Later, finally understood through tears, some people once missed will never return.
Xu Baihan gently turned her wheelchair and came to the door attached to the bedroom. She took out a key and turned it to open the door.
Lu Zizheng originally thought it was a bathroom attached to the bedroom, but to her surprise, when the door opened, she saw complete darkness inside. Xu Baihan turned to her side, waved at Lu Zizheng, signaling her to follow, and then disappeared into the darkness of the inner room.
Lu Zizheng hesitated for a moment before her heavy steps slowly followed in. The room was pitch dark, where one couldn’t see their own hand in front of their face. Lu Zizheng’s nose felt a bit itchy, as if she could smell thick dust. This room seemed to be rarely entered and had not been cleaned for a long time.
Xu Baihan’s gentle and calm voice sounded in the dark: “Zizheng, touch the button on the wall and turn on the light.”
Lu Zizheng did as she was told, groping along the wall in the dark. Sure enough, she found a protruding button and clicked it, turning on the light.
The sudden brightness made Lu Zizheng momentarily unable to open her eyes. She closed them for a second to adjust to the light, then slowly opened them again. Once she looked around, her whole body was suddenly stunned.
When Lu Zizheng opened her eyes, the first thing she saw was the walls around the room filled with neatly hung paintings. The room wasn’t large but had dozens of easels regularly placed, each with a painting on it. And in all the paintings, the protagonist was a young girl of fifteen or sixteen years old, with long hair reaching her shoulders, a delicate and cold face, and a faint expression. None of the paintings showed her smiling.
Xu Baihan’s eyes, filled with attachment, swept over the paintings carefully, then turned her head to ask Lu Zizheng: “Do you remember I told you before that I had a sister about your age and showed you her junior high graduation photo?”
Lu Zizheng nodded. They had mentioned it casually in conversation before. At that time, Xu Baihan seemed unwilling to talk more about it, and Lu Zizheng didn’t ask further. The graduation photo was a group photo, and Lu Zizheng had only glanced at it quickly. But even in the blurry image, Xu Baihan’s sister stood out due to her exceptional beauty. Lu Zizheng found her immediately because she was excessively beautiful. After that, she couldn’t help but look a few more times because, unlike everyone else who was smiling, she was looking coldly at the camera, showing no emotion.
Xu Baihan pushed her wheelchair to an easel, gently stroked the girl’s cheek in the painting with her thumb as if tenderly caressing, and said softly: “All these paintings are of her. Her name was Yun Bai (雲白), just like me, with the character ‘bai’ from the word for cypress. But she always liked to write it with the three dots of water (白 > 泊), saying she was like the clouds, free and unrestrained, destined to drift.” (LP: So she basically changed her name from Yun Bai to Yun Bo… I was confused when revising this…)
Seeing Lu Zizheng standing straight and listening to her, Xu Baihan smiled gently: “The story is a bit long, it might take a while. Are you sure you don’t want to sit down to listen?”
Lu Zizheng smiled sheepishly, moved a chair to sit opposite Xu Baihan.
She dared not guess the story Xu Baihan was about to tell.
Once Lu Zizheng was seated, Xu Baihan continued: “Yun Bo was my cousin. Her grandfather was a good friend of my grandfather when he went to the countryside. Later, her grandfather lost his life saving my grandfather. Her grandmother passed away two years later. My grandfather then took her father into his household, treating him as his own son. Later, my grandfather returned to the city, married my grandmother, and had my father, but they always treated my uncle as their own son, sending him abroad for studies and helping him start a factory. My uncle married early, had four daughters, and no sons. My aunt was old and couldn’t have more children. To have a boy, he started having affairs. Yun Bo’s mother was one of them but only bore him a daughter. My uncle refused to acknowledge her, and Yun Bo’s mother left her at my uncle’s door and ran away with another man. My aunt made a big fuss and refused to let Yun Bo in. My uncle didn’t care and sent her to live with distant relatives in the countryside until she grew up. When she needed to go to school and needed household registration, my uncle registered her under the relatives’ name, giving her the surname Yun and a simple name, Bai.”
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Lu Zizheng frowned slightly, listening quietly. Yun Bo, her name, indeed matched her fate, like a cloud, unanchored, free and unrestrained. It was hard to tell if she had seen through everything or couldn’t see through anything.
Xu Baihan had a faint smile: “The first time I saw her, I was twelve, and she was only a year younger than me but shorter by a head. My father was developing a resort in the countryside, and my brother and I went there during the summer vacation. My father always felt guilty towards Yun Bo, thinking my uncle wronged her and couldn’t help her usually, so he took her along when we went.”
She seemed to recall that scene, her eyes filled with smiles: “She was extremely proud at that time. After following us, she only faintly called my father ‘uncle’ and ignored everyone else, amusing herself alone in a corner. But she was very pleasing to my eye and had a unique personality. I liked her and was curious about her. Even after being rebuffed many times, I couldn’t help but invite her to play with us. Finally, I succeeded.”
Xu Baihan asked Lu Zizheng proudly: “Do you know why?”
Lu Zizheng, seeing Xu Baihan’s rare playful look, gently shook her head, unable to guess.
Xu Baihan laughed: “Later, she told me that my smile was so bright that day, like seeing the sun in her life.”
Lu Zizheng smiled with pursed lips: “She talks like a romantic poet.”
Xu Baihan’s eyes brightened, agreeing: “She was more than a romantic poet. After that meeting, every summer, my brother and I would take Yun Bo to the resort. There were no mobile phones then, so Yun Bo would send me letters every month, sometimes one, sometimes two. Our contact grew more frequent, and we became closer. I sometimes thought she was a born artist. She could pick a random weed by the roadside and weave various vivid little animals to amuse me or pluck a leaf to play a melodious tune. She even learned to use a ballpoint pen to sketch lifelike portraits of me. I admit, I became increasingly captivated by her talent and tenderness. So, when she looked at me with passionate and ambiguous eyes for the first time, I didn’t avoid her. When she kissed me gently and passionately at fifteen, I didn’t reject her.”
