For The Rest Of Our Life – Chapter 123

Is it because you are too charming?

On the morning of the second day, Lin Xian woke up from her bed to find Xiao Wanqing already gone from her side. Listening closely, the comforting faint sound of pots and pans came from the kitchen.

She sat up, rubbed her head, and pondered whether she should act as if she had forgotten everything that happened last night to avoid awkwardness when she saw Xiao Wanqing, or should she remember and take the opportunity to talk again when both were sober?

Hesitating, Xiao Wanqing appeared neatly at the door. She came in with a cup of water, her expression as usual, her eyes soft.

Xiao Wanqing sat down beside Lin Xian, touched Lin Xian’s face, and asked with concern, “Do you have a headache?”

Lin Xian couldn’t come up with an answer and decided to wait and see, following Xiao Wanqing’s attitude. If Xiao Panpan wanted her to remember, then she would remember; if she wanted her to forget, then she could be without memory.

She turned her head and kissed Xiao Wanqing’s palm, smilingly replied, “No pain, very energetic.”

Xiao Wanqing let go of her worry, chuckled softly, and stood up, urging her, “That’s good. Then go brush your teeth and wash your face, you have an early class this morning, and it would not be good to be late.”

Not a word about last night’s drunkenness of Lin Xian was mentioned.

Lin Xian quickly agreed, “Okay, I’ll get up right away.” Watching Xiao Wanqing’s leaving figure, she dropped her eyelids and let out a soft sigh.

It seemed like Xiao Panpan didn’t want to bring it up. Then, she wouldn’t mention it for the time being.

Not mentioning it, the tears Xiao Wanqing left on her heart last night, the guilt and self-blame she opened up about, stubbornly and fiercely stuck into Lin Xian’s heart like a thorn, tormenting her, aching faintly. Every time Lin Xian thought about Xiao Panpan having this tormenting thorn in her heart since they got together, it felt even more painful.

It was her who made the first move, her who seduced, then why did Xiao Wanqing end up taking all the responsibility?

But Xiao Wanqing said without her, she might not have chosen this path, Lin Xian felt like there was no way to argue against that.

She wasn’t very old, but from early romance in junior high to the hormonal surge in college, it wasn’t that no boys had pursued her, even in college, several girls had also openly or secretly expressed their feelings for her. But she felt nothing. She always thought she was just cold in terms of feelings, even doubted if she could ever like anyone.

Only when she realized she liked Xiao Wanqing did she suddenly feel a sense of belonging and fate.

It seems like all her rejections and indifference towards others in the past were just to wait for the arrival of Xiao Wanqing. She’s not a person of many loves, but she’s one of long-lasting affection. She’s certain, she won’t love anyone else in her life the way she loves Xiao Wanqing.

From eight to eighteen, her heart, has always beaten only for Xiao Wanqing.

Indeed, it was because of Xiao Wanqing that she chose this path. Or perhaps, as she once accidentally entered a forum and read some posts when she wanted to learn about this aspect, she bent for Xiao Wanqing.

But is this Xiao Wanqing’s responsibility? Lin Xian felt that obviously, this was not right. But how should she convince the self-disciplined yet lenient towards others Xiao Panpan?

In the evening, the student council held an executive meeting to discuss the arrangement of a series of activities the student council would be responsible for organizing next. When the meeting was dismissed, it was already late. Everyone was talking and laughing as they walked down from the upstairs, suddenly, a few muffled thunders sounded in the sky, followed by a slight drizzle that started to pour, and amidst the thunder, the rain gradually became heavier.

Everyone didn’t bring an umbrella. The other people are all boarding students. After waiting in the heavy rain for a while, seeing that the rain slightly lessened, they jogged in groups towards the dormitory area.

Xia Zhijin and Lin Xian are the only two day students. They used their hands to cover their heads, better than nothing, and also jogged towards the parking lot.

Just standing in the parking lot, Xiao Wanqing made a phone call over. Her voice had some apology, caring for Lin Xian said: “Xianxian, did I disturb your meeting?”

Lin Xian, hearing Xiao Wanqing’s voice, a smile appeared on her lips: “No, it’s already ended, I and Sister Zhijin walked to the parking lot ready to go home.”

“That so. I sent a text a few minutes ago you didn’t reply, so I just directly made a call.” Xiao Wanqing explained. She looked at the night sky sprinkled with mist, sighed: “It’s raining, now I come over to pick you up, is it too late?”

Since the last time Xiao Wanqing went to school to pick up Lin Xian without catching up with her, Xiao Wanqing subconsciously rejected such sudden action. So, without getting a definite answer from Lin Xian, she didn’t dare to go rashly again. But Lin Xian had an experience of getting injured while driving in the rain at night, which made Xiao Wanqing very worried.

“It’s okay, I brought a raincoat, I won’t get soaked by the rain.” Lin Xian, receiving the concern, felt very sweet in her heart.

