STT – Chapter 34

She already had a heart that was dead to ashes.

Lu Zizheng didn’t know how she managed to support herself back home. As soon as she entered the house, she saw her mother standing at the entrance, looking at her with a face full of concern. She turned around, exerting herself to control her trembling hands, and gently closed the door. Then she squatted down to take her cotton slippers, pretending that nothing had happened, and asked her mother, “Mom, what’s wrong? Why are you always looking at me?”

Mother Lu called her gently: “Zhengzheng…”

Lu Zizheng, with her already numb and cold feet that had lost all sensation, struggled to put them into her shoes. She raised her head and forced a smile at her mother, pretending to be relaxed as she replied, “Oh…” But just as she wanted to stand up, her legs went soft, and she fell into her mother’s embrace as she stepped forward to catch her. Only then did Lu Zizheng sadly discover that she had truly become this powerless.

Mother Lu hurried to help Lu Zizheng steady herself. Her eyes turned red, and she no longer asked Lu Zizheng what had happened with Jiang Huaixi. She silently helped Lu Zizheng awkwardly walk to the living room, sat on the sofa, and then went to the bathroom to help Lu Zizheng heat some water.

Lu Zizheng leaned against the sofa, closed her eyes, tilted her head back, and tried hard to suppress herself. Her breathing was heavy and labored, and the muscles in her cheeks trembled imperceptibly…

Mother Lu brought out two basins of hot water, tested the temperature, and then carefully placed Lu Zizheng’s cold, stiff feet into the water.

Lu Zizheng suddenly opened her eyes wide, leaned forward, grabbed Mother Lu’s arm, stopping her from preparing to soak her feet, and said in a hoarse voice, “How can I let you, Mom, help me with soaking my feet?!”

Mother Lu looked at her with pain in her heart and sighed, “Silly child…”

Upon hearing Mother Lu’s sigh, which was filled with affection and pity, Lu Zizheng’s nose suddenly became sour, and the tears she had held back for so long finally burst forth. She pulled her mother to sit beside her, buried her head in her mother’s neck, and tightly wrapped her arms around Mother Lu, crying silently. Mother Lu only felt a cold, wet sensation in the nook of her neck, which made her heartache to the point that she almost shed tears as well.

Mother Lu didn’t dare to ask her what had happened, so she could only hold her back, gently patting Lu Zizheng’s back with one hand, softly comforting her, “Zhengzheng, don’t cry. Mom is here, everything will be okay, it will all pass…”

Lu Zizheng cried so much that her whole body was trembling, yet there was not a sound. Finally, she wiped her tears dry by herself, lifted her head, and with red eyes forced a smile at Mother Lu. With a choked voice, she said, “Mom, it’s okay, I’ve cried it out, don’t worry, I’m fine now…”

Mother Lu looked at her forced smile and felt a dull pain in her heart. She softly replied, “Mm, Mom believes you; Mom isn’t worried…” After saying this, she turned her head away and quickly wiped away the tears that overflowed from the corners of her eyes.

Silly child, how can you make Mom feel at ease like this?

Mother Lu had originally been worried that Lu Zizheng would be affected by her mood and would have a poor appetite. However, she did not expect that Lu Zizheng actually ate almost as much as usual for dinner. There was nothing unusual at the dining table, and occasionally she could even chat with her about trivial matters. Mother Lu knew that Lu Zizheng was trying her best to conceal her feelings, but she also didn’t want to reveal her scars, so she could only helplessly cooperate with her.

After dinner, Lu Zizheng nestled into her own room, claiming she wanted to take a shower and go to bed early. She said that after all, starting tomorrow, she would have to go back to work, so she wanted to seize the last bit of good time to have a good sleep and a good dream.

