Lin Xian, hug me
She arrived with trepidation, but at least her heart was still alive. Departing, Xiao Wanqing was laden with despair, her naively revived heart seemingly crushed by reality once more.
Only when those words, repeatedly interrogated within the depths of her heart, were cruelly uttered by someone close, did she realize that they truly were different.
It seemed to hurt even more.
Each word, each sentence, was like chiseling bones and pounding marrow, tangibly painful.
This time, even Wen Tong, who had always stood by her, wasn’t on her side, couldn’t understand, resisted, and even couldn’t accept herself.
Xiao Wanqing bit her lip as she drove along the brightly lit avenue, yet she felt as if she had plunged back into a dim, lightless tunnel.
Since her parents passed away, her life had become like a journey into an endless expanse of darkness with no direction and no end in sight. She moved through life like a walking corpse, mechanically following the passage of time, just getting by and waiting for the day it would all end.
Lin Xian’s arrival was like catching sight of flickering flames in this darkness, lingering around her. After enduring prolonged darkness, they became the most dazzling light in her life.
The light was faint; it did not illuminate her path ahead, but it lit up her life.
A bloody taste permeated her mouth as Xiao Wanqing belatedly released her lips, which she had tortured and made them drenched with blood. She felt a gradual surge of physical pain, while psychologically, it seemed as if she had found a slight sense of relief.
If being disgraced and abandoned by all, standing alone could provide a bit of relief and peace for Zhou Qin and the others, then she was willing to atone with the misery of her remaining life.
Lin Xian lent her a brief warmth, perhaps enough to help her endure the long winter of life.
This was the price she ought to pay.
But what about her wild fantasies? How should she deal with the shame and guilt, while insatiably beginning to yearn for a lasting embrace of the light?
It was as if a demon resided in her heart, inching forward, gradually consuming her reason and sense of decency.
Upon voicing her unwillingness to be with Lin Xian for the long time, she felt a ripping pain that made her realize the greed that had crept into her heart unaware.
It seemed that even she couldn’t accept herself anymore.
Xiao Wanqing didn’t know how she managed to drive back to the neighborhood, how she had made it into the parking lot.
Sitting blankly in the parking lot for a long time, Xiao Wanqing glanced at the time, finally took out a small mirror, adjusted her emotions, tidied up her appearance, and pulled out a shallow, usual smile in the mirror. Then, as if nothing had happened, she got out of the car and went home.
But her steps were no longer as light as they had been before.
Upon returning home, Lin Xian was indeed as Xiao Wanqing had expected, not yet asleep, quietly waiting for her in the living room. Hearing the sound of the door, Lin Xian eagerly set down the book she was holding and quickly approached the entryway, her eyes tightly fixed on Xiao Wanqing, carefully observing her lover’s expression.
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The heaviness unconsciously shown by Xiao Wanqing when she left had made her uneasy.
She was a bit afraid that Wen Tong might suddenly confess her feelings.
Assisting, she took Xiao Wanqing’s bag with an air of nonchalance and asked, “What was so urgent that Aunt Wen had to call you out?”
Bending to untie her sandals, Xiao Wanqing lowered her eyelids, naturally responding, “She had some doubts and wanted my clarification.” After changing her shoes, she stepped closer to Lin Xian, touched her ear, and with a gentle smile reassured her, “It’s nothing serious.”
Seeing that Xiao Wanqing had no intention of elaborating, Lin Xian didn’t press her further. She observed Xiao Wanqing’s features, which were soft and composed as usual, and though still somewhat dubious, she ultimately breathed a sigh of relief.
Xiao Wanqing had to go to work the next day, so after some tidying up and washing up, it was nearly time for them to rest.
Lin Xian swiftly took a shower in her own bathroom, slipped into her camisole nightdress, and flirtatiously flicked her hair in front of the mirror. She pursed her lips and exhaled deeply, steeling herself for the long-contemplated action she was about to take.