Beside her, Xia Zhijin poked Lin Xian’s phone, indicating that Lin Xian could hand the phone to her, letting her say a few words to Xiao Wanqing?

Without suspicion, Lin Xian informed Xiao Wanqing and then handed the phone to Xia Zhijin.

Then, she heard Xia Zhijin’s clear and cold voice in the rainy night: “Auntie Xiao, don’t worry, I’ll take Xianxian back.”

“It’s okay, it’s on the way anyway. Hmm, okay, okay, I’ll drive slower, okay, goodbye.”

After Xia Zhijin finished speaking and handed the phone back to Lin Xian, the call had already been hung up.

“Auntie Xiao has entrusted you to me, let’s go, Lin Xiaoxian.” Xia Zhijin rarely raised her tone to tease her: “Xianxian, your girlfriend is really nice, you see, in such heavy rain, not even a single caring message was sent to me. Ah, envious.”

Lin Xian was originally embarrassed to specifically trouble Xia Zhijin to go out of her way. Last semester, she had already troubled Xia Zhijin enough. This semester, both she and Xia Zhijin changed tutoring places. Her new tutoring place is very close to Xiao Wanqing’s house, which made going to and from classes much more convenient, so she didn’t trouble Xia Zhijin for rides anymore.

But when she heard Xia Zhijin teasing about the relationship between her and Auntie Xiao, and mentioned her relationship with Manman, it’s like she thought of something, and then changed her mind.

After getting on the car, the vehicle traveled smoothly on the wet road, with the windshield wipers swaying back and forth in front of the car mirror. Lin Xian appeared somewhat absent-minded as she watched them, hesitating whether to ask Xia Zhijin and how to approach the topic. She feared unintentionally touching upon a sore point shared by Xia Zhijin and Shi Man.

Xia Zhijin had noticed Lin Xian since the meeting began. Lin Xian seemed less lively than usual, appearing to be weighed down by concerns.

She furrowed her brows, turned her face to glance at Lin Xian, and asked with a warm tone, “Xianxian, what’s wrong? You seem a bit unhappy?”

Lin Xian turned her head, steadily looking at Xia Zhijin, whose eyes were filled with concern. After biting her lip, the concern for Xiao Wanqing ultimately prevailed over everything else. She made up her mind and asked Xia Zhijin softly, “Sister Zhijin, can I ask you a question? It might be a bit offensive.”

Hearing this, Xia Zhijin smiled generously and replied, “It’s okay, go ahead and ask. I know that whatever it is, you mean no harm.”

“Sister Zhijin, you… when you’re with Manman, have you ever wondered if you’re leading Manman astray? Or, to put it another way, if you’ve bent Manman, making Manman choose a difficult path?” Lin Xian asked cautiously, harboring some unease, carefully choosing the term “bent”.

Xia Zhijin’s hand on the steering wheel paused briefly, then she suddenly smiled lightly. She asked Lin Xian in return, “Why would it be me who led Manman astray, bent Manman? I’ve never liked girls before either, and Manman is my first love.” She joked, “Maybe it was Manman who bent me.”

She never delved into who fell for whom first between her and Shi Man. Liking someone is each person’s own business. She could have resisted falling for Shi Man, but she was moved. So, should she blame Shi Man for being too charming? Xia Zhijin never thought about feeling guilty for Shi Man liking girls, nor did she think Shi Man needed to take responsibility for making her like girls.

After realizing her feelings for Shi Man, and that Shi Man liked girls, she extensively researched and thoroughly understood herself once more. She also knew that the path with Shi Man was not easy, but she understood that the difficulties between her and Shi Man were not so much about gender but more about other obstacles standing between them.

Lin Xian was left speechless, right, it’s different. The situation between Sister Zhijin and Manman is not the same as hers with Xiao Panpan.

Because before knowing herself, Xiao Panpan already knew she was gay, so there is no possibility of Xiao Panpan being bent by her. Therefore, does Xiao Panpan think this way, believing she turned her and bears more responsibility?

Xia Zhijin looked at Lin Xian frowning, seemingly deep in thought, and probably guessed that Lin Xian might have encountered some problems with Xiao Wanqing. After a brief reflection, she could speculate that someone as gentle, thoughtful, and responsible as Auntie Xiao, due to the age gap between her and Lin Xian, couldn’t help but possibly worry too much about something.

Honestly, if she didn’t know Lin Xian and Xiao Wanqing, just by looking at such a gap between them, she would subconsciously think that the older Xiao Wanqing should bear more responsibility for this relationship, which is indecent in the eyes of the public.

Age is the original sin.

But she knows Lin Xian, knows Xiao Wanqing. If one can view without bias, objectively, it can be found: Lin Xian is a person with her own ideas. When she fell for Xiao Wanqing, she was already a person with independent views, not a little kid who could be led by Xiao Wanqing; When Xiao Wanqing accepted Lin Xian, Lin Xian was already an adult.

