So I Had No Choice But to Stop Being the White Moonlight – Chapter 45

Liking

For a moment, Chi Qian felt as if the world had gone silent.

The sound of the gongs and drums outside was thunderous, but the little girl’s innocent voice overpowered the suona¹; even the gongs and drums seemed to be accompanying her, cheering her on.

As spring turned to summer, though it was only just noon, the sunlight was already shining intensely straight into the room.

Chi Qian felt her face grow scorching hot from the sun, and she truly experienced for the first time what it meant that a child’s words are without taboo².

Or perhaps it was that a child’s eyes, not having been tainted by so many worldly affairs, could see things more clearly than any adult.

She and Shi Jinlan really were very…

“Oh, my, our Guoguo.”

The word “compatible” was just about to surface in Chi Qian’s mind, but before she could voice it, Auntie Zhou’s laughter interrupted her.

Amused by what the little girl had just said, her face lit up with a smile as she reached out to pat the girl’s cheek. “Do you even know what ‘a good match’ means?”

“It means a pair!” the little girl explained, trying her best to prove that what she had just said wasn’t wrong. “Was I wrong?”

“No, of course not.” Auntie Zhou couldn’t hide the laughter in her voice.

She turned to look at Chi Qian, then at Shi Jinlan, and said to the little girl with a meaningful tone, “Our Ah Qing and Lady Ling Ji are a natural-born pair³.”

Having been praised by the adult, the little girl smiled proudly, as if she’d received an award.

Perhaps because of this, she grew much bolder and took the initiative to ask Shi Jinlan and Chi Qian, “You two fairy jiejie⁴, can I take a picture of you?”

The little girl was still a bit timid around Shi Jinlan, so her gaze was mostly directed at Chi Qian.

Chi Qian naturally took on the question, but she didn’t dare to make the decision herself.

Shi Jinlan is a loner and not someone who likes having her picture taken.

Given her personality, even though the one making the request is a little girl, she probably wouldn’t indulge her just to preserve the girl’s innocence.

After all, growing up, no one had ever protected or indulged her like that.

So how would she know that she should protect and indulge a little girl?

Chi Qian thought for a moment and decided she would be the one to turn the little girl down. She crouched down, looked the girl over, and figured she didn’t seem to have a phone. She then asked, “Guoguo, did you bring a phone? How can you take a picture of us if you don’t have one?”

“I have a Little Genius⁵!” the little girl said, proudly raising the watch on her wrist.

That bright pink cartoon watch was blinking, its design looking no different from the slider phones of the past.

I haven’t had much interaction with children, Chi Qian thought, marveling that kids’ products had developed to such an extent.

“Come, come, our time is precious. Let’s fight a quick battle to force a quick decision⁶.” Auntie Zhou glanced outside and, as she spoke, pushed Shi Jinlan and Chi Qian together. She then instructed the little girl, “Guoguo, get your watch ready.”

“Okay.” The little girl followed Auntie Zhou’s command and took the watch off her wrist.

Before Chi Qian could think of another way out, Auntie Zhou had already walked briskly behind the little girl and started giving directions for her: “Qianqian, stand a little more to the left.”

And to the left was closer to Shi Jinlan.

People were coming and going all around, causing the hems of their clothes to flutter.

Tiny fibers and fabric clung together; clothes were like a person’s second set of tentacles.

I don’t know what Shi Jinlan is thinking. Last night’s kiss lies in my mind like a bottle drifting in the sea, rising and falling with the waves. Every time I try to force the thought down, it bounces back up even higher.

At this moment, their robes were wide, and they would press against each other if they got even a little closer.

Chi Qian’s mind was in turmoil, as if she were back in her school days, furtively standing next to the goddess she had a crush on, moving every step with extreme caution.

And in a way, this was indeed her first photo together with Shi Jinlan.

Auntie Zhou looked at the stiff Chi Qian in the frame and couldn’t help but tsk. “Qianqian, come a little closer. Why do you look so unnatural?”

“Do I?” Chi Qian retorted stubbornly.

“Of course you do,” Auntie Zhou chided, then ordered, “Put your hands down. Don’t hold them so formally. You look like a waitress.”

“Oh.” Chi Qian nodded and stood at attention for the camera.

Hiss…

Auntie Zhou grimaced, her expression full of confusion.

Our Qianqian isn’t usually like this.

“How about turning your body slightly?” Auntie Zhou directed.

Chi Qian stood at attention at a forty-five-degree angle.

“Tilt your head?” Auntie Zhou wouldn’t give up.

Chi Qian looks a bit like a patient in physical therapy for hemiplegia.

