Adults and Children
Yan Xi was Tao Zhenzhen’s roommate. Originally, she was a year behind Tao Zhenzhen, and when she first enrolled, she’d heard that a senior in her dorm building was unwed and pregnant before her time. On a university campus, gossip always travels fast, especially a juicy scandal about a young, beautiful, and talented girl.
When she became a sophomore, the department reassigned dorm rooms, and she discovered she’d become roommates with that very same senior.
They were in different majors with different class schedules, but over time, she found that Tao Zhenzhen was a proud and hardworking person. Her return to campus had also brought a lot of wind words and wind speech1, and some people with ill intentions who just wanted to watch the drama would use the matter to taunt her. She ignored them all, carrying herself like a peacock with its head held high every day, proudly and coldly displaying her brilliant talents around the school: studying, going to the library, participating in speech competitions, debate tournaments, and student council selections.
Yan Xi admired her. Sharing a dorm, the two gradually became friends who could speak deeply despite a shallow acquaintance.
Yan Xi wasn’t someone who opened her heart to people easily. She felt that friendship depended on fate, but even the best of friends had to draw clear boundaries and respect each other’s privacy. She felt her friendship with Tao Zhenzhen was a little better than just being roommates, a friendship akin to the saying, “the bond between gentlemen is as pale as water2.” So, she never asked.
She’d originally planned to leave right after dropping off the documents for Tao Zhenzhen, but the mutual accusations and curses between the man and woman made their beautiful young faces twist into something hideous. She had no intention of getting involved in someone else’s business. But unexpectedly, she turned her head and met the eyes of Tao Anzhi, who had opened the door just a crack.
The little girl, dwarfed by a dress that was too long for her, clutched the door. She wasn’t even as tall as the doorknob.
Who knew how long she’d been listening.
Without a second thought, Yan Xi walked over.
She’d had a good upbringing and couldn’t stand seeing children or the elderly suffer.
That little girl had a pair of dark, glistening eyes, pure and precociously intelligent.
The hand she held in her own felt like a small gummy candy, giving one the feeling that it had to be cherished and handled with the utmost care.
Yan Xi thought her own mentality and age were stuck at an awkward point. She was just past 21. Her personality was such that she didn’t dislike children, but she wasn’t particularly fond of them either. She also hadn’t reached an age of maturity where she could feel maternal toward any and every child.
Fortunately, her Dage3 had a pair of twin boys who were always making the sky and making the earth4—climbing the house and tearing off the tiles5 daily—which had given her a little insight into dealing with kids.
And that was… buy them food.
It wasn’t exactly a profound insight.
Especially when, after buying the little girl an ice cream bar, it wasn’t until later that she realized—slow on the uptake as she was—that maybe you shouldn’t give a child this young something frozen?
She hasn’t even lost her baby teeth yet, and it’s not like it’s the middle of summer where you’re so hot you have to eat ice cream. What if she gets diarrhea?
But it was clear the little girl was very happy. After tearing open the wrapper, she looked at the fish-shaped ice cream bar and let out a small “Wa!“, then took a curious bite, her eyes shining brightly.
Maybe she’s never had one before?
Her joyful expression made the unease Yan Xi felt about her “shouldn’t have bought a little girl ice cream” behavior vanish like smoke and scattered clouds.
She asked softly, “Is it good?”
The little girl’s cheeks were puffed out as she nodded her little head vigorously. After swallowing, she gave Yan Xi a bashful smile, a cute little dimple appearing on her right cheek. Then she started eating like a little hamster, her cheeks moving slightly with each bite, her lips getting smudged with chocolate.
Yan Xi’s eyes filled with a thick smile as she took out a tissue to wipe her mouth.
When asked about her age, the girl seemed a little unhappy. It seemed that no matter the age, women always have a bit of an emotional reaction when asked about it.
A little kid, just afraid that others will say she’s younger than she is.
Six years old, huh? She only looks like she’s a little over four. Does she know that the two adults in that room, her parents, are fighting over her custody? That neither of them wants her?
It seems like an incredibly cruel thing to an adult. Let’s hope she doesn’t understand, right?
Yan Xi’s gaze lingered for a moment on the little girl’s sleeves, which were rolled up several times, before she looked away.
With a soft sigh, she thought, Children are sensitive. How could she not understand?
The phone in her pocket vibrated a few times. Yan Xi had taken a half-day leave from the TV station today to come back to school and handle some departure procedures, and she’d also brought some forms for Tao Zhenzhen to fill out along the way. She never thought something like this would happen.
She should be heading back.
Forget it, I’ll just wait a little longer.
The little girl was secretly peeking at her. Yan Xi pretended not to see and silenced her phone.
She turned her head back, fiddling with her fingers, sitting there, perfectly quiet, a ball of innocence. As obedient as a little animal waiting to be claimed.
Suddenly, the little girl’s back straightened, and she hopped down from the chair.
Yan Xi glanced over from the corner of her eye. Tao Zhenzhen and Chen Muqi were walking over. Tao Zhenzhen’s face was set with determination, while Chen Muqi’s shoulders were slumped.
Looking at them, they’d probably come to an agreement. This scene, after all, was their family matter. Her being here was a bit awkward.
Yan Xi hesitated for a moment but ultimately didn’t say the words, “I’ll be going now.”
As they got closer, Tao Zhenzhen had a small backpack hanging from her arm. It was shaped like a rabbit, its two long ears dangling and swaying.
Anzhi’s face instantly turned white.
Yan Xi understood, too. She frowned.
Tao Zhenzhen took a deep breath and said to Chen Muqi, “…Let me say a few words to her.”
Chen Muqi tacitly agreed.
