Why are you still so good to me?
Lu Zizheng rushed to the hospital at around two in the morning. She was only wearing a thin sweater, her hair was messy, her face was pale, and her eyes were bloodshot. Standing in front of the glass window of the intensive care unit, she stared fixedly at her mother on the hospital bed and asked Jiang Huaixi with a barely noticeable tremor in her voice, “What did the doctor say?”
Jiang Huaixi stood behind Lu Zizheng, looking at her with a pained expression as she bit her lip and pretended to be strong. Hesitating, she couldn’t bear to tell her the truth, so she evaded, “The doctor said that we need to wait for her to wake up and then do a detailed examination.”
Lu Zizheng suddenly turned around and stared closely at Jiang Huaixi, her gaze sharp and her tone icy, “Huaixi, tell me, don’t lie to me…”
Jiang Huaixi was stunned, took a deep breath, and after a long silence, confessed hoarsely, “Late-stage stomach cancer, we need to… prepare ourselves mentally…”
Lu Zizheng’s body trembled, she wobbled and took a few steps back, reaching out to support herself on the glass of the intensive care unit. In an instant, tears overflowed from her eyes and fell silently.
Jiang Huaixi saw Lu Zizheng in this state and her eyes reddened as well. She sniffed, gently took off her own coat, and draped it over Lu Zizheng’s thin shoulders. Turning away, she walked a few steps and made a call to have some food delivered. After that, she returned to Lu Zizheng’s side, standing behind her, silently accompanying her. At this moment, any words of comfort seemed so pale and powerless.
When the food arrived, Jiang Huaixi opened the food container, took out chopsticks and a spoon, and handed them to Lu Zizheng. “Eat a little, at least.”
Lu Zizheng, however, did not reach out to take them, shaking her head to indicate she had no appetite.
Jiang Huaixi then put down the chopsticks, took the spoon, scooped a spoonful of rice, and brought it to Lu Zizheng’s mouth.
Lu Zizheng turned her head to look at Jiang Huaixi, her gaze deep and unreadable to Jiang Huaixi.
After a long while, Lu Zizheng finally opened her mouth to eat.
Immediately, Jiang Huaixi scooped another spoonful of soup and offered it to her.
Lu Zizheng opened her mouth and drank it, then reached out to take the spoon and the food container. She lowered her head and hastily ate a few bites before pushing it back to Jiang Huaixi.
Jiang Huaixi, not wanting to force her, simply put the food down and took the spoon herself, hurriedly drinking a few sips of the soup to finish it.
They stayed awake together until dawn. Jiang Huaixi had someone buy the usual daily necessities, bring clean clothes, and breakfast. She pulled Lu Zizheng to the neighboring room often used for patients to freshen up. Lu Zizheng was initially unwilling to leave, but Jiang Huaixi calmly said, “You don’t want Auntie to see you so haggard and worry about you, right?”
Lu Zizheng reluctantly left.
In the morning, Mother Lu woke up and had the ventilator removed. Following the doctor’s instructions, Lu Zizheng and Jiang Huaixi went in to see her one by one.
When Lu Zizheng entered the ward, surprisingly, she did not shed a single tear in front of her mother. Instead, she smiled and comforted her, saying, “Mom, don’t worry. The doctor said you’re fine and that you’ll get better in a few days.”
Mother Lu knew her own body well; she had long expected this day to come. At this moment, she felt even more heartbroken seeing Lu Zizheng’s forced smile. She looked at Lu Zizheng with pity, forced a smile, and said, “Yes, Mom is not worried at all. As long as you are well, Mom is not afraid of anything.”
Lu Zizheng didn’t stay inside for long before she covered her face and left. She feared that if she stayed in the ward for even one more second, she would start crying in front of her mother.
Due to being sick for several days and a night without sleep, Jiang Huaixi’s voice was already hoarse. As soon as she entered, she opened her mouth to speak in a low, hoarse apology: “Auntie, I’m sorry.” Sorry I didn’t find out earlier, sorry I was too careless, sorry I’m so foolish…
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Mother Lu shook her head lovingly and said, “Good child, you did nothing wrong. It’s Auntie who should be sorry, for making you worry along with us…”
Jiang Huaixi’s eyes reddened, and it seemed like there were a thousand words stuck in her throat. In the end, she simply made a low, firm promise: “Auntie, don’t worry about Zizheng. I’m here…”
Mother Lu was comforted by this and smiled. “With those words, Auntie is at ease.”
The next day, at Mother Lu insistence, she left the intensive care unit and was transferred to a double room in the general ward that Jiang Huaixi had specially arranged for her. One bed was for Mother Lu, and the other was for Lu Zizheng to rest.
With Mother Lu previously hiding her medical records and the hospital’s subsequent examinations, the hospital had already diagnosed her with late-stage stomach cancer, with not much time left.
