The Prime Minister’s Daughter and the Marquis’s Fool – Chapter 156
by Little PandaThis Child Awaits Your Triumphant Return
Qu Sheng was in the middle of a discussion when she heard that Qu Jinian had entered the palace. She hastily dismissed everyone to go and greet him.
“Father.”
Qu Sheng stared at Qu Jinian, clad head to toe in armor—a sight she couldn’t recall ever seeing in her life. His temples were already white with age, his prime long past, yet Qu Sheng could still see the shadow of his heroic, vigorous youth.
Qu Jinian looked at his daughter in her court robes. Though she had been returning to the residence over the past month, they had hardly seen each other.
“Your Third Brother is still alive. I’m worried your Third Uncle will act rashly and get him killed,” Qu Jinian said in a low, heavy voice.
Qu Sheng heard the unspoken meaning in his words. “Does Father wish to go there personally?” she asked.
“They released the news that Ting’er is alive at this specific moment to provoke your Third Uncle into a reckless advance. This father is worried something will happen,” Qu Jinian continued. Every word pointed toward his desire to go to the Northern Frontier, yet he never once asked Qu Sheng for command of the troops.
“Those petty kingdoms of the Chemu Tribe are nothing to fear. As long as Father is willing to hold down the Capital City, this child can crush them all within a month.”
Hearing Qu Sheng’s bold claim, Qu Jinian glanced up at her. “The Chemu Tribe may be a small nation, but they have allied with five other kingdoms. Tiansheng has never fought them before. I fear they may use unconventional tactics that will be difficult to counter.” These neighboring states had never paid tribute; their sudden aggression was a clear sign they had seen through the instability of Tiansheng’s court.
The external appearance of civil war and plague had sent them a signal.
“Father, let’s go inside first,” Qu Sheng said. They had been standing at the entrance to the hall for some time.
Earlier that day, Lin Jianhai had suddenly vomited blood. Lin Xizhao had rushed to the Lin Residence with the imperial physicians, and there was still no word on his condition. Before Lin Xizhao left, Qu Sheng had already sent someone to ask Liu Wuxiang to join the consultation.
Qu Jinian and Qu Sheng entered the hall. He surveyed its layout; though not magnificent, the dais carved with coiling pythons and tigers made Qu Sheng’s ambition plain to see.
“Father, please,” Qu Sheng said, gesturing for Qu Jinian to take the main seat.
Qu Jinian glanced at it but did not move. He looked at Qu Sheng and said, “Our Qu family has been a line of loyal subjects for generations. Our ancestor once swore an oath—”
“Father, did our ancestor know that our Qu family would be decimated by the House of Sheng? I can’t even protect myself. If we continue on as we always have, how can Father possibly protect our family, young and old?”
Qu Jinian’s expression froze. He looked up at the daughter standing before him, recalling how Emperor Baoguang had shielded the culprits when he had sought justice for Qu Ming and Qu Yu in the palace. And then there was what he later learned from Prince Fucheng—that Emperor Baoguang had orchestrated his own son’s death, and the death of Lin Xizhao’s birth mother.
And now, with Qu Ting… he couldn’t help but suspect that when Emperor Baoguang had sent the Qu family to the Northern Frontier, he had harbored the vicious intent to wipe out all the young men of their clan.
The sons of the Qu family had met with disaster one by one, all because of the House of Sheng. If their ancestor knew, would he have changed the oath he made?
Qu Jinian lowered his gaze, silent for a long time. Qu Sheng stood there, growing somewhat vexed by her father’s stubbornness. Once she had the throne, couldn’t she just treat the House of Sheng well?
“This father needs two hundred thousand troops to reinforce your Third Uncle.”
“Father!” Qu Sheng had spoken at length, but it seemed Qu Jinian hadn’t heard a word.
Qu Jinian raised a hand, signaling for her to stop. “We will discuss everything else after this father has pacified the Six Kingdoms of the Northern Frontier.”
“Father…” Hearing this, Qu Sheng knew he had finally listened. “Father, please hold down the capital,” she said quickly. “Leave this matter to this child.” She had been rubbing her hands in anticipation, eager to go to the Northern Frontier for a long time.
“No. I’ve heard you plan to redistribute the land in the country. This is an excellent move, but you must pay close attention to the reactions from below. Do not lose the greater good for a small gain, and do not be impatient for results. Listen more to the opinions of those at the bottom.”
