For The Rest Of Our Life – Chapter 90

I want to kiss you

With her heart fluttering, Lin Xian couldn’t contain the desire brimming in her chest, seeming as though it was about to overflow. She reached out and held Xiao Wanqing’s chin, touching her cheek tenderly with her fingertips. She drew close to her, foreheads touching, breathing intertwined, and whispered her longing foolishly, “Auntie Xiao, I really want to kiss you.”

A blush rushed over Xiao Wanqing’s fair complexion momentarily. Her eyes, damp, flickered briefly, and she bit her red lip almost imperceptibly. Her voice was soft and tactful, restrained as she said, “Xianxian, some things… you’re still young…”

Lin Xian raised their touching foreheads, creating a small distance between them and Xiao Wanqing. She gazed into her attractive eyes, furrowed her eyebrows, and argued earnestly, “I am not young anymore, Auntie Xiao. In some countries, I’d be of age to marry. When my grandmother was my age, she was already betrothed to my grandfather.”

Xiao Wanqing was taken aback for a moment, replying with less certainty, “Xianxian, that’s different.”

Lin Xian asked with righteous indignation, “How is it different? It might be early to marry at this age in this era, but surely a kiss in a relationship isn’t too much to ask for, is it?”

Xiao Wanqing was at a loss for words.

She didn’t know how to tell Lin Xian that if it was falling in love with someone her own age, this age indeed wouldn’t be considered young. But, still, to someone of her age, Lin Xian really was too young. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to, it wasn’t that she didn’t long to be close to Lin Xian, but she just couldn’t overcome that barrier in her heart, couldn’t completely ignore the voice at the bottom of her heart scolding, “You are shamelessly seducing.”

She thought to herself, a kiss wouldn’t be too much, it was her own reluctance to be kissed that was too much. Her eyes shimmered with emotion as she weakly begged Lin Xian, “Xianxian, give me a little more time.”

Lin Xian saw the helplessness in Xiao Wanqing’s eyes and felt a pang of pain in her heart. Her expression softened, and she promised, “Okay, I’ll wait for you.” To lighten the mood, she even joked lightly, “I’m still down with a cold right now, I can’t pass it to you.”

The girl’s concessions and consideration moved Xiao Wanqing and filled her with sorrow. She couldn’t help but move closer and lift her head to kiss Lin Xian’s clear forehead, then looked at her steadily and said in a gentle voice, “Xianxian, I have something to tell you.”

Lin Xian felt Xiao Wanqing’s affection and treasuring of her. Her heart melted and she smiled, bending her eyes into a smile and said, “Okay.” She then pulled Xiao Wanqing up, sat her down next to her, turned her body slightly, and seriously waited to hear what she had to say next.

Unconsciously, Xiao Wanqing clenched her fist lightly, took a breath, and told Lin Xian of the decision she made after much turmoil while watching Lin Xian sleep in the hospital, “Xianxian, I promise you, I’m not leaving anymore, and I won’t run away. But, I also want you to promise me a few conditions, is that okay?”

Hearing this, Lin Xian frowned slightly, sensing Xiao Wanqing’s words were somewhat different from what she had expected. She took Xiao Wanqing’s half-clenched hand, kissed it gently on the back, then placed it on her own heart, gazing intensely at Xiao Wanqing and asked, “Before I agree to these conditions, can I ask you a question first?”

Xiao Wanqing blinked and softly answered, “Okay.”

“Have you agreed to be my girlfriend?” The girl’s voice shook a bit, revealing her nervousness and unease.

Xiao Wanqing felt both restless and embarrassed when she heard the words “girlfriend,” and her face flushed red to her ears. She bit her lip, lowered her eyes, and asked Lin Xian in a quiet voice, as if struggling for the last time, “What if I don’t agree?”

Lin Xian’s heart ached for a moment, and the brightness in her eyes dimmed instantly. However, after a short while, she tightened her grip on Xiao Wanqing’s hand that was on her chest, forced a smile, and declared loudly and firmly, “Then I will keep pursuing you until you agree, or until you don’t like me anymore.”

