STT – Chapter 40

Are you not going to fight for yourself once?

Mother Jiang looked at Jiang Huaixi lying on the hospital bed, sighed deeply, and said: “Zizheng, the day you came to our home, our family was welcoming because over the years, we repeatedly asked Huaixi to bring you home for us to see, but she was afraid you would feel troubled and refused. After waiting for so many years, we finally hoped for your arrival, so we became somewhat overly curious, and after sending you back, there was some unhappiness. I guess you misunderstood something.”

Lu Zizheng was slightly stunned, hesitated, and then gently nodded. That day, the scrutinizing eyes of the Jiang family, and the layers of insinuations and words with hidden meanings, indeed made her feel like she was sitting on pins and needles.

Mother Jiang shook her head and explained: “That day, while Huaixi was not around, the things I said to you were just to implore you to be together with Huaixi and not waste each other’s precious time. Since Huaixi has chosen you, as a mother, I feel sorry for her, but I accepted it. However, I can’t bear to see her waiting for you, giving everything, yet gaining nothing. She may be willing, but I feel unsatisfied for her.” After saying this, Mother Jiang gave Lu Zizheng a deep look, “Zizheng, even now, I still say this to you: cherish the person in front of you; don’t let Huaixi wait any longer, okay?”

Hearing this, Lu Zizheng’s mind went blank for a moment. “Zizheng, as parents, we don’t ask for much from our children. My only request for Huaixi since she was young is for her to be safe and sound, to find someone who understands and cares for her, and if she wants, to have one or two children, to enjoy family happiness. Auntie’s request is not excessive, is it? Can you fulfill such a simple wish for Auntie?” That day, Mother Jiang’s words were still ringing in her ears, like a basin of cold water pouring over her, chilling her to the heart. But had she misunderstood all of this?

It seemed that Mother Jiang saw Lu Zizheng’s confusion and said: “That day, I hadn’t finished speaking, but Huaixi, afraid I would trouble you, hurried down and interrupted our conversation. Perhaps it was the unfinished words that made you overthink. If it has caused you any discomfort, Auntie apologizes to you.”

Lu Zizheng did not even have the strength to give a bitter smile, gently shook her head, and said softly, “Auntie, you are speaking too seriously.”

The wounds from those words, perhaps more so, were caused by her own being once bitten by a snake and fearing the well rope for three years, seeing shadows in a cup as snakes¹, so who can be blamed for this?

She looked at Mother Jiang’s expectant eyes on her, then reluctantly glanced at Jiang Huaixi, but felt somewhat desolate: “Auntie, you probably don’t know, I confessed to Huaixi, but she… gracefully rejected me…” At this point, Lu Zizheng recalled the despair and bewilderment of that day, and her eyes involuntarily reddened again.

Mother Jiang was obviously caught off guard, her expression stiffened, and she stared blankly at Lu Zizheng. After a long time, she gave a bitter smile and said, “Zizheng, I thought you would be Huaixi’s exception, but I didn’t expect…” The following words were swallowed back into her throat. Mother Jiang’s gaze turned to Jiang Huaixi in the hospital room, and she gently sighed, “Zizheng, Huaixi has a knot in her heart. For many years, I have been unable to make sense of it, and many years later, when I understood, I was powerless to untie it.” She turned her head, looking at Lu Zizheng with a somber gaze and said, “Zizheng, will you help Auntie, please?”

Lu Zizheng looked at Mother Jiang with her mouth agape, unable to speak, unable to respond with the word “okay.”

She felt as if there was a ball of thread in her mind, rolling around chaotically, becoming more and more tangled, making it impossible for her to make any sense of it. In her heart, it seemed as if there were a thousand voices clamoring, yet she couldn’t hear or distinguish anything. She didn’t understand why Jiang Huaixi, who obviously liked her, rejected her; she didn’t know whether to believe Mother Jiang’s words or Jiang Huaixi’s resoluteness that day; she was even more unclear about how, on the verge of collapse, she could possibly help Jiang Huaixi.

Not to mention, she no longer knew how much she really understood Jiang Huaixi.

Mother Jiang saw Lu Zizheng’s bewildered and helpless look, gave a bitter smile, and said, “It’s Auntie who is making things difficult for you. Zizheng, you don’t need to think too much right now. You only need to take care of yourself and let Huaixi be at ease, and that would be a great help to Auntie, okay? Can you promise Auntie this?” In her eyes, there was the familiar, long-missed maternal love and warmth that Lu Zizheng recognized.

