Peaches and Plums Don’t Speak – Chapter 38
by Little PandaWhat Does It Feel Like to Like Someone?
Yan Xi wasn’t entirely sure why her conversation with Anzhi had reached a stalemate. Anzhi had never been very willing to reveal her inner thoughts, even from a young age. No matter how upset she was, she would just hide somewhere and cry in secret. Only after Yan Xi asked with great patience would Anzhi cautiously reveal a little, which was truly heart-wrenching.
Yan Xi had originally thought that now that Anzhi was in her adolescence, she would want her space. She had been worried that Anzhi didn’t have friends her own age, so she was relieved when Yang Mengmeng appeared, and she knew they got along well. Shouldn’t kids at this age dislike adults interfering too much? But judging from what Anzhi just said…
Yan Xi felt both tenderness and amusement.
Looks like she’s still a child who likes to stick to me.
“How’s the new semester?”
They were in the dining room, sitting across from each other and drinking homemade lime and kumquat honey water.1
Anzhi bit her straw. “It’s okay. There’s an English speech competition the week after next.”
“Oh? Are you participating?”
Anzhi nodded. She had to. The first prize was five hundred yuan, and she wanted that money for something.
Yan Xi watched her with an approving gaze, an unconcealable smile in her eyes. “Are you still angry?”
Anzhi shook her head stiffly.
Yan Xi thought for a moment and said, “I’m not trying to interfere with you making friends…”
Anzhi looked at her. “I’m not trying to be friends with Chen Wei. He’s the one pestering me.”
Yan Xi’s expression turned a little more serious. “Should I tell your homeroom teacher, then? Or should I have a chat with his parents?”
Anzhi was silent for a long while before saying, “That won’t be necessary…”
Yan Xi pondered silently: Maybe Taotao likes this boy too, and she just hasn’t realized it yet?
In Yan Xi’s view, there was no “too early” or “too late” for love. It was perfectly normal for feelings for the opposite sex to start budding during adolescence. Forcibly suppressing them would only be counterproductive. Yan Xi hoped Anzhi could grow up to be cheerful and lively.
With that in mind, she smiled. “Actually, it’s good for you to make more friends. Boys are different from girls, after all. They have different perspectives. If you can get along with them…”
“We don’t get along. I don’t want to be his girlfriend!” Anzhi said stiffly.
Yan Xi froze, stunned for two seconds, then burst out laughing.
Anzhi puffed up her cheeks. “Other adults don’t allow boys and girls to get too close, but you, you… so you’re that kind of adult!!!”
Yan Xi was amused by her reaction and waved her hands. “No, no, I’m not that kind of adult… pfft… I just want you to make more friends…”
Anzhi stared at her with her cheeks puffed out.
Yan Xi blinked. “So, is this Chen Wei pursuing you?”
Anzhi knew Yan Xi was teasing her now. She wasn’t quite used to this kind of conversation, but the way Yan Xi smiled at her was so beautiful.
“…”
Yan Xi stood up and sat down next to her. “I spoke with him for a bit just now. He doesn’t seem like a bad student… What do you think of him?”
Anzhi didn’t like this topic of conversation. Nor did she like Yan Xi’s interest in it.
“He’s dumb, his grades are bad…”
“…” Yan Xi almost laughed out loud again. Her disdainful tone was almost identical to how she used to complain about her homework being too easy and her classmates being childish back in kindergarten and elementary school.
“But Yang Mengmeng thinks he’s handsome, and he’s on the school basketball team. That’s pretty cool, don’t you think?”
Anzhi said, “I don’t think so.”
Yan Xi was asking purely out of a desire to understand her niece’s psyche. “So, does Taotao prefer someone with better grades? The study-tyrant type?”2
Anzhi: “…”
“…”
Seeing Anzhi’s face scrunched up in clear resistance to the topic, Yan Xi raised her hands in surrender. “Okay, okay, I won’t ask anymore. No more gossip.”
Anzhi lowered her head, her body language still expressing dejection. Yan Xi thought for a moment, then patted her on the shoulder. “Alright, if you don’t like Auntie asking about these things, I won’t ask anymore in the future, okay?”
“To be honest… I’m not mentally prepared for my Taotao to be pursued by someone. But… you’re so cute, I think I need to get mentally prepared sooner rather than later.”
She moved closer as she spoke. This wasn’t even the closest they’d been. Anzhi smelled that familiar fragrance on her. For so many years, Yan Xi’s body wash and perfume had never changed—always gardenia. Anzhi used it too, but it seemed the same fragrance smelled different when it evaporated from different people’s skin, quietly seeping into the flesh and mixing with a faint trace of sweat, making even this common scent unique.
She said she was cute.
She knew perfectly well it was just how adults praised children.
And some nonsense about needing to be mentally prepared for her to be pursued.
Anzhi’s mood, however, suddenly went from sunny to partly cloudy. She lowered her head, bit her straw, and drank her lemonade.
Yan Xi’s eyes curved imperceptibly. “By the way, I don’t have any urgent work this month, so I can get off early. How about I pick you up from school?”
Anzhi’s head shot up. “Really?”