“You…” Auntie Zhou scratched her head, completely out of ideas. “How about you just put them in front again.”

“Oh.” Chi Qian obeyed and immediately resumed her waitress pose.

Auntie Zhou really couldn’t figure it out. Looking at the person in the frame, who was ten thousand times more rigid than usual, she furrowed her brow and began to doubt her own eyes. “Qianqian, are you… that unphotogenic?”

“A little, I guess,” Chi Qian said, embarrassed.

I don’t want to be, but my nervousness is growing wildly out of my control.

The more I care, the harder it is to get the measure right.

And just then, the door to the break room was pushed open from the outside.

The man in charge of coordinating burst in, panting for breath. Before he could recover, he urged, “Auntie Zhou! The village chief says we start in fifteen minutes! Are you ready over here?!”

“Alright, I got it!”

Auntie Zhou waved to the man, then looked at Chi Qian in the frame. No longer caring if it looked good, she said to the little girl, “Just take it like this, Guoguo. Time is running out.”

“Oh, okay.” The little girl nodded obediently, looked seriously at the frame, and started a countdown for the two fairy jiejie over there: “5…”

“4…”

“3…”

“2…”

The little girl’s childish voice lingered in the vast break room. Amidst the noisy clamor of voices, Chi Qian heard her every count clearly.

The numbers approaching “zero” are like a tightening rope, binding my hands and feet and making me exceptionally tense.

“1!”

And just as the final number was called out, Chi Qian suddenly felt an arm wrap around her right arm.

Her tense body moved uncontrollably, her entire person tilting to the left.

Tilting in Shi Jinlan’s direction.

The fluffy yet structured fabric bunched up at her elbow, vaguely outlining for Chi Qian the shape of the hand resting on it.

Long, slender fingers, each one distinct, pressed against the fabric, their tips tinged with red.

I know it’s Shi Jinlan’s hand without even looking.

But…

Why would she take the initiative to put an arm around me like that?

The sounds of celebration outside grew increasingly intense. The drummer could never have imagined that as he beat furiously upon the drum, in a room somewhere, a certain person’s heart was pounding along with his dense rhythm, and for a moment, it felt like all her blood would rush to her head.

Chi Qian’s reactions were always half a beat slow. She was still processing this sudden change when a calm, flat question sounded by her ear: “You dislike taking a picture with me that much?”

“Of course not!” Chi Qian blurted out. She then lifted the chin she had been deliberately tucking to make her face look slimmer and looked at Shi Jinlan.

Sunlight, carrying a golden sheen, landed in Chi Qian’s eyes, and her clear pupils were filled with urgency.

Her urgency was so great, it was as if she feared that a delay of even a second would lead people to pass final judgment on her only when the lid is on her coffin⁷.

Shi Jinlan keenly and precisely registered Chi Qian’s emotion. A faint smile bloomed in her eyes. “Good.”

Last night, in the dim light, she hadn’t been able to see clearly; Shi Jinlan’s features had been shrouded in Chi Qian’s own shadow.

But now, natural light shone from all directions, falling clearly upon Shi Jinlan’s face and magnifying her features. Her eyes, the bridge of her nose—everything was so perfect, as if sketched with just a few strokes to evoke a sense of coldness and detachment.

If one were to ignore that smile.

After staring in a daze for a good while, Chi Qian realized that Shi Jinlan didn’t actually keep people a thousand li away⁸.

She could sense the gentleness emanating from her. The smile on that cool, detached face was sometimes frightening, but at other times, it made one feel that she, too, was a person of flesh and blood.

A very, very good person.

Shi Jinlan’s sudden action made the photo of them together turn out very well.

Looking at the photo on the watch, Auntie Zhou’s earlier worried expression was washed away by a smile. “You have to hand it to Miss Shen, she knows what to do. It looks great, just gorgeous.”

“Qianqian, look, you’re so much more natural than before.” As she spoke, Auntie Zhou brought the little girl’s watch over to Chi Qian.

It was unclear whether the little girl had mastered some photography trick or if it was an automatic feature of the Little Genius, but after the countdown ended, it had taken several photos in a row.

The whole set of pictures, strung together, was like an old movie, playing frame by frame before Chi Qian’s eyes. She watched herself inch closer and closer to Shi Jinlan, lean against her, their eyes meeting.

The aqua hem of her skirt mingled with Shi Jinlan’s pale pink sleeves, imbued with a gentle warmth.

The flowers on their heads bloomed like rosy clouds, complementing each other. Just as Guoguo had said, they were a very good match.

Compatible.