“This child understands, but—”
The deep-seated problems in Tiansheng were not limited to land, but the issue of land was the very water in which the common people swam. Whether it was clear or murky determined their foundation, the very basis of the nation. It had to be done.
“This father has been on horseback for many years and has more experience than you. This trip to the Northern Frontier is also extremely dangerous. Since I, Qu Jinian, cannot be a loyal subject to a monarch, I must protect the common people. I will not rest until I die.”
“Father…”
“Say no more.” Qu Jinian raised a hand to stop her protests, then suddenly looked up and provoked her deliberately. “Or is it that you cannot even trust this father?”
“No, of course this child trusts Father. The military authority over the capital’s forces is yours to command. This child awaits your triumphant return.”
Qu Sheng had relented. A smile finally appeared on Qu Jinian’s face. He reached out and stroked his daughter’s dark hair. “Just like me.”
In his youth, Qu Jinian had possessed the same courage and strategic mind as Qu Sheng. It was a pity that the old Marquis Qu’s strictures had stripped him of that former spirit.
“I only need two hundred thousand troops. During this period, there must be no more internal conflict. Remember that!” Qu Jinian gave his final instruction.
Qu Sheng nodded solemnly. As long as Qu Jinian was of one mind with her, she feared nothing.
Qu Sheng accompanied Qu Jinian to the Capital Suburbs Camp and personally saw him select two hundred thousand elite soldiers. She urged him again and again to leave the next day, to allow the family to see him off, but Qu Jinian refused. “I have already said my goodbyes to your mother,” he said. “Everything that needed to be said has been said. How can one be hesitant when marching to war?”
That afternoon, Qu Jinian led the army out from the capital’s suburbs, with provisions and baggage trains following close behind. Qu Sheng sat on her warhorse, watching the great army march away, not returning until dusk fell.
Upon entering the city, Qu Sheng headed straight for the Lin Residence. Lin Xizhao hadn’t sought her out all day, nor had she sent a message. Qu Sheng was starting to worry.
She strode into the residence. A number of imperial physicians were still waiting in Lin Jianhai’s courtyard. They had arrived that morning and had yet to leave.
Qu Sheng drew closer, and the physicians bowed.
She glanced toward the inner rooms. “How is it inside?”
An imperial physician lowered his head. “Reporting to the General of the Flying Cavalry, King Wenze vomited blood today. The ailment is in his abdomen, caused by stagnant liver qi and ascendant liver yang. His internal fire is too strong. If it is not relieved soon, I fear a great illness is imminent.”
Qu Sheng frowned and walked inside. Lin Xirui and Lin Xikuan, who had the day off, were standing to one side, watching Lin Xizhao try to feed Lin Jianhai.
Lin Jianhai’s eyes were dull and lifeless. A moment after Lin Xizhao fed him, he would vomit it all back up. Everyone in the room was at a loss.
Qu Sheng looked at Liu Wuxiang, who stood nearby, and asked in a low voice, “Physician Liu, how is King Wenze’s condition?”
Liu Wuxiang stroked his beard and shook his head. “A sickness of the heart1 is difficult to cure. This old man can temporarily alleviate his condition, but he must come to terms with it himself.”
Lin Xizhao had previously told Liu Wuxiang what Lin Jianhai’s sickness of the heart was about. He understood, but he had no remedy.
Hearing them speak, Lin Xizhao glanced over. When she saw Qu Sheng standing there, the fortitude she had been holding onto seemed to show signs of crumbling.
Lin Xikuan saw this and said softly, “Ajie, let me feed Father.”
Lin Xizhao looked down at the bowl of soup in her hands, nodded, and passed it to Lin Xikuan. “Slowly,” she instructed.
“Yes.” Lin Xikuan nodded in agreement and took the bowl from her.
Lin Xizhao rose and walked toward Qu Sheng. Qu Sheng waited for her, and when she drew near, they exchanged a look and went outside.
“Physician Liu told me before that Father’s anxieties might affect his health,” Lin Xizhao said, a hint of self-reproach in her voice. “A few days ago, I saw him get up on his own, so I didn’t think much of it. Who knew it would come to this in just a few days.”
Qu Sheng’s lips pressed into a thin line. “Does Wife hate me?”