“Anzhi…”
Anzhi let her mother lead her away, thinking numbly: She’s finally holding my hand, but it comes at a price…
Tao Zhenzhen had let the words turn over and over in her mind like a car wheel6. She’d barely called out her name before her voice caught. She took a few deep breaths and decided to just be direct. “From now on, you’ll live with your father…”
The man standing a few steps away had a very unnatural expression on his face when he heard those two words. He gave a dry cough. This Tao Zhenzhen was really something else. When talking to the child, she had to use the words “your father,” without a thought for herself being “mother.”
Tao Zhenzhen bit her lip and was quiet for a few seconds. She took the backpack off her arm and knelt, about to put it on the girl.
Anzhi didn’t reach for it. Her little face was pale, and she felt like something was twisting and turning inside her heart, stabbing with a sharp pain. Her little mind was also a complete blank; she didn’t know what to say.
Is it because I don’t know enough words? a thought suddenly popped into her head. Then another one rolled out. I should be going to kindergarten. These thoughts began to snowball, one after another: But I can’t go to kindergarten anymore. Grandpa7 is dead. Dead means he’s never coming back. Grandpa isn’t coming back, so nobody wants me anymore.
The woman in front of her didn’t want her, and that man, her father, didn’t want her either.
An immense grief surged forward like a knife, cutting and stabbing at her young self, leaving her with no power to resist. And at that moment, Anzhi didn’t know that it would take her nearly half a lifetime to slowly soothe this pain.
The three adults around her were silent. Yan Xi quietly averted her gaze.
They were all waiting for the reaction a child ought to have, like throwing a tantrum or collapsing on the ground, wailing and crying.
There was none of that.
Tao Anzhi stood there for a long time. Then, like a marionette doll on strings, she stiffly and slowly took the backpack and put it on.
Her face was ashen pale.
Tao Zhenzhen finally couldn’t hold back. She reached out a trembling hand to touch her small shoulder and said, “I’m so sorry!” As soon as those words left her mouth, tears rolled down her cheeks one by one. She sobbed, “I wasn’t ready to be a mother…”
She murmured it again, “I’m still not ready…” as if to strengthen her own resolve.
“I just graduated. I fought so hard to get this spot to study abroad. This is my only chance… You know, Grandpa, my father, is gone, and I don’t have anyone else to rely on… Do you understand?”
“Anzhi, your father… Chen Muqi is different. He doesn’t have to work hard. He still has his parents, and his family is very rich. Raising you is no problem…”
Tao Zhenzhen trembled as she spoke. “Don’t worry, he’s your legal guardian now. You’re protected by the law. If he dares to abuse you… you can sue him…”
All her life, she’d wanted to leave that small village, to escape that poor, native family. It was like the bow had been drawn, and there was no turning back the arrow8. She had no other choice but to move forward.
Tao Zhenzhen said so much, but Tao Anzhi just kept her head down, her small hands clutching the backpack straps. She didn’t cry, didn’t speak. Instead, it was Tao Zhenzhen whose face was like pear blossoms bearing rain9, crying until she couldn’t control herself.
Yan Xi’s brows furrowed tightly. She wanted to speak but stopped again, letting out a soft sigh.
When the adult acts like a child, the child has no choice but to act like an adult.
Chen Muqi said impatiently, “Alright, stop crying. Didn’t you get everything you wanted? Now you’re the one acting all wronged. Don’t worry! I won’t abuse her.”
He was the one who felt wronged. He still didn’t know how he was going to explain this to his parents at home. He said irritably, “Are you done? If you’re done, let’s go… Stop pretending to have some deep mother-daughter affection…”
“Chen Muqi!”
He sneered. “Was I wrong? Fine… You say you’re going abroad to study. It won’t be more than three or four years, let’s even say five. After five years, when you’ve graduated and have a job, will you come back to get her? Do you dare say you will?”
Tao Zhenzhen froze.
Chen Muqi sneered again.
Tao Anzhi lifted her face to look at her.
Tao Zhenzhen couldn’t bear her gaze, nor could she say the words, “I’ll come back for you.”
The light in Tao Anzhi’s eyes dimmed, bit by bit.
Chen Muqi urged her, “Let’s go.”
Tao Anzhi suddenly took off the backpack, unzipped it, and pulled out a booklet. She opened it; it was filled with pages of photos. Her small hands flipped through them, took one out, and handed it to Tao Zhenzhen.
Tao Zhenzhen’s hand trembled as she accepted it.
She put the backpack on again, turned around, and followed behind Chen Muqi, shuffling away.
Tao Zhenzhen glanced at the photo and couldn’t help but cover her mouth and cry. It was her father holding Anzhi, both of them smiling brilliantly for the camera.
She cried so hard she could barely stand. Yan Xi, who had witnessed everything from the side, had to reach out and support her.
Yan Xi didn’t comfort her, nor did she offer an opinion. She even regretted a little why she’d chosen to take leave today. If she hadn’t taken leave, she wouldn’t have come back to the dorm, wouldn’t have seen the forms on Tao Zhenzhen’s desk, and wouldn’t have brought them over.
She wouldn’t have seen such an awkward, cruel scene.
She was an outsider; it wasn’t her place to place her beak10. The little girl’s tender figure, head bowed, followed step by step behind the adult. The pair of long ears on the little rabbit backpack on her back drooped, moving with her every step, then moving again.
A strand of hair blew over and blocked Yan Xi’s view. She raised a hand to brush it away.
Just then, the little girl up ahead suddenly stopped and gently turned to look back in their direction.
Yan Xi froze.
The little girl wasn’t looking back at her mother. She was looking at her.
The author has something to say:
To be continued tomorrow
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