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She silently locked eyes with her father, a nameless unease creeping into her heart, occupying her entire being. She anxiously dialed Xiao Wanqing’s phone number, impatiently praying for the call to connect.
Fortunately, the call connected quickly, and a woman’s gentle voice came through the phone, softly asking her, “Xianxian, have you finished the exam?”
Lin Xian felt relieved but choked up a bit, answering her with a nasal voice, “Yes, I’ve finished.”
“Did it go smoothly?”
“It went pretty well. I shouldn’t be dragging behind.” Despite being just a regular conversation like this, Lin Xian listened and felt like happiness was about to overflow.
“Wait for me for a few more days,” she promised softly.
“Okay…” the woman replied gently.
For the next week, life seemed to reach a temporary balance and tranquility. She needed Lin Zhan to drive her around and couldn’t meet Xiao Wanqing, but as Xiao Wanqing said, they could still freely communicate over the phone. She traveled between the school and the hospital daily, obeying Xiao Wanqing’s instructions, and tirelessly trying to communicate more with Zhou Qin. However, Zhou Qin always avoided the topic and would rush Lin Xian home to study whenever she was mentioned, but she didn’t explode in anger like before. Lin Xian optimistically comforted herself that there was some easing and change after all.
The last exam was in the afternoon. That day, before shutting down her phone and entering the exam room, she received a call from Xiao Wanqing.
Xiao Wanqing was sitting alone in the waiting room at the train station, looking at the two clay figurines she had taken from the center console of her own car, and calling out her name awkwardly: “Lin Xian…”
Lin Xian asked in surprise, “Pandan, what’s wrong? Why are you calling me at this time?”
Xiao Wanqing seemed to be silent for a moment on the other end of the phone, then chuckled and said softly, “It’s your last exam, right? I don’t know why, but I suddenly felt a bit nervous and wanted to hear your voice again to feel at ease.”
Lin Xian stood at the classroom door, smiling indulgently, and reassured her, “Don’t worry. I’ll finish my exam today, and my mom will be discharged from the hospital tomorrow. No matter what, at the latest the day after tomorrow, I’ll come back to be with you.”
“Lin Xian…” Xiao Wanqing hesitated and called out to her again, then after a few seconds of silence, she simply said, “It’s almost time, go take your exam, good luck.”
She hung up the phone, turned it off, removed the SIM card, and absentmindedly stared at the small card in her hand, motionless, until the staff ahead reminded her that the train was about to depart. She stood up, walked forward with heavy steps, stood by the trash can for a long time, and eventually released her grip, letting the small card fall from her palm.
Lin Xian finished the exam paper early and while checking it, the inexplicable phone call from Xiao Wanqing played repeatedly in her mind. Suddenly, a sense of unease flooded through her body once again.
She couldn’t sit still, disregarding the usual rule that papers could only be handed in half an hour before the end of the exam, she rushed to the front of the lecture hall, grabbed her bag, and hurriedly ran out.
As she ran, she took out her phone from her bag and dialed Xiao Wanqing’s number with trembling hands.
She dearly hoped that, like the last time she felt uneasy, the phone would connect quickly and Xiao Panpan’s pleasant voice would appear in her ear.
However, to her dismay, it didn’t happen this time. This time, there was no answer. Instead, a cold mechanical female voice responded, telling her, “Sorry, the number you have dialed is switched off.”
Lin Xian’s tears overflowed in an instant. Unwilling to believe, she dialed the number again immediately, but the only response she received was that same cold female voice.
She ran out of the teaching building. Lin Zhan had predicted that Lin Xian wouldn’t be able to come out this early, so he hadn’t arrived yet. She easily hailed a taxi at the school gate and headed towards Xiao Wanqing’s house.
Along the way, she dialed Xiao Wanqing’s phone numerous times, but each time, she was met with the unchanging automated response. Her heart grew more and more anxious and fearful.
Ignoring her bag, she rushed out of the taxi at the entrance of the residential area and ran back to Xiao Wanqing’s house. She called out Xiao Wanqing’s name all the way from the entrance, but by the end, she fell to her knees on the ground with no response from anyone.
Everything at home was almost normal, except for the absence of the photo of them by the bedside and Xiao Wanqing’s suitcase in the closet.
She’s gone…
Xiao Wanqing, this liar, has deceived her once again, leaving her behind and gone…
Lin Xian despaired as she faced this reality.
She gritted her teeth, leaned against the wall to climb up from the ground, took the car keys from the coffee table, and called Wen Tong while running outside.
