Selfish Thinking
The torrential rain raged, the world suppressed by an extreme dampness and watery mist, bringing a suffocation to both body and mind.
Bai Xin knelt over.
Cheng Jiqing subconsciously held Bai Xin’s back, her face was cupped, forced, it seemed, to tilt her head up to meet the kiss that suddenly fell upon her.
Rain this heavy showed no signs of stopping.
The air conditioning was off, because the wind blowing on sweaty skin made one shiver and shrink back.
The radio was singing—
‘Now I’m shaking, drinking all this coffee… And there’s one thing that I need from you, Can you come through…’
‘現在我渾身發抖，喝着咖啡……我只需要你做一件事。你能來到我身邊嗎？’1
Bai Xin’s hand guided her over, the white skirt hem piling up at her wrist.
The radio was singing—
‘through, yeah’
‘Can you?’
Cheng Jiqing pressed the person down; the roaring sound of the downpour, like thunder, screamed by the deserted roadside, swallowing all the frenzied, intense sounds. Bai Xin sat down completely.
Fine beads of sweat trickled down Cheng Jiqing; Bai Xin’s body leaned back slightly, her hands propped on Cheng Jiqing’s shoulders, gasping for air.
Their eyes met in the dimness; the Omega’s peach blossom eyes were tinged with red, as if she would cry in the next second. Cheng Jiqing’s gaze was deep and dark; she couldn’t help but be a bit rougher.
The car and the curtain of rain isolated them from the world.
Cheng Jiqing suspected the window wasn’t closed tightly, letting rainwater flow in, soaking her black pants damp.
But no one had the mind to check.
The sky was dimly brightening; the rain was no longer so urgent.
From time to time, cars passed by them. After a short while, someone holding an umbrella walked past. Cheng Jiqing gently raised her hand to cover Bai Xin’s lips; her fingers felt Bai Xin’s breath…
Cheng Jiqing thought, she truly had been taught well by Teacher Bai; when would she ever have done such a thing before? One transgression, and then madness every time.
The sky was really about to brighten.
Yet, the person was still not sated. Cheng Jiqing was pulled along, from being led to actively succumbing to temptation, her rationality disappearing again and again. She exerted all her strength, and was also indulging.
This time, not even the rain could hide them.
The front passenger seat was reclined all the way. Cheng Jiqing hadn’t yet gone mad to the point of losing consciousness; she bent down to pick up the clothes from under the car seat.
Bai Xin couldn’t drive anymore. She drove the car to the downstairs of Bai Xin’s apartment complex, then went to the passenger side to carry the person out. There was no umbrella in the car.
Just like that, they returned to the apartment.
The two of them entered the room soaking wet, without even taking off their shoes. Cheng Jiqing carried the person into the bathroom…
The door closed.
Outside the window, the rain drizzled on. Bai Xin had returned home once yesterday, so there was still a fresh bouquet of red lilies in the house, thoroughly moist. In the shadows, the stamens were an indecent shade of crimson.
As if they had come alive.
Past seven o’clock.
Bai Xin had no strength left and fell asleep. Cheng Jiqing was also tired. Before falling asleep, she sent a text message to Tang Jia, asking her to inform the hospital.
After Bai Xin said, ‘Let’s run,’ she, as if driven by a whim2, had resolutely run off with her. When they ran, neither said anything. Now that rationality had returned, so had her sense of morality.
If they just left like this and couldn’t be found, the person on duty would definitely be held responsible.
Afterward, she sent another message to Cheng Jing.
Only then did she turn off her phone and turn her head to look at the person in her arms.
This was the third time Bai Xin had fallen asleep in her arms, but each time gave her a different feeling. The first time was shock and helplessness, the second time was incredulity, and now, her heart was pounding.
Perhaps sensing her movement, Bai Xin frowned, her hand moving weakly on Cheng Jiqing’s waist.
Cheng Jiqing reined in her thoughts, a smile involuntarily appearing in her eyes.
Hospital VIP ward.
Cheng Jing stood by the window, pinching her phone, her fingertips white from the force. What more did she have to do?
Cheng Jiqing said she had let go.
