STT – Chapter 31

Do you still believe in love?

Lu Zizheng, upon hearing Xu Baihan’s words, was so shocked that she abruptly stood up, taking a step forward to Xu Baihan’s side, reaching out to grasp Xu Baihan’s frail shoulder as if she were afraid that in the next moment, she would no longer be able to touch Xu Baihan.

Xu Baihan lifted her eyes and gave Lu Zizheng a faint smile, gently placing her hand over Lu Zizheng’s: “Zizheng, don’t try to persuade me. I have already deceived myself for too long. I miss her so much, I gave myself a final deadline, until this August, the day she left.”

Lu Zizheng’s lips trembled, her voice quivering as she tried to persuade: “Sister, don’t do this. Yun Bo would definitely not want you to be like this. Let’s wait a little longer, can we wait a bit more?”

Xu Baihan shook her head, her tone gloomy: “Zizheng, I can’t wait any longer. I thought I would forever remember Yun Bo’s appearance, remember every curve of her smile to me. But in these past years, I increasingly cannot recall Yun Bo’s appearance. Her every frown and smile has become more and more blurred in my heart. I am so afraid that I will eventually forget what she looks like and not be able to find her. I am even more afraid that after too long, she will also forget me and no longer recognize me…”

Lu Zizheng’s tears finally could not be held back, falling from the corners of her eyes, choking as she said: “Sister, you can’t do this. This is too cruel for me. I know everything now, how can I do nothing and just watch you leave? Sister, please, don’t do this, okay? Give yourself and Yun Bo a little more time. Yun Bo will come back…”

Xu Baihan lifted her hand, laboriously yet tenderly wiping away Lu Zizheng’s tears: “Zizheng, don’t cry. It is I who am sorry to you, I have been selfish.” She turned her wheelchair to a small cabinet in the corner of the wall, opened it, took out a book with a dark-colored cover, and returned to Lu Zizheng, handing the book to her.

Lu Zizheng extended her hands to receive it, looking at Xu Baihan with confusion.

Xu Baihan’s smile was sorrowful: “Zizheng, I’m sorry, my time is running out. But I am afraid that after I leave, no one will remember that Yun Bo once existed so vividly, and no one will know that I and she once loved each other so passionately with our lives.” Her gaze moved to the book held by Lu Zizheng: “This is the only proof I can leave behind, the only proof of our past love. Zizheng, after I leave, help me publish it under my name. I can’t bear to think that after I am gone, no one will remember Yun Bo, no one will know her grievances, no one will know that she once loved me with her life, and hated me.”

Xu Baihan had been writing and submitting works since college, and Lu Zizheng was always her first reader. But she never thought that the last story Xu Baihan gave her to read would be such one written with her life and tears. Lu Zizheng held the book in her hands, feeling as if it weighed ten thousand pounds, so heavy that she could barely hold it, unable to stand.

Lu Zizheng had also experienced such moments. She knew how important faith was to a person. No amount of comforting words could likely shake someone who was resolute in seeking death. The grief in her heart was nearly drowning all her thoughts, and tears fell down in large drops.

Lu Zizheng, with tears in her eyes, scanned the portraits around her. The girl in the pictures had a cold expression, but her brows and eyes held a hint of tenderness. She stared at them for a long time, feeling that the face seemed vaguely familiar, and her heart stirred. Perhaps…

She turned around and blurted out: “Sister, I feel like I’ve seen her somewhere before!”

Xu Baihan was startled by Lu Zizheng’s sudden exclamation, frowning slightly as she asked: “What?”

Lu Zizheng, as if finding a breakthrough to persuade Xu Baihan, explained anxiously and in a flurry: “Sister, I feel like I’ve seen someone who looks just like her before. I can’t remember when or where, but I really, really have seen her. Sister, believe me, if you wait a bit longer, I’m sure I can remember!”

Xu Baihan seemed to understand and smiled gently, shaking her head: “Zizheng, don’t try to deceive me.”

Lu Zizheng took a deep breath, trying to calm her agitation, and seriously explained again: “Sister, believe me, it’s true. Yun Bo must still be alive. I must have seen her at some time.”

