The Alley Was Always This Long – Chapter 1
by Little PandaPrologue
The first snowflake of this winter.
[The sky looked like the face of a girl who had just cried.
Cheng Xiang lay on the zebra crossing with half-open eyes. The usually bustling street had turned into an empty city, and the first snowflake of this winter landed on her fine hair.]
【Xiao Xiang’s Phone Memo: Day 291 since breaking up with TTR.】
What the hell was TTR? It was laughable.
Cheng Xiang lay on her stomach on the narrow single bed, clutching her phone. Her chin pressed so hard into the pillow that it squeezed out wrinkles like the God of Longevity, her two thin legs kicking idly behind her in the air.
Outside, Director Ma’s radio happened to be playing: “Who knew that my lifelong love is for natural1 beauty…”
Cheng Xiang’s heart skipped a beat. She leaped up, rushed out of the room, and shouted, “You’re an old Beicheng local! Instead of Peking opera, why are you listening to Kunqu opera!”
“You little brat, you scared me to death!” Director Ma raised an orchid finger2 and clutched her chest. “I’ve been married to an old Haicheng local for twenty-seven years, aren’t I allowed to listen to a little delicate Kunqu?”
Director Ma, originally named Ma Xintong, was the Neighborhood Committee Director for this stretch of alleys, and served part-time as Cheng Xiang’s mother.
Cheng Xiang slammed her door shut. She flopped back onto her bed, grabbed her phone, and fixed her eyes on the three letters “TTR.”
Ugh, so annoying.
She had set this memo on her phone’s home screen specifically to train her own withdrawal reflexes. She had hesitated back and forth, ultimately lacking the courage to even type “Tao Tianran,” settling instead for the ridiculous “TTR.”
As a result, just hearing the word “natural” in a Kunqu opera lyric was still enough to send a shiver through her whole body.
Cheng Xiang rolled over, pressing her foot against the trunk of a parasol tree next to her bed. Funny, really—her little room in the courtyard house was considered an “illegal construction” back in the day, built right around an un-felled parasol tree that now grew right through the center.
Weather3. Talent. Heavenly troops.
Nature. Indeed. Carefree and content.
Ugh, truly, so annoying.
Cheng Xiang scraped her big toe against the grooves of the old tree bark. How could Tao Tianran’s name form so many phrases?
So many that it made her desire to forget Tao Tianran feel like an absurd joke.
【Xiao Xiang’s Phone Memo: Day 304 since breaking up with TTR.】
Cheng Xiang figured that if she ever died in this lifetime, it would definitely be from choking on the massive pies her boss drew in the sky.
Her boss sat at her workstation, speaking with impassioned fervor, his spit practically flying onto her face. If she sniffed closely, she could even deduce that his breakfast had been a chive turnover from the second stall down the street.
“Don’t complain about back pain from working overtime; becoming a millionaire is not just a dream!” The boss slammed his hand on the desk. “Little Cheng, go make Nisanna’s chest a bit bigger. At least make her an F-cup.”
“Mm-hmm… wait, what?”
Cheng Xiang worked as a concept artist at a game company. Not a massive corporation that made something like “King’s Pesticide4“, but a small one. Extremely small. Just a little matchbox of an office in a commercial building where the hallways permanently smelled of green pepper stir-fried pork.
The company had specialized artists for drawing beards, drawing chins, drawing arms and legs. Cheng Xiang was the one specifically responsible for drawing breasts.
After two years, it had actually given her an occupational hazard. Every night, exhausted as a dead dog while squeezing onto the subway, she would catch herself unconsciously staring at other women’s chests.
The girl sitting opposite her, seeing Cheng Xiang’s harmless face, assumed she was simply lamenting her own small chest and feeling envious. The girl offered her a sympathetic smile.
That smile completely bewildered Cheng Xiang. She couldn’t help but look down at her own chest.
Is it really that small?!
“Nisanna” was a female character in the company’s upcoming game. She had silver-wheeled twin guns holstered on her thighs, honey-colored skin, and terrifying combat power.