“Really. I should have time to take you to school in the morning, too, so you won’t have to ride your bike by yourself.”
“Ah! Okay! Okay!” Anzhi nodded, a huge smile spreading across her face.
Yan Xi felt a little wistful inside.
Treasure this moment, Yan Xi. She still clings to you. She’s just entered adolescence and isn’t very rebellious yet. She still needs you.
Gazing at her happy smile, Yan Xi’s lips also curled up happily. She couldn’t resist reaching out to pinch her cheek.
So smooth and tender, so supple. It felt so nice.
Honestly, even though she’d grown so much taller and was a young lady now, she was just as cute as ever.
You need to adapt to this change as soon as possible, Yan Xi.
The adult Yan Xi told herself this for the Nth time. She stood up, ready to end today’s conversation.
“Auntie, what does it feel like to like someone?”
Yan Xi looked at her, amused. “Didn’t you say you don’t like Chen Wei? You don’t know what liking someone means?”
“I know I don’t like him, but I don’t know what it means to like someone,” Anzhi’s troubled expression made it seem like she was facing a problem she couldn’t solve.
Yan Xi sat back down. “Then what are the signs of not liking someone?”
“You don’t look forward to seeing him, you don’t like talking to him, he’s a bit annoying…” Anzhi pouted childishly.
Poor Chen Wei. Yan Xi silently lit a candle for him in her heart.3 “Then the opposite of that is liking someone,” she said with a smile.
“But, but…” Anzhi tried to explain her confusion. “I’m like that with Yang Mengmeng… We’re always chatting and talking, and we hang out together…”
“That’s different… that’s just friendship. For romantic love, you need a little something else…”
Anzhi turned her head to look at Yan Xi. It seemed that saying this had triggered a memory for her. Yan Xi’s eyes gazed elsewhere. They were already close, and Anzhi could almost feel the fluctuations of Yan Xi’s thoughts.
“What kind of something?” Anzhi pressed.
Yan Xi brought her gaze back, and in that instant, she seemed to pull herself out of her memories as well. She smiled. “That’s something you should discover for yourself.”
“Huh? Tell me!”
Yan Xi gently pinched her cheek. “I can’t give you spoilers.”4
“For now, it’s good enough that you know what you don’t like. You’ll probably understand when you’re a little older.”
Anzhi let her pinch her cheek, muttering in dissatisfaction, “You always say I’ll understand when I grow up. What if, what if I don’t understand!”
Yan Xi shook her head and smiled. “You will. Humans may not understand what love is, but they will absolutely know whether they like someone or not, because… that’s something you can’t lie about.”
Yan Xi’s tone was light, but it held a meaning Anzhi couldn’t quite grasp. Anzhi looked at her lips, which were still rosy even without lipstick, and her slightly lowered lashes, which were long and curled.
Anzhi asked, as if driven by ghosts and gods,5 “Auntie, do you have someone you like?”
The surroundings were very quiet. Yan Xi was taken aback for a moment.
Then she said, “Yes…”
Anzhi’s eyes widened, her heart inexplicably speeding up.
Yan Xi said softly, “I did.”
She seemed unwilling to say more. Anzhi pressed her lips together, unsure if she could continue asking. But she was truly curious.
Yan Xi raised an eyebrow. “What else do you want to ask?”
Anzhi was a little embarrassed. She unconsciously stirred the ice cubes left in her finished drink.
“What kind of person does Auntie like…?” she asked in a small voice, lowering her head. Her heart still hadn’t slowed down. She felt a perplexing nervousness she had never felt before.
She thought Yan Xi wouldn’t answer.
“I like people who are sincere and gentle.”
Yan Xi truly wasn’t used to discussing such topics with Anzhi, especially when it came to her own emotional world. But she could never refuse Anzhi, so after some thought, she gave her that answer.
She did indeed like sincere and gentle people, but in this fickle and restless mortal world,6 such souls were few and far between. It seemed that after the passionate love of her youth had passed, she had never again met anyone who could make her pause.
After Yan Xi went upstairs, Anzhi washed the glasses in the kitchen. Clear water flowed over her fingers. She looked out the window at the community’s dim and scattered lights.7
The longing to grow up was hard to suppress.
The author has something to say:
I’m so frustrated. I’m forcing myself too much, aren’t I? I’m just not cut out for writing.
Footnotes
- A popular refreshing drink in China made with fresh lime, kumquat, honey, and water.
- 学霸 (xuébà) is slang for a top-performing student who ‘dominates’ academically.
- ‘To light a candle’ (点蜡) is internet slang for mourning or praying for someone, often used humorously for a pitiful situation.
- ‘Jùtòu’ is modern slang for ‘spoiler,’ derived from Japanese.
- A Chinese idiom (chengyu) meaning to do something inexplicably or on an impulse, as if guided by supernatural forces.
- ‘Hóngchén’ (lit. red dust) is a Buddhist/Taoist term for the mortal, secular world, with all its temptations and troubles.
- A literary phrase, ‘dēnghuǒ lánshān’, describing a scene where lights are waning or festivities are ending, often evoking a sense of melancholy or loneliness.
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