Xu Baihan’s smile was sorrowful: “Zizheng, you don’t know how many people who resembled Yun Bo I’ve seen over the years, but none of them were her. I have believed many times, but…” She didn’t finish her sentence, suddenly turning her wheelchair out of the inner room and changing the topic: “Zizheng, let’s not talk about me. How are you and Huaixi doing?”

Lu Zizheng wanted to continue persuading, calling out to her: “Sister… really, listen to me…”

Before she could finish, Xu Baihan turned back with a sorrowful smile, pleading: “Zizheng, it’s rare for us to meet. Let’s skip this topic, okay?”

“Sister!”

Xu Baihan placed her index finger on her lips, blinked, and resolutely decided not to discuss the matter any further.

Lu Zizheng bit her lip and looked at her, her thoughts in disarray, her head feeling heavy and muddled. Later, she couldn’t remember a single thing Xu Baihan said to her, and by the end, she didn’t even know how she left the Xu family’s home.

She declined the Xu family driver’s offer to see her off and walked back along the road in a daze, trying to sort out her confused thoughts, but it seemed that the more she tried, the more tangled they became. The surrounding noise seemed to have nothing to do with her, and her mind was occupied only with the last page of the book Xu Baihan had given her, which read: “In the silence of extinction, may love endure forever, unchanged and undying; with this text, I prove that we once loved each other, from now on, undiminished. Yun Bo, I love you.”

Xu Baihan had said: “Actually, losing isn’t terrifying. What’s terrifying is that you never had it. Until everything vanishes, you have no evidence that you once loved, that you once had.”

And what should she use to prove her love?

Lu Zizheng was lost in thought, not paying attention to the traffic lights, and continued walking forward. Suddenly, her phone in her bag rang, startling her. She hastily rummaged through her bag and saw that the call was from Jiang Huaixi. For a moment, she was a bit dazed. Suddenly, a motorcycle whizzed past her, the horn and the driver’s curses blaring, startling Lu Zizheng and causing her to lose her grip on the phone, which flew out of her hand and fell to the ground, silent…

Lu Zizheng bent down to pick up her phone with a shattered screen, and suddenly felt a wave of sadness…

What should she leave behind to prove, after Jiang Huaixi leaves, that she once existed in her life, so tenderly, so profoundly…

An unanswered call? An unread text message? Or those countless call records?

But what if, one day, the phone is lost, and the number is no longer in use?

What can prove that the tenderness Jiang Huaixi once gave was so real, that it didn’t, like all past things, eventually get replaced by pain and despair, buried and ground away by time…

Lu Zizheng, deep in thought, wandered aimlessly and, before she knew it, found herself at her father’s cemetery… When she was younger, whenever she encountered unsolvable doubts, she would first think of her father. Now, she realized that this habit had never really changed.

From a distance, Lu Zizheng vaguely saw a woman standing in front of her father’s gravestone. She frowned, feeling puzzled, as the figure didn’t look like someone familiar.

As she walked closer to the woman, the figure became clearer but also increasingly unfamiliar. By the time Lu Zizheng stood beside the woman and saw her turn around, she was surprised to recognize that it was Zhou Fangfan.

Zhou Fangfan was evidently also surprised to see Lu Zizheng, her expression a mix of shock and joy, her face contorted with complex emotions, her mouth slightly open, and her eyes wide.

Lu Zizheng frowned and asked her, in a neither cold nor warm tone: “How come you are here?”

Zhou Fangfan lowered her head slightly, not daring to look at Lu Zizheng, and responded softly: “A few years ago, I came here to visit my grandfather and discovered that Uncle was also here. Later, when I came to visit my grandfather, I would come here to talk to Uncle. When I met you a few years ago, you said that fate would bring us together again, so I often waited here, hoping that fate would come. I didn’t expect to meet you so coincidentally today.”

Lu Zizheng crouched down and wiped her father’s face on the gravestone with her hand, and said softly: “In that case, I should thank you for often chatting with my father.”