“But Boss,” Cheng Xiang said, “Nisanna’s character trait is agility. Her movement skills are maxed out. If her chest is that big…”
“Why are you overthinking it?” Her boss waved a hand. “A big chest is what attracts male players. Never mind the character traits. Just make the chest as massive as possible and you’ll be fine.”
Cheng Xiang pursed her lips.
Logically, in a team containing the far-sighted eagle, the battle-hardened wolf, and the agile leopard, she was simply the fish muddying the waters.
Yet she opened her mouth, licking her lips which had gone dry from the heating. “No.”
“What?” Her boss’s eyebrows shot up. “You don’t want to work here anymore?”
“Right.” Cheng Xiang took off her employee badge and set it on the desk.
Quitting in real life wasn’t like the old Hong Kong TV dramas she’d watched as a kid, where the urban beauty strode away stylishly carrying a neat cardboard box. She was carrying a yellow woven Meituan takeout bag containing a keyboard, pencils, and a half-used pack of tissues. The cold, late-autumn wind of the north slapped aimlessly against her face.
Cheng Xiang really wanted to give herself a cold slap in the face too.
Quitting without a backup plan? Look at you. Do you have a literal gold mine at home?
She suspected her brain had flooded with water. As she slunk dejectedly along the base of a wall carrying her woven bag, she raised her eyes and looked across the street. There, suspended on a CBD skyscraper, was a massive poster. It featured a pair of earrings inspired by the harp sponge found 3,500 meters deep in the Californian ocean—a design that had just won this year’s “AGTA Spectrum Awards.”
Beside it, a line of small clerical script noted the designer who had become the first ethnically Chinese person to win the award—「Tao Tianran」.
The tip of Cheng Xiang’s nose turned red from the cold wind. Her tongue pressed against the back of her teeth.
Oh, so her brain hadn’t flooded with water. It was just that at noon, while gnawing on a sandwich on the roof, she had seen this poster.
She remembered when they were filling out their college applications in their senior year of high school. She had shamelessly pestered Tao Tianran, asking, “What do you want to do in the future?”
Tao Tianran, perhaps unable to bear the harassment any longer, had finally lifted her cold, thin eyelids on the eighteenth time of asking. “Jewelry designer.”
“That’s so impressive!” Cheng Xiang had clapped her hands together, revealing two rows of small white teeth like little shells. “I’m going to be the most amazing manga artist! Do you know what Sakata Gintoki5 said? He said the manga characters who stand out the most are the ones where you know exactly who they are just by looking at their silhouette.”
“I’m going to draw characters with that much distinctiveness.” Cheng Xiang had smiled sweetly, leaning her snow-white elbows on Tao Tianran’s desk. She cupped her cheeks, her eyes sparkling as she looked at Tao Tianran. “Maybe in the future, the posters of us winning our awards can be hung right next to each other. Hey, wouldn’t that be awesome?”
【Xiao Xiang’s Phone Memo: Day 365 since breaking up with TTR.】
Hahahahaha.
Staring at the solitary cake on her coffee table, Cheng Xiang suddenly felt an inexplicable urge to laugh aloud.
Why was she so obsessed with a sense of ceremony? Buying a cake for their one-year breakup anniversary. She wondered if Tao Tianran even remembered that today marked exactly one year since they split.
Definitely didn’t remember.
【Xiao Xiang’s Phone Memo: Day 378 since breaking up with TTR.】
“Why do you have a rubber band wrapped around your wrist?” Director Ma asked Cheng Xiang.
Director Ma was probably the most dedicated neighborhood committee director in the entire world; she even micromanaged the rubber band on her daughter’s wrist.
Cheng Xiang lifted her wrist. “Ah, just because.”
“You have short hair, right?” Director Ma stared at her.
“I was planning to grow it out, but the stylist said it didn’t suit me.” Said her hair was too thin, bah!
“With a bob cut like yours, you don’t even need a rubber band, do you?”
