Lin Xian, I won’t be returning tomorrow
When Lin Xian returned home in a sorry state, Aunt Liu was still awake, watching TV in the living room. Seeing Lin Xian limping in, covered in mud and unmistakable bloodstains on the elbow of her clothes, Aunt Liu was taken aback.
Although somewhat afraid of blood and prone to fainting, Aunt Liu panicked but quickly jumped up, taking three steps forward to meet Lin Xian. She grabbed Lin Xian’s intact left hand, scrutinizing her from head to toe, anxiously asking, “Xianxian, what happened to you?” Upon noticing the sizable scraped and bloodied ankle bone, Aunt Liu became visibly distressed, “Apart from your hand and foot, are you injured anywhere else? Oh dear, what happened? Did you fall? Should we go to the hospital?”
Lin Xian shrugged off her backpack onto the floor, then removed her thoroughly wet coat. Worried about dirtying the couch, she placed the coat on the glass coffee table. During the process of undressing, she inadvertently touched the injured areas, causing her to wince. Despite the pain, she managed a reassuring smile, comforting Aunt Liu, “Just took a fall while riding back, didn’t see the road properly. I’m fine, no need for the hospital.” She pulled out a small chair from under the coffee table, carefully assessing the overly heated pain points on her body. Afterward, she determined that the bleeding was only from her ankle and elbow.
Rolling up the sleeve of her shirt revealed a congealed connection of fabric and flesh, separating which made Lin Xian wince and emit a soft “hiss” sound. Her voice trembled as she requested Aunt Liu, “Auntie, could you fetch the first aid kit from the top shelf of that cabinet over there?”
Aunt Liu, seeing the extensive abrasion and bruising on Lin Xian’s elbow, felt a bit lightheaded and bewildered. Only after hearing Lin Xian’s request did she snap out of it, hastily responding, “Of course, of course, I’ll go right away.”
She swiftly retrieved the first aid kit and placed it on the coffee table. Seating herself on the sofa, Aunt Liu assisted Lin Xian in organizing alcohol and cotton swabs, placing them within easy reach for Lin Xian.
Lin Xian took a cotton swab, moistened it with alcohol, and began to wipe the blurred and bloody flesh on her elbow. Aunt Liu, unable to watch, quickly reminded her, “Xianxian, using alcohol will be very painful.”
Gritting her teeth, Lin Xian pressed the cotton swab onto the wound. Immediately, a wave of pain engulfed her, causing her entire body to tremble. Nevertheless, she endured the pain, diligently cleaning and disinfecting the wound with each careful movement. Responding to Aunt Liu with a nonchalant tone, she said, “It’s okay, I can bear it.”
Aunt Liu couldn’t bring herself to directly face the gruesome wound on Lin Xian. She hesitated to help clean the wound, watching Lin Xian’s face turn pale from the pain. Concerned, she exclaimed, “How could you be so careless? This is serious. Falling like this, if your aunt knew, she’d be heartbroken.”
Upon hearing the words “your aunt,” Lin Xian’s wound-cleaning actions momentarily paused. She thought of Xiao Wanqing, recalling how Xiao Wanqing, upon learning of her fall, hurriedly took her to see a doctor. She remembered the beginning of the year when Xiao Wanqing discovered a small cut on her finger, expressing deep concern and sadness. Thinking of Xiao Wanqing gently touching the area around her wound and blowing softly to ease her pain, Lin Xian, in contrast to the current moment of enduring pain alone, couldn’t help but feel a sudden tingling in her nose.
She pressed down with the cotton swab, and another wave of piercing pain surged through her.
How she wished… how she wished for Auntie Xiao.
Auntie Xiao would surely feel heartbroken.
She wanted her to feel that heartbreak, but at the same time, she didn’t want to cause her any distress.
If Auntie Xiao felt sad and worried, she would be happy, yet she would also feel the ache of Auntie Xiao’s concern.
She switched to another cotton swab and calmly said to Aunt Liu, “Aunt Liu, if my aunt calls you, please don’t tell her about this.”