When Lu Zizheng learned this news from the director in his office, she stood straight, thanked the director calmly, and walked out expressionlessly. Jiang Huaixi, worried, quickly followed her, but Lu Zizheng turned back and gently refused, “Huaixi, don’t tell my mom. I want to be alone for a while.”
That evening, just as it was getting dark, Lu Zizheng returned with dinner, her expression as usual, but her swollen red eyes betrayed her. Entering the ward, Lu Zizheng cheerfully set up a small table for Mother Lu and obediently said, “Mom, look what delicious food I brought you…”
Jiang Huaixi, sitting on the bed beside, looked at Lu Zizheng’s obviously red and swollen eyes from crying, her own eyes dimming.
The other bed in the ward was practically unused, as Lu Zizheng almost never climbed up to rest. Both Mother Lu and Jiang Huaixi worried that Lu Zizheng would collapse, sometimes having to sternly reprimand her to rest for a while.
But Lu Zizheng already had poor sleep quality, and now it was getting even worse. Even though she was extremely tired and could almost fall asleep as soon as her head hit the pillow, she would wake up shortly after, needing to check that her mother was still lying safely in bed before she could relax.
Within just a week, Lu Zizheng had become so thin that she was almost skeletal.
That Tuesday afternoon, Lu Zizheng and Jiang Huaixi were both in the ward chatting with Mother Lu when Lu Zizheng’s phone suddenly rang. She glanced at the caller ID and saw that it was Ji Yao. She hesitated, not wanting to answer the call.
However, Mother Lu urged, “Zizheng, why aren’t you answering the phone?”
After much hesitation, Lu Zizheng finally picked up the call.
On the other end of the phone, Ji Yao said, “Lu Zizheng, I’ll be waiting for you at the café opposite your translation agency at four o’clock.”
Lu Zizheng, puzzled, asked, “Can’t you just tell me over the phone?”
Ji Yao, however, insisted mysteriously, “You’ll know when you come. I’ll be waiting for you there.” With that, she hung up the phone.
Lu Zizheng looked at the disconnected call, furrowing her brows in confusion.
Mother Lu weakly smiled and said, “Zizheng, if there’s something you need to do, just go. Huaixi is here with me, so don’t worry.”
Lu Zizheng looked worriedly at Jiang Huaixi, who nodded at her, indicating she should not worry. After hesitating for a while, Lu Zizheng finally stood up, put on her coat, and decided to go to the appointment.
After Lu Zizheng left, only Mother Lu and Jiang Huaixi were left in the ward. Jiang Huaixi peeled a fruit for Mother Lu, the peel coming off in a thin, continuous strip, looking very beautiful. Mother Lu couldn’t help but praise, “It’s hard to imagine that a few years ago, you were still a young lady who didn’t lift a finger to do anything.”
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Jiang Huaixi smiled shyly.
Mother Lu suddenly sighed, “Huaixi, thank you for all your hard work for Zizheng.”
Jiang Huaixi was stunned and looked at Mother Lu, not knowing how to respond for a moment.
Mother Lu looked directly at her, her gaze wise and sharp: “Huaixi, tell Auntie, what are you afraid of?”
Jiang Huaixi’s smile stiffened and gradually disappeared from her lips. Under Mother Lu’s gaze, all her hesitations seemed to have no place to hide.
She also asked herself, Jiang Huaixi, what are you afraid of?
She recalled the year she returned to school after recovering from a serious illness, just in time for the farewell party hosted by the radio station for the fourth-year students. The radio station’s recognized golden couple, Huang Ze and Qi Yu, had tacitly agreed not to attend. At that time, after the grand banquet had ended, she walked along the long campus avenue by the lake with Lu Zizheng. The streetlights elongated their shadows, and the cool breeze brushed against them. She looked at Lu Zizheng beside her and countless times wished to walk with her like this until the end of time. Lu Zizheng slowly walked off the avenue and onto the wooden path by the lake, looking far into the lake’s surface. She gently asked, “Huaixi, why do people always make promises they can’t keep? If Huang Ze and Qi Yu had never started, wouldn’t they be strangers now? If they had never experienced the brief joy of love, would they also not have the long-lasting regret and pain after parting? If it can’t last forever, why even have that moment of possession?”
At that time, it was as if she had been hit hard on the head, and a chill gradually filled her heart. She lowered her eyebrows and stood behind Lu Zizheng, staring at her for a long time before finally responding heavily, “Maybe so.”
Since childhood, Jiang Huaixi had been constantly in and out of hospitals and emergency rooms. She had long become accustomed to calmly dealing with various medical devices probing and examining her body, never crying out of fear. Having escaped death multiple times on the operating table, she understood early on that many things in life are beyond control, cannot be forced, and cannot be envied. The only thing one can do is face it calmly, without fear. Buddha said there are eight sufferings in life: birth, aging, illness, death, encountering what one hates, parting from what one loves, not getting what one wants, and being unable to let go. She thought she had long transcended these sufferings, but Lu Zizheng appeared in her life and made her taste all the flavors of these sufferings.