“What do you mean bob cut! This is called a blunt cut.” Cheng Xiang flicked the ends of her hair. “Cool, right?”
After brushing off Director Ma, Cheng Xiang returned to her room. She pulled the black rubber band back until it was on the verge of snapping, then suddenly released her fingers.
Mother of God! It hurt so much she bared her teeth.
But this psychological trick wasn’t… wasn’t working at all.
They said if you thought of someone you didn’t want to think about, you should snap the band. She had snapped her wrist until there were practically bloody welts, yet wasn’t she still thinking about her anyway?
【Xiao Xiang’s Phone Memo: Day 383 since breaking up with TTR.】
“Have you really not cried since you broke up with Tao Tianran?”
“Nope, haven’t.” Cheng Xiang sat in a cafe with her good friend Qin Ziqiao. She scrunched her nose, still feeling an itch, and raised a hand to rub it. “Not even once.”
“Alright, you’re tough.” Qin Ziqiao gave her a thumbs-up.
Cheng Xiang laughed, heh heh heh.
“You were the top, right?”
Cheng Xiang: “…Huh?”
“You’re the top, so you don’t shed tears easily, right?” Qin Ziqiao’s gaze drifted down to Cheng Xiang’s chest. “Plus, you’re so, um…”
Fuck, why does it feel like I just took an arrow to the chest?
Cheng Xiang feigned anger. “I’ll jump up and hit your knees!”
Qin Ziqiao nodded in sudden realization. “Oh, right, you’re also shorter than Tao Tianran. A short top6.”
Cheng Xiang: …
“Have you figured out where you want to travel?” Qin Ziqiao stirred her latte, trying to find ways to coax Cheng Xiang into talking more.
Ever since breaking up with Tao Tianran, Cheng Xiang had been wanting to take a trip to clear her head. Previously, when she was a corporate slave, she was too busy and couldn’t find the time. Later, it was simply indecision holding her back.
“Let’s go to Thailand.” Cheng Xiang rubbed the tip of her nose again. “After all, I still haven’t found a job, and I don’t have much savings left. Thailand is cheap.”
“Thailand is pretty good, but watch out for telecom scams.”
Her phone rang. Cheng Xiang turned her wrist and answered, “Hello.”
“I’m at the cafe.”
“It’s just me and Qin Ziqiao.”
“Alright, come on over.”
After she hung up, Qin Ziqiao asked, “Who was that?”
“Xiao Xiao.”
“She’s coming to find us?”
“Yeah, said she has something going on.”
Within two minutes, Xiao Xiao arrived in a hurry, wearing a small crossbody bag. She sat down in front of Cheng Xiang and lowered her voice, her tone sounding like someone selling pirated DVDs under a footbridge. “Jianghu emergency!7“
“Hm?” Cheng Xiang frowned along with her.
“The cousin-nephew of the cat belonging to the niece of my seventh great-uncle is sick. Waiting on money for surgery.”
“How much?”
“Eight thousand, eight hundred and eighty-eight.”
“Hss…” Cheng Xiang’s brow furrowed slightly.
What a coincidence. That was exactly the money she had set aside to travel to Thailand and sign up for a manga training course.
Eventually, she raised her hand and rubbed away the little knot of tension between her eyebrows. “I’ll give it to you.”
“Thanks, Xiangzi!” Xiao Xiao hooked an arm around her neck. “You’re a lifesaver.”
Under the table, Qin Ziqiao kicked Cheng Xiang fiercely in the ankle.
After Xiao Xiao left, Qin Ziqiao immediately raised her voice. “Are you an idiot or what? What kind of cat surgery costs exactly eight thousand, eight hundred and eighty-eight? Isn’t she just asking for money to subsidize her good-for-nothing boyfriend?”
“What if?” Cheng Xiang smiled again, showing her two rows of little white teeth. “A cat’s life is still a life.”
