STT – Chapter 29

I am just a coward when it comes to love.

Lu Zizheng’s uncle, upon learning that Lu Zizheng and her mother had returned to Juzhou, enthusiastically invited them to have a reunion dinner at his house on New Year’s Eve.

Mother Lu smiled and politely declined, promising instead to visit on the first day of the New Year to have a meal together.

On New Year’s Eve, during the New Year’s Eve dinner, Mother Lu placed a bowl and chopsticks in the spot where Father Lu used to sit at the dining table. Smiling, she said to Lu Zizheng, “I wonder if your father would be angry, it’s been so long since we last had a meal with him…”

Lu Zizheng helped her bring out the dishes and replied with a light laugh, “Dad definitely won’t be angry with you. He dotes on you so much…”

Mother Lu nodded in agreement and then shook her head, saying, “Your father should be angry with you. This year again, you didn’t bring anyone home for him to see. He’s probably getting anxious waiting…”

Lu Zizheng sat down, served a bowl of soup for Mother Lu, and swiftly changed the topic, saying, “Mom, I’m hungry, let’s eat.”

Mother Lu sighed helplessly, and while placing food on Lu Zizheng’s plate, she reminded her, “Huaixi just called me to wish us a Happy New Year.”

Lu Zizheng paused slightly in the act of picking up food and responded sullenly, “Mm.”

Seeing her slow and lethargic demeanor, Mother Lu decided to give her a little push: “Zhengzheng, Huaixi’s patience will eventually run out one day. Sometimes, you should learn to be proactive and to give in.”

Lu Zizheng held the bowl in one hand, lightly stroking the rim with her index finger for a moment, then said in a low voice, “Mom, give me a little more time…”

Mother Lu was slightly taken aback. Time… she wondered if there would still be enough of it. Yet, she looked at Lu Zizheng indulgently, squinting her eyes with a smile and said, “Alright, Mom won’t push you. As long as you know in your heart, that’s fine. Come, let’s eat.”

After dinner, Lu Zizheng accompanied Mother Lu to the kitchen. While Mother Lu washed the dishes, Lu Zizheng helped with rinsing. Mother Lu sighed, “Another year older. In the future, even if Mom isn’t by your side, you need to know how to take good care of yourself to set my mind at ease, okay?”

After rinsing, Lu Zizheng didn’t bother to dry her hands. She reached out, hugged her mother, and nestled into her neck, acting spoiled, “I will take good care of myself, but Mom, you have to stay by my side forever.”

Mother Lu helplessly patted her head, moved her head away, and took a dry towel to help her dry her hands, laughing, “Always like a child who never grows up.”

After tidying up the kitchen, they returned to the living room to watch the Spring Festival Gala together. However, halfway through the show, Mother Lu said she was a bit tired and wanted to rest in her room first. She said she would get up at midnight to set off firecrackers.

Due to the heavy cleaning and preparation for the New Year over the past couple of days, Lu Zizheng was also a bit tired. Her mind was not on the Spring Festival Gala, so she turned off the TV and went back to her room to rest.

She leaned on her bed, listening to the continuous sound of fireworks and firecrackers outside the window, and stared blankly at her phone.

She opened the text message page, clicked on Jiang Huaixi’s name, and scrolled all the way to the top. Then, she started to read each message one by one.

Over the years, she and Jiang Huaixi had exchanged tens of thousands of messages. She didn’t know when it began, but she started to be reluctant to delete Jiang Huaixi’s messages. Later, whenever her storage was full, she would take out a notebook and painstakingly copy each message down. Only after re-reading them would she delete the messages from her phone.

As she flipped through the messages, recalling those conversations and scenes, her heart slowly began to settle.

As the clock slowly pointed to midnight, she heard her mother stepping out of her room to set off the firecrackers. Just as the clock struck twelve, the surrounding area was filled with the deafening sound of firecrackers, followed by the successive bursts of fireworks.

Lu Zizheng finally opened the chat window and sent a message to Jiang Huaixi: “Happy New Year.”