Facing her inquiries, Wen Tong coldly and mercilessly told her: “Yes, she’s gone. I don’t know where she went. Don’t ask me. She left some things with me to give to you. Come get them when you have time. What can finding her achieve? Your mother has never respected her, never understood her, always pinned all the blame on her. What can you change? A slap from your mother in a fit of anger could perforate Xiao Wanqing’s eardrum, and in her cold moments, she could ruthlessly pierce her heart. In the heat of rage, will she ruin Xiao Wanqing’s reputation? I respect her choice and won’t look for her. Lin Xian, just give up and let her go.”
Lin Xian stood frozen in place, as if struck by lightning, her brain buzzing. What did Wen Tong say? Did she say that Panpan’s eardrum was perforated?
After speaking, Wen Tong felt ashamed. Xiao Wanqing had entrusted her to take care of Lin Xian, to watch over her and prevent her from doing anything rash, so what was she doing?
She had just begun to offer more comforting words to Lin Xian, urging her not to act impulsively, when Lin Xian hung up the phone. Upon trying to call back, Lin Xian didn’t answer.
Everyone was deceiving her, no one was helping her, no one was empathizing with her or understanding how much she loves Xiao Panpan. Perhaps even Xiao Panpan herself didn’t know.
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She was all alone now.
Lin Xian wiped away her tears sadly.
She started Xiao Wanqing’s car and drove towards the airport, allowing Wen Tong, Lin Zhan, Zhou Qin, Chen Zhi, and Tang Mo’s calls to keep coming in one after another. The phone rang until her phone ran out of battery and shut down, with no response.
She practically searched the airport from top to bottom, but couldn’t see that figure she was longing for. Despite knowing that hope was slim, she still hurriedly drove towards the train station.
As she had expected, she returned empty-handed. Feeling desolate as she descended the stairs, she miscalculated a step and tumbled down from the high staircase, landing with a head injury and bleeding.
But there was no Xiao Panpan, who would have felt heartache for her even if she hurt her butt. Disregarding the well-meaning onlookers around her, she climbed up as if nothing had happened, pushed through the crowd, and walked straight out.
She ached all over and walked with a trembling she wasn’t even aware of. In her groggy mind, there was only one obsession – to find Xiao Panpan, to bring her back, to tell her not to leave.
There was no other way, so she forcefully gathered herself and drove back to Xiehe Hospital.
As soon as she stepped into the hospital, everyone looked at her with shock in their eyes. She walked towards her goal without noticing anything, heading towards the ward where Zhou Qin was.
Inside the ward, only Zhou Qin was there as Lin Zhan had gone to find Lin Xian.
Upon seeing Lin Xian covered in blood, Zhou Qin panicked and exclaimed, “Xianxian, what happened to you?! Where did you go? Doctor, Doctor!” She got off the bed, trying to approach Lin Xian, but Lin Xian suddenly took a step back.
Her eyelashes were wet with the dried blood, making it difficult for her to open her eyes. Squinting, standing in the shadows, she asked Zhou Qin in a low voice, “Mom, where did Panpan go?”
“Lin Xian, I don’t know. Go see a doctor first,” Zhou Qin’s heart was only filled with concern for Lin Xian’s injuries, ignoring her questions and anxiously trying to reach out to Lin Xian.
A strong sense of despair rose in Lin Xian’s heart. She wouldn’t compromise anymore. Her mother wouldn’t compromise, so she shouldn’t have listened and yielded. How could she be so foolish? She took a step back, and out of the corner of her eye, she saw a fruit knife in a fruit basket on the TV cabinet. Suddenly, she grabbed it and pressed it against her own arm.
Zhou Qin froze in shock, shouting, “Lin Xian, what are you doing?”
Lin Xian shook her head, clearing her consciousness, and with her last bit of strength, she stared at Zhou Qin without changing her expression, then cut a long gash on her delicate arm.
Blood, following her actions, rushed out urgently and dropped to the ground.
“Mom, where did Panpan go?” she asked again.
Zhou Qin was trembling all over, instinctively trying to take the knife from Lin Xian’s hand. However, Lin Xian anticipated this and stopped her, saying, “Mom, don’t come closer, don’t force me.”
“Lin Xian, put down the knife, let’s talk things through calmly,” Zhou Qin, scared of provoking Lin Xian, stayed still and started crying in panic.
“I shouldn’t have believed her when she said we should stay calm and talk things out. You never intended to talk things out with us. She’s already gone, what else is there to say?” Lin Xian’s tone carried regret, but the grogginess in her mind and the pain in her body made her unusually calm.
She made another cut on her arm, feeling a bit more alert due to the pain. She stubbornly pressed Zhou Qin for answers, “Mom, just tell me now, where did she go?”
Zhou Qin looked at her daughter covered in blood and completely fell apart, speaking incoherently, “I don’t know, Xianxian, I really don’t know where she went. Put down the knife, and let’s go find her together, let’s search for her together, okay?”
