Have you learned now?
On the way back, the relentless drizzle tapped incessantly against Xiao Wanqing’s car window, each drop falling into her heart, chilling her to a pale complexion.
She coughed abruptly twice, and in her eyes lay a profound sense of hurt and exhaustion.
Lin Xian had been deceiving her all along.
And she had never noticed.
She knew she shouldn’t think, shouldn’t reminisce. Yet she couldn’t help but recall the past, the time when Yan Jia made her believe about her mother’s illness, and, keeping her in the dark, met one blind date after another, trusting her foolishly and completely.
It was only when Yan Jia was about to get engaged that Xiao Wanqing learned from others’ lips: all along, her lover had been going on blind dates behind her back.
Oh…
And there she was, feeling pity for Yan Jia’s early departures and late returns, toiling back and forth. At home, she diligently prepared nourishing soups daily to be sent to Yan Jia’s mother, foolishly hoping to show her own sincerity and ease the tension between her and Yan Jia’s mother, to make things less difficult for Yan Jia.
When you fall for someone, you can’t help but gradually let go of yourself, to trust that person with your whole being, exposing the softest, most vulnerable part of your heart to them without any guard.
And that person’s deceit is like a sharp knife, plunging into the place within you that ought to have been the most fortified but has become the softest in their presence, making it bleed profusely.
Xiao Wanqing felt a tightness in her chest, an ache, but above all, fear.
She knew that Lin Xian’s deceit at this stage couldn’t be due to a shift in feelings. However, Lin Xian’s betrayal made her realize—Lin Xian, the child she always thought was pure and untainted, was also capable of deceiving her.
And she, Xiao Wanqing, was utterly unguarded.
She pursed her lips tightly, gazing at the windshield wipers swinging ceaselessly left and right. The warmth and tenderness that filled her eyes on the journey here gradually faded away, leaving only a vast and dim expanse, as calm as a lake.
When Lin Xian returned home in Xia Zhijin’s car, Xiao Wanqing was waiting for her in the living room as usual. Lin Xian didn’t notice anything amiss with Xiao Wanqing and, as always, changed her shoes at the entrance and then scampered over to Xiao Wanqing. Not even pausing to put down her backpack, she beamed with a smile and pecked Xiao Wanqing on the lips with enthusiasm, “Did Xiao Xiaowan miss me?”
Xiao Wanqing looked into the girl’s clear eyes, which were just an arm’s length away, and felt a pang of pain flash across her heart. She curled her lips in a semblance of a smile, not responding to Lin Xian’s question. Pretending to be casual, she playfully inquired, “You seem to have come back a bit earlier than usual today. Did the teachers let out class early because of the rain?”
With serious intent, she watched Lin Xian’s eyes, trying to discern any traces of slip-ups the girl might have shown on normal days due to her excessive trust.
And indeed, she noticed something. At her seemingly innocent question, the girl hesitated oddly for a moment, a flicker of panic and discomfort crossing her face.
Lin Xian had come back early today because the parents of the student she tutored were grateful for the improvement in their child’s mid-term exams after she and Xia Zhijin had given extra lessons. Thus, both sets of parents had treated her and Xia Zhijin to a meal. After the meal, they’d had one tutoring session and then she came back.
Soon, Lin Xian regained her composure. She went along with the explanation Xiao Wanqing had crafted, answering, “Yes, that’s right.” She convincingly said, “The students became restless as the rain got heavier, and class couldn’t go on, so the teacher let us out early, just in time. But he made sure to remind us to keep our voices down so as not to disturb other classes.”
“Xianxian, are you taking an elective course in Zhuang Yue Building?” After a moment of silence, Xiao Wanqing suddenly spoke up again.
Lin Xian had no idea how much Xiao Wanqing was longing for her to confess. She prayed silently: Xianxian, show some guilt, some panic, let me trust you a bit more.
However, the anxiety Lin Xian felt from lying was gradually subsiding. She blinked her eyes, appearing to be genuine, and nodded assertively, “Yes, that’s right. Is there something wrong?”