Xiao Wanqing’s heartbeat seemed to rise and fall rapidly along with Lin Xian’s, which she felt through the hand on her chest. The quick flow of blood warmed her whole body. She looked at the girl, who was smiling with effort yet so resolute, and finally gave up her last struggle, promising, “I agree.”

Lin Xian’s disheartened heart suddenly revived. She let out an excited “ah” sound, wrapped her arms around Xiao Wanqing’s slender body in a hug, and rubbed her small face on Xiao Wanqing’s shoulder like a little dog wagging its tail wildly, crying and laughing with a loss of composure, “Xiao Xiaowan, why are you so mean, making one so sad at one moment and then so happy the next?”

Her shoulders were damp, and so was her heart. Listening to Lin Xian’s soft complaints, Xiao Wanqing’s heart melted, and her lips curved into a gentle smile involuntarily. She lifted the girl’s face from her shoulder, gently wiped away her tears, playfully chided her by lightly pinching her reddened nose, and said affectionately, “You little devil, daring to call someone else bad.”

Lin Xian couldn’t bear to take her eyes off Xiao Wanqing, staring unblinkingly at the tender and gentle face she revealed to her. Lin Xian pouted, hummed and hawed, not daring to respond aloud.

Seeing her calm, Xiao Wanqing returned to the original topic, her expression turning serious. She earnestly said, “Xianxian, I hope you can agree to three conditions.”

“Go ahead.”

“First, I hope you can keep our relationship a secret from others for now, especially… especially from your family.” Thoughts of Zhou Qin, Lin Zhan, and Lin Xian’s grandparents triggered waves of guilt, a heavy feeling and self-loathing that suddenly made it hard for her to breathe. Ever since she indulged herself in responding to Lin Xian, she had been turning a blind eye to it, not daring to think or contemplate. She didn’t know how she would face them from now on. Like a despicable thief, she felt as if she stole something priceless from them, yet greedily hoping they’d discover it later.

Lin Xian always knew that Xiao Wanqing must have had considerations regarding her own family and understood that Xiao Wanqing must be scared to let them know about their relationship right now. Thus, she didn’t oppose Xiao Wanqing’s request to keep it a secret from her family for now. However, she couldn’t help but remind Xiao Wanqing, “They will find out eventually. I will convince them.” She planned to be with her for life; she would eventually tell her parents and have them accept and bless them.

Xiao Wanqing whispered, “But not now.”

Sensing her evasion, Lin Xian didn’t want to get stuck on this topic, sighed, and moved on: “Then, I think Manman and Sister Zhijin might have guessed about us already, can I not keep it a secret from them?”

When you’re young and in love, there’s always a desire to share the joy and sweetness with the whole world. Xiao Wanqing had been through that phase herself. She knew demanding Lin Xian to not tell anyone was too cruel and too much to ask. She was just scared that Lin Xian’s innocence and bravery could end up hurting her. She feared that Lin Xian, unaware and fearless, might announce her relationship and orientation too soon and face unwarranted malice and harm. Lin Xian hadn’t experienced it; she didn’t understand. Xiao Wanqing didn’t want, nor did she wish for Lin Xian to go through the hurt and anger she had faced.

Xiao Wanqing thought Lin Xian was still too young, too fragile to bear it. She should remain as if she had never met Xiao Wanqing, optimistic and brave. She shouldn’t have to pay such a heavy price for this fleeting happiness, for an impulse whose duration was uncertain.

“It’s okay for them,” Xiao Wanqing found it acceptable for those she trusted.

Lin Xian nodded to indicate she understood. She just considered Xiao Wanqing to be in the early stages, having many concerns and not yet able to let go. She comforted herself, thinking as Auntie Xiao had said, to give her a little time, and they could slowly fight for more later. For now, gripping her hand tightly was essential to prevent her from slipping away.

Xiao Wanqing continued, “The second point is, Lin Xian, be yourself, do what you want to do, walk the path you want to walk. Don’t let me influence you.” She emphasized this last sentence with particular earnestness.

“Being with you is what I want to do, the path I want to walk,” the girl declared openly and honestly without a second thought.