Outside the ward, the commotion had attracted a crowd of onlookers, but no one dared to approach Lin Xian with the knife in her hand.
Zhou Qin held Lin Xian’s full attention, while two tall male doctors quietly approached Lin Xian from behind. When Lin Xian was off guard, one of them forcefully grabbed her hands, while the other swiftly took the small knife from her hand.
Lin Xian realized what was happening and struggled with all her might, but it was futile. Unable to break free, as if she knew she was defeated, she lost her composure and began crying uncontrollably, “Mom, tell me where she went, Mom, how could you be so heartless…”
In just a few seconds, before the nurse could administer the sedative, Lin Xian had already fainted on her own.
Zhou Qin took two Jiuxin pills (medicine for chronic chest pain) and sat collapsed outside the emergency room, staring blankly at the blood on her hands from Lin Xian.
Just now, was that frenzied girl really her always obedient and sensible daughter? Who was really at fault between them?
How did things escalate to this point? Who was really pushing whom?
Lin Xian had many abrasions on her body, the most severe being the wound on her head, which required eight stitches. There were initial suspicions of a possible concussion. Currently, she was too weak and emotionally overwhelmed, causing her to pass out.
At two o’clock in the early morning, Lin Xian suddenly woke up without warning.
Lin Zhan sat by her side keeping vigil, staring fixedly at the bandaged cut on Lin Xian’s arm, his gaze even darker than the night.
“Dad,” the girl suddenly struggled to speak, hoarsely calling out to him.
“You’re awake,” Lin Zhan exclaimed in surprise. He approached her and gently asked, “Are you thirsty? Do you want some water?”
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Lin Xian gently shook her head, feeling the pain in her head. She stopped moving and replied, “No, I’m fine.” She paused, then asked him seriously, word by word, “Dad, I’ll ask you one last time, do you really not know where she went?”
Lin Zhan stopped pouring water, remained silent for a moment, and confessed, “Xianxian, we really don’t know where she went. Your mom and I just wanted her to break up with you, we had an agreement with her to stabilize you, make sure you eat well, focus on studying, and we didn’t ask her to leave Anjiang City. This was also a surprise for both your mom and me.”
“She knows me too well. As long as she’s still in Anjiang City, how could I agree to break up with her?” Lin Xian murmured sadly, her heart aching, “So, did I actually force her to leave?”
But if she knew how determined Lin Xian was, Xiao Panpan should have known that rather than letting her wander alone in a strange city, she would rather endure the injustice and watch her be happy from a distance.
She struggled to sit up, knelt on the edge of the hospital bed, and bowed down, kowtowing towards Lin Zhan three times.
She said, “Dad, the first kowtow is to thank you and Mom for taking care of me all these years. The secondkowtow is to apologize for the scare I caused you and Mom yesterday. The third kowtow is to ask for your understanding. In the future, I cannot heed your advice and will continue down this path stubbornly.”
Having witnessed Lin Xian’s determination and madness, Lin Zhan could no longer treat her feelings as a childish game. After a moment of silence, he asked her, “Lin Xian, do you have any regrets?”
“I won’t.”
“Then go your own way, your mom is here, I will take care of her, I will communicate with her. Lin Xian, I have only one condition, in the future, don’t play with your own body like a joke.”
Lin Xian closed her eyes in bitterness and agreed, “Thank you, Dad. I promise you, I believe this was also her only request to me when she left.”
Thinking of the missing Xiao Wanqing, Lin Zhan couldn’t help but sigh deeply. Who was right, who owed whom, it seemed impossible to clarify anymore.
In 2013, was a turning point in Lin Xian’s life. That year, her lover, Xiao Wanqing, disappeared without a word. After being discharged from the hospital, she found out a few days ago that her good friend, Shi Man, had gone abroad to study, and since then, there had been no news from her.
The occurrence of a huge change was just a moment, but the pain and regrets it left behind seemed to be endless.
The relationship between Lin Xian and Zhou Qin could never go back to the way it was. Between mother and daughter, it felt like there was a perpetual barrier, preventing them from reaching each other’s hearts. After being discharged from the hospital, Lin Xian visited Wen Tong’s house, where she obtained the bank card, property certificate, and other documents left to her by Xiao Wanqing. Holding onto these things, she cried all the way back in her car. She completely moved out of her parents’ house and returned to Xiao Wanqing’s house. Despite facing difficulties and being destitute, she never used the bank card left by Xiao Wanqing or accepted any financial assistance from her parents and lived independently.
In 2014, Lin Xian, who had been silent for a long time, under the pen name “Jiupan Junci (Longing for your return),” published her first long novel, guided by Xiao Wanqing, online. Through the spontaneous recommendation of several influential bloggers, she gained fame overnight. She deposited all her earnings into the bank card that she had handed over to Xiao Wanqing that year, which Xiao Wanqing had left to her through Wen Tong.