In no time, Jiang Huaixi replied. However, it was just a simple and emotionless four characters: “Happy New Year.”

Lu Zizheng frowned at those four characters for a long time. She typed and deleted in the chat window for a while, but eventually, she exited without saying anything more.

She first sent a New Year’s greeting to Xu Baihan and inquired about a convenient time to visit her at home. Then, she created a new message to send New Year’s greetings to some colleagues and acquaintances. After receiving Xu Baihan’s reply, Lu Zizheng turned off her phone, went to take a shower, and went to sleep.

On the first day of the Lunar New Year, after breakfast, Lu Zizheng accompanied Mother Lu to visit her uncle’s house to pay New Year’s greetings.

In her father’s family, there were no relatives left to visit, as his family had only one child per generation. On Mother Lu’s side, the only family left to visit was her uncle’s.

When her uncle and aunt saw Mother Lu, they were so happy that their eyes reddened. They pulled her to sit down and catch up. Lu Zizheng sat with them in the living room for a while before her cousin pulled her away.

Her relationship with her cousin wasn’t particularly close when they were young. However, because her uncle had taken good care of her and her mother, the two families frequently visited each other, so they were quite familiar. After many years apart, her cousin now seemed much warmer and more approachable.

Her cousin warmly inquired about Lu Zizheng’s life and work in Linzhou, engaging in casual conversation for a long time before hesitantly asking, “Cousin, have you… seen Lian Xuan again since then?”

Lu Zizheng was slightly taken aback, understanding her cousin’s thoughts. She smiled gently and replied, “Whether we meet again or not doesn’t matter anymore. Those things are in the past, so don’t dwell on them.”

Her cousin bit her lip and looked at Lu Zizheng with sincere regret, saying, “I’m sorry. It’s all my fault. I’ve owed you this apology for many years.”

Back then, her uncle lost his job, and her aunt was a housewife, leaving the family without a source of income. Her uncle’s original workplace was a subsidiary of the Lian family’s company. At that time, it was well-known throughout the school that Lu Zizheng and Lian Xuan were close friends. Her cousin, who attended the same school, naturally heard about it. Seeing her family in dire straits, she was desperate and came to seek help from Lu Zizheng. She said, “Sister, our family hasn’t been unkind to you and Auntie over the years, right? Please help us. You and Lian Xuan are so close; for you, it’s just a matter of asking her. For Lian Xuan, keeping one person employed is no big deal.”

At that time, Lu Zizheng never dared to ask Lian Xuan for anything, fearing it would trouble her, and even more so, fearing that Lian Xuan would look down on her. Naturally, she repeatedly shook her head and refused.

Her cousin, in desperation, began to speak without thinking, angrily accusing her of being heartless, saying that all the kindness their family had shown to her and her mother was in vain. She said that for something as simple as a word, she was unwilling to lift a finger. She claimed that if their family ever faced a real crisis, they couldn’t rely on her, and that her uncle had raised an ungrateful wretch.

She couldn’t withstand her cousin’s pleading and scolding. After much hesitation, she finally agreed. That was the first and last time she asked Lian Xuan for help.

Lu Zizheng sighed, smiled faintly, and replied to her cousin, “You did nothing wrong. The mistake was mine. Really, let it go.”

At that time, she indeed made a grave mistake. She mistakenly believed in the warmth of Lian Xuan’s smile, misinterpreted the heat and sweetness of Lian Xuan’s kiss, and overestimated Lian Xuan’s feelings for her.

The first time, Zhou Fangfan kissed her lips and then abandoned her to face the storm alone. The second time, Lian Xuan kissed her lips and then left her to weather the tempest by herself.

Zhou Fangfan left her with nothing but a spit and a call of “pervert,” while Lian Xuan gifted her with a look of disdain and the reputation of having misjudged someone.

Lu Zizheng didn’t understand. If kissing wasn’t a proof of love, then why did she crave the warmth of someone’s lips so much when she fell in love? But if kissing was a proof of love, then why could someone turn around and choose to hurt you, delivering a fatal blow?