Mother Lu knew very well about Lu Zizheng’s daily routine. Not to mention that it was just after seven o’clock; even if it were early morning, lying in bed, she would find it hard to fall asleep. She would have to go through a lot of tossing and turning to be able to sleep, so how could she talk about having a good sleep and good dreams? But she also knew that Lu Zizheng probably needed some quiet time alone right now. So she pretended to know nothing and happily agreed to her, even reminding her, “Get up early tomorrow morning; don’t be late on the first day back to work after the New Year. That wouldn’t look good.”

Lu Zizheng blinked her eyes and answered with a smile, “Mom, don’t worry too much. I’m so good; how could I?”

Mother Lu laughed, “I just knew you would boast…”

Lu Zizheng hurried back to her room with anxious and flustered steps, closed the door, and before she could turn on the light, she rushed straight to the bathroom equipped in the bedroom. She squatted next to the toilet and vomited up the dinner she had just forced herself to eat. She vomited until her feet went numb and tears streamed down her face, before she slumped onto the floor, motionless.

After a long while, she finally regained a bit of strength, left the bathroom to the bedroom to get a change of underwear and pajamas, and then went back into the bathroom to take a shower.

She turned the shower to the maximum, and in an instant, her whole body was soaked. She couldn’t open her eyes, and in the next moment, tears overflowed from the corners of her eyes, running freely. She felt her face was full of wetness but lied to herself, “Mom, I’m not crying; that’s just water, don’t worry…”

Lu Zizheng didn’t know how long she had been washing. She only stopped when her skin began to wrinkle all over. Finally, she turned off the water, dried her body and hair, and exited the bathroom.

Without turning on the light, she climbed into bed in the dark, curled her legs up, and hugged her knees. Borrowing the moonlight, she stared blankly at the clock hanging on the wall, watching the second hand tick one second at a time.

It is said that life is fleeting and time is precious, but at this moment, Lu Zizheng felt that every minute and every second seemed so long. She could hardly find any meaning of time for her, besides torment, only torment.

She questioned herself in her heart, whether there should be no expectations in life. Buddhism says all beings suffer; life is about enduring suffering to repay the debts from past lives, so the first sound made upon coming into the world is crying. Why could she never learn to have such awareness?

Lu Zizheng in the darkness gradually touched the ugly scar that twisted along her wrist. Following the scar, she felt the watch that Jiang Huaixi had given her, with its cold, thick strap. Her fingertips gently stroked the strap, and she finally couldn’t help but smile, then cried again…

Being too gentle was never Jiang Huaixi’s fault; the fault lay in her own self-righteousness. Not being able to give her love was also not Jiang Huaixi’s fault; the fault lay in her own insatiability.

From beginning to end, Jiang Huaixi was not wrong. The ones who were wrong were all herself.

But ah, Huaixi, didn’t you say isn’t it good to stay like this?

Yet her heart had already deviated from the normal track; how could she continue to move forward as usual?

Lu Zizheng suddenly sat up, pulled open the drawer, and took out the strand of hair that Jiang Huaixi had left on her pillow. She gazed at it softly for a long time. Finally, she got out of bed, opened the window, and slowly untied the red string that held the hair. She extended her hand out the window, wanting to wave heavily, letting all the attachments, like this scattered hair, drift away with the wind…

But she raised her hand and, in the end, did not let go.

Lu Zizheng bitterly smiled at the hair in her hand for a long time, then closed the window and returned to bed. She took off the watch on her wrist and placed it in the deepest part of the drawer along with the hair. From then on, just like her feelings for Jiang Huaixi, it was locked away in darkness, never to see the light of day again.

After doing all this, she disregarded her still damp hair and weakly collapsed onto the bed, curling up into a ball…

The night was really long, long, and very cold, cold… The empty wrist felt particularly chilly, flowing along the wrist, chilling to the heart, causing Lu Zizheng to tremble…

Lu Zizheng finally kept her eyes open and waited for dawn to arrive. The tear stains on her face had long since dried. She weakly self-deprecatingly smiled; it was a new day again. She sat up, took out her phone, and after hesitating all night, finally made up her mind.