Aunt Liu felt a bit uneasy, “Your aunt cares a lot about you. She usually calls me every two or three days to check on you. Not telling her? Is that okay?”
Upon hearing how Xiao Wanqing cared so much about her, Lin Xian’s heart softened, and a sweet feeling emerged. She shook her head and considerately said, “It’s alright. When she comes back, she’ll naturally notice, and I’ll talk to her then. Don’t tell her now; she… she tends to worry a lot. She’s been busy with work lately, so let’s not add to her concerns. ” Her tone unconsciously carried a sense of affection and indulgence. Aunt Liu sensed something a bit off but didn’t pay too much attention.
Concluding, Lin Xian pretended to be nonchalant, “See, I’m fine, nothing serious.”
Aunt Liu couldn’t help but sigh, “Xianxian, you’re really a good child. Your aunt didn’t raise you in vain.” She agreed, “Alright, I won’t tell her for now.” She chuckled playfully, “If your aunt gets mad at me for not informing her later…”
Lin Xian immediately smiled and continued, “No worries, I can handle everything. Whatever happens, just come to me.”
“Haha, you’re quite the child…” Aunt Liu chuckled, amused by her.
At 10:30 in the evening, Lin Xian leaned back on her bed, repeatedly flipping through the text messages exchanged with Xiao Wanqing over the past few days. Her fingers hovered over the input box, suspended in contemplation for a long while. In the end, she narrowed her eyes and typed only a few brief words, “Auntie Xiao, rest early, good night.”
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Over half an hour passed, and there was no reply from Xiao Wanqing.
Lin Xian stared straight at the ankle wound carefully exposed outside the blanket and lowered her gaze to the still shocking bruises and wounds on her arm. Thinking of Xiao Wanqing, who was completely unaware and seemingly indifferent, Lin Xian felt a bit stifled. It was a mix of feeling wronged and sad, a complex blend of emotions.
Although she had made the decision herself, deep down, she couldn’t help but yearn for the gentle comfort of Xiao Wanqing. Lin Xian secretly scolded herself: “Humans are truly complex and contradictory creatures.”
She impatiently turned off her phone and then switched off the lights. She lay down, hugging her small teddy bear with one hand, and took a deep breath.
It doesn’t have any scent at all! Next time, she should secretly put the teddy bear back on Auntie Xiao’s bed to absorb some fragrance! Oh, never mind, next time she can just hug Auntie Xiao directly!
Lin Xian felt a sense of contentment in her heart. She closed her eyes and imagined how worried and caring Xiao Wanqing would be if she found out about her injury. The pain seemed to slowly diminish. She thought that if Auntie Xiao were to kiss her, she would definitely stop feeling any pain.
She lifted her battered right arm and gently placed a light kiss on it. In her imagination, it was Xiao Wanqing kissing her.
Just consider it as Auntie Xiao owing her a kiss! She fell asleep with a smile on her face, sweetened by her own imagination.
In the following three days, Xiao Wanqing was indeed too busy to call her. Lin Xian sent her a goodnight message every night, and on the second day, Xiao Wanqing simply replied with a smiley face in the afternoon. However, for the next two nights, her messages went unanswered, disappearing into thin air.
Lin Xian felt a sense of disappointment and speculated that Auntie Xiao must be really, really busy. Every night, she looked at the crystal ball on her bedside table, eagerly counting the days until Xiao Wanqing’s return, comforting herself that it was alright, just endure for two more days, and Auntie Xiao would be back.
On Qingming Festival, Zhou Qin called Lin Xian to ask her to come home and pay respects to their ancestors. At the same time, she wanted to discuss Lin Xian’s accommodation for the next semester in case Xiao Wanqing was transferred elsewhere.
But Lin Xian remembered how clumsy she had been walking these past few days. She was afraid that if she went home, Zhou Qin would notice her injuries and forbid her from riding the little sheep, and she was even more afraid that Zhou Qin, with her sharp intuition, would discover that she had been working outside. So she made up an excuse, saying that she had caught a slight cold these past two days and wasn’t feeling well, so she wouldn’t go back.