On the third day of the Lunar New Year, Lu Zizheng accepted Xu Baihan’s invitation and went to the Xu family’s home.

Just like in high school, Xu Baihan sent a driver to pick her up. When they arrived at the Xu family’s home, the driver, following Xu Baihan’s instructions, told Lu Zizheng, “Miss asked you to go directly to her bedroom. It’s the room on the first floor, to the left.”

In all the years Lu Zizheng had known Xu Baihan, she had visited the Xu family’s home many times, but this was the first time she was entering Xu Baihan’s bedroom.

The door was half-closed. Lu Zizheng knocked lightly on it twice and heard Xu Baihan’s warm and serene voice respond, “Zizheng, is that you? Come in.”

Lu Zizheng pushed the door open and saw Xu Baihan sitting in a wheelchair in front of the desk, with a thick wool blanket covering her knees. She was tilting her head slightly, smiling warmly at her.

After closing the door and turning around, Lu Zizheng saw Xu Baihan pat the chair beside her, signaling for her to sit down.

Lu Zizheng noticed that the computer was on, and after a short stretch of soft music flowed through the speakers, a clear and cool female voice emerged: “Good evening, dear listeners. This is your DJ Jiang Huai…”

Lu Zizheng was slightly taken aback and looked at Xu Baihan in confusion. Xu Baihan smiled gently and asked, “Do you remember?”

Lu Zizheng’s eyes curved with a smile as she replied, “Of course, I remember.”

If she remembered correctly, this episode should be the first time she collaborated with Jiang Huaixi. She wrote the script, and Jiang Huaixi did the broadcast.

During her freshman year, after returning to school from New Year’s Day, Xu Baihan told her that the campus radio station was recruiting freshmen. Xu Baihan was studying in the Chinese Department and was the deputy station manager at the time. Xu Baihan had always encouraged her to give it a try. Persuaded and reassured by Xu Baihan’s presence, she signed up. Little did she know, she would pass all the tests and interviews and get accepted.

On the first Monday after the recruitment, the radio station held a general meeting. Lu Zizheng followed Xu Baihan and listened to the station manager’s passionate speech. She was full of excitement and anticipation, but when she turned her head, she unexpectedly saw that ever-present face of Jiang Huaixi.

Jiang Huaixi sat with her hands clasped on the table, sitting upright, her eyes focused intently on the stage, listening attentively, as if she hadn’t noticed Lu Zizheng at all.

Lu Zizheng screamed internally, feeling extremely frustrated and thinking that it was truly a case of narrow roads for enemies.

Who would have thought that at the end of the meeting, when the heads of each department came on stage to assign the freshmen into groups, she would, by sheer coincidence, end up in the same group as Jiang Huaixi? The moment Lu Zizheng heard the news, she reflexively turned her head to look at Jiang Huaixi, and coincidentally, Jiang Huaixi was also looking at her. Their eyes met in mid-air, and Lu Zizheng clearly saw a hint of smugness in Jiang Huaixi’s gaze.

As soon as the meeting ended, Lu Zizheng couldn’t hold back and protested to Xu Baihan, expressing her wish to be reassigned to a different group.

Xu Baihan glanced at Jiang Huaixi, who was still sitting not far away and hadn’t left yet, and said somewhat reluctantly, “It seems that the station manager knows Jiang Huaixi, and I heard that this grouping was requested by Jiang Huaixi herself…”

Lu Zizheng bit her lip in displeasure and said, “If it’s really impossible, then I’ll quit.”

Xu Baihan was shocked and said, “My dear sister, what deep-seated grudge do you have with her that makes you so incompatible? Don’t be impulsive; let me go over and talk to her.”

Lu Zizheng watched as Xu Baihan wheeled herself over to Jiang Huaixi and exchanged a few words. Jiang Huaixi furrowed her brows and glanced in her direction. After a moment, Jiang Huaixi walked straight over to her.