How could she dare make promises to Lu Zizheng that she couldn’t guarantee? She wasn’t afraid of her own heartbreak, only afraid of Lu Zizheng’s renewed disappointment and sadness.
Jiang Huaixi didn’t know how to answer Mother Lu’s question. With countless feelings swirling in her heart, she finally said softly, “Auntie, I’m sorry, I’m not brave enough…”
Mother Lu sighed, reached out, and gently patted Jiang Huaixi’s shoulder, kindly saying, “Silly child, Auntie knows you must have some unspeakable difficulties. Just know that if Auntie can entrust Zizheng to you, I can leave without worry.”
Jiang Huaixi looked at Mother Lu, her eyes gradually filling with a misty haze…
In the café, Ji Yao sat opposite Lu Zizheng, coldly scrutinizing her for a while before saying, “Lu Zizheng, I’m afraid I’m going to disappoint you again.”
Lu Zizheng, having neither the time nor energy for her sarcastic remarks, said blandly, “I’m in a hurry, please get to the point.”
Ji Yao chuckled softly, took out a check, and pushed it towards Lu Zizheng, speaking imperiously, “Lian Xuan asked me to say sorry to you. She still can’t fulfill the promise she made to you. She hopes you can leave her sight and stop bothering her. Fill in the check as you see fit.”
In an instant, Lu Zizheng’s face turned cold. She bit her lip and, finally driven to rage, laughed instead. She slammed the check on the table in front of Ji Yao and sneered, “Ask her for me, how much does she think her feelings for me are worth?! Tell Lian Xuan that in my eyes, it has long been worthless!” Hadn’t Lian Xuan humiliated her enough already?! Even if she hadn’t taken Lian Xuan’s later promises to heart, she had at least believed in her justifiable reasons and had gradually softened and let go. But in the end, what did Lian Xuan repay her with?
After speaking, Lu Zizheng ignored Ji Yao’s astonished expression, took a wad of cash from her wallet, threw it in front of Ji Yao as coffee money, and then grabbed her bag and walked out without looking back.
On the way out, Lu Zizheng couldn’t help but shed a tear, but she quickly wiped it away, scolding herself that it was not worth it for someone who had toyed with her in so many ways.
But she still felt sad and upset. Why were everyone’s promises so light? Could it be that so-called promises were really just lies told by liars to fools? She hated liars but despised herself even more for always being the fool…
Just as she got into a taxi to return to the hospital, she received a call from Jiang Huaixi, whose voice was panicked and helpless: “Zizheng, come back quickly, Auntie has gone into the emergency room again.”
In that instant, Lu Zizheng felt Jiang Huaixi’s not-so-loud voice buzz and echo in her ears. The phone slipped from her ear and fell onto the car seat.
Upon arriving at the hospital, as soon as she got out of the car, Lu Zizheng ran towards the emergency room as fast as she could. From a distance, as she ran towards Jiang Huaixi, she keenly heard the doctor say to Jiang Huaixi, “Have the family make preparations…”
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In the next second, Lu Zizheng lost all her strength and collapsed on the cold hospital floor.
Hearing the loud noise, Jiang Huaixi turned her head and saw Lu Zizheng lying on the ground. She quickly ran over to help, but Lu Zizheng, with a sudden burst of strength, pushed her away, causing Jiang Huaixi to stumble and fall to the ground.
Ever since Mother Lu was hospitalized, Lu Zizheng had been silently enduring her pain and grievances, which finally erupted at this moment. She cried so hard that she couldn’t catch her breath and hoarsely shouted at Jiang Huaixi, “Go away, go away, aren’t you all lying to me? Aren’t you all going to leave me? Don’t you all not want me? Go away, don’t care about me…”
Jiang Huaixi pressed her lips tightly together, her eyes red, and silently pushed herself up from the ground. She didn’t glance at her scraped hand and, enduring the pain, limped over to Lu Zizheng, squatted down, and opened her arms to embrace her. Her voice, also hoarse, was exceptionally gentle: “Zizheng, don’t be afraid, don’t be afraid, I’m here…”
Lu Zizheng struggled and pushed to break free from Jiang Huaixi’s embrace, crying and accusing, “Aren’t you also going to leave me? Didn’t you say we can only be good friends? Why are you still being so good to me? In the end, you don’t want me either…”
But Jiang Huaixi held her tightly, unwilling to let go. Lu Zizheng felt cool liquid trickling down her neck…
Gradually, Lu Zizheng stopped struggling, quieted down, and weakly leaned into Jiang Huaixi’s embrace, allowing Jiang Huaixi to hold her tightly…
LP: Re-translated on August 23, 2024