STT – Chapter 28

I’m afraid you don’t love me as much as I imagine

As the New Year approached, Lu Zizheng took a shower after work and then lay down on the bed to call her mother, preparing to discuss the arrangements for buying New Year goods.

Mother Lu pondered for a moment before telling Lu Zizheng, “Zhengzheng, this year I want to go back to Juzhou for the New Year.”

Lu Zizheng was slightly taken aback, clearly a bit surprised. Ever since her mother moved to Linzhou and bought a house there, she hadn’t taken her back to celebrate the New Year for the first year.

Mother Lu’s voice was somewhat low: “It’s been many years since I celebrated the New Year with your father…”

Lu Zizheng knew her mother was missing her father. She felt a bit guilty; her mother had to leave Juzhou and come here to take care of her. Now that her mother wanted to go back, she had no reason to stop her. Without any hesitation, she agreed, “Then let’s go back to Juzhou. I’ll book the tickets tomorrow. I have to work until the 27th, so I’ll book the tickets for the morning of the 28th. Mom, do you want to wait for me to go together, or do you want to go back first?”

Mother Lu replied, “Let’s go together.”

On the 27th, after finishing work, Lu Zizheng returned home to pack her luggage to her mother’s house. The luggage had been prepared the night before.

After dinner, she stood alone on the balcony, gazing at the distant lights of thousands of households, suddenly feeling a bit lonely. She and her mother had bought a house in this city and settled down, but ultimately, this place was still not her mother’s home. No matter how many painful memories Juzhou held for them, she had to admit that it still contained her mother’s deepest concerns and roots, for her beloved father was there. “Where the heart belongs is my hometown.” No matter how far one travels, her mother’s roots would always be with her father. Was she destined to wander and become a person without roots?

That night, Lu Zizheng again suffered from insomnia. Since she needed to wake up early the next day to catch the bus, she didn’t hesitate and took two sleeping pills from the drawer, quickly falling into a deep sleep.

She felt as if she saw the dawn breaking through her sleepy eyes, and Jiang Huaixi appeared at her bedside early in the morning, lifting her blanket and tickling her armpits, urging her to get up quickly.

She asked Jiang Huaixi, “Why are you here so early? Is it because you’re going to miss the bus? Is the train about to leave?”

However, Jiang Huaixi just pulled her out of bed and playfully pushed her into the bathroom, laughing, “You really still haven’t woken up…” She squeezed toothpaste onto the toothbrush and handed it to her, then filled her cup with water and passed it to her before saying, “Didn’t we agree on this yesterday? Don’t play tricks now.”

Lu Zizheng, still a bit groggy and confused, felt that waking up to see Jiang Huaixi was truly wonderful, like a dream. Suddenly, as if awakened from a deep sleep, she began to realize that perhaps she was dreaming.

She mechanically finished brushing her teeth while lost in thought and turned her head to look at Jiang Huaixi. Jiang Huaixi had just finished brushing her teeth as well. Spitting out the last bit of foam, she rinsed her mouth, her lips pink and shiny. When she saw Lu Zizheng looking at her, she raised an eyebrow in confusion, puckered her lips, and looked exceptionally cute.

Lu Zizheng felt her heart warming. Since it was a dream, she could do whatever she wanted without reservation, right? She put down the cup, unable to suppress the desire in her heart, reached out, and pulled Jiang Huaixi close. In Jiang Huaixi’s surprised gaze, she pressed her lips against hers, leaving a passionate kiss.

After a moment of surprise, Jiang Huaixi did not push her away. She wrapped one arm around Lu Zizheng’s waist and gently stroked her hair near her ear, responding tenderly and softly.

When the kiss ended, Lu Zizheng blushed, her eyes shining as she gazed at Jiang Huaixi, who was slightly panting with a rosy face. She was reluctant to move even a little. Jiang Huaixi slightly curled her lips, looking at her with her index finger on her own lips, her red lips gently pursing as she murmured, “It seems I neglected Zizheng last night…”

It was the first time Lu Zizheng had seen Jiang Huaixi looking so charming and alluring, and she immediately blushed and couldn’t bear to look at her. Then she heard Jiang Huaixi chuckle softly, taking her hand and leading her outside, teasingly saying, “Weren’t you quite assertive just now? Turns out you’re just brave enough to act but not to admit it…”

Lu Zizheng turned her face to look at Jiang Huaixi, laughing and narrowing her eyes. If she could have such dreams every night, she would be willing to live in that dream from now on.