Standing tall in front of the seated Lu Zizheng, Jiang Huaixi looked down at her, her furrowed brows and beautiful face full of displeasure. “You really don’t want to see me?”

Lu Zizheng kept her head down, avoiding her gaze, and responded coldly, “I’m glad Miss Jiang has some self-awareness.”

Jiang Huaixi didn’t like her avoiding attitude. She forcefully lifted Lu Zizheng’s chin, making her look at her. “Why won’t you look at me?”

Lu Zizheng hated this kind of domineering and flippant behavior the most. Her anger flared as she sharply slapped away Jiang Huaixi’s hand from her chin, stood up abruptly, and hissed in a low voice, “What are you doing, touching me like that? What’s so good about you? What are you looking at?!”

Jiang Huaixi was taken aback by the outburst, a momentary panic flashing across her face before she quickly masked it. She stared coldly at Lu Zizheng for a long time, then let out a chilly laugh and said, “Very well. If you don’t want to be in the same group as me, I won’t force you. But remember this, one day, you will personally ask the station manager to pair up with me.” With that, she picked up the coat she had placed on the table, draped it over her arm, and strode out of the classroom with long steps.

Lu Zizheng was slightly stunned by her powerful aura, watching in a daze as she walked away.

Suddenly, Jiang Huaixi turned her head back unexpectedly, raised an eyebrow, and looked straight into Lu Zizheng’s eyes. She retorted mockingly, “What are you looking at? Didn’t you say there’s nothing good to see?”

Lu Zizheng was at a loss for words, unable to come up with a rebuttal, and could only watch as Jiang Huaixi turned back around and walked away gracefully. Beside her, Xu Baihan, who had quietly been watching the two of them, finally couldn’t help but laugh, “You two are really something…”

Not long after that, Lu Zizheng experienced firsthand how Jiang Huaixi was a woman of her word.

Now, the program that Xu Baihan was playing was the first episode she collaborated with Jiang Huaixi on after she requested the station manager to change her group.

Lu Zizheng asked Xu Baihan, “Why did you suddenly think of listening to this?”

Xu Baihan’s gaze shifted to a red invitation card placed on the desk and said, “Huang Ze is getting married.”

Lu Zizheng stood up, picked up the invitation on the desk, and opened it to take a look. She asked in a low voice, “What about Qi Yu? How is she?”

Xu Baihan gave a bitter smile and said, “She went to the United States, married a divorced American man, and got a green card.”

Lu Zizheng fell silent for a moment, feeling a bit melancholic, just like Xu Baihan.

Huang Ze and Qi Yu were a year senior to Lu Zizheng. They were childhood friends, attending the same class from elementary school to high school, and had always harbored feelings for each other. By a stroke of luck, they ended up at the same university, and in their freshman year, they finally confessed their feelings and got together. They were acknowledged as the golden couple of their radio station. However, in Lu Zizheng’s sophomore year, they broke up. No one knew what happened; all that was known was that both of them left the radio station. Afterward, it was heard that Qi Yu went through one boyfriend after another, and Huang Ze did the same with girlfriends. During their graduation year, the radio station organized a farewell party, but neither of them showed up, and they never saw each other again.

Lu Zizheng sighed and said, “If they had never started, perhaps what they would have left for each other would be a pure secret crush from their youth. Thinking about it, it might be regrettable, but also beautiful.”

Xu Baihan smiled slightly and said, “But if I were them, knowing the outcome, I would still be willing to start. At least, we once had it.”

Lu Zizheng was somewhat surprised by Xu Baihan’s decisiveness and marveled, “I never expected you to be so persistent and brave about love, sister.”

Xu Baihan shook her head with a bitter smile and said, “You’re wrong. When it comes to love, I’m just a coward.”

With a hint of sorrow on her gentle face, she softly asked Lu Zizheng, “Do you remember I said I wanted to tell you a story?”

Lu Zizheng nodded gravely, her intuition telling her that this wasn’t going to be a happy story.

LP: Re-translated on August 14, 2024