At this point, Xu Baihan’s cheeks flushed, and Lu Zizheng could imagine their innocent and carefree days from her words.
“Later, her letters to me became passionate and beautiful love letters, making me blush and my heart race every time I received them. Sometimes, she would send me songs she composed and wrote lyrics for. I would learn to sing them one by one, imagining her intense eyes staring at me and her soft voice humming in my ear, making my cheeks flush and ears burn. I knew clearly how much she attracted me.”
Xu Baihan paused, looked at Lu Zizheng, and seemed to gather great courage before continuing: “So, at sixteen, when she climbed into my bed, gently biting my lips, pulling down my nightgown strap and touching me, I silently indulged and even responded to her. She repeatedly told me she loved me, but I just held her, saying nothing.”
Lu Zizheng couldn’t help but be shocked. Knowing Xu Baihan for years, she seemed extremely rational and calm. At sixteen, still so young, how dare she, how could she be willing to give herself so easily…
Xu Baihan smiled bitterly: “Zizheng, actually, I was very scared afterward. Yun Bo was somewhat obsessive. Her love was so intense it scared me. Sometimes, she would hold me, begging, saying she only loved me in the whole world. Could I love her a bit more? She could give up everything for me, fear nothing. She said many times she loved me, but I never dared to respond. I knew she meant what she said, but she didn’t know I was very afraid. Afraid our affair would be discovered, afraid of my family knowing I loved not only a woman but my sister. I never thought about how to continue long-term with her, just living day by day. I even secretly planned how to leave her. I feared many things, but never feared losing her.”
She sniffled, then laughed softly, voice low and heavy: “But sadly, in the end, I lost only her.”
Hearing this, Lu Zizheng no longer had the courage to ask what happened next. Xu Baihan’s grandfather was a hospital director, mother a university professor, father a doctor, born into a scholarly family. She was taught from a young age to follow rules and be a proper lady. Her initial acceptance of Yun Bo already exceeded expectations, proving she really, really liked Yun Bo.
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She dared not imagine how painful it was for Xu Baihan to let go.
Xu Baihan looked at Yun Bo’s portrait for a long time before continuing: “The summer I was sixteen, two days before going home, my brother wanted to play on a not-yet-developed beach at the resort. I didn’t feel safe, so I went along, and Yun Bo followed me. Yun Bo couldn’t swim and was instinctively afraid of water, standing on the far shore watching us. As time passed, the waves grew larger, and we didn’t notice until Yun Bo suddenly rushed over, pulling me to run back. Only then did I realize something terrible was happening.”
At this point, Xu Baihan’s voice began to tremble slightly.
“I hadn’t reacted yet, just ran with her. During the run, she let go of my hand, and I didn’t notice until I reached the shore and turned back, seeing her fall. The waves had already covered half of her body, quickly continuing to engulf her, pulling her out to sea.”
Lu Zizheng’s heart trembled with Xu Baihan’s voice…
“I ran back frantically to save her, but closer to me, my brother was also being pulled away, crying ‘Sister, save me, sister…’ Yun Bo and my brother were both struggling in the water. She didn’t call me, but I felt her gaze locked on me. But at that moment, I had no choice…” Xu Baihan’s voice was clearly filled with tears.
“There was no one else on the shore. I could only save one person. Yun Bo was being pulled further away by the waves, but my brother was still near the shore. In the end, I clenched my teeth, turned, and swam towards my brother, dragging him back to the shore. As I turned away, I heard Yun Bo’s heart-wrenching scream from the sea, ‘Xu Baihan, I hate you…’”
Lu Zizheng saw tears falling from Xu Baihan’s eyes but couldn’t speak any comforting words. She never imagined such sorrow hidden behind Xu Baihan’s years of smiles. Even the deepest comfort couldn’t ease Xu Baihan’s pain.
Xu Baihan lowered her eyes, voice hoarse: “At that moment, I had no other choice. I wasn’t afraid to save Yun Bo, even if it meant dying with her. But the one calling for help was my brother, who grew up with me, deeply bonded. I couldn’t leave him to die. I could only keep shouting in my heart, hoping she could hear my thoughts, telling her, Yun Bo, don’t be afraid, wait for me, I’ll come to you, don’t drift too far, don’t go too far, wait for me…”
“After saving my brother, I turned back but couldn’t see Yun Bo anymore. I ran to the sea again, but adults had already come, pulling me back, not letting me go, no matter how I struggled and cried, finally fainting on the beach.”
Lu Zizheng bit her lip, looking at the girl on the wall not far away, standing by the sea, looking at the shore, eyes filled with despair and sorrow… Lu Zizheng’s heart ached deeply.
Xu Baihan’s eyes followed Lu Zizheng’s gaze, falling on that painting.
“I woke up in the hospital, my mother by my side. My first question was, where is Yun Bo? My mother avoided my eyes, not answering. I knew then, Yun Bo was gone. She saved me, but I abandoned her. I could no longer cry, only hearing Yun Bo’s ‘Xu Baihan, I hate you,’ over and over, feeling heartache, fearing she’d be scared alone in the dark, fearing the cold sea would be unbearable… At that moment, I realized how much I loved her… When my mother left at noon, I pulled out the needle and jumped out the fifth-floor hospital room window. I couldn’t bear to let her travel alone…”
Lu Zizheng shivered slightly in shock. Xu Baihan noticed and patted her leg