That word, interrupted earlier by Auntie Zhou, had finally appeared in Chi Qian’s heart.

She found that she was genuinely happy about this word being used to describe her and Shi Jinlan, her gaze lingering, unable to stop looking at the way they stood together.

My face…

Her gaze shifted to herself, and Chi Qian paused.

This isn’t my face.

I don’t look like this in my original world.

It’s as if a shot put thrown from high above came crashing down, viciously yanking my heart into a plummet.

I suddenly can’t tell if my “compatibility” with Shi Jinlan is because of me, or because of this skin bag⁹.

And if it’s because of this skin bag of mine, why am I so sad?

Clearly, no matter the reason, as long as I’m compatible with Shi Jinlan, that should be enough.

Anyway, I’m just doing a mission. As long as the mission succeeds, it doesn’t matter whether Shi Jinlan is a match for my skin bag or my soul, right?

Why be so conflicted?

Chi Qian,

you cannot fall in love.

Thirteen said it before: those who were sent to be destroyed were all people who couldn’t detach themselves from the system’s missions.

To be without love is to be without burdens¹⁰. I have to be this way. Otherwise, how can I do missions in the future? How can I survive in the system?

I have to… survive first.

The air grew a degree colder. Shi Jinlan’s attention was still on the photo, and she didn’t notice the change in the expression of the person beside her.

Just as she was about to turn her head to look at Chi Qian, she felt a tug on her sleeve.

The tug was faint. Shi Jinlan looked down and saw the little girl who had just taken their picture.

Having seen Shi Jinlan put her arm around Chi Qian, the little girl hadn’t expected this fairy jiejie, who looked so cold and fierce, to actually be quite gentle.

So, while the fairy jiejie was admiring the photo she’d taken, she boldly sidled up to Shi Jinlan, looking at her as if she had something to say.

How could Shi Jinlan not see what the little girl was thinking? Being in a rather good mood, she crouched down. “Is something the matter?”

The little girl nodded, cautiously leaned in close to Shi Jinlan, and whispered to her, “Jiejie¹¹, tell me the truth. You’re actually Lady Ling Ji, right?”

Hearing this, Shi Jinlan let out a laugh, thinking that this child certainly had an imagination.

She didn’t know where the interest came from, but she found herself with a bit of rare patience for this little girl and asked, “Why do you think so?”

“Because Jiejie, just like Lady Ling Ji, you both have difficulty walking¹², and you’re both amazing people!” As she spoke, the little girl’s eyes sparkled, full of adoration as she looked at Shi Jinlan.

Shi Jinlan looked at the little girl’s exaggerated expression and, with a wondering sort of laugh, asked in return, “Is that so?”

“Mhm.” The little girl nodded emphatically, as if the harder she nodded, the truer the answer would become.

She simply found Shi Jinlan so beautiful that she couldn’t bear to look away.

Her gaze traveled all over Shi Jinlan, and then she cautiously touched Shi Jinlan’s cane. “Jiejie, does it hurt when you walk?”

Shi Jinlan wasn’t kind enough to protect a child’s innocence like other adults would. She told the truth: “It hurts with every step.”

“Then why do you still walk, Jiejie?” the little girl asked, confused. “Doesn’t Grandpa Chi’s house have a wheelchair? It wouldn’t hurt if you used a wheelchair, right?”

“Because I want to stand. A lot of things are inconvenient when you’re sitting,” Shi Jinlan answered in a faint voice.

The little girl didn’t think much of it. “But I think sitting is great. My mom is always telling me to get up and walk around, and I don’t like it.”

Accustomed to minds full of undercurrents, such transparent innocence as the little girl’s was truly a rare sight.

As Shi Jinlan watched the child’s words and actions, she was suddenly reminded of someone—thinking that person must have been like this as a child, too—and she couldn’t help but reach out and stroke the little girl’s head. “When there’s a place you have to reach on your own two feet, you stop liking sitting down so much.”

The little girl listened, looking thoughtful.

She looked at Chi Qian not far away, then back at Shi Jinlan in front of her. Her tone was like someone who had discovered a hidden treasure. “So, Jiejie, you must really, really like that other jiejie! You want to stand together with her, and that’s why you’re trying so hard to stand up, isn’t it?!”

Those eyes, which had yet to see the ways of the world, were sparkling, more dazzling than the sunlight.

Shi Jinlan seemed to hear the bang of a gunshot by her ear. The sound was clean and sharp, striking her right in the heart.

Liking.

Is this liking?

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The author has something to say:

The little girl: Guoguo, I am worthy of being enshrined in the Imperial Ancestral Temple¹³ lu!¹⁴

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