Lu Zizheng bit her lip, gazing at Mother Jiang for a long time, and finally responded in a low voice, “Auntie, I promise you…”

Mother Jiang gave a faint smile, extended her hand, opened her arms, and gently embraced Lu Zizheng, soothing her in a warm voice, “Good child, Auntie knows you have been through a lot recently…”

Mother Jiang’s embrace was too warm. In the moment she was pulled into the embrace, Lu Zizheng was momentarily stunned, but in the next moment, upon hearing Mother Jiang’s gentle words, Lu Zizheng’s tears uncontrollably surged from her eyes. The long-held grievances and heartaches could not help but pour out wantonly at this moment. For the first time, Lu Zizheng cried aloud, feeling aggrieved like a child.

After Mother Lu left, Lu Zizheng always felt like an orphan abandoned in this world. She felt this world was desolate and shiveringly cold, and she tried hard to tightly hug herself with her arms in an attempt to warm herself, but it was all to no avail. She was like a drowning person, drifting in this vast, cold world, on the verge of drowning. She longed for a pair of warm hands to pull her to the surface, to give her a warm embrace, something she had longed for a very long time, but no one gave it to her, including Jiang Huaixi…

And now, Mother Jiang, like a mother, unexpectedly gave her a hug, gave her a bit of warmth she could grasp and feel, causing all her strong facades to crumble in an instant…

At this moment, she felt both warm and at peace in her heart.

Mother Jiang just kept gently patting her back, comforting, “Zizheng, don’t be afraid… don’t be afraid…”

When Jiang Huaixi woke up in the middle of the night, outside the hospital room, only Jiang Huaichuan was standing alone in front of the glass window, staring intently at Jiang Huaixi. Mother Jiang had been persuaded by Jiang Huaichuan to go rest, and Lu Zizheng, after her outburst, had also fallen asleep from exhaustion.

The moment Jiang Huaixi opened her eyes, Jiang Huaichuan keenly sensed it, and instantly, he was overjoyed, unable to restrain himself from gently tapping on the glass with his hand to make a slight tapping sound, attempting to attract Jiang Huaixi’s attention.

Sure enough, after a moment of confusion, Jiang Huaixi noticed, slightly moving her ink-black eyes to look towards Jiang Huaichuan.

Jiang Huaichuan mouthed silently to her, “Sister… Sister…”

However, after clearly seeing his face, Jiang Huaixi frowned, and after a moment, she weakly lifted the hand that was not receiving an IV from the hospital bed, slowly gesturing in the air…

Jiang Huaichuan was stunned and carefully recognized the words she was gesturing. In an instant, he felt both heartache and anger…

Zizheng, Lu Zizheng! Is there anything else in her heart besides Lu Zizheng?!

Jiang Huaichuan took a deep breath, full of helplessness, yet he still couldn’t bear to let her worry. He could only raise his hand and make an “OK” gesture towards Jiang Huaixi to reassure her.

Sure enough, Jiang Huaixi’s eyes had a faint smile, and instantly, they shone brightly.

Jiang Huaichuan saw her nod slightly towards him and then, tiredly again, she slowly closed her eyes…

Early the next morning, after Jiang Huaixi woke up, she requested to be moved to a regular ward. Mother Jiang and Jiang Huaichuan couldn’t persuade her otherwise, so they had to agree.

Mother Jiang, worried about Jiang Huaixi’s condition, went with Jiang Wang to find Jiang Huaixi’s attending doctor to inquire about the specific situation, leaving only Jiang Huaichuan in the ward to take care of Jiang Huaixi. Since the doctor said Jiang Huaixi could only drink some liquid food for now, Jiang Huaichuan specially went to several breakfast shops to buy what he considered the best porridge and personally fed it to Jiang Huaixi, spoon by spoon.

For a grown man doing this kind of thing, he was quite methodical, unexpectedly attentive and considerate, even remembering to lower his head and gently blow a few times before handing over the spoon.

Jiang Huaixi, feeling a bit embarrassed, reached out to grab the spoon from Jiang Huaichuan’s hand, weakly saying, “I’ll do it myself.”

