For The Rest Of Our Life – Chapter 87

I give up

Xiao Wanqing was hung up on again, feeling both agitated and annoyed, with the tears spinning in her eyes, showing her sense of unfairness and urgency. She didn’t have time to be stunned, her body reacting faster than her brain, not bothering to change out of her pajamas. She hastily grabbed a long coat to throw on, snatched the car keys, slipped into the shoes by the entryway and dashed out the door, running recklessly outside.

At three in the morning, the streets were desolate. Xiao Wanqing, who hadn’t driven Wen Tong’s car in a long time, did so now, since getting her driver’s license. She drove carelessly, reaching the city roads’ maximum allowed speed, racing fast and furious on the deserted nighttime streets.

After Lin Xian hung up the phone, she threw up again, and then lay down limply, docilely letting Aunt Liu take her temperature, while listening to Aunt Liu’s continuous chatter beside her ear: “What to do, 39.6 degrees Celsius, alcohol… I’ll go get rubbing alcohol to cool you down.”

She felt as if her body had fallen apart, muscles sore and aching terribly, her head heavy too, and her eyes felt like they might burst. Yet, her consciousness was becoming sharper.

With great difficulty, she marshaled her body, which seemed to have disconnected from her will, propping herself up to sit, then moving her legs, placing them on the floor in an attempt to stand.

The next second, she felt like she was stepping on cotton, wobbling twice, and then falling to the ground, weightless on her knees.

Aunt Liu, hearing the noise, hurried in with the medicine box. Seeing the situation, she immediately dropped the box with a look of shock and rushed to Lin Xian’s side to help her up: “Why did you get down?! You, always causing a fuss!”

She always considered herself to be a patient person, but Lin Xian’s recent worrying behavior had really tried her patience, and her long-suppressed annoyance burst forth, making her speak harshly without meaning to.

Lin Xian wasn’t offended by the scolding. Supported by Aunt Liu, she slowly stood up, gradually finding her balance. She steadied herself and said apologetically and obediently, “I’m sorry for the trouble. I just wanted to go to the bathroom.” She… wanted to brush her teeth and rinse her mouth. It was just too bitter in there. Besides, she didn’t want to meet Aunt Xiao smelling like this.

Aunt Liu, holding her arm, let out a long sigh, a mix of exasperation and resignation, “Then let’s go, I’ll help you. Your aunt should be arriving soon.” You could say she’s mischievous and thoughtless, but sometimes, she’s also so gentle and polite that it makes you not bear to blame her.

Lin Xian commanded her disobedient legs, struggling to move to the bathroom. Only after leaving her room and feeling the normal temperature outside did she become more aware of the heat covering her body. Her eyelashes felt sticky with sweat, as if it might slide off. She wiped her eyes, reached out for the tooth cup to rinse her mouth; and when her teeth touched the cold water, she felt so comfortable she almost sighed, but then her body shivered uncontrollably.

The feeling of nausea surged back up.

She leaned on the sink, dry-heaving painfully for a long time until the discomfort slowly subsided, and then she gradually straightened her back. Tears caused by her body’s reaction wet her eyelashes again, sliding down from the corners of her eyes.

As she continued to move outward, she suddenly heard Aunt Liu’s relieved greeting from outside: “Oh, you’re finally back, just took her temperature, 39.6 degrees, we can’t delay…”

Lin Xian couldn’t make out the soft reply of the woman.

Summoning strength from who knows where, she lifted her feet and rushed towards the door, raising her hand to fling it open. The next moment, she finally saw the woman she had longed for day and night, in thought and in dreams, standing disheveled at the doorway, staring straight at her.

Auntie Xiao was no longer the picture of grace and poise she had been; her clothes were disarrayed, her hair a mess, her eyes red with emotion. But in Lin Xian’s eyes, in her heart, she remained just as beautiful and captivating.

With just a glance, Lin Xian read the heartache, anxiety, worry, and fear in Xiao Wanqing’s reddened eyes. The unexpressed physical discomfort and the inexplicable fragility and grievances she had been holding back suddenly overwhelmed her.

Tears fell in big drops.

Lin Xian took a step forward, letting go of all the strength she had mustered to keep herself upright and collapsed into that tender embrace. Her voice was hoarse, like a long-wandering puppy finally finding its comforting home, she murmured tenderly, “I’ve missed you so much.”

