement.
Lu Zizheng frowned, turned back, and without hesitation, yanked out the troublesome needle, causing drops of blood to immediately well up and drip onto the floor…
Jiang Huaixi had been rescued and was now in the intensive care unit. Mother Jiang and Jiang Huaichuan had also rushed over from Linzhou. After Xu Baihan and Mother Jiang explained what they knew about how Jiang Huaixi ended up in the hospital, worried about Lu Zizheng, they hurried to Lu Zizheng’s ward. As soon as they entered, they saw Lu Zizheng barefoot, hair disheveled, having just pulled out her IV.
Xu Baihan was startled and cried out, “Zizheng, what are you doing?”
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When Lu Zizheng saw Xu Baihan, she rushed up to her, her hands gripping tightly onto Xu Baihan’s shoulders, her eyes bloodshot, her voice hoarse and barely audible, yet she strained to make it louder as she asked urgently, “Where’s Huaixi? Where is Huaixi? How is she?” Her hands clung to Xu Baihan’s shoulders with such force that it caused Xu Baihan some pain.
Xu Baihan looked at her bloodshot eyes and cracked, pale lips, and felt a pang of sympathy. She raised her hand and gently patted the hands that were gripping her shoulders, speaking in a soothing tone, “Zizheng, don’t be afraid, don’t worry, Huaixi has been rescued, she’s fine, she’ll recover in a few days. The floor is cold, why don’t you put your shoes on first?”
Upon hearing this, Lu Zizheng instantly released the pressure on Xu Baihan’s shoulders, only to curve her lips into a wistful smile, the movement causing the cracked lips to bleed slightly. But in the blink of an eye, Xu Baihan saw large tears streaming down her face… “Huaixi is fine, she’s fine, that’s so good, so good…”
Just as Xu Baihan was about to urge her to rest in bed, Lu Zizheng lowered her head and looked at her with her reddened eyes, asking intently, “Where is Huaixi now?”
Xu Baihan knew she couldn’t dissuade her, so she bent down to help Lu Zizheng pick up her shoes, saying, “Huaixi just came out of the emergency room, and is now in the intensive care unit upstairs, in the room at the very end of the corridor.”
The words had barely left her mouth when Lu Zizheng, without even a word of thanks, ran out of the ward barefoot. Xu Baihan stared blankly at the shoes in her hand, unable to help but bitterly smile.
Lu Zizheng couldn’t even wait for the elevator, and instead ran up the stairs in three steps at a time, her quick, light footsteps echoing through the quiet hospital, the reverberations sounding especially clear.
Sitting in the corridor outside the intensive care unit, Mother Jiang and Jiang Huaichuan heard the distant, urgent and unusual sound of hurried footsteps. They looked in the direction of the sound and saw a woman with disheveled long hair, pale face, and disheveled clothing, running towards them barefoot.
Jiang Huaichuan’s eyes widened, and as he gradually recognized the face of the approaching person, he suddenly stood up, stepping into the middle of the corridor, and unhesitatingly raised a hand to block Lu Zizheng.
Lu Zizheng couldn’t stop her momentum and collided forcefully with Jiang Huaichuan. Her urgent desire to see Jiang Huaixi made her feel exceptionally angry that someone was blocking her path. She angrily looked up, ready to lash out, but the moment she saw Jiang Huaichuan’s face, all her anger dissipated, her bravado deflating, and she lowered her head dejectedly, calling out in a hoarse voice, “Huaichuan…”
Jiang Huaichuan looked at the haggard woman in front of him, his anger already dissipating. He had pleaded with her before, even if she didn’t like his sister, not to hurt her. But what had she done other than hurt his sister time and time again? Over the years, what his sister had done for her, was that not enough? Did it really require sacrificing a life to be considered true love? Jiang Huaichuan felt that no, he could not let Lu Zizheng approach Jiang Huaixi again.
His eyes were filled with hostility, and he was about to reprimand Lu Zizheng. But Mother Jiang also stood up, quickly walking behind Jiang Huaichuan, tugging at his sleeve, and instructing, “Huaichuan, go outside the hospital and buy some food.” Saying this, she looked down at Lu Zizheng’s bare feet and added, “And get her a pair of cotton slippers while you’re at it.”
Jiang Huaichuan turned his head and grumbled unhappily at Mother Jiang, “Mother, why are you still taking care of her…”
But Mother Jiang glared at Jiang Huaichuan with a piercing gaze, her usual gentle manner replaced by rare sternness, “I told you to go, so go!”
Jiang Huaichuan could only glare resentfully at Lu Zizheng one more time before reluctantly leaving.
With the obstruction in front of her removed, Lu Zizheng rushed to the entrance of the intensive care unit. Through the glass window, she gazed longingly at Jiang Huaixi’s pale yet serene sleeping face on the hospital bed, involuntarily reaching out to lightly claw at the glass, murmuring, “Huaixi, Huaixi, you fool, you big fool…” Tears streamed down her cheeks.
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Mother Jiang stood behind her, her voice tinged with undisguised fatigue: “The doctor said Huaixi is not in serious condition, she just lost a lot of blood and is a bit weak, you don’t need to worry too much.”
Lu Zizheng turned around and looked at the weary-faced Mother Jiang, no longer bearing the usual liveliness, and was overwhelmed with a sense of shame. She raised her hand and slapped herself hard, bowing her head and apologizing in a hoarse voice, “Auntie, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, it’s all my fault.”
After saying this, Lu Zizheng raised her hand, ready to slap herself again.