If one were to trace the source of Lin Jianhai’s sickness, it seemed to all stem from her.
Lin Xizhao looked at Qu Sheng, her expression uncomprehending. “Why would you say that?”
“I was the one who sent troops to pull Emperor Baoguang down. I was the one who, despite the objections of those around me, forcibly kept Wife by my side. The illness in Father-in-law’s heart was caused by me. Doesn’t Wife hate me?”
Hearing Qu Sheng take all the blame, Lin Xizhao’s face showed a moment of confusion, but her eyes were gentle. “If I did not want it, who could possibly control me?”
Qu Sheng knew Lin Xizhao’s temperament. If she had been unwilling from the bottom of her heart, there was no way Qu Sheng could have kept her by her side.
A tight curve formed at the corner of Qu Sheng’s lips. She pulled Lin Xizhao into her arms. “I will find more physicians for Father-in-law. He will definitely get better.”
Leaning against Qu Sheng’s chest, Lin Xizhao felt a sense of support, and her sorrow lessened. She wanted Lin Jianhai to recover quickly, but if even Liu Wuxiang was helpless, how could they stop him from sinking into melancholy and sickening himself with resentment?
For the next few days, Lin Xizhao did not go to the palace. Qu Sheng, upon returning each day, would also stay at the Lin Residence.
Zhao Jiayu, having free time, would bring her daughter over to visit Lin Xizhao. Lin Jianhai’s condition worsened by the day. Qu Sheng issued a public notice, offering a reward of ten thousand taels of gold for any physician who could treat him.
Lin Xikuan and Lin Xirui took turns watching over him every night. Since the last time he had spoken, Lin Jianhai had remained silent. Only when Lin Xirui was on watch at night would his gaze fixate on him.
Seeing his father staring at him so intently, Lin Xirui’s heart finally softened. He stopped holding a grudge and spoke to him. “Father, why must you fixate on what cannot be changed? Second Brother, Ajie, and I will all serve you. You just need to live out your days in peace. When Second Brother and I marry and have children, we will still want you to help us teach them.”
Hearing Lin Xirui’s words, Lin Jianhai was stunned at first, and then his eyes slowly grew moist. Lin Xirui quickly took out a handkerchief and wiped the tears from the corners of his father’s eyes.
“Ah… I…” Lin Jianhai hadn’t spoken in so long that his voice was too hoarse to be understood.
“What does Father want to say?” Lin Xirui asked him urgently.
Lin Jianhai opened his mouth, but ultimately gave up trying to speak. His throat was in agony.
The next day, Lin Xirui told Lin Xizhao and Lin Xikuan that their father had spoken. Liu Wuxiang came to see him, prescribed medicine, and checked his pulse.
After drinking the medicine, Lin Jianhai was able to speak within half a day. Though his voice was raspy, he was intelligible. Lin Xizhao fed him while Lin Xirui and Lin Xikuan waited by the side.
Qu Sheng had left early to handle court affairs, so Lin Xizhao hadn’t been able to see her off.
After he finished eating, Lin Jianhai looked at Lin Xirui. “I want to speak with Rui’er,” he said, his voice weak.
Lin Xizhao turned to look at Lin Xirui, as did Lin Xikuan. Lin Xirui exchanged a glance with his brother and sister and nodded.
Lin Xizhao collected the bowl and chopsticks, got up, and led Lin Xikuan outside.
Lin Xirui stood before the bed. Lin Jianhai turned his head to look at him. “Sit,” he said, his breath faint.
Lin Xirui did not hesitate. He sat down and asked, “What does Father wish to speak with me about?”
“Are you still angry with me?” Lin Jianhai asked directly, without any preamble.
If Lin Jianhai hadn’t brought it up, Lin Xirui could have controlled his resentment and temporarily set it aside. But hearing his father suddenly say this, his chest tightened. Still, he flatly denied it. “It’s all in the past. Father need not dwell on it. We will provide for you in your old age and see you off at the end2.” He had evaded the question.
No matter how much Lin Xirui hated him, he would never harbor the same malicious intent as Lin Xikuan. He hated him, but he was powerless. On one side was his mother, on the other, his father. His mother was imprisoned for harming others, while his father killed his mother out of blind loyalty to the throne.