Zhou Fangfan bit her lip, looking at Lu Zizheng with a complex expression. Finally, she also crouched down and sincerely said: “Every time I came to see Uncle, I would silently say a hundred times in my heart that I was sorry, sorry for hurting you. Today, I finally have the chance to say this directly to you in person. Zizheng, I’m sorry. Back then, I was not brave enough. I was too cowardly…”

Lu Zizheng turned her head, her gaze heavy, her eyes gradually becoming sharp…

How can her apology be so casually expressed? How much weight do the two words “I’m sorry” carry? The room full of psychology books, the scar on her wrist, all testify to the nightmare this woman once plunged her into.

That day, when she woke up from the hospital bed, with her wrist wrapped in thick bandages, her mother, with tearful eyes, asked her: “Your father has passed away, and now you want to leave too, leaving me all alone?”

At that moment, she clearly realized that she could not leave; she still had responsibilities, she still needed to take care of her mother.

Yet, she was still very unhappy. She read many books, trying to heal herself, but it was only occasionally effective.

At night, she often couldn’t sleep. In just half a year, she had become so thin that she was just skin and bones.

She asked her mother: “Am I really the pervert they say I am? Mom, am I remembering wrong? Did I really force Xiaofan? Why am I starting to forget? Mom, I don’t want to be a pervert, but I can’t change it. Mom, what should I do? I’m so scared.”

It was her mother who hugged her, repeatedly giving her confidence, telling her: “You are not a pervert; you are right, they are wrong. They are bad people; they don’t know anything, they are just talking nonsense.”

The year of the high school entrance exam was when her condition was at its worst. After transferring to a new school in an unfamiliar environment, she was like a mute; apart from studying, she was immersed in her own world. At night, doing homework, she would often cry while working.

Later, her mother took her to see a psychologist. With the end of the high school entrance exam and her admission to high school, her mother said it was a new beginning, and everything would get better, so she gradually started to improve.

Unfortunately, things did not go as hoped. She still encountered middle school classmates in high school, and the rumors about her quickly spread throughout the grade. Because of her classmates’ biased views, it seemed that all the bad things were somehow related to her. Even when the class fund went missing, it was suspected to be her fault because it was said her father’s early death led to a difficult life, so she was privately deemed the prime suspect. Thus, the nightmare she thought would end came back with renewed vigor…

Lu Zizheng raised her hand, squinting at her wrist. She intended to coldly refuse Zhou Fangfan’s apology, but as she raised her hand, the first thing she saw was not the horrifying scar but the thoughtful watch that Jiang Huaixi had given her.

In an instant, all her resentment seemed to dissolve like dark clouds meeting sunlight, slowly dispersing…

Perhaps, everything was preordained in some way, with causes and effects. Without the causes that Zhou Fangfan and the others had sown back then, perhaps, the sweet fruit like Jiang Huaixi would not have been borne? Could it be that all the shadows in her life were to await the appearance of Jiang Huaixi’s warm sunshine?

Lu Zizheng leaned against her father’s gravestone, sitting on the ground, looking at the broad watchband on her wrist. She smiled with relief: “Fangfan, it’s all in the past now. Let’s both forget about it…”

Zhou Fangfan sat down beside her, her gaze deep and tranquil, murmuring softly: “Forget?”

Lu Zizheng turned her head, looking at her profile reminiscent of her younger self, and thought of the times she had secretly watched her in class. A pang of nostalgia struck her. She looked up at the sky, as clear as a wash, and suddenly asked: “Xiaofan, do you still believe in love?” Her tone was as familiar and intimate as Zhou Fangfan knew.

Zhou Fangfan smiled softly: “Love? Zizheng, I’m getting married tomorrow. The groom is someone I met during a blind date six months ago. My parents think we are a good match in many ways, and since the age is right for it, they decided it was time to settle down. Today I came here to personally tell Grandpa about it.”

Lu Zizheng’s heart felt as if it had been struck hard, a dull pain spreading through her.

Grandma Jiang’s words echoed in her ears: “Huaixi, your brother has settled down, so I don’t need to worry. When will the other bracelet in my hand be given to my good grandson-in-law?”

Zhou Fangfan suddenly leaned closer to Lu Zizheng, whispering gently in her ear: “Zizheng, I’ll tell you a secret. My first love was a girl. I liked her for a very long time, and later, I regretted it for a long time. Since her, I probably can never like someone as much again in this lifetime. I want to tell that girl to be braver and happier than I was.”

LP: Re-translated on August 16, 2024