But Mother Jiang was quicker, grabbing Lu Zizheng’s hand before it could fall, and letting out a deep sigh, she said, “You’re not at fault, Auntie doesn’t blame you.”
Lu Zizheng looked at Mother Jiang with anxious uncertainty, momentarily at a loss for a response. She had expected that Mother Jiang, like Huaichuan, would harbor a deep hatred for her, wishing for her to disappear from their sight.
However, Mother Jiang explained calmly, “I know that everything Huaixi has done for you, she did so willingly. I cannot blame you, because Huaixi would be unhappy about it. Zizheng, you cannot be wronged in our family, because Huaixi would be heartbroken. She is loving you with her life, and how could I then hurt her?”
The raised hand of Lu Zizheng fell powerlessly, and in the end, she weakened and knelt down in front of Mother Jiang, repeatedly apologizing, “Auntie, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry…”
Mother Jiang crouched down, pulled up Lu Zizheng, and guided her to sit on a nearby chair, sighing, “Zizheng, you must not know how much Huaixi likes you.”
“The year Huaixi turned 20, her father’s good friend’s son happened to return from England, so our two families gathered for a meal. That boy had liked Huaixi since they were young, waiting for her for many years. When he was in college, his parents urged him to go abroad, and as soon as he obtained his doctorate, he eagerly returned to find Huaixi. My husband and I both liked that boy, so we subtly teased them at the dinner table, intending to play matchmaker. The atmosphere at the dinner table was joyful, but Huaixi suddenly erupted when we made another joke, standing up abruptly and announcing that she had someone she liked, and that person was the only one for her in this lifetime. The atmosphere at the table became tense, and his father’s friend tried to smooth things over, asking which lucky young man was the one. But Huaixi said something shocking – ‘It’s not a young man, the person I like is a girl,’ leaving everyone speechless. Needless to say, that dinner ended on a sour note. Huaixi’s grandmother even had a high blood pressure episode because of it, and Huaixi’s father couldn’t help but slap her. We had never dared to hit or scold her since she was little, but this was the first time her father had struck her. He regretted it immediately, his eyes reddening, but Huaixi looked at her father calmly, neither sad nor happy, and solemnly said, ‘Father, in this lifetime, I only want her, and this resolve will never change.’ Her father became furious, yelling at her to get out of the house and not disgrace the Jiang family name. That night, she really left home without taking anything. The next day, she returned all her belongings – car keys, house keys, completely severing ties. She argued fiercely with her father, angering him so much that he couldn’t sleep for days. Huaichuan was worried about her, afraid she would suffer outside, and gave her his own money, but she returned it untouched. She never went back home, never asked her family for a single cent, working odd jobs every day to sustain herself, often skipping meals. In the end, it was only when the school counselor called her father to say she had missed classes for several days that he became worried and sent Huaichuan to find her, only to discover her collapsed in the dormitory, burning with fever. The doctor said if she had been brought in any later, it could have been life-threatening. Her father, seeing her lying there, skin and bones, couldn’t help but shed tears. But when she woke up in the hospital and saw her father, without a word, she pulled out the IV and tried to get out of bed. Her father was both angry and heartbroken. In his entire life, he had never yielded to anyone, but he was defeated by his beloved daughter. He roared at her to go back, saying he no longer cared who she liked. After that, our whole family eventually accepted her extraordinary feelings for you.”
Lu Zizheng listened with wide eyes, finding it hard to believe…
Mother Jiang paused for a moment, then continued, “We had thought you and Huaixi were already together, which was why she was so devoted. But later, we realized she had never actually been with you. Huaichuan felt sorry for her, scolding her as a fool, risking everything for a love that might never even begin. Do you know what she said?”
Mother Jiang let out a bitter smile as she continued, “Huaixi said that whether she could be with you or not was the result of her love for you, but whether or not to tell everyone was her attitude towards that love. She couldn’t let her love hide in the shadows; she wanted to give you a love that was open and unashamed, without any need for concealment.”
Mother Jiang said, “Zizheng, Huaixi may not have been a gentle person, but she did the most gentle things for you.”
At the stairwell entrance downstairs, Jiang Wang paused, her gaze fixed on the frail figure of the woman sitting in a wheelchair at the window at the end of the hallway, her mind completely distracted.
Wasn’t she the one who had dreamed of becoming a ballet dancer since she was young? Didn’t she say she wanted to tour the world? Shouldn’t she now be on stage, gracefully dancing, radiant and glamorous?
Jiang Wang’s fists unconsciously clenched the edge of her clothes.
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How could this be? How could she have become like this? Curled up so dejectedly in a wheelchair, trapped in this tiny world.
How could Xu Baihan be so miserable, so miserable that it softened Jiang Wang’s heart to the point of almost hating her. No, in Jiang Wang’s imagination, the Xu Baihan who had abandoned herself should not be like this!
Jiang Huaichuan returned from outside the hospital, passing by the lost-in-thought Jiang Wang, and couldn’t help but call out in confusion, “Jiang Wang, what are you doing here? Have the procedures been taken care of?”
“Mm, it’s fine, they’re done. I was just about to go up with you.” With that, she turned and left.
Xu Baihan heard the name “Jiang Wang” and her heart skipped a beat. She immediately turned around, wanting to catch a glimpse of the owner of the voice that sounded so similar to Yun Bo’s. But the wheelchair was cumbersome, and by the time she had turned around, she only saw the tall, slender back of a woman walking away.
She couldn’t help but feel a bit disappointed, yet also a bit amused, self-mocking in her heart, “What are you still hoping for?”
LP: Re-translated on August 27, 2024