Lin Xian, I love you
“Xiao Panpan, have I left you to struggle alone for a long time?”
Xiao Wanqing was slightly taken aback upon hearing this. She gently moved the girl to sit on her lap while keenly asking, “Xianxian, what’s wrong?”
The girl, with her arms around her neck and sitting on her legs, looked up at her with big eyes filled with an unusual sorrow and gloom. Xiao Wanqing, seeing this, felt a pang of heartache. She kissed Lin Xian’s nose tip, consoling her, “No, how could I feel lonely with you by my side? Why would you suddenly think this?”
Lin Xian gazed at the tender face of her lover, her dim eyes regaining a bit of sparkle. She affectionately tightened her embrace around Xiao Wanqing’s neck, and leaning on Xiao Wanqing’s shoulder, she mumbled, “I just suddenly feel that I used to be so young, so naive, so self-righteous. I did not understand how to empathize with you or understand you, letting you struggle alone for so long.” She had no intention of telling Xiao Wanqing about the things at school. Panpan was thoughtful; she feared that she might start overthinking again and take on responsibility and stress, adding to her worries.
“Xianxian, you are still young now. But in my heart, you have already done very well, deserving ninety-nine points,” Xiao Wanqing said as she rubbed her cheek against Lin Xian’s head.
“Eh? Why isn’t it a hundred percent?” Lin Xian suddenly perked up, sitting up straight and asked with surprise.
Xiao Wanqing laughed lightly, teasingly flicked her nose, and amusingly said, “You just felt that you weren’t good enough before, how come you now feel you deserve a hundred percent?”
“The point deducted,” Xiao Wanqing stared into Lin Xian’s eyes, under her unwavering gaze, moved closer to her ear, whispering with a laugh and warmth, “is because I was afraid to show too much of how much I liked you, the bit of reservedness I kept.”
This frank exposure wasn’t her style, but she truly wanted Lin Xian to know she had already done very well. She wanted to learn from Lin Xian, to express a bit more; wanted to, like how Lin Xian was with her, cheer her up a bit more when Lin Xian felt sad.
As the words left her, a shy blush appeared on Xiao Wanqing’s face.
Lin Xian felt her heartbeat accelerate suddenly with Xiao Wanqing’s words. She swallowed, unable to help herself from turning her head, and her kiss slid from Xiao Wanqing’s cheek to her lips.
However, just as she tenderly licked her lips, Xiao Wanqing playfully leaned back and withdrew. The woman charmingly flicked the hair that had fallen over her face, blinked, and said with gentle eyes, “So, Xianxian, you haven’t told me yet, why did you feel so impulsive today?”
Unable to kiss her, Lin Xian could only purse her lips in longing, and with a helpless smile, leaned her forehead against Xiao Wanqing’s, saying, “Maybe it’s because I got my period today, my emotions have been more volatile, inadvertently becoming more sentimental.”
Xiao Wanqing did not expect this answer. As if thinking of something, she couldn’t help but let out a laugh.
“Why are you laughing?”
Xiao Wanqing raised her hand to tidy up Lin Xian’s fringed bangs, her eyes carrying a hint of nostalgia, and softly replied, “I was just remembering the first time we went to the supermarket together. Back then, Lin Xiaoxian was so shy about buying sanitary pads, and now, she can talk about it so openly.”
Thinking back, Lin Xian also felt a bit emotional. It had been just a year, but it felt like a lifetime had passed. The 17-year-old her and the soon-to-be 19-year-old her had undergone a complete transformation, with a totally different mentality.
She curved her lips into a smile and suddenly pecked on Xiao Wanqing’s lips, her eyes warm as she responded, “Because, I have you now.”
“Xiao Panpan, the little kid who used to hide behind you seeking your protection has grown up. Eventually, she will grow into a lush tree that can shield you from the wind and rain. You can empathize with her, but you should also treat her like you would any other lover, trust her, rely on her, and even demand of her. Don’t bear everything on your own and make it too hard for yourself, okay?” Lin Xian’s gaze was gentle and firm as she promised.
The hand Xiao Wanqing had around Lin Xian’s waist tightened gradually, her eyes seemed to ripple like a clear spring, filled with tenderness and profound affection. After a moment, her eyes slightly reddened, yet her eyes’ corners were touched with a smile, she replied in a deep voice to Lin Xian, “Xianxian, can I give you one hundred and one points, is that okay?”
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“What’s with the extra point?”
“It’s because I like you too much, my selfishness,” replied Xiao Wanqing as she lowered her gaze and spoke softly. She wasn’t talking about an ordinary lover; her Lin Xian was anything but ordinary.
It was a little past ten when Xiao Wanqing had finished showering and was blow-drying her hair. Lin Xian hadn’t come out from the bathroom yet.