If the authorities had been the ones to execute his mother, perhaps his hatred wouldn’t be so intense. Lin Jianhai was her husband. How could he have been so ruthless? He had even imagined that if he had been the one in that prison cell, Lin Jianhai would have just as readily struck the fatal blow.
And then there was his cruelty toward Lin Xikuan that year. Looking back now, it seemed he had wanted to kill him. Lin Xikuan had tricked his own sister back to the residence and used despicable means to force her to marry the former Crown Prince. If Qu Sheng hadn’t arrived in time, he feared he would have been collecting Lin Xizhao’s corpse before the night was over. How could Lin Jianhai, as her father, not know how fiercely proud Lin Xizhao was? To sacrifice his wife and children for his so-called integrity and reputation—it was utterly laughable.
With such a heartless father, he didn’t even know where to begin to find it in himself to forgive him.
The room fell into a dead silence. Tears once again streamed from the corners of Lin Jianhai’s eyes. Lin Xirui sat watching, wondering if those tears held any remorse.
“Xikuan hates this father. He wants to see this father dead. This father doesn’t blame him—”
“Father, watch your words!” Lin Xirui cut him off. “Second Brother has been running himself ragged over your illness, taking turns with me every day to watch over you. For you to tell me he has a mind to harm you—if Second Brother were to find out, wouldn’t it break his heart?”
Lin Jianhai was stunned by Lin Xirui’s sharp rebuke. After a long moment, he gave a bitter laugh. He knew it would be like this.
Every night, Lin Xikuan would taunt him, keeping him awake. If he told anyone, no one would believe him. Just like when Lin Xikuan had poisoned him—not a single person had believed him.
It made sense. He had killed Lin Xirui’s mother, so of course he hated him. Of course he would speak up for his full brother, Lin Xikuan. Even if he knew the truth, he would likely pretend not to.
He had raised three children, and every one of them hated him. There were probably few fathers in the world as much of a failure as he was.
Choked by Lin Xirui’s words, Lin Jianhai fell silent. Lin Xirui, still fuming over his father’s slander against Lin Xikuan, saw that he wasn’t speaking and angrily turned and left.
Lin Xizhao saw him come out. “What did Father say to you?” she asked quickly.
Lin Xirui was still angry, but hearing his sister’s gentle voice, his temper subsided. “Father brought up the matter of Second Brother poisoning him again,” he replied.
“Poisoning?” Lin Xizhao had heard Liang Lianhui mention this before, but there was no sign of poison in Lin Jianhai’s body. The food he was served had been carefully checked and was clean. She had felt that they had wronged Lin Xikuan.
He had already turned over a new leaf, yet they were still guarding against him as if he were a thief. It was truly hurtful. Lin Xikuan, however, had been magnanimous about it, saying he understood and wasn’t angry. He had done too many awful things in the past, so it was only right for them to be cautious. But he also swore that he would never poison Lin Jianhai.
He had even said that he already had an official post in the court—Qu Sheng had promised him a position in the Ministry of Revenue. His future was bright. Why would he tarnish his entire life and career with the crime of patricide?
Lin Xizhao glanced at Lin Xikuan, who stood beside her, silent and looking somewhat aggrieved. After a long moment of thought, she went inside.
She wanted to ask Lin Jianhai why he kept saying Lin Xikuan was poisoning him, whether he had proof or something else, but Lin Jianhai refused to speak again.
As night fell, Lin Xizhao stood by the gate of the Lin Residence, watching as the carriage from the palace pulled up. After a moment, Qu Sheng alighted.
A smile touched Qu Sheng’s lips as she walked to Lin Xizhao’s side. “Wife doesn’t need to wait for me here every day,” she said softly. “I’m not a child anymore.”
Lin Xizhao’s eyes curved. “My Sheng’er isn’t a child, but I want to see you sooner.”
“Wife…” Qu Sheng gazed into Lin Xizhao’s eyes, which seemed to be veiled in a mist, holding something that sparkled.
If they weren’t at the residence gate, she really would have scooped Lin Xizhao up and kissed her thoroughly.
They walked back into the residence together. Lin Xizhao asked if anything vexing had happened at court that day. Qu Sheng knew Lin Xizhao was worried about Lin Jianhai and didn’t want to add to her burdens, so she only reported the good news. “Wife previously told me to keep Zhai Zhong. The man can indeed be entrusted with important tasks. Xikuan is also performing well. When the time is right, I will have the two of them start from the southern waterways and gradually work their way from Jiangnan to Jiangbei.”