Qin Ziqiao sighed. Cheng Xiang’s face was simply too obedient-looking. She wasn’t exceptionally beautiful, but she had fine, pale skin and round pupils. When she listened to people talk, she always unconsciously scrunched her face to match their emotions, piling up two delicate little silkworm-rolls8 under her eyes. She was as well-behaved as a…
Well, not a rabbit. More accurately, she looked like a fancy rat. It made you feel too bad to even scold her.
【Xiao Xiang’s Phone Memo: Day 391 since breaking up with TTR.】
Cheng Xiang had no idea why a loser like her was even attending a class reunion.
But Director Ma had said, “An extra friend is an extra path; an extra enemy is an extra wall.” Then she immediately started humming and singing: “Little nemesis, what are you doing9, acting like a fool~”
As she sang, she started wiping away tears. “Do you know how hard the rain was falling the day Yiping went to ask her dad for money? Oh, the tragedy of it!”
…What kind of chaotic association skills did Director Ma have?
Though, considering she herself was so prone to vivid imagination and empathy, maybe she had inherited it from Director Ma?
Running into Xiao Xiao at the class reunion would be a good chance to ask about the cat that needed surgery.
Xiao Xiao arrived late. It wasn’t until Cheng Xiang went to the restroom that she heard Xiao Xiao’s voice ring out outside her stall, chatting with a best friend.
“Did your boyfriend buy that motorcycle?”
“He bought it.”
“Weren’t you short almost ten thousand?”
“Mhm~” The sound of a mascara tube twisting open. “I got it.”
“How did you get it?”
“Asked Cheng Xiang, obviously. She’s always been as warm-hearted as a fool anyway. Tell me, if she wasn’t like that, would Tao Tianran ever have agreed to be with her?”
“But shamelessly pestering someone is useless anyway. Didn’t they break up half a year after graduation?”
“Hmph. A genius jewelry designer and an unemployed shut-in. If they didn’t break up, were they supposed to keep each other around for the New Year? I think…” The sound of the mascara tube twisting shut. “Actually, Tao Tianran never liked Cheng Xiang at all. She rarely ever even smiled at her, right?”
Cheng Xiang leaned her back against the door of the stall, staring at the swirling patterns on the tiled wall.
It looked like a giant comma. It also looked like a smiling mouth, pointing right at her:
Hee hee hee, ha ha ha, heh heh heh, cluck cluck cluck.
Cheng Xiang’s stomach churned. She let out a breathy hiccup and raised the back of her hand to cover her mouth.
【Xiao Xiang’s Phone Memo: Day 400 since breaking up with TTR.】
“Look how overcast the sky is. It looks like a bowl of black sesame paste10 turned upside down.”
Cheng Xiang: …
Why did Director Ma not only love two-part allegorical sayings, but also insist on using food for every single metaphor?
Deputy Director Cheng—parenthetically, Deputy Director Cheng was the Deputy Director of the neighborhood committee, and served part-time as Director Ma’s husband and Cheng Xiang’s father. Deputy Director Cheng licked his lips. “The heating is making it so dry. I really want to eat some liangpi.”
“Me, me, me.” Cheng Xiang sprang up from the sofa. “The liangpi stall at the market, right? I’ll go.”
She was unemployed and sitting at home every day. Since she tried to give Director Ma living expenses and was refused, the least she could do was run errands.
“You better hurry up, it looks like it’s going to snow any minute.” Director Ma grumbled as she kneaded dough. “The snow is coming late this year. It’s already the end of December and we still haven’t seen the first snow.”
Cheng Xiang grabbed her phone and headed out, glancing at her memo.
Oh, 400 days. That was a pretty meaningful milestone. Should she buy another cake?
Her brain short-circuited and she tapped into her WeChat block list. Heh heh heh, she suddenly laughed out loud. An auntie walking past with a cabbage jumped a meter away, looking at her as if she’d just bumped into SpongeBob SquarePants in broad daylight.
She was just laughing—who would have thought? The one who initiated the breakup and blocked Tao Tianran was her!
If she lived to be in her seventies or eighties reminiscing about the past, she could still brag to the younger generations of her family: “You know that genius jewelry designer Tao Tianran? We used to date back in the day, and I was the one who dumped her. She’s still sitting on my block list right now!”