Jiang Huaichuan retracted his outstretched hand, pouted stubbornly, and said, “No.” Saying this, he once again brought the spoon to Jiang Huaixi’s mouth.

Jiang Huaixi looked at the usually calm young man in front of her, who was rarely showing a childish appearance, and a smile gradually formed at the corner of her lips. Jiang Huaichuan’s stubborn brows and eyes, as he carefully blew on the spoon, gradually overlapped with the image of the little boy who used to stay by her bedside, coaxing her by saying, “Sister, eat the candy, and it won’t hurt.”

She finally opened her mouth and gently took in that spoonful of porridge, and then she saw Jiang Huaichuan’s silly, instantly beaming face.

After eating a few bites, Jiang Huaixi couldn’t help but ask, “Has Zizheng woken up? Did someone bring her food?”

Jiang Huaichuan paused in his actions, lightly snorted through his nose, and said, “Your sweetheart won’t go hungry.”

Jiang Huaixi frowned with amusement and said, “What kind of tone is that?”

Jiang Huaichuan unhappily drooped his face, silently handed a few more spoons to Jiang Huaixi, and after a long time, looked deeply at Jiang Huaixi, painfully asking her, “Sister, you love her so much, why don’t you dare to let her know? Can’t you fight for yourself just this once?”

He knew what she was afraid of, so he felt even more heartache and couldn’t bear her restraint.

When he was eight years old, he woke up one night and suddenly found that the sister who had always been close to him was cold as ice, treating him like air. He was aggrieved and confused, cried, made a fuss, begged, acted cute, and even threw tantrums at Jiang Huaixi, but none of it brought back even a sliver of her attention. Gradually, he gave up and chose to avoid Jiang Huaixi. When he was ten years old, after Jiang Huaixi’s final heart surgery was successful, she returned from the hospital. Before he could feel joy and excitement, she insisted on leaving home to recuperate at a remote vacation villa of the Jiang family. At that time, from Jiang Huaixi’s resolute eyes, he somehow realized that this time, her departure might truly be a distant farewell. Even though he hadn’t spoken to Jiang Huaixi for a long time, he still cried under the covers all night, unable to let go. On the day Jiang Huaixi was to leave, he sneaked into her room, opened the inner layer of her suitcase, and put in a family portrait he had drawn himself. Unexpectedly, in the inner layer, he saw a thick notebook, and as if guided by a mysterious force, he opened it…

The diary started from the day when he was eight years old, the day the little dog he and Jiang Huaixi raised died.

That day, both he and Jiang Huaixi cried their hearts out over the beloved dog’s death, and Mother Jiang, overwhelmed, comforted them and helped them bury the dog. To console them, she even promised to buy them another puppy, or even two if one wasn’t enough.

At that time, both he and Jiang Huaixi rejected their mother in unison, saying, “It’s not the same… even if you buy a hundred more, they won’t be the one we like…”

That night, he was exhausted from crying during the day, and no matter how sad, he couldn’t resist the deep sleepiness and slept soundly.

But Jiang Huaixi stayed awake all night, looking at the dog’s grave from the window. That night, his sister, who matured early because of illness, suddenly realized why she and her brother were so sad, while their mother could remain so calm and composed.

Without deep feelings and too many ties, one can remain untroubled by excessive grief when facing loss.

She had woken up countless times on the emergency table, seeing her family with tear-reddened eyes, feeling guilty and heartbroken, yet besides reassuring them with strength, saying, “I’m okay,” she felt powerless. And that day, she suddenly understood that if her father, mother, and brother could not love her, then when the day came that she had to leave, they wouldn’t be so heartbroken and sad.

Thus, from that day on, she began her self-exile, living in isolation and treating others coldly.

She only wished that they could love her a little less so that one day, when she left, they would suffer a little less and feel a bit better. In this lifetime, she had no way to repay the love they gave her, and probably, in the end, this was all she could do.

During those years, she always thought that way.

Jiang Huaixi smiled bitterly, did not answer Jiang Huaichuan’s question, turned her eyes away, avoiding looking at Jiang Huaichuan, and only said, “Help me call Zizheng over.”

Jiang Huaichuan, not receiving an answer from Jiang Huaixi, called out unhappily in a steady voice, “Sister!”