On the way here, the irritation born from nearly going crazy with panic and fear had disappeared the moment she saw Lin Xian. When Xiao Wanqing caught sight of Lin Xian’s pale, thin face — noticeably thinner after just a few days apart — with red eyes and purple lips, her own eyes filled with tears, her heart torn as if by knives. And when she heard Lin Xian’s hoarse yet affectionate “I’ve missed you so much,” she could no longer hold back her tears.

How could she bear to scold Lin Xian for foolish behavior now?

It wasn’t Lin Xian who had hurt herself; it was her, Xiao Wanqing.

She had never wanted to hurt Lin Xian, and yet, in the end, she was the one causing her pain bit by bit.

What should she do, what was the right thing to do?

Lin Xian felt Xiao Wanqing’s warm hands slowly tightening around her, and moist droplets fell onto her shoulder. It turns out that feeling your loved one share in your pain, hurting as you hurt, feels like this.

She was actually very afraid of pain, and terribly afraid of dying. She had feared that she might just pass away in the chilling cold, feared becoming senseless with a relentless fever, and feared contracting pneumonia or myocarditis, which might deprive her of a healthy body forever.

But what she feared most was losing Xiao Wanqing, never being able to find her again, as if separated by the ends of the earth.

She leaned into Xiao Wanqing’s embrace, crying and laughing as she felt her real presence.

At least for this moment, she felt she could die without regrets.

Xiao Wanqing quickly wiped her tears, wrapped Lin Xian in her arms, and coaxed her softly, “Xianxian, be good. I’ll take you to the hospital.” At the same time, she turned her face and asked Aunt Liu in a hoarse voice, “Aunt Liu, sorry to trouble you, can you help me get some fever medicine and water? And then, could you please run with us again? While I’m driving, could you help her by wiping her hands and feet with alcohol?”

Before Aunt Liu could respond, Lin Xian lifted her head and shook it at Xiao Wanqing. With the shake, she felt like vomiting again. But she fought it down and weakly refused, “Let Aunt Liu rest well.”

In the girl’s eyes, red and foggy like a rabbit’s, there was a stubborn persistence.

Xiao Wanqing was anxious and heartbroken but had no way to compel her. She asked Aunt Liu to fetch the fever medicine and, after Lin Xian had taken it, got Aunt Liu to prepare two partially dried wet towels for Lin Xian to use on the way. Afterward, Xiao Wanqing compromised and helped Lin Xian downstairs, half-supporting, half-hugging her.

In the elevator, Lin Xian leaned her head to the side and watched Xiao Wanqing’s pale and haggard face intently. She rested her chin on Xiao Wanqing’s shoulder, gently rubbed her cheek with her head, and nestled into her neck, whispering an apologetic “Sorry for making you worry.”

Xiao Wanqing looked down at the girl’s dark hair, sniffled from the sourness in her nose, and without realizing it, tightened her grasp around Lin Xian’s waist. With a nasal voice, tiredly she said, “Lin Xian, you haven’t wronged me, you’ve wronged yourself. Your body is your own. How can you treat yourself like this?”

Lin Xian responded with muffled grievance: “But it’s only like this, that you’d agree to see me, that you finally came to see me.”

Xiao Wanqing felt so much pain that it had become numbness. She didn’t dare look at Lin Xian, turned her gaze away to the descending floor numbers, and with difficulty yet calmly said: “Lin Xian, you’re still young, life is long. One day, you’ll find that the world is vast, and by simply turning around, you can meet countless others more suitable and deserving of you. When you reach my age, you’ll realize that everyone this age is just like me; there’s nothing special or extraordinary about me.”

She said: “Lin Xian, you’ll understand in the future, that I’m not indispensable to you.” These thoughts, pondered countless times within her, were not so painful to express aloud to Lin Xian. Her tone was unfluctuating.

In such an easy way, she downplayed and negated her own feelings, viewing what she cherished as a once-in-a-lifetime love as something so casual and indifferent. Lin Xian, listening to her calm yet cruel words, felt as if her heart was pierced into a sieve, her chest felt stuffy, and her head buzzed.

She lifted her head, glaring at Xiao Wanqing with a mix of anger, embarrassment, and sadness, about to speak out in contention when the elevator dinged and the doors opened.