Was such resistance letting go?
She should have known, Chengcheng couldn’t possibly let go.
It was she who mistakenly thought everything could return to how it was at the beginning.
“President Cheng, the hospital staff said there was a problem with the surveillance room cameras yesterday due to the rain, so there’s no footage for these few hours this morning.”
Cheng Jing said coldly, “No need to check.”
Cheng Jiqing had just sent her a text message—Sorry, I discharged myself early. Don’t worry about me. I’ll go to the company in a couple of days.
Cheng Jing had arrived over an hour ago, bringing freshly made congee. As soon as she entered the room, it was empty. Upon asking, no one knew where Cheng Jiqing had gone.
She had said she would come to pick her up, yet Cheng Jiqing still left.
After completely disappearing, she only sent her an inconsequential text message.
Cheng Jing closed her eyes. The transparent window was stained with rainwater. It was still pouring when she was on her way here. Where was Cheng Jiqing at that time? If she knew Cheng Jing had come through the rain and waited for over an hour, would she not be so hard-hearted towards her?
She even suspected whether Cheng Jiqing still resented her, and was therefore deliberately tormenting her like this.
Cheng Jing turned and walked out of the ward. Secretary Liu, observing her expression, said in a low voice, “President Cheng, Miss Tu called just now.”
“What for?”
“She just asked if I knew where you were.” It was still early morning; she was also surprised that the call came at this time, fearing something might be wrong, so she asked a bit more. But the other end, upon hearing Cheng Jing was at the hospital, said nothing and hung up.
Cheng Jing said nothing. Tu Xiuxiu had called her several times last night; she hadn’t answered.
Leaving the hospital, she got into the car. Cheng Jing sat in the back seat, took out her phone, paused for a moment, tapped on missed calls, and dialed.
No one answered.
Cheng Jing didn’t wait too long; after seven or eight seconds, she lost patience and hung up.
In these three years, she had somewhat understood Tu Xiuxiu’s temperament. She seemed obedient and submissive, but occasionally she would throw tantrums and act willfully. Sometimes for a few days, sometimes for as long as a month.
After leaving last time, Tu Xiuxiu hadn’t come to find her again. It had been about half a month now.
When the call came last night, she was looking at the online posts about Cheng Jiqing’s photos, thinking about Cheng Jiqing’s sudden concern about the fire in the ward, so she didn’t answer.
At this moment, she had no extra energy for Tu Xiuxiu.
At that time, Tu Xiuxiu didn’t answer the phone, so she just assumed she was deliberately being willful.
Cheng Jing put down her phone. To her, Tu Xiuxiu was a good lover, often able to ease her emotions, especially in certain aspects that suited her very well.
But in the end… she was just a lover.
Usually, coaxing her was fine, but now she wasn’t in the mood.
“Xiuxiu-jie, aren’t you going to answer President Cheng’s call?”
Tu Xiuxiu looked at the disconnected call on the wooden table and didn’t answer.
The assistant beside her held a cotton swab dipped in blood-activating ointment and said with distress, “That bastard last night was too ruthless. If the security guard hadn’t come in time, who knows what would have happened… This is all bruised from pinching. If President Cheng knew, she definitely wouldn’t let her off.”
Tu Xiuxiu’s eyes were bloodshot from a sleepless night. The frog fastenings on her qipao were loose, yet her every move was still gentle and elegant. She smiled mournfully, “Did you think I didn’t call?”
It was just that Cheng Jing hadn’t answered.
“After all, it was so late, maybe she didn’t see it, or it was on silent.”
Tu Xiuxiu didn’t speak, tilting her neck slightly. The cool ointment on her skin couldn’t stop the pain.
She knew Cheng Jing’s habits very well. To put it simply, if the person who called last night had been Cheng Jiqing, it would have been an entirely different scenario.
She had been with Cheng Jing for three years. She gave her first time to Cheng Jing. When Cheng Jing took her under her wing, she only said, ‘From now on, sing only for me.’ And from then on, she really did sing only for her.
But she could never seem to wait for her to come.