Jiang Huaixi simply said, “Go…”

Jiang Huaichuan had no choice but to unwillingly stand up, helplessly glance at Jiang Huaixi once more, and turn to leave…

Jiang Huaixi stared absentmindedly at the flocks of wild geese flying past the window, a bitter smile slowly appearing at the corner of her lips.

If possible, who would be willing, knowing that happiness is within reach and easily obtainable, to harden their heart and hold back tears to keep it outside the door?

Since Jiang Huaixi understood that she had a congenital heart disease² and her body was not like that of ordinary people, she gradually knew that if she didn’t want to burden others, the happiness of ordinary people would probably be beyond her reach in this lifetime. At the age of twelve, the successful surgery brought her back from the brink of life and death, but she still knew that living to a ripe old age was nothing more than a distant dream for her.

Jiang Huaixi couldn’t tell if it was love at first sight with Lu Zizheng or love that grew over time. The moment she realized her feelings, she knew that in this lifetime, she only wished to spend the rest of her life with Lu Zizheng.

Jiang Huaixi once dared to hope to fight for herself, regardless of the length of time, just to have a passionate and genuine love. However, the deeper her love and understanding grew, the more timid and hesitant she became. She understood too well Lu Zizheng’s fragility and decisiveness and knew too well Lu Zizheng’s persistence in possession and longevity. How could she bear to let her face risk and fear once more? She admired Lu Zizheng’s seriousness and persistence in love but was also afraid. She couldn’t imagine if one day, Lu Zizheng, who regards love as life, lost her as a lover, whether she could continue on.

She thought that if maintaining distance could avoid harm, then she would be willing to retreat to the position of a good friend and love her with all she had, without any title.

This was the only thing she could promise Lu Zizheng, her own eternal commitment, unwavering and unchanging…

Jiang Wang came out of the outpatient department, entered the inpatient department, took the elevator upstairs to find Lu Zizheng, but just as she stepped out of the elevator, from afar, she saw Xu Baihan coming out of Lu Zizheng’s ward, and her footsteps slightly paused…

In her moment of distraction, a family member from the middle ward suddenly seemed to have an urgent matter, hurriedly ran out, and rushed downstairs. As he passed by Xu Baihan, he accidentally collided heavily with Xu Baihan’s wheelchair and fell to the ground. He was in such a hurry that he didn’t have time to look back at Xu Baihan or even say a word of apology, and he got up and continued running downstairs.

The sudden collision left Xu Baihan momentarily unable to react, and the wheelchair slid uncontrollably toward the staircase entrance. Seeing that it was about to tumble down, Xu Baihan closed her eyes in panic…

At the critical moment, the wheelchair suddenly stopped steadily… Xu Baihan heard the sound of a woman’s urgent and heavy breathing behind her…

Still shaken, she instinctively wanted to turn her head to look, but just as she began to turn, a cold hand covered her eyes, and a voice, low and somewhat flustered, said, “Don’t turn around…”

Xu Baihan was slightly taken aback. This voice… was it that doctor named Jiang Wang?

Before she could think it through, the coldness on her eyes quickly withdrew, followed by the sound of hurried, frantic footsteps. Xu Baihan quickly turned her head, only to see the back of a tall and slender woman rushing into the elevator in a panic…

Jiang Wang? Xu Baihan murmured. She reached her hand to cover the eyes where Jiang Wang’s hand had just been, feeling somewhat dazed for a moment…

The feeling just now, her breath on her skin, felt so familiar…

LP: Re-translated on August 29, 2024

1. Bitten by a snake and fearing the well rope for three years, seeing shadows in a cup as snakes: It means that past experiences of harm or danger can lead to irrational fears or overreactions in the future. Lu Zizheng becomes so wary that even harmless things remind her of her past trauma, much like mistaking a harmless rope for a snake or seeing shadows as snakes.
2. Congenital heart disease: A condition present from birth that involves structural abnormalities in the heart. These defects can affect the heart’s walls, valves, or blood vessels, disrupting blood flow. The severity ranges from minor issues to life-threatening problems requiring surgery. Common types include septal defects (holes in the heart), obstructive defects (narrowed valves or vessels), cyanotic defects (lack of oxygen-rich blood), and valve defects. Treatment varies based on the defect and may include medication, procedures, or surgery, with some individuals needing lifelong care.