Xiao Wanqing pursed her lips, steadfastly gazing into her eyes, staring at those still pure and clear eyes. After a while, she lowered her snowy-white neck and concealed the desolation and disappointment in her eyes.
Lin Xian, you play the part so well.
For a moment, Xiao Wanqing was so overcome with grief and fear that she couldn’t help but doubt: If there’s one lie, there might be a second. Lin Xian, could there be…
But such a fleeting thought suddenly made Xiao Wanqing ache with heartache. She quickly halted her own excessively malicious speculations, telling herself rationally that thinking this way was unfair to Lin Xian.
She looked up and forced a smile at Lin Xian, replying, “Nothing, I just remembered how the terrain near the Zhuang Yue Building was a bit low-lying when I was in school. Even a slight increase in rain would lead to waterlogging.” She clasped her hands for a moment, then as if making up her mind, she turned off the TV and said as usual, “Xianxian, go take a shower.”
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Lin Xian didn’t suspect anything and affectionately rubbed her head, saying, “Okay, I’ll go take a shower now.”
But as she turned and took a few steps away, Xiao Wanqing suddenly called out to her urgently, “Lin Xian…” Her voice seemed strangely hoarse.
Lin Xian turned around and saw Xiao Wanqing sitting on the sofa, looking at her strangely while tilted to one side.
However, after a long while, Xiao Wanqing merely gave her a simple reminder: “I’ve changed your towel for you; it’s already in the bathroom cabinet.”
Lin Xian furrowed her brow and touched the back of her head, feeling that Xiao Wanqing probably had something else she intended to say. But after looking at Xiao Wanqing again, who now appeared quite normal, she nodded with some unease, suppressing the doubts in her heart.
Back in her room, when Lin Xian took out her school card, bus card, and phone from her pocket and placed them on the desk, she noticed that her phone had somehow turned off.
Lin Xian casually sat down at her desk and plugged in the charger. While her phone was charging, she turned it on.
As soon as the phone powered on, it started to vibrate frantically after just a few seconds. There were many missed call alerts telling her that during the time the phone was off, Auntie Xiao had called her once, and Chen Zhi had made 11 frantic consecutive calls.
Lin Xian was somewhat puzzled. Chen Zhi must have something urgent to contact her for, right? She scrolled with a hint of a smile, only to find numerous text messages from Chen Zhi as well.
She had a smile on her face, but as soon as she opened the messages and saw what was written, the smile disappeared without a trace.
In the next second, she threw down her phone, pushed back her chair, and ran to the living room.
In the living room, Xiao Wanqing was still sitting quietly on the sofa. She was looking down, apparently lost in thought.
The cold white incandescent light made Xiao Wanqing’s already slender figure appear even more lonely and frail. Lin Xian felt a sharp pang in her heart.
She lifted her heavy feet, her face set in a stern expression, and step by step approached Xiao Wanqing. Under Xiao Wanqing’s gaze, she squatted down in front of her and then, tilting her head back, gazed up at her.
“Why don’t you go take a shower?” The woman, unable to hide the sorrow and fragility in her eyes, squeezed out a gentle smile, pretending as if nothing had happened, and softly asked her.
Lin Xian felt a lump in her throat, her hands resting on Xiao Wanqing’s knees, and with difficulty, she spoke, “Why don’t you ask me?”
“Ask you what?” Xiao Wanqing lowered her head, sadly smiling.
The cold white incandescent light made Xiao Wanqing’s already slender figure appear even more lonely and frail. Lin Xian felt a sharp pang in her heart.
She lifted her heavy feet, her face set in a stern expression, and step by step approached Xiao Wanqing. Under Xiao Wanqing’s gaze, she squatted down in front of her and then, tilting her head back, gazed up at her.
“Why don’t you go take a shower?” The woman, unable to hide the sorrow and fragility in her eyes, squeezed out a gentle smile, pretending as if nothing had happened, and softly asked her.