It turned out that what Jiang Huaixi had promised was to accompany her to climb a mountain together. Standing at the foot of the towering mountain, Lu Zizheng felt a bit intimidated. It seemed that Jiang Huaixi sensed this; she touched her face, kissed her forehead, and comforted her in a gentle voice, “Don’t be afraid. I’m here with you.”

She held Lu Zizheng’s hand, their fingers interlocked. Lu Zizheng gripped Jiang Huaixi’s soft hand tightly, feeling as if the world was within her grasp, and she was no longer afraid of anything. Following Jiang Huaixi’s steps, they chatted and laughed all the way to the mountain peak.

However, when they finally reached the top and stood side by side to admire the beautiful scenery, Lu Zizheng turned her head and unexpectedly saw Zhou Fangfan and Lin Wei.

They were standing not far away, looking at her and Jiang Huaixi, and with a contemptuous tone, they said, “Oh, Zizheng, after all these years, you’re still the same pervert, out here harming others again. How come your mom didn’t send you to a mental hospital back then?” After finishing, they spat in her and Jiang Huaixi’s direction and strutted away arrogantly.

She tightly held Jiang Huaixi’s hand, positioning herself in front of Jiang Huaixi to shield her from the terrible expressions of Zhou Fangfan and Lin Wei.

But just as Zhou Fangfan and Lin Wei left, Ji Yao and Lian Xuan suddenly appeared out of nowhere. Ji Yao shook her head in regret and said to Lu Zizheng, “I told you back then, Lian Xuan is just curious about you, thinking it’s fun. She knows all your past and warned you not to get too deep, but you didn’t listen. Look, now you’re suffering, right? If you’re smart, you should keep your distance from Lian Xuan in the future and not get entangled again.”

Lu Zizheng shouted in defense, “I’m not entangled with Lian Xuan…”

But Lian Xuan merely shot her a disdainful glance, just like in the past, and she and Ji Yao disappeared together.

Feeling wronged and seeking comfort, Lu Zizheng sensed that the hand she was holding felt empty. Turning around, she realized that Jiang Huaixi was nowhere to be found. When she looked back, she saw that Jiang Huaixi was already far away from her, standing in front of a row of people: Grandma Jiang, Father Jiang, and Mother Jiang. Mother Jiang said, “Zizheng, don’t come looking for Huaixi anymore. How could Huaixi be like you, a pervert? Just let her go.”

She cried and rushed toward Mother Jiang, wanting to break through the barriers of the Jiang family to reach Jiang Huaixi, but she couldn’t break through at all. All she could do was cry and plead with Mother Jiang to allow her to be with Jiang Huaixi. She said, “Auntie, I really love Huaixi. I will love her more than anyone else.”

But Mother Jiang said, “If you really love her, let her go and have a normal life under the sun. Don’t let her suffer continuous humiliation just for something like climbing a mountain. Is this really how you show your love for Huaixi by allowing her to live like this?”

For a moment, she couldn’t think of any words to argue back and could only look at Jiang Huaixi with tear-filled eyes, full of hope and pleading for help.

However, Jiang Huaixi stood behind Father Jiang and Grandma Jiang, only whispering a “I’m sorry” before following Mother Jiang and the others away.

Lu Zizheng stood alone at the mountaintop in despair, her legs trembling, her heart racing wildly, almost unable to keep her balance, with nothing around her to grab onto for support. A fierce, cold mountain wind blew past, and she lost her footing, getting blown off into the abyss…

Lu Zizheng woke up with a jolt of pain. Before she even opened her eyes, she became aware of her surroundings and heard her mother softly calling her, “Zizheng, don’t be afraid, Mom is here…”

When she opened her eyes, she saw her mother kneeling beside her, holding her tightly, while she was lying on the cold ground. Her mother said she had heard a loud noise from next door and ran in to find her lying on the floor, crying.

She propped herself up on the floor, sat up, rubbed the back of her head, wiped away her tears, and reassured her mother, “Mom, I’m fine. You should go back to your room; it’s chilly at night.”

Mother Lu, feeling uneasy, asked, “Did you fall? Were you having a nightmare?”

Seeing that her mother had no intention of leaving just yet, Lu Zizheng pulled Mother Lu into the blanket with her and replied, “I didn’t fall; I just had a nightmare.”

Mother Lu sighed and held Lu Zizheng tightly, speaking softly, “It’s okay, don’t be afraid. Mom is here with you.”