Her finger hovered loosely in the air, right over the 「Unblock」 button.
Had Tao Tianran actually ever tried to send her a WeChat message?
A trace of coldness touched the tip of her nose. She looked up at the sky. The snow still hadn’t fallen; the chill just now must have been an illusion. But Director Ma was wrong, Cheng Xiang thought. Today’s sky didn’t look like an overturned bowl of black sesame paste. It looked like…
HONK—!!!
The television dramas always got it wrong. When a truck is barreling toward you, you don’t just see a flash of white headlights like the gates of heaven opening. You can see the front grille, the scratched paint, the black plastic casing next to the headlights, and the scribbles the driver’s daughter had drawn on the side: “xxybzd.”
With a BOOM, the moment Cheng Xiang’s body was thrown into the air, wasn’t that the freest moment of her life?
But in the next second, her body plummeted back to the ground, as heavy as a broken ragdoll. Cheng Xiang didn’t notice the grotesque angles her twisted limbs made. She turned her head for the last time, her eyelids half-closed, her gaze falling on the shattered phone lying nearby.
She hadn’t actually meant to take Tao Tianran off the block list just now, but when the truck rushed at her, her hand had trembled, and she clicked it.
The countless messages from Tao Tianran that she had imagined, hoped for, and endlessly dreamed of did not flood in.
There were none.
Not a single one.
Cheng Xiang slowly turned her head back and let out a long breath from her chest. The scent of blood was actually sweet, like candied hawthorn. Her phone was quiet. The zebra crossing was quiet. The world was quiet.
The sky she looked at for the very last time actually looked like the face of a girl who had just cried.
Like that face she had never dared let herself openly cry with.
Cheng Xiang closed her eyes. The first snowflake of the winter drifted down, landing in the gaps of her eyelashes, half-melting against the last remaining warmth of her life before sliding down the corner of her eye.
Has anyone ever dated someone with the absolute, near-desperate devotion of an unrequited crush?
Xiao Xiang had.
The author has something to say:
How many of you arrived in the classroom on time?
There will be a rain of 100 red envelopes dropping from the classroom ceiling soon~
Footnotes
- A famous line from the classical Kunqu opera 'The Peony Pavilion' (Mǔdān Tíng). In this context, it triggers Cheng Xiang because the word for 'natural', tiānrán, is the identical pronunciation of her ex-girlfriend's name, Tao Tianran.
- An 'orchid finger' (lánhuāzhǐ) is a delicate hand gesture with the thumb and middle finger touching while the other fingers are extended, often used in traditional Chinese opera to signify femininity or elegance.
- Cheng Xiang is listing words that contain the Chinese characters of Tao Tianran's name: 天 (tiān, meaning sky/heaven) and 然 (rán, meaning nature/correct).
- A playful parody of the massive hit Chinese mobile MOBA game 'Honor of Kings' (Wángzhě Róngyào).
- The protagonist of the popular Japanese manga and anime series 'Gintama' (Yínhún).
- In Chinese internet slang, 'gong' (gōng) refers to the 'top' or the more dominant partner in a same-sex relationship. 'Short top' teases Cheng Xiang for her height compared to her ex-girlfriend.
- A dramatic, somewhat theatrical phrase originating from martial arts fiction (jiānghú jiùjí), used when someone is in desperate need of immediate financial or physical help.
- In Chinese beauty standards, 'lying silkworms' (wòcán) refer to the small, plump mounds of muscle just below the lower eyelashes that become prominent when smiling, considered cute and youthful.
- Lyrics from a song in the popular 2001 Chinese romance television drama 'Romance in the Rain' (Qíng Shēnshēn Yǔ Méngméng). The character Yiping also famously asks her father for money in the pouring rain, which Director Ma immediately references next.
- A popular traditional Chinese dessert soup (zhīmahú) made from roasted black sesame seeds, rice, and sugar. It is thick, dark, and viscous.
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