Carrying her pillow into Xiao Wanqing’s room, she noticed only the bedside lamp was on in Xiao Wanqing’s room, and the bathroom door was still closed with no sound of running water.
Lin Xian tiptoed to Xiao Wanqing’s large bed, hugging her pillow close, lifted the quilt, and deftly tucked herself in. The moment her skin intimately contacted the bed covers warmed by Xiao Wanqing, Lin Xian let out a satisfied sigh.
Like Xiao Panpan’s gentle warmth. Just like, being embraced by her.
Lin Xian didn’t know how much time had passed, and just as she was about to drift off comfortably, the bathroom door finally clicked open, followed by the familiar light footsteps of Xiao Wanqing. Lin Xian calculated the time it would take for Xiao Wanqing to reach the bed and peeked out from the covers, her large, dewy eyes shining with affection as she gazed at Xiao Wanqing.
After bidding Lin Xian goodnight, Xiao Wanqing returned to her room. The forced smile on her face vanished in an instant, leaving her heart feeling heavy. She had zoned out in the shower until her fingers were all pruney before she belatedly turned off the water and dried off to get dressed.
Upon returning to the bedroom, she was still so lost in thought that she didn’t immediately notice the bulge on her bed.
As she just knelt on one leg on the bed, her peripheral vision caught a slight movement from the duvet, and her heart skipped a beat in alarm. In the next second, the girl’s laughing eyes, dark and clear, crashed directly into her gaze.
Just one look was all it took to dispel the clouds in her heart. Xiao Wanqing couldn’t help but feel a softness flourishing inside her as she watched Lin Xian.
“Xiao Xiaowan,” the girl’s voice was filled with a plaintive whine as she hugged the blanket around her, half her face obscured, “The blanket in my room is so much thinner compared to the ones at the hotel yesterday. I was so cold while sleeping.”
The excuse was obviously flimsy, so transparent it was almost laughable. But the rationale wasn’t what mattered; Xiao Wanqing’s response was what was significant.
Xiao Wanqing observed the pitiful yet endearing expression on Lin Xian’s radiant and attractive face, and the corners of her lips couldn’t help but lift into a shallow arc. A glint of light returned to her dark, silent eyes.
She lifted the covers to get into bed and said, almost teasingly indifferent, “Shall I get you a thicker blanket then?”
Seeing Xiao Wanqing climb into bed before asking that question, Lin Xian realized with blossoming joy that her uninvited stay was tacitly allowed. This was Xiao Panpan’s silent consent to her intruding upon her personal territory without permission.
Emerging completely from the blankets, Lin Xian wrapped her arms around Xiao Wanqing’s slender waist as she sat half-upright in bed, and said with a cheeky grin, “No need to switch; I won’t be cold as long as you’re hugging me.”
She heard Xiao Wanqing let out a soft chuckle, and then, Xiao Wanqing reached over to turn off the light, lay down, and casually draped an arm over her own waist.
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Lin Xian snuggled fully into Xiao Wanqing’s embrace, nestling into her neck and asked with loaded meaning, “Xiao Xiaowan, is there another pillowcase, perhaps?”
“Mhm.”
Xiao Wanqing’s bare arms were intimately entwined with Lin Xian’s supple forearms, neither of them wearing a bra. It dawned on Xiao Wanqing belatedly.
“Can you put a cover on my pillow, please?” the girl lifted her head, licked her lower jaw, and gazed at her tenderly in the moonlight.
The girl’s warm little tongue softly glided over her jaw, making Xiao Wanqing’s heartbeat thunder for a moment. The next second, it was as if a clap of thunder exploded next to her ear, the cold and stern words of Wen Tong echoed in her mind: “…she’s ended up in your bed.”
Xiao Wanqing’s face suddenly turned pale.
Lin Xian, with her keen senses, caught on, her heart sinking, her eyes also dimmed.
“If it’s not easy to find, it’s okay, too.” The girl lowered her head, considerately giving them both a way out.