She found the contact list, her hand slightly trembling, dragged Jiang Huaixi into the blacklist, and then deleted all call and text message records…

Just like this, let it be broken, let it be forgotten.

Lu Zizheng silently repeated countless times in her heart: Huaixi, I’m sorry.

To become a pair, we lacked fate; but to pretend to be friends, I lacked a little talent. I’m sorry.

Lu Zizheng rarely put on heavy makeup to cover up the redness of her eyes and the paleness of her face, and went to work at the translation agency on time. After the general meeting, the president kept Lu Zizheng behind and informed her that she would report to Fengshang in the afternoon.

Lu Zizheng was already exhausted and had no energy to deal with Lian Xuan’s hot and cold attitudes, wanting to say something but holding back. Without much hesitation, she was about to hand over this great opportunity. But the president said it was Lian Xuan who specifically requested her, which was obviously quite difficult for him as well.

Fengshang signed a contract with the translation agency last year, establishing a long-term cooperative relationship. The president of the translation agency had shown her great favor, so Lu Zizheng felt embarrassed to make things too difficult for him. After much consideration, Lu Zizheng reluctantly agreed.

Her heart had already turned to ashes; from now on, love and hate had nothing to do with her. Whether it was Lian Xuan or someone else, what difference did it make?

In the afternoon, Lu Zizheng went to report to Fengshang as promised. Lian Xuan, who was busy with many matters, hurriedly left for a business trip to deal with a big deal, leaving only the second secretary to give Lu Zizheng some materials and inform her that she would go to Japan for a business trip with her tomorrow. Due to the tight schedule, she requested that Lu Zizheng must quickly familiarize herself with this business.

Lu Zizheng held the materials, laughing silently in disbelief. That’s fine; if she gets busy, perhaps she can really forget everything.

That evening, Lu Zizheng took a taxi back to Mother Lu’s house to accompany her mother for dinner. She informed her that she would be going to Japan for a business trip, the length of which was uncertain, and reminded Mother Lu to take good care of herself.

After hesitating for a long time, Lu Zizheng finally spoke in a low voice, adding, “Mom, if possible, try not to trouble Huaixi.” After saying this, she didn’t dare to raise her head to look at Mother Lu’s expression.

Unexpectedly, Mother Lu calmly and gently replied, “Okay, I’ll listen to you.”

Lu Zizheng looked up in surprise at Mother Lu, but only saw the understanding and affection in her mother’s eyes. For a moment, she felt reassured. No matter how the world changed, her mother would always be her strongest support; this was her only remaining belief in this world.

But Lu Zizheng did not expect that the next day, just as she boarded the plane, Mother Lu called Jiang Huaixi.

Mother Lu’s voice was as gentle as ever, and there was no hint of coldness toward Jiang Huaixi due to the unpleasantness between Lu Zizheng and Jiang Huaixi: “Huaixi, Zizheng has gone to Japan for a business trip again. When it’s convenient for you, come and chat with Auntie.”

In the independent ward of Jiang Family Hospital, Jiang Huaixi sat up, slightly lowering her eyes before replying to Mother Lu in a warm voice: “Okay, Auntie. However, you’ll have to wait a few more days. I am on a business trip out of town and won’t be back for a few days.”

Mother Lu smiled affectionately on the other end of the phone and said nonchalantly, “It’s okay. Auntie can wait as long as needed. On the day you come, give Auntie a call in advance, and I’ll make you something delicious.”

Jiang Huaixi rarely laughed childishly and softly replied, “Alright, Auntie.”

She turned her head to look out the window; the sky was still gloomy. When would it be after the snow cleared?

That day, after Lu Zizheng left, Jiang Huaixi squatted in the snow for a long time. Until the sky had turned completely dark and she could no longer see the deep footprints left by Lu Zizheng as she turned to leave, Jiang Huaixi bit her lip with red eyes and pulled out her already frozen feet from the snow. She put on her shoes and struggled to return to the car.