Lin Xizhao nodded in approval. Qu Sheng took the cup of tea Lin Xizhao offered her. “How is Father-in-law?” she asked, taking a sip.
“He spoke today, but only with Xirui,” Lin Xizhao replied.
“What did he say?” Qu Sheng set the cup on the table and stood up.
Lin Xizhao began to help Qu Sheng out of her court robes, undoing the jade belt at her waist. “Father is still saying that Xikuan poisoned him and wants to harm him.”
Qu Sheng blinked. “The food Xikuan brought before was all checked by Fifth Uncle, and there was no poison. Physician Liu and the imperial physicians also diagnosed that Father-in-law was not poisoned. Could there be some misunderstanding?”
Lin Xizhao removed the court robes and shook her head. She walked toward the inner room. “Father has been paranoid lately. I suppose that after killing Yu-shi with his own hands, he’s afraid Xikuan and Xirui will seek revenge.”
Lin Xizhao had asked Lin Xirui before, and he had told her everything. They had accidentally overheard Lin Jianhai admitting to killing their mother from outside his room.
Lin Xirui made no secret of his hatred for Lin Jianhai, though Lin Xikuan had not expressed an opinion.
Lin Xizhao found a clean set of clothes for Qu Sheng and tied the sash at her waist. “Dinner is ready. You came back a little late today, so I let Xikuan and Xirui eat first.”
Qu Sheng nodded, not minding.
These past few days while she was staying here, she would always go to the dining hall to eat with them and take the opportunity to discuss court matters.
Lin Xirui, now working at the Ministry of War, had gotten the lay of the land. Qu Sheng had asked him to write up some proposals for reorganizing military deployments. It seemed he was more at ease at the dinner table, daring to speak his mind.
After dinner, the two of them returned to the Qu Residence. With Qu Jinian gone, they were worried about Jin Yunfei, so they went back to check on her from time to time, and also to see Qu Yu.
Zhao Jiayu knew they were coming and rushed over with the baby without needing to be announced. The little one gurgled with laughter upon seeing Qu Sheng and Lin Xizhao, stretching out her little arms for Lin Xizhao to hold her.
Lin Xizhao would hold her, but it wouldn’t be long before Qu Sheng took over. Lin Xizhao’s constitution was delicate, and the baby was plump. Qu Sheng worried the little girl would weigh her down.
But back at their own residence, she didn’t mind weighing Lin Xizhao down herself.
Hot lips rose and fell at the hollow of her collarbones, making Lin Xizhao arch her long neck. A long moan escaped her, her voice half-suppressed. The heat of a tongue tip sent a shiver of pleasure through her entire body.
Lin Xizhao lay on her side, turning her head to look at Qu Sheng behind her. The moment their eyes met, Qu Sheng’s lips claimed hers.
As their lips and tongues entwined, Lin Xizhao felt as if her body, under Qu Sheng’s control, had strayed onto some wonderful, divergent path.
She found herself increasingly unable to withstand the new bedroom games Qu Sheng came up with, yet she savored every moment.
A long while later, Lin Xizhao nestled in Qu Sheng’s arms, utterly content. When she looked up at Qu Sheng, the tenderness in her eyes was so profound it seemed about to spill over.
Gazing at Lin Xizhao’s watery eyes, Qu Sheng’s lips curved up unconsciously. Lin Xizhao’s boneless beauty at that moment made her heart race. Qu Sheng shifted, propping herself up to look down at the person beneath her.
Lin Xizhao’s pliant, yielding expression was an unbearable temptation.
Qu Sheng held Lin Xizhao, rolled over, and settled her on top of her own body, then slowly drew her upward.
At first, Lin Xizhao didn’t know what Qu Sheng intended, not until she had cooperated, kneeling on the bed with her hands gripping the headboard. Only then did she understand.
Every uncontrollable, soft moan was an expression of a pleasure that left her speechless.
Much later, Qu Sheng, her lips glistening, gently lowered the pliant Lin Xizhao. Once she was lying down, however, Qu Sheng had no intention of letting her go…
It was not until the dead of night, after they had bathed, that their passion finally subsided for a time.