She had been thinking about where Xiao Wanqing might have gone or what profession she might be in. Several times, she went to Yiping, where Xiao Wanqing was most likely to have gone, walked through the streets and alleys they had visited together, trying to find some traces of Xiao Wanqing’s presence, but ultimately found nothing. Behind the scenes, Lin Zhan had also been asking people to help find Xiao Wanqing, but the vast sea of people yielded no clues.
As she gained some fame, she changed her Weibo profile to one line: “I’m waiting for you to come back. If you don’t come, I won’t marry.”
She hoped that one day, Xiao Wanqing could see her, could pity her, and could come back to see her.
In 2015, at half past two in the morning, a major earthquake struck Anjiang City. At three o’clock, Lin Xian, barefoot, was searching for a phone signal in the crowded school playground, when suddenly she received a call from an unknown number. The other end of the line was silent.
Despite the chaos in the playground, Lin Xian felt like the whole world had suddenly become quiet, with only the faint sound of breathing by her ears. As if sensing something, she suddenly choked up and said, “Panpan? I’m fine, don’t worry about me.”
She heard the breathing on the phone suddenly become heavy and frantic, and then, a few seconds later, the call was disconnected.
Lin Xian looked up, and the sky started drizzling. She touched her face, which was now covered with water marks.
In 2016, she sold the film and television rights of two books, as usual, sent some money to her parents, and remained silent after hearing her father’s tactful mention that her mother missed her, still not agreeing to go back.
Since that call from last year, she had confirmed that Xiao Wanqing was in Yiping. However, she had lost count of how many times she had received leads with hope and set off on the journey to search for her wife, only to return home alone in increasing despair.
Yan Yuhuan came to the Southern District to find her. She took Yan Yuhuan to Xiangnan Road, walking from one end of the street to the other end of the alley, watching the young couples in front enjoying ice cream and emitting white breath, suddenly remembering the woman with gentle eyes that year. How her eyelashes fluttered, her red lips slightly parted, in the mist, her beauty was captivating, taking away her youthful heart and soul.
She looked up at the bright moon in the sky and suddenly tears streamed down her face.
The moonlight tonight is truly beautiful. Xiao Panpan, are you listening?
In 2017, she graduated from graduate school and started full-time writing. At the end of the year, she received a lead and went to Yiping again to search for Xiao Wanqing. On the way in a taxi, there was a rear-end collision on the highway.
Before losing consciousness, what appeared in her mind was something from a long, long time ago.
It was the year she was eight years old, wearing a little dress, she said in a childish voice to Xiao Wanqing, “Auntie, I want to marry you.” Xiao Wanqing gently rubbed her nose and smiled, promising, “Okay, we’ll talk about it when you grow up.”
Liar…
Will I never see that day…
In 2018, due to a car accident, she broke two ribs, miraculously survived, and rested at home. For five years, it was the first time that the mother and daughter had a breakthrough. Zhou Qin brought bone soup and entered Xiao Wanqing’s house, talking to her about Xiao Wanqing.
As she left, she closed the door and left a sentence: “I have someone looking into it as well.”
In an instant, Lin Xian’s eyes turned red, not knowing if the bitterness in her heart was due to grievance or joy. Xiao Panpan, look, is it worth it for just this sentence?
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Not worth it, not worth it at all.
The old music player finally broke down due to its age. Lin Xian spent a lot of effort and finally managed to find a machine that was exactly the same.
She cleaned up the TV cabinet, organized the discs that Xiao Wanqing had collected, and looked at the words of “The Garden of Words” by Makoto Shinkai, remaining silent for a long time.
After a long time, she set it aside and took out another one, “5 Centimeters Per Second,” and placed it into the player.
Many years later, former lovers Takaki and Akari passed each other on the street. Takaki turned back, waiting for the long train to pass, hoping to see Akari looking back as well.
As the train finally passed, Takaki stood staring across the platform for a long time, only to find it empty, completely deserted.
Lin Xian lowered her head, absentmindedly touching the now slightly blurry handwriting left by Xiao Wanqing on the cover of the disc, suddenly unable to hold back her tears.
“To share the bitterness of life is not as good as forgetting each other in the world,” wrote Xiao Wanqing.
Have you ever understood a poem because of someone?
At first, I thought the sea was not deep, but resentment is as unreliable as the tides.
That year, when she watched “A Chinese Odyssey” with Xiao Wanqing, she saw tears fall when the song “Love of a Lifetime” played at the end. She didn’t understand those tears at the time, but over the years, she gradually came to realize.
Have you already forgotten about me?
Xiao Wanqing.