Her feet had almost lost sensation, and she couldn’t drive, so she had to call someone to come and drive her home.

After returning home, Jiang Huaixi only felt her head was heavy, her whole body sore and weak. She didn’t even eat, simply rinsed off her body, and then went to bed, falling into a muddled sleep…

When she woke up again, Jiang Huaixi only felt her throat was dry and painfully sore, her whole body was hot and uncomfortable as if it was on fire. She opened her eyes and wanted to raise her hand to prop herself up. As she raised her hand, she discovered a thin, straight needle was inserted into the back of her hand. She turned her head up to look, and indeed, an IV drip was hanging on the headboard…

Jiang Huaixi looked at the IV drip tube, watching the liquid fall drop by drop, one after another. Suddenly, anger surged from her heart. She abruptly sat up, disregarding everything, and forcefully yanked out the needle, pulling the tube and flinging the hanging medication away. She had never felt as furious and resentful as she did at that moment, wanting to destroy everything, almost wanting to vent all the grievances and dissatisfaction accumulated over the years.

Jiang Wang came in holding the medicine soup, and what she saw was Jiang Huaixi standing barefoot at the edge of the bed, the blanket having slipped to the floor, stained with spots of fresh red. Following those red spots upward, she saw that Jiang Huaixi’s hand was oozing blood little by little…

She casually placed the medicine soup by the door, quickly approached, and took out alcohol and cotton swabs from the medical kit. Grabbing Jiang Huaixi’s hand, she wanted to stop the bleeding. However, Jiang Huaixi, for the first time, lost control in front of her, forcefully pushing her away and hoarsely growling, “Get away, I’m tired of this kind of life, I don’t want to live it anymore, I don’t want to live it anymore…” By the end of her sentence, there was already a hint of crying in her voice.

Jiang Wang had known Jiang Huaixi for nearly ten years. Seeing the usually calm and composed Jiang Huaixi so fragile, she couldn’t help but feel heartbroken and sad, yet she still kept a cold expression and forcefully grabbed her hand again, coldly scolding, “Have you burned your brain out with a fever? What are you going crazy for?!”

After being harshly scolded by her, Jiang Huaixi finally gradually calmed down, but her heart felt even more desolate. She resumed her usual demeanor, weakly forcing a bitter smile, and apologized, “I’m sorry, I was just out of line just now.”

Jiang Wang didn’t even look at her, getting up to take the medication again and hang it up, grabbing Jiang Huaixi’s other intact hand and using the needle to slowly and gradually pierce the skin, pushing the needle in bit by bit.

Due to her excessively slow movements, Jiang Huaixi was in great pain but still endured without making a sound.

After finishing the injection, Jiang Wang raised her head and coldly asked with malice, “Does it hurt?”

Jiang Huaixi let out a light snort but did not answer her. Jiang Wang was definitely doing it on purpose!

Jiang Wang seemed to not care about her silence, tidying up the medical kit. Afterward, she went to the door and carefully brought the medicine soup to Jiang Huaixi’s bedside, then asked again, “Is it still hurting that much?”

Jiang Huaixi looked at her, silent for a moment, then replied, “It’s better.”

Jiang Wang, as if understanding, smiled lightly and said, “You see, even the most unforgettable pain will gradually ease with the passage of time. Why must you be so unable to let go, suffering for a temporary pain that will eventually fade away?” After finishing, she handed the medicine soup to Jiang Huaixi, urging her to drink it.

Jiang Huaixi, however, seemed to gaze at her deeply and, after a long while, replied, “If pain can prove the existence of everything that once was, then I am willing to endure pain for a long time.”

Jiang Wang was taken aback, chuckling lightly, and turned to leave.

But just as Jiang Wang turned around, Jiang Huaixi asked her, “If pain can truly ease and fade with time, then Jiang Wang, have you forgotten everything as well?”

Jiang Wang’s footsteps paused, the light smile on her face gradually disappearing, and in the end, she simply left in silence.

LP: Re-translated August 20, 2024