Hearing Lin Xian’s tired voice, Zhou Qin couldn’t help but feel a pang of heartache. Her grandparents on both sides were still alive, and she was only going to pay respects to her great-grandparents. It would be fine if only the adults went. There was no need for Lin Xian to go. As for the issue of accommodation for the next semester, it didn’t need to be rushed. Zhou Qin didn’t think much about it and let Lin Xian off the hook. She only asked about her symptoms and if she had seen a doctor. She heard that Lin Xian had already gone, so she reminded her to take her medication properly, drink plenty of water, and eat more fruits.
Listening to her mother’s worried and caring voice, Lin Xian felt a bit embarrassed. She stuck out her tongue and playfully teased Zhou Qin for a while before finally getting through the conversation.
In a hotel in Hezhou, Xiao Wanqing was packing her luggage to return to Anjiang City. She had packed everything that needed to be packed, and her gaze gradually fell on the photo album that had been sitting on her bedside table for the past two weeks, unopened.
These past few days, Lin Xian no longer called her in the evenings. Everything was unfolding according to her expectations, but Xiao Wanqing couldn’t bring herself to be happy. In fact, her thoughts were in turmoil, weighing heavily on her mind, causing her to start experiencing sleepless nights again, unable to fall asleep without sleeping pills.
She dared not look at Lin Xian’s enchanting and radiant smile, afraid that her own rationality would be coerced by reluctance and tenderness. Rejecting Lin Xian, hurting her, letting her down, maybe even causing her despair—every time she thought about the possible tearful face of Lin Xian, Xiao Wanqing felt an unbearable pain that made it difficult for her to sleep.
Xiao Wanqing reached out heavily to pick up the photo album, but her hand trembled as the phone on the pillow vibrated violently. She grabbed only the hard card cover of the album, and the pages of the album slid down with a noisy sound.
A small red cloth bag, with the words “Lin Xian” written in black marker, suddenly dropped onto the brown hotel floor.
Xiao Wanqing stared at the object on the floor as if she had realized something, and her body stiffened. She slowly squatted down, picking up the unexpectedly appeared small cloth bag, and tremblingly poured out the contents of the bag—a light brown amulet.
The phone vibration finally stopped as if giving up hope, and an incoming call displayed three glaring words—Xiao Jia Huo (Little One).
Xiao Wanqing looked at the screen as it gradually darkened, looking at the three words “Xiao Jia Huo” slowly disappearing before her eyes. Her fingers gradually clenched, tightly holding the amulet in her hand.
Tears welled up in her eyes.
After a brief silence, the phone lit up again. It was a message from Lin Xian.
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With anticipation, she asked, “Aunt Xiao, are you coming back tomorrow? I’m on vacation, can I come pick you up? What would you like to eat? I’ve learned some dishes from Aunt Liu recently. I’ll try to make a feast for you, how about that?”
Xiao Wanqing’s tears couldn’t be restrained any longer and overflowed from her eyes, drop by drop, spilling onto the screen of the phone, blurring the heart-wrenching words.
Lin Xian, I’m not worth it.
I don’t deserve your devotion.
Not worth it.
After a long time, she wiped away her tears, washed her face with cold water in the bathroom, and returned Lin Xian’s call.
The girl seemed to have been waiting by the phone the whole time. The call was picked up after just a few seconds.
With a joyful and energetic voice, Lin Xian’s excitement immediately transmitted through the phone to Xiao Wanqing’s ears, “Auntie Xiao! Are you done with your work?”
Xiao Wanqing felt her heart race, beating rapidly and passionately upon hearing her beloved’s voice after such a long time. But the voice that came out of her throat was calm and restrained, “Yes, you’re still awake. I just saw your message after finishing my work.”