Xiao Wanqing looked straight ahead, her throat catching for a moment. She stopped trying to console the girl, addressing the immediate concern, and changed the subject, saying, “Alright, let’s go.”

Unexpectedly, Lin Xian reached out to grab the handrail at the back of the elevator, anchoring herself in place, refusing to move.

The fever reducer seemed not to have taken effect yet. Xiao Wanqing, seeing the increasingly apparent flush on Lin Xian’s pale face and feeling the sticky sweat that clung to her from the girl’s arm, became frantic with worry. The emotions she had been suppressing reached a breaking point, and for the first time, she raised her voice in a cold rebuke: “Lin Xian, stop making trouble!”

Lin Xian struggled to free herself from Xiao Wanqing’s grip and left her embrace. Reliant on the handrail for all her strength, she asked woefully, “In your eyes, is everything I do just childish nonsense?”

Xiao Wanqing bit her lip, clenched her fists, and endured in silence, unwilling to answer.

Lin Xian seemed to become frantic, her body trembling uncontrollably.

Xiao Wanqing felt a mix of fear and heartache; she reached out to pull Lin Xian’s hand, wanting to rush her to the hospital. But Lin Xian turned away, biting her teeth in refusal.

Seeing Lin Xian’s unsteady figure, Xiao Wanqing finally broke down. Leaning against the elevator, tears streamed down her face, her eyes filled with pain and grievance as she choked out an accusation at Lin Xian: “Why, Lin Xian, why must you make things hard for me? Why, why must you push me to this…”

For the first time, Lin Xian saw Xiao Wanqing cry in front of her, so wronged, so distraught, so heart-rending. Her whole body ached, feeling like she might faint the next second. But still, she leaned against the wall, moved in front of Xiao Wanqing, and placed her hands on either side of her, supporting herself, enclosing Xiao Wanqing in her embrace. She bent down and, with burning lips, kissed Xiao Wanqing’s tearful eyes, murmuring just as aggrievedly, “I just want to love you.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t cry, it’s my fault.”

Bitter tears were on her lips. She didn’t know if they were Xiao Wanqing’s or her own. “You say the world is big, and I will meet many people later but, each one of them, they won’t be you.”

“You say I have a long life ahead, but I always think, maybe I’ll die tomorrow or the day after…” She hadn’t finished speaking when she was interrupted by Xiao Wanqing’s mournful and urgent plea: “Lin Xian, don’t talk like that…”

Lin Xian looked at the fragile Xiao Wanqing before her, who made her heartache and resent, and let out a sad, mocking laugh that turned into a cough. She quickly turned away her head, not wanting to face Xiao Wanqing. As she stepped back, she lost her balance and staggered.

The next moment, she fell into Xiao Wanqing’s arms again. It was Xiao Wanqing, scared that she might fall, who anxiously reached out, grabbed her, and anchored her in front of herself.

Lin Xian thought, this must be the last time.

She affectionately pressed her face against Xiao Wanqing, feeling the warmth of the person she loved. Tears slipped into Xiao Wanqing’s neck groove, wetting the path down to her chest, dampening not just her clothes but her heart.

“When you weren’t here, I was lying in bed, constantly thinking, if I were to die today, my biggest regret would surely be that the person I love doesn’t dare to love me.”

Every word struck to the heart. Xiao Wanqing’s silent tears flowed until she struggled to breathe.

Lin Xian apologizes sadly: “Sorry, I fell for you.” She pushes Xiao Wanqing away and staggers toward the elevator, pressing the open button. She speaks decisively, one word at a time: “Don’t trouble yourself. Go home, I give up.”

She steps out of the elevator and hears the merciless closing of the elevator doors sliding past the gap. The sound eventually fades, and finally, she loses all her strength, squats down, and collapses on the cold ground, hugging her knees, unable to cry out.

She thinks, let it be this way.

She has no energy left.

From now on, she will bury this unwanted heart.

She was crying so hard that she didn’t notice when the elevator doors opened again.

A pair of slender arms reached from behind, enveloping her entirely in an embrace. Tightly, as if trying to merge her into their body.

The woman, with cheeks warm and wet from tears, pressed against her equally moist cheeks, her voice hoarse from crying, accused in her ear, “Lin Xian, you started this first.”

LP: The age gap is still worrying but I’m glad that they won’t do this distance thing anymore. I’m still hoping they won’t do those things until Lin Xian is at least a bit more older.