Before, she thought it was because Cheng Jing was busy, thought that when Cheng Jing said those words, there was at least an element of affection. Later, she found out that Cheng Jing always had someone in her heart.
And this person was Cheng Jing’s younger sister, Cheng Jiqing…
Even so, last night when she was almost humiliated, the first person she thought of was still Cheng Jing. Her last call was made with tears streaming down her face.
Cheng Jing didn’t answer.
When she got up just now and saw the horrifying bruises on her neck, she suddenly felt a trace of despair. She had had enough of such days.
But that hope still tugged at her—what if Cheng Jing really was busy? Cheng Jing had also not answered calls before when she was on business trips and dealing with jet lag.
So she called Secretary Liu. One question, and she understood everything.
It was still Cheng Jiqing.
It was always Cheng Jiqing.
“Don’t cry… Xiuxiu-jie.”
Tu Xiuxiu was startled, not realizing she had been crying. The tip of her little finger, with its slightly long nail, brushed across the corner of her eye, a graceful gesture. She raised her hand to stop the assistant’s application of ointment, saying, “You can go out.”
She looked at herself in the mirror. Before, she most disliked women in plays who lost themselves, ravaged by love. Now, she had become such a person.
Changed beyond recognition, never able to go back.
She was just thinking, if Cheng Jiqing knew that the older sister she thought was her kin was actually fake, and even loved her, this younger sister, Cheng Jing probably wouldn’t even be able to see Cheng Jiqing’s face.
Could Cheng Jing withstand such a blow?
She would probably go mad.
She remembered a sentence from a book she had recently read, 《Shang An》. It was said by a villain trying to separate the two protagonists.
She said to the queen—When you start to hate someone, you will want to destroy everything she cherishes, even if your actions are despicable, you want to make her suffer, to console yourself.
Bai Xin opened her eyes. The light in the room was faint. She moved, only feeling a soreness in her lower back.
She could hear faint footsteps outside the room. It was rare for her to sleep so soundly. She didn’t know when Cheng Jiqing had woken up…
Her throat was uncomfortably dry. Holding the thin blanket against her chest, she sat up and saw a glass of water already placed on the table.
Bai Xin took a few sips and reached for the phone on the table.
There were several WeChat messages on the silenced screen. She opened them. Zhou Yushu’s was from last night, Tang Jia’s was from this morning.
Zhou Yushu: 【If I ask why, you definitely still won’t say.】
Zhou Yushu: 【Cheng Jing’s side is also withdrawing it.】
The previous few messages were about her asking Zhou Yushu to take down the trending topic.
It was the one that had risen later—#Searching for the Angelic Beauty from the Fire#
This kind of thing wasn’t actually hard to take down. Because it concerned portrait rights, as long as the Cheng Corporation’s PR lawyers went to negotiate, it could be easily handled.
But Bai Xin still mentioned it.
That photo was too eye-catching, too many people had seen it… The comments below were even more unrestrained.
There were even some calling her ‘wife’.
Unbearable to look at.
Bai Xin didn’t reply. She opened Tang Jia’s message.
【Boss Bai, President Cheng came looking for her sister early in the morning. You’re really dancing in a minefield.】3
【But to think of deleting the surveillance footage while eloping, you still have some rationality.】
At first, she didn’t. Because at that time, after she said ‘run,’ Cheng Jiqing agreed.
At that moment, she didn’t have much rationality…
Perhaps at that time, neither she nor Cheng Jiqing had much rationality.
In the dead of night, Cheng Jiqing pulled her hand and they left the hospital. They seemed like lovers recklessly fleeing everything, heedless of consequences, as if they had gone mad.
The car drove through the heavy rain, temporarily escaping external constraints, undisturbed, unknown to anyone.
She might never forget this night for the rest of her life.
She would even less forget being in the car, on top of Cheng Jiqing, wantonly enjoying the peak of ecstasy. It was raining outside, they were sweating, and amidst the deafening roar of the downpour, they reached the summit together. Finally, they embraced, trembling, not even squeezing into the cracks of their bones was enough.
More than just possessiveness born of desire, it was more joyful than simple desire.