Lin Xian instantly burst into a light and cheerful laughter, speaking in a tender and soft tone, “I couldn’t sleep without waiting for your reply, Auntie Xiao.” Her voice carried obvious excitement and eager curiosity as she asked, “Auntie Xiao, what time is your flight tomorrow? Can I come pick you up at the airport? Unfortunately, I don’t know how to drive yet, so I can only take a taxi. But once I get my license in a while, I’ll…” She was impatient, not wanting to wait even a minute longer to see Xiao Wanqing, the person she yearned for day and night.
Xiao Wanqing’s breathing became somewhat unstable, her nose tingling. Her neatly trimmed short nails deeply embedded into her palms. She gritted her teeth, opened her mouth several times, but no sound came out. Finally, trembling, she called out Lin Xian’s name, interrupting her cheerful anticipation, “Lin… Lin Xian.”
Lin Xian obediently stopped talking, waiting in confusion for Xiao Wanqing to continue.
“Lin Xian, I’m not going back tomorrow. We’ve come to some new conclusions during the research, and I’ve met some potential partners here. The magazine has assigned me to directly continue working on the project in another city, and… I won’t be able to come back for now.”
Upon saying it, Xiao Wanqing heard the breathing on the other end of the phone suddenly become heavy.
She didn’t know how much time had passed, perhaps a few seconds, or maybe a long while, before Xiao Wanqing heard Lin Xian tremblingly ask her, “Then… then Auntie Xiao, how long will you be staying this time?” In her voice, there was a thick nasal tone, sounding muffled.
Xiao Wanqing listened and felt a dull ache in her chest.
“I can’t determine for sure at the moment. It might be at least two to three weeks.”
Lin Xian’s heart sank into the depths of darkness, unable to be salvaged any longer.
She wanted to say more, she wanted to ask Xiao Wanqing if she wouldn’t come back even during the May Day holiday. She wanted to ask if she could go visit her. Most of all, she wanted to ask Xiao Wanqing, what about your answer?
When will you give me your answer?
But Xiao Wanqing seemed to have some urgent matter and abruptly hung up the phone again, saying hurriedly, “Xianxian, my colleague has come to find me. If you have any questions, send me a text message, and I’ll reply later when I’m done with my work.”
Afterward, all that remained in her ears was the cold and detached busy tone…
Great joy and great sorrow, a great rise and a great fall.
Lin Xian held her phone in a daze, listening to the mechanical “beep beep” sound and the sound of her own heart, as the anticipation and joy within her slowly and cruelly died. After a long, long time, she softly responded to Xiao Wanqing, “Okay.”
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She opened the messaging app on her phone, her heart filled with countless words she wanted to express. It was as if she had a heart full of longing, unwillingness, and a surge of emotions that made her head swell. But after a long period of restraint, in the end, all she managed to type out, character by character, was a simple message in Pinyin, “I’ll wait for you to come back. Take care of yourself. Goodnight.”
She weakly let the phone slip from her hands onto her thigh, curling her knees up and hugging them. Suddenly, she couldn’t hold back anymore, and a mix of grievance, disappointment, unwillingness, anger, longing, unease, and heartache overwhelmed her, causing her to cry in a melodramatic manner, gasping for breath.
She didn’t want to and couldn’t blame Xiao Wanqing for breaking her promise. It was just work, just something that disrupted their plans. What could Xiao Wanqing do about it? She shouldn’t have so many negative emotions. She was an adult now, she needed to be patient, she shouldn’t be so delicate, she shouldn’t be crying. Lin Xian’s rationality urged her to stop, to calm down, but her body wouldn’t obey, and she couldn’t stop the surging tears.
She lowered her head and saw the scabbed wound on her ankle. Suddenly, she reached out and viciously tore it open. Blood immediately seeped out, pain piercing her heart…
Lin Xian finally allowed herself to cry freely.
She had tried so hard.
Now, it wasn’t because she was childish, or ignorant, or willful, or not considerate enough, or not mature enough.
It was because her wound hurt too much, and that’s why she was crying.
LP: I teared up :’ )