The next morning, Lin Xizhao overslept. By the time she woke, Qu Sheng had already gone to the palace. Before leaving, Qu Sheng had instructed the servants that no one was to disturb Lin Xizhao until she woke on her own.
Someone was looking after Lin Jianhai. They were father and daughter, and Lin Xizhao had to care for him; Qu Sheng couldn’t interfere. But she also didn’t want Lin Xizhao to exhaust herself.
During court that day, Qu Sheng had the Emperor issue several secret edicts, sending Lin Xikuan, Zhai Zhong, and others out to begin the land reassessment and redistribution with the force of a thunderbolt.
Qu Sheng had already replaced many of the officials in the Tongshui area, hoping their journey would not meet with too much resistance.
After dealing with some court matters, Qu Sheng hurried back to the Lin Residence. Lin Xizhao was packing for Lin Xikuan, instructing servants to prepare some necessities for him.
“Ajie, keeping it simple is fine,” Lin Xikuan said, feeling his sister’s deep concern for him. He was sincerely grateful to her.
Lin Xizhao’s brows curved into a smile. “You’ve never traveled far. This is your first time away, and we won’t be there with you. You must take good care of yourself.”
“Yes, Xikuan will.” Lin Xikuan stood to the side, nodding, his eyes slowly growing moist.
“Sheng’er has entrusted this important task to you. You must not fail her,” Lin Xizhao added.
Lin Xikuan nodded. “Ajie, rest assured, Xikuan knows what to do. If I did not have the ability to handle this, I would never have dared to accept and risk ruining the important matter Sheng-meimei has assigned me.”
Qu Sheng stood by the door, listening to the siblings’ conversation. A slight smile on her lips, she walked in.
Lin Xizhao was still packing clothes. Lin Xikuan saw Qu Sheng and bowed. In the privacy of the residence, he called her, “Sheng-meimei.”
Qu Sheng nodded in return, her gaze shifting to Lin Xizhao, who had turned around.
Lin Xizhao saw the look on Qu Sheng’s face, practically radiant with success3, and thought of last night. She felt so shy that she bit her lip for a second and turned her face away, unable to look at her.
Seeing Lin Xizhao turn away, Qu Sheng’s smile faltered for a moment. She glanced at Lin Xikuan, who was snickering to the side.
When Lin Xikuan caught Qu Sheng’s frozen smile, he quickly stifled his laughter. “I’ll go say goodbye to Father first,” he said.
Neither Lin Xizhao nor Qu Sheng responded. After Lin Xikuan left, Qu Sheng walked up behind Lin Xizhao and wrapped her arms around her, resting her chin on her shoulder. “Why is Wife ignoring Sheng’er?”
Lin Xizhao glanced back. The servants in the room took the hint and left. Seeing them go, Qu Sheng tightened her embrace.
Lin Xizhao watched them leave, then placed her hand over Qu Sheng’s on her slender waist. “Have you had lunch?” she asked, a note of resignation in her voice.
“No. Sheng’er is waiting for Wife to feed her.”
Hearing Qu Sheng mention being fed, Lin Xizhao’s mind, for some reason, went astray, filled with images of their lovemaking. Her face flushed. She shot Qu Sheng a reproachful look. “Shameless.”
The author has something to say:
Jin Yunfei: “Stop trying to take credit for yourself, you old fossil. The daughter I gave birth to, I said from the beginning, takes after me. Don’t you dare try to claim a connection, you old stubborn mule. How could my daughter be like a man!”
Qu Jinian: “…”
Qu Sheng: “…”
Lin Xizhao: “…”
Leaving a comment gets you a red envelope, giving out two hundred.
The angst is about to start. Are you ready?
Footnotes
- Xīnbìng (心病), literally 'heart illness,' is a concept in traditional Chinese medicine for an ailment rooted in emotional or psychological distress rather than a purely physical cause. It implies that the patient's worries, grief, or obsessions are the true source of their physical symptoms.
- Yǎnglǎo sòngzhōng (养老送终) is a phrase describing the ultimate filial duty in Chinese culture: to care for one's parents in their old age and to arrange their funeral upon their death.
- Chūnfēng déyì (春风得意) is an idiom that literally means 'to be pleased with the spring breeze.' It describes someone who is flushed with success and happiness, as if riding on a pleasant spring wind.
What angst!!?? omg i did not sign up for this 😭😭🤧🤧