The love between two adults is all about mutual willingness and choice. For the choices one makes, one should take responsibility.

Xia Zhijin touched the steering wheel slightly, suddenly broke the silence, and asked Lin Xian, “Xianxian, do you think being gay is innate, or acquired? Can sexual orientation be changed?”

Lin Xian had never thought about this question. She paused for a moment, seriously pondered for a short while, and hesitantly said, “Innate?”

Actually, she simply liked Xiao Wanqing, and because Xiao Wanqing was of the same gender as her, she labeled herself as ‘bent’, as gay. But in fact, she had not really thought more deeply about her own sexual orientation, nor had she truly understood this community. She always felt, it wasn’t about whether she liked boys or girls, it was just about her liking Xiao Wanqing.

Seeing her hesitation, Xia Zhijin sighed knowingly. She looked reassuringly at a somewhat puzzled Lin Xian and told her, “Xianxian, maybe when you find the answers to the two questions I asked you, you will also find the answer to that question in your heart.”

Just across the street was the community where Xiao Wanqing lived. Because driving there would make it inconvenient for Xia Zhijin to reverse her car to go home, Lin Xian always asked Xia Zhijin to stop the car here.

The rain outside had almost stopped. Xia Zhijin parked the car, and Lin Xian opened the door to get out. She said goodbye to Xia Zhijin by the car window: “Sister Zhijin, be careful on the road.” After a pause, she continued, “About the question you asked me, I will seriously think about it.”

Xia Zhijin smiled, nodded, and said, “Okay, if there’s anything else you want to talk about, you can contact me later.” She rolled up the window, preparing to leave under Lin Xian’s watchful eye.

The next second, she suddenly rolled down the window again, her eyes serious yet gentle, reminding Lin Xian, “Xianxian, I think, since you are already on this path, then try to understand yourself more, understand what kind of path you are on. Perhaps, this is also a way of being responsible. Feelings are not just about two people liking each other.”

Sometimes, Lin Xian is really much like Shi Man. The more something needs to be said, the quieter one becomes; the closer people are, the harder it is to speak out. Afraid of hurting the other, and also afraid of hurting oneself.

But facing friends, if speaking a few more words could make them have less conflict and more happiness, Xia Zhijin is willing to be that noisy person.

Lin Xian’s eyebrows slightly furrowed, her eyes flickered, and after a long time, she solemnly nodded her head.

Not until Xia Zhijin’s car completely disappeared into the night did Lin Xian withdraw her gaze. She pursed her lips, thoughtfully crossing the road.

Just after crossing the road and walking towards the community gate, she couldn’t wait to start searching for the answer to the question Xia Zhijin asked her. She took a few steps forward, saw the search results come up, and unconsciously stopped in her tracks, seriously flipping through the answers one by one.

After repeatedly reading many articles, she preliminarily understood, what she was thinking was correct.

Most answers show that sexual orientation is innate and cannot be changed later in life.

She was scrolling through this when a message came in. It was from Xia Zhijin. Lin Xian didn’t hesitate to open it.

Xia Zhijin said: “Lin Xian, actually, there was a term just now that I personally think is not objective. In my view, ‘bending’ someone is actually a false proposition. There are no truly straight people who can be ‘bent’; if someone can be ‘bent,’ it means she herself has this potential possibility. It just so happens that she now encounters this so-called person or thing that ‘bends’ her, causing her to discover this potential possibility, discovering the hidden self.”

Lin Xian read through it quickly once, paused for a moment, and then immediately read through it seriously word by word for the second time.

In an instant, she remembered the concerns that Xiao Wanqing had expressed to her, suddenly feeling enlightened, as if she had an epiphany.

If this is her natural path, if this is the road she was meant to travel, then what reason does Auntie Xiao have to blame herself?

Moist droplets fall on Lin Xian’s face. It’s rain, and it has started again.

A smile appears in Lin Xian’s eyes. She prepares to put away her phone and jog back, but suddenly, a clear sky blocks the increasingly strong wind and rain from her.

Xiao Wanqing stands in front of her with an umbrella, asking with a smile, “Why did you suddenly stop and not move, what are you so engrossed in?”

Has Auntie Xiao been waiting for her inside the community gate all this time? Lin Xian gazes at Xiao Wanqing’s gentle face, her lips gradually curving into a smile.

Lin Xian doesn’t explain why she stopped. She reaches out her hand, tightly embracing Xiao Wanqing, whispering with a laugh, “It’s you, Xiao Xiaowan. It’s you who enchant me.”

LP: I’ve always been attractive to girls since young, I just didn’t know the word ‘lesbian’ back then. But still, there’s always been this innate fear that showing or telling people that I like girls would be a bad idea <( °^° )>