In that moment, Xiao Wanqing, watching the girl’s obviously sagging spirits, holding her slightly stiff body, felt as if her heart was pricked by needles, a fine, dense pain. Xiao Wanqing wanted to agree, she wanted to tell her, she too longed to share a bed with her, to long for her embrace.
But in the end, fear took over. Guiltily, she simply patted the girl’s back, kissed her forehead shielded by stray hair, and coaxed her, “Go to sleep, goodnight.”
The girl responded dully, “Goodnight.” Her sadness was evident.
Did she miscalculate? In fact, was she still not fully in Auntie Xiao’s heart? Xiao Wanqing had been quite indulgent with her, this was one of the rare rejections since they started dating. Lin Xian’s heart felt fragile for a moment, sad enough to want to cry.
But she was too attached to this embrace, Lin Xian wanted to get close no matter what. She held back her sadness, lifted her spirits, telling herself that she was being too anxious, she needed to give Xiao Panpan a little more time.
As dawn gradually brightened, Xiao Wanqing woke up as usual. She affectionately pecked Lin Xian’s little face and then flipped off the blanket to get out of bed.
After she finished washing up and opened the bedroom door, the noise from the living room surprised her. Just a few steps out, Zhou Qin suddenly appeared, furious, and landed a harsh slap across Xiao Wanqing’s face, leaving her in disbelief, hand to cheek. Before she could react, her usually kind teacher was at her side, looking at her with disdain she had never seen before, spitting out, “How did I ever mentor a student as shameless as you?”
Then, the scene shifted rapidly. She was suddenly in her home in the northern district, where her dad, his eyes wide with fury, raised his hand but did not let it fall on her. Instead, he pointed to the door, “Get out, I, Xiao Shu, do not acknowledge a daughter like you.”
Next, she found herself on the school campus, surrounded by classmates who pointed and whispered. A mocking voice floated from somewhere, “Have you seen the gossip on the BBS? Everyone suspects the lesbian goddess is Xiao Wanqing; I’m petrified. I shared a room with her during field research. We watched a movie in our spare time, and I felt her touch my hand. My God, it’s revolting to even think about it now.”
The scene changed quickly again. In a snowy landscape, an older Lin Xian left without a backward glance, following Zhou Qin until they both disappeared from her sight. A car approached, her parents inside, her mother holding her favorite shrimp dumplings and her father showing a faint smile. Suddenly, another car charged violently towards her parents’ vehicle.
She let out a heart-wrenching scream, “No!” but it felt like her throat had been squeezed shut, and no sound came out.
Fresh blood gradually stained the entire snowy ground.
Crimson… a sea of crimson… within the sea of crimson, she was all alone, unable to escape, unable to break free. The smell of blood invaded her mouth and nose. In her ears, an incessant stream of accusations echoed, “Seduction, abduction, perverted, shameless…”
“No, it’s not true… I’m not…” she desperately denied over and over again in her suffocating despair.
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A pair of delicate yet powerful hands grasped her wrists, like a sharp blade cutting through the endless crimson, allowing her to see the light of day again, to breathe freely once more.
“You’re not, you’re not. Don’t be scared, Xiao Panpan, don’t be scared, I’m here.” A gentle voice soothed her over and over again in her ear.
She wanted to see who it was, trying hard to turn around and get a clear view of the source of the voice. The next second, she awoke, and before her eyes, all was dim.
The corners of her eyes, damp.
A pair of gentle hands caressed her cheeks.
“Don’t be scared, it was just a nightmare, I’m here.” The soothing voice, tender and full of concern, continued to calm her.
Xiao Wanqing turned her head and saw Lin Xian looking at her with a concerned frown. She didn’t look as heartless as she did when she was grown up in the dream. Xiao Wanqing could see, in her affection-filled eyes, a reflection full of herself, shimmering like stars.
“Lin Xian, hug me, hug me,” she suddenly pleaded in the dark night, her voice breaking vulnerably.
LP: Too cruel ૮ ◞ ﻌ ◟ ა