On the bedside table, Lin Xian’s phone suddenly started to vibrate rapidly, the screen flashing with the words “Shi Man.”
Without hesitation, Xiao Wanqing put down the hair dryer, grabbed the phone, and walked towards Lin Xian’s bathroom. She gently knocked on the door, informing Lin Xian, “Xianxian, have you finished showering yet? Manman is calling you.”
“My hair is still covered in shampoo, is it still ringing? Can you take the call for me?” The girl’s voice came muffled from inside the room through the door.
“Okay.” Xiao Wanqing agreed. She had just swiped the screen to answer the call, but it was automatically hung up due to the ringtone timing out.
There was a notification for a missed call with an automatic text reply option. Xiao Wanqing was about to reluctantly help Lin Xian reply with a message saying, “I’m taking a shower, will get back to you later,” when a WeChat notification popped up on her screen even quicker.
It was Shi Man.
The message from Shi Man wasn’t fully displayed, but Xiao Wanqing could only see it said: “Xianxian, I know who the jerk is behind your back.”
Xiao Wanqing’s heart thudded at those words. The information they contained was startling.
Her eyebrows slowly furrowed as she recalled the dejection in Lin Xian’s demeanor upon her return. It wasn’t hard to deduce that something upsetting must have happened today that Lin Xian hadn’t shared with her.
She was incredibly tempted to open the numerous messages from Shi Man, eager to understand the whole story. However, she restrained herself with reason. This was Lin Xian’s privacy, and she had no right to pry without Lin Xian’s knowledge.
She locked her phone screen and said to Lin Xian, “The call ended automatically. Shi Man switched to sending you WeChat messages. You can reply to her after you’re done showering, okay?”
“Okay, I’ll be done soon.” The girl responded cheerily. Yet, Xiao Wanqing’s heart slowly sank.
When Lin Xian returned to the bedroom, Xiao Wanqing was leaning against the bed reading a book. Seeing Lin Xian enter, her page-turning motion paused slightly. The next second, she pursed her lips, closed the book, and unconsciously clasped her hands together. She turned her head, her eyes deeply gazing at the girl as she lifted the covers and climbed into bed.
“Xianxian, when Manman sent you a message just now, the popup automatically appeared, and I saw a bit of it,” Xiao Wanqing confessed.
Lin Xian smiled nonchalantly: “It’s okay. Silly, there’s nothing about me you can’t see.”
Xiao Wanqing slightly lowered her gaze and continued, “I saw that she said she knows who has been scheming against you behind your back.”
Lin Xian’s previously light expression suddenly changed.
Xiao Wanqing knew her guess might be right, and her heart sank even more. She clasped Lin Xian’s slender, fair fingers with her own, their fingers intertwined, and pleaded in a low, sincere tone, “Xianxian, can you tell me what happened?”
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Lin Xian furrowed her brows, biting her lip as she looked at Xiao Wanqing with some hesitation. After a moment, she took a deep breath, leaned in to kiss Xiao Wanqing, and softly requested, “First, promise me that after I tell you, you won’t overthink it, okay?”
Xiao Wanqing blinked and earnestly promised, “Okay.”
Lin Xian then simply shared with her, “Actually, it’s nothing serious. Remember the regular meeting before the holiday? Today, the counselor suddenly talked to me, saying that a classmate accused me of having an improper behavior, and I shouldn’t be recognized by the party organization. I went to explain a bit. Then Manman probably helped me find out who that snitch was.”
“Improper behavior?” Xiao Wanqing and Lin Xian were equally baffled when they first heard this term. She could hardly associate this term with her Lin Xian.
Lin Xian didn’t want to deceive Xiao Wanqing but was also afraid that this matter would bring unnecessary harm and pressure to Xiao Wanqing. She furrowed her brows, hesitated for a long while, and then gently said, “It seems like the other party knows I like girls, but they don’t know that it’s you I like. They told the counselor that my liking girls is an improper behavior.”
Xiao Wanqing’s face turned pale in an instant, all color draining away. The whispers and finger-pointing from those uncomprehending people in the past flashed incessantly in her mind, echoing repeatedly in her ears. She remembered the opportunities, honors, and even the esteem from classmates, friends, and relatives that she lost because of this.
Xiao Wanqing’s voice trembled noticeably as she asked Lin Xian, “Xianxian, did you… admit it?” No, Lin Xian, don’t be impulsive, don’t admit it. Those nightmares, they can’t happen to her Lin Xian. Lin Xian, you must not walk down those paths she had trodden.
“I didn’t admit it,” Xiao Wanqing barely let out a sigh of relief when Lin Xian then continued with a wry smile, “But I didn’t deny it either.”
“Lin Xian…” Xiao Wanqing called her name in panic.
“Xiao Panpan, I will never deny our feelings,” Lin Xian said, wrapping her arms around the worried and beautiful woman, firmly.