Xiao Wanqing knew Lin Xian couldn’t understand now, but it was okay as long as she remembered. She touched her hair, neither agreeing nor disagreeing with her response, and went on, “The third point is…”

She clenched her teeth, took a deep breath, and said with difficulty, “Lin Xian.” She called out very seriously, her eyes filled with a sorrow that Lin Xian couldn’t comprehend or discern, imploring her, “One day, if you decide to leave, tell me frankly. But, your regrets, please don’t tell me about them, okay?”

She knows she’s guilty and shameless, willing to face public condemnation and pangs of conscience for Lin Xian and their relationship. But what she fears she can’t endure is Lin Xian’s resentment and blame after her passion fades.

That would be a stab to the heart.

She might, perhaps, die from it.

Lin Xian’s normally relaxed eyebrows suddenly furrowed, her eyes filled with an indescribable pain, and she said in a hoarse voice, “You don’t trust me?”

“Auntie Xiao, that day will never come, it will never happen,” the girl’s voice was clear and touching.

Xiao Wanqing just looked at her and silently gave a bitter laugh. In her deep eyes, there was a heart-wrenching sadness and a sense of having endured much: “Lin Xian, every pair of true lovers, in the beginning, think they will be together forever and grow old together.” She stared into the space behind Lin Xian, as if seeing her own once naive past.

“I and she are different, we’re not like those people!” Lin Xian raised her voice firmly in rebuttal.

Who she was referring to was clear. Hasn’t everyone in the world thought they were different at some point? A flicker of pain crossed Xiao Wanqing’s eyes. But looking at Lin Xian’s inexperienced face, she couldn’t bear to say more. She forced a smile, comforting the girl, “Lin Xian, don’t overthink. Can you just promise and remember what I’m saying now?”

Lin Xian, seeing Xiao Wanqing’s desolation and sorrow, felt a mix of heartache, grievance, and a simmering anger. She resented, resented why she was born so late, why she only met Xiao Wanqing now, and why, why did she have to let someone who didn’t appreciate consume all of Xiao Wanqing’s courage.

But, it’s okay. It’s okay, Xiao Wanqing, let me prove it, prove that all your past bravery for love, all your disregard for everything else for love, was right.

Let me tell you, you were right.

You just haven’t met the right person.

You just, haven’t met me.

She reached out, put her arms around Xiao Wanqing’s shoulders, and held her tightly, whispering an apology in her ear: “I’m sorry, it’s my fault for being late, for letting you suffer so much alone.” Her tone was so caring, so emotional.

Xiao Wanqing’s heart trembled, and without reason, she felt wronged, and her eyes became sour and teary.

“I know that nothing I say now can truly ease your worries. Actions are always more convincing than words. Auntie Xiao, let time prove my heart. Thank you for giving me a chance.” Each word fell into Xiao Wanqing’s ears, engraved in her heart.

She hugged Lin Xian back, resting her chin on Lin Xian’s shoulder. For a moment, she felt as if, in the girl’s slender embrace, she found the security and sense of belonging that she had been missing for so long.

In this world, there was someone who cherished her above all else.

Someone who desperately needed her, who couldn’t be without her.

Someone who treasured and loved her so fervently.

This person was the one she held dear in her heart.

Tears slid unconsciously from the corners of Xiao Wanqing’s eyes.

Caught in her emotions, Xiao Wanqing suddenly felt a warm kiss on her cheek, followed by the soft and moist touch of a tongue lightly licking her cheek. Then, she heard Lin Xian murmur a proposition to her: “I really want to kiss you. Can I take a little interest first?”

Xiao Wanqing’s heart trembled at the lick, and she felt weak all over. Fearing Lin Xian might discover her fluster, she gently pushed Lin Xian away with a nasal voice and coquettishly scolded her, “Are you a puppy?”

Lin Xian’s bright eyes were full of mischievous laughter. Remembering their promise that whoever mentioned the memories of one proposing in their youth would be the ‘puppy’, she earnestly said, “Yes, I am a puppy. I want to be Lin, the puppy, for Xiao Wanqing all my life, so she won’t forget to marry me.”