Lin Xian felt a lump in her throat, her hands resting on Xiao Wanqing’s knees, and with difficulty, she spoke, “Why don’t you ask me?”
“Ask you what?” Xiao Wanqing lowered her head, sadly smiling.
What she doesn’t want to say, she really shouldn’t ask, right?
Xiao Wanqing’s smile is painfully bright.
Despite the fact that it was her who deceived and hid the truth from her, Xiao Wanqing’s seemingly indifferent and tranquil demeanor made Lin Xian feel an inexplicable sense of guilt, as if she was the one who had done wrong. Her heart ached and she was annoyed.
“If I hadn’t found out that you knew, would you have continued to pretend you didn’t know, watching me conceal the truth from you, then growing suspicious and distrustful of me, yet asking me nothing…” Lin Xian clenched her fists, unable to help the coldness creeping into her voice as she questioned her.
Xiao Wanqing bit her lip, remaining silent. Lin Xian didn’t understand that sometimes, she too was afraid to ask, for the answer might be something she didn’t want to hear.
Xiao Wanqing’s silence felt to Lin Xian like a punch landing on cotton. She was hit by a sense of powerlessness, her emotions beginning to stir.
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Tears started to well up in Lin Xian’s eyes as if she had suddenly realized something, her feelings of grievance growing: “That day, you told me, ‘Thank you.’ You thanked me for being honest with you about my feelings, thanked me for giving you a chance to explain. But what about you! You just decide, without giving me the slightest opportunity to explain, preparing to quietly and heartlessly sentence me to death in your heart?”
As she spoke, tears slipped uncontrollably down her cheeks. Since the day she fell in love with Xiao Wanqing, the torment of Xiao Wanqing’s elusive presence, coupled with her own sense of helplessness, were overwhelming her, causing her voice to choke up: “Xiao Wanqing, how can you so easily negate me, you have no idea…”
You have no idea how hard I’ve worked to get close to you, how careful I’ve been.
Walking on thin ice.
Seeing Lin Xian’s tears and hearing her grievous accusation, Xiao Wanqing’s heart shattered into pieces, a mix of self-reproach and guilt besieged her, a complex medley of emotions. Her eyes also reddened, and she tenderly cupped the girl’s face, her fingertips gently wiping away the tears as she apologized softly and sincerely, “XianXian, I’m sorry, it’s my fault. Don’t cry.”
Lin Xian’s words cut sharply into her heart like a knife.
Putting herself in Lin Xian’s shoes, she realized that Lin Xian felt aggrieved as well. Many principles she righteously taught Lin Xian, she herself had failed to practice.
What she had done wasn’t as good as what Lin Xian had done after all.
She pulled Lin Xian up to sit in her lap. Although the girl was crying, she did not reject Xiao Wanqing’s closeness. She compliantly leaned into her embrace, burying her face in her shoulder and sobbing.
Xiao Wanqing wrapped her arms around Lin Xian’s waist and spoke softly to her, “Xianxian, it rained last night, and since you didn’t have an umbrella with you, I was worried and went to pick you up. But I didn’t find you, only to be told by your classmate that you actually haven’t been attending any electives this semester.” She opened up to her honestly, “Lin Xian, I actually care a lot. So, can you please tell me, where have you been going on the evenings of every Wednesday and Thursday when you weren’t attending your elective classes?”
Lin Xian was nestled in her neck, and gradually her sobbing subsided. She lifted her head, her eyelashes still wet with tears, bit her lip, and hesitantly asked in a low voice, “Can you trust me?”
“I can’t tell you now, but after some time, you’ll definitely know what I was doing.”
Xiao Wanqing leaned in and gently kissed the teardrops off her eyelashes.
Under the girl’s gaze, for the first time, she disregarded other considerations and without sparing the girl’s feelings, she shook her head and revealed her thoughts candidly, “I can’t, Lin Xian.”
“Lin Xian, actually, actually I also have my moments of insecurity,” her voice was rough, as if it was extremely difficult for her to speak, but she still expressed the vulnerabilities she usually wouldn’t show in front of the girl.