Lu Zizheng nestled into her mother’s embrace, softly pleading, “Mom, you have to stay with me forever and ever; you can’t leave me.”

Mother Lu gently patted her back, saying, “Silly child, how could Mom always be with you? There will come a day when Mom grows old.”

Lu Zizheng closed her eyes and softly murmured, “On the day Mom leaves, I’ll accompany Mom. Wherever Mom goes, I’ll go too.”

Mother Lu stopped patting her back and lightly tapped her head as a form of reprimand, saying, “What nonsense are you talking about?”

Lu Zizheng fell silent, feeling sullen.

Mother Lu comforted her softly, “Stop overthinking and go to sleep…”

Later, Lu Zizheng fell into a drowsy sleep in her mother’s embrace.

When she woke up in the morning, neither Lu Zizheng nor Mother Lu mentioned what had happened the previous night. After having breakfast, they took a taxi to the station to catch a train back to Juzhou.

On the train, Lu Zizheng sat by the window, resting her chin in one hand, silently watching the scenery fly by outside, lost in thought.

The journey was filled with dust and flowers in full bloom. Yet, how could the passengers on this train to distant places discern who was merely a fleeting landscape and who was the long-awaited return home?

Suddenly, her phone rang in the silence, the screen flashing with Jiang Huaixi’s name. Lu Zizheng stared at it for a long time before finally answering.

Jiang Huaixi’s voice was as cool and steady as ever: “Have you bought the New Year’s goods at home? I want to buy some things for my family this afternoon. If it’s convenient for you, why don’t you come with me?”

Lu Zizheng knew that the Jiang family had already prepared their New Year’s supplies, so there was no need for Jiang Huaixi to get involved. Jiang Huaixi was just being considerate, worried that it would be inconvenient for her to shop without a car. But as she looked at the scenery flashing by outside the window, she felt a wave of lethargy wash over her. “No, I’m already on the bus with my mom; we’re going back to Juzhou this year.”

Jiang Huaixi was clearly surprised and asked, “Why didn’t you mention this before?”

Lu Zizheng lightly closed her eyes and replied lightly, “Why would I need to tell you?”

On the other end of the line, Jiang Huaixi fell silent for a moment before calmly responding, “Then it’s nothing. Wishing you and Auntie a safe journey. Goodbye.”

The busy tone echoed from the phone as Lu Zizheng held it up, listening intently without hanging up.

Huaixi, I’m sorry. I love you. I’m sorry…

Mother Lu turned her head and asked, “Is it Huaixi calling? Did you two have a disagreement?”

Exhausted, Lu Zizheng leaned her head against her mother’s shoulder and whispered, “Mom, I feel like Huaixi and I are lost. We were walking together in a forest, and neither of us was in a hurry. But now, when I want to find a way out, I realize there’s only one exit ahead, marked ‘high risk.’ I’m all mixed up inside and don’t know whether I should try to take Huaixi on this adventure with me. But Huaixi remains unfazed, and I can’t read her at all, making me even more lost and helpless.”

Mother Lu gently patted Lu Zizheng’s head and said, “Why don’t you ask her if she wants to go on the adventure with you?”

Lu Zizheng replied, “I’m afraid…” She was afraid that once the bow was drawn, there would be no turning back.

Mother Lu encouraged her, “Zhengzheng, do you remember what I always told you when you were little? Don’t be afraid. No matter what you encounter, always remember to be brave.”

But Lu Zizheng merely lay her head on her shoulder and whispered, “Mom, I feel so sad…”

She was terrified that if she didn’t reach out to grab hold of Jiang Huaixi, one day she would lose her for good. Yet she was even more afraid that if she did reach out and hold on, it still wouldn’t prevent the inevitable loss. What frightened her the most was the thought that she might not be able to hold on at all, that it would be like spilled water—impossible to take back. At that point, they wouldn’t even be able to remain friends.

Knowing she shouldn’t, she couldn’t help but want more. Even though she hated her own weakness and cowardice, she still couldn’t resist throwing a tantrum, wanting to blame Huaixi’s indulgence and patience.

She was afraid that she didn’t love her as much as she imagined, that she wasn’t as steadfast; she was afraid she might leave halfway, leaving her alone in place; she was afraid that one day, if she faced criticism, she would start to regret it and blame her for leading her down the wrong path; most of all, she was afraid that she’ll see their relationship only as good friends, and not as lovers…

LP: Re-translated on August 13, 2024