After half a minute, Bai Xin slowly came back to her senses and typed: 【Can PTSD be cured?】
Before leaving the hospital, Cheng Jiqing didn’t seem to have slept much either. She wasn’t sure if this illness was also a reason.
So, regarding the matter of that fire, she hesitated until the end and asked nothing.
【Yes, it can be treated with medication, but most cases still require extensive psychological intervention. However, each person’s tolerance for this process is different; some people can’t bear it and find it painful. But generally speaking, it can be cured.】
Bai Xin paused when she saw the word ‘painful’.
From the conversation between Cheng Jiqing and Cheng Jing last night, some things could also be discerned. Cheng Jiqing had forgotten some things about that time after experiencing the fire.
If it could be cured, perhaps she could remember some of the secrets hidden by the Cheng family and Bai Zhaoliang respectively.
This meant Cheng Jiqing’s psyche would need to face that fire again. Bai Xin hesitated again.
Bai Xin typed: 【Understood.】
She leaned against the headboard in silence. Cheng Jiqing’s scent still lingered in the blanket, a scent she constantly craved. That was no longer just due to the constitutional sensitivity triggered by 3S.
Tang Jia: 【By the way, the medication to alleviate your constitution has been progressing well recently, so we need to draw blood one more time now.】
Seeing the message, Bai Xin suddenly remembered that Cheng Jiqing had touched her second gland… But everyone’s body is different; even if there was a slight difference, Cheng Jiqing wouldn’t ask anything.
After all, when it flared up, its appearance wasn’t even as obvious as the one on her neck.
Of course, the susceptibility was doubled.
She looked at the latter half of the sentence.
Cheng Jiqing had to have five tubes of blood drawn each time she went. She unconsciously frowned.
She hadn’t replied yet when Tang Jia added: 【The aftereffects of the inducer itself were just a pretext; the treatment medication has long existed. We used your special constitution and your intolerance to those drugs as an excuse to have Cheng Jiqing draw blood. Your current physical report doesn’t even have this component anymore. Which means this excuse isn’t entirely foolproof.】4
Tang Jia sat in the car downstairs from the hospital. She was actually reminding Bai Xin to think clearly about her every step, and the possible consequences each step might carry.
Bai Xin and Cheng Jiqing’s state was clearly no longer a so-called contractual relationship, especially the matter of withdrawing the trending topic last night, and even earlier, the Lan Qi incident…
Zhou Yushu had even called her last night, smoking a cigarette, asking her: What on earth is Bai Xin thinking?
She said she didn’t know.
Actually, they both knew perfectly well5.
It was just that she and Zhou Yushu had different amounts of information, so their worries were different. Zhou Yushu worried if Bai Xin would fall too deep; she worried that if things continued like this—
Once it came to light, would Bai Xin herself be affected?
Moreover, she had seen yesterday’s trending topic. A person with PTSD could still save someone at such a time; Cheng Jiqing was undoubtedly a good person.
Even she felt a little reluctant to go through with it.
Bai Xin stared at WeChat until the screen automatically went dark. Only then did she lift her head to look at the sliver of a gap in the window.
She knew what Tang Jia was reminding her of.
Bai Xin’s fingers clutched the blanket.
She couldn’t put herself in danger just because of a little fondness for Cheng Jiqing. She couldn’t let Cheng Jiqing know these things yet.
In her long-standing self-preservation instinct, once the dual glands were exposed, her 3S identity might also be discovered. The thought of this made her feel insecure.
More importantly, with Cheng Jiqing’s intelligence, it would be easy for her to connect all the dots.
This was also why she absolutely had to have a contractual marriage with Cheng Jiqing—if Cheng Jiqing knew, would she still care about her?
【Get the medication ready as soon as possible.】
Bai Xin got out from under the blanket, reached out, and pulled the curtains open. The drizzle was fine and dense, not as satisfying as a downpour.
Wait until the medication is ready.
This way, even if Cheng Jiqing found out the truth and wanted to leave, she would have a guarantee. No, with the agreement in place, Cheng Jiqing wouldn’t leave. If she left Cheng Jiqing, she would have nothing. The initiative was in her hands.