Lin Xian was momentarily stunned, somewhat surprised by the rare display of vulnerability from Xiao Wanqing.
She had always known that her Xiao Xiaowan was actually a little girl who needed protection. But in front of her, she always put on a facade of strength, leaving Lin Xian unable to find a way to help, powerless.
The more vulnerable a person is, the tougher the shell they build for self-protection.
And now, did Auntie Xiao break her own shell and include herself within it too?
Lin Xian blinked her eyes, a soft love and warmth slowly welling up inside them, filling her with delighted rapture. Biting her lip, she let out a low sigh and honestly admitted, “I actually went to tutor. Auntie Xiao, there’s something I really, really want to buy, but I don’t have enough money, so I went to work to earn some.”
Unexpectedly, as soon as she finished speaking, Xiao Wanqing’s eyes betrayed an unrestrained disappointment.
She advised Lin Xian as if educating a child, “Lin Xian, if there’s something you want to buy, you can just tell me. Even if it is, indeed, something well beyond your budget, you can tell me, and we can discuss it properly. I won’t scold you. Next time, please don’t hide things like this from me, okay?”
Deep down, Xiao Wanqing truly felt a bit let down. Maybe it was because of Lin Xian’s always dependable behavior that she had developed unjustified expectations, forgetting that Lin Xian, in fact, was still just a half-grown child.
Because she wanted to buy something, she scrimped and saved, worked for extra money, and resorted to deception. It was indeed something a child would do.
Xiao Wanqing didn’t utter harsh words, nor did she even say something as grating as “deception,” but it stabbed Lin Xian’s heart more sharply than any cruel words could.
Lin Xian’s body stiffened in an instant. She lifted her head, staring at Xiao Wanqing in disbelief, her eyes quickly welling up again as her voice turned cold: “Do you think I’m someone who is vain, or perhaps childish, chasing after luxury beyond my means by working part-time jobs just for my own selfish desires, and deceiving you no matter the cost?”
“Is this really what you think of me?” Her heart ached as if pierced by a thousand arrows, the pain so intense as if she were dying. All the grievances she’d endured initially, from being teased by her tutoring students to being indirectly reprimanded by parents when the tutoring showed no immediate effects, to the fright of being scared on her ride home by a drunkard—all of it surged over her at once, turning her nose sour and her chest cold.
In a flash, she felt as if none of it was worth it.
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No matter what she did, in Xiao Wanqing’s eyes, perhaps she could only ever be seen as an ignorant child.
Sniffling, Lin Xian struggled to get Xiao Wanqing to release her grip, heartbroken and desperate to push away the woman she both loved and was vexed by.
Yet the moment Lin Xian managed to wriggle free, Xiao Wanqing seemed to suddenly comprehend, immediately holding her even tighter. Her voice was low and gentle, carrying a hint of regret: “You wanted to buy a gift for me, don’t you?”
The girl continued to push her away, her voice a whining, defiant tone: “No, it’s not, definitely not for you!” Anyone could tell it was a petulant denial.
She heard it—Xiao Wanqing softly chuckled in her ear, a delighted and tender sound. Then came the gentle, detailed kisses, one by one, upon her earlobe, her cheek, her lips. Eventually, they landed on her lips, and on her heart.
Lin Xian tasted the bitterness of her own tears.
Soon, Lin Xian’s world was filled only with the sweetness between Xiao Wanqing’s lips and teeth.
Lin Xian felt like she was about to suffocate. Her heart was pounding as if it would burst from her chest any moment, her head was spinning, her body weak, and yet she couldn’t bear to pull away.
Much later, with her arms around Xiao Wanqing’s neck, she softly gasped for air, her voice tender and weak. Then, she heard Xiao Wanqing’s voice close to her ear—husky and gentle, tinged with a teasing laughter, lingering as she said, “Have you learned now?”
Ah, the shame and indignation were enough to kill her!
LP: Communication is key! And that Yan Jia… damn