Lin Xian was too naive, too brave, too much like her younger self. Xiao Wanqing pressed against the girl’s warm chest, feeling panic, helplessness, and heartache filling her heart, triggering her tears to fall uncontrollably.
“Xianxian, it’s me who failed to protect you,” the woman choked with self-reproach.
“Xiao Panpan, you promised me not to overthink. How is this related to you?” Lin Xian gently wiped her tears away, feeling distressed.
She said, “Panpan, if anyone should feel guilty, it should be me. Today, I realized how naive and presumptuous I was before, making you bear such a great pressure alone. I always said I’d protect you, but I was always naively taking comfort in your shelter.”
“Actually, this incident might be a good thing. At least, it made me realize a few things and understand how to love you better and protect you better.”
“Lin Xian, I don’t need your protection; I just want you to protect yourself,” Xiao Wanqing said guiltily, caressing Lin Xian’s still youthful face. Lin Xian was not even 20 years old; these were not concerns she should be burdened with at her age.
Xiao Wanqing was scared, truly frightened. Today, a classmate could report Lin Xian to the counselor; what about tomorrow, the day after? When might this classmate spread the word? In Jingnan, there naturally are enlightened teachers and classmates, but there are also narrow-minded, stubborn individuals. How could she protect Lin Xian, ensure that her future, their relationship, wouldn’t affect Lin Xian?
“Xianxian, consider studying abroad,” she finally voiced out the suggestion she had been holding back, unwilling to admit for a long time.
Lin Xian liked girls, after all, and the overall environment overseas is certainly better than domestically. Looking long-term, going abroad is the best path, whether for Lin Xian’s professional development or for her future emotional life.
Xiao Wanqing’s throat tightened, and she promised, “Xianxian, go on the path you need to follow. I will always be here waiting for you to come back, or, if you don’t return, when the time is right, I can come to find you.” If, by then, you still need me. She sadly added in her heart.
However, Lin Xian caressed her cheek and shook her head, saying, “I won’t go. Xiao Panpan, there’s only one path for me in life, and that’s towards you.”
“Panpan, if I tell you that I’m not particularly ambitious or driven, would you despise me? Going abroad was a path planned by my parents, never the one I truly wanted or should take. Even if one day we decide to go abroad, that will be because you want to, and we will go together. Wherever you are, that’s home, and I’ll be there.” Going abroad was entirely unfair to Xiao Wanqing; she didn’t want and couldn’t let Xiao Wanqing give up everything in China to start from scratch abroad.
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Wherever you are, that’s home, and I’ll be there. In an instant, tears surged from Xiao Wanqing’s eyes, her throat painfully tight.
“But Xianxian, it will be very hard, very tiring,” Xiao Wanqing said, biting her lower lip, her eyes red, her voice trembling.
“Studying can be exhausting, and working is even more so. In life, pursuing anything will involve some hardship. But when you achieve the results you want, all the tiredness will disappear, leaving only satisfaction and happiness. That’s why we tirelessly pursue. Xiao Panpan, I’m not tired at all. Loving you and being with you is my greatest pursuit. As long as you love me and are with me, my satisfaction and happiness will outweigh everything.”
Xiao Wanqing was moved.
“Panpan, I’ve thought it through. I’ll quit the tutoring job in two weeks once they find someone to take over. I’ve also thought about what Aunt Wen said last time; I’m not going abroad, but there will be certain limitations for undergraduate employment. So, Panpan, would you mind waiting for me for two more years? My current grades are good enough, and I’ll work harder next year to aim for a master’s direct access program, so I can stay either in Jingnan or Nancai. It’s like making preparations on both fronts. For the side business, I’ll pick up my writing again, continue submitting short stories to magazines, and try writing a novel. If I can build a name as a writer, there should be some prospects. As for convincing my parents, I’ll start sending signals now and gradually work on it. I’ll try my best to gain financial independence from my parents earlier and show them my growth and maturity.”
“Panpan, you are my motivation and pursuit. Being with you, I can become a better version of myself. I’m not afraid of the hardships along the way; what I fear most is that our pursuit and efforts will yield no results. So, Panpan, if you don’t want me to suffer, don’t think about letting me go it alone. Let’s believe and work hard together, making our journey flourish, okay?” The girl hugged her, looking into her eyes, shining brighter than the stars.
Xiao Wanqing looked at Lin Xian’s young and steadfast face, feeling as if there were a thousand words in her heart, but eventually, all those words condensed into a clumsy yet affectionate, “Lin Xian, I love you.” She couldn’t suppress the love surging in her heart, wrapped her arms around Lin Xian, and kissed her tenderly and affectionately.
LP: I’m really thankful for the fact that most of the teachers and classmates I had were accepting!