Bai Xin’s thoughts were urgent. She forced herself to become the indifferent, cold-blooded Bai Xin of the past.
Using the most selfish thinking, weighing the pros and cons, without emotion, without being messy6.
She thought she probably wouldn’t choose to tell Cheng Jiqing, wouldn’t proactively invite risk. She didn’t want this kind of risk to appear.
What if one day it did?
Bai Xin shook her head in annoyance. She was overthinking. She wouldn’t think about it anymore.
Bai Xin looked at the city in the mist, still somewhat gray. The tall buildings were like a mirage; it seemed as if once the rain stopped and the sun shone in, everything would disappear.
She suddenly remembered Cheng Jiqing from the early morning, in the car, the woman whose body had truly coexisted with hers.
Her gland throbbed slightly. Bai Xin raised her hand to touch her neck. Cheng Jiqing, in passion, had bitten there, but not broken the skin.
Bai Xin heard another slight sound from outside. Cheng Jiqing still didn’t know that the soundproofing of this room door was very poor.
Cheng Jiqing placed the water glass on the coffee table. Because she was looking at her phone, she wasn’t paying attention to her strength, and the glass made a light, crisp sound on the coffee table.
She subconsciously glanced at the bedroom door, then looked back at her phone messages.
The trending topic on Weibo about the photos had already gone down, so she didn’t pay it any mind. Instead, she inadvertently saw a Weibo post forwarded by Tong Yanxi about the current auditions for 《Cat and Mint》.
She thought she still had to go get a replacement SIM card, otherwise she wouldn’t receive WeChat messages or emails.
Just as she was thinking, the bedroom door opened. Cheng Jiqing looked over. Bai Xin had come out wrapped directly in the air conditioner quilt. She was stunned for a moment, then said, “Why aren’t you wearing clothes?”
Her voice was a bit better than yesterday.
Bai Xin’s, however, was hoarse.
Bai Xin: “What time did you get up?”
Cheng Jiqing: “A little after two.”
She studied Bai Xin’s face: weary and fatigued, a little pale, but her lips were flushed red, who knows how many times they had been bitten.
Her gaze shifted slightly downwards; there was also a faint red mark on Bai Xin’s neck.
She walked over: “Does it hurt?”
Bai Xin looked up: “What?”
Cheng Jiqing knew she was being a little deliberate again. The corner of her mouth curved up, and she raised her index finger, pointing at her neck from a few centimeters away.
Bai Xin said: “My neck doesn’t hurt, but other places do a little.”
Cheng Jiqing was taken aback, her ears slightly warm. She coughed lowly and said, “My hand still hurts.”
Bai Xin raised an eyebrow. Cheng Jiqing didn’t tease her further: “I made you congee.”
“You’re not eating?”
“Tang Jia asked if I’m free to go for another blood draw this week. I won’t eat; it’s perfect to go on an empty stomach.”
Hearing this, Bai Xin’s expression froze slightly.
Cheng Jiqing didn’t notice Bai Xin’s subtle change and said gently, “Don’t you still have those inducer aftereffects? If they can research it out sooner, you’ll feel a bit better too.”
Bai Xin bit the soft flesh inside her mouth sharply. The stinging pain made her heart, which was about to soften and sink, harden again.
She remained silent, yet couldn’t explain why her heart suddenly felt heavy, why she suddenly felt flustered.
She only felt an urge to hold onto something immediately, to possess more, as that would make her feel more secure.
She stepped forward and hugged Cheng Jiqing. Because of this gratuitous movement, the thin quilt slipped down from her smooth, jade-like skin…
Bai Xin reached for Cheng Jiqing’s fingers, burying her face in Cheng Jiqing’s neck, and said hoarsely, “Kiss me.”
Cheng Jiqing lowered her eyes, her body as if drawn, bewitched by a siren’s charm7. She lowered her head to catch Bai Xin’s chin, making her look up.
A peck, then another…
Different from the urgent heat of the early morning, she was very light, as if afraid of hurting those already sufficiently rosy lips.
The rain outside had completely stopped.
It looked like the sky was about to clear.
The author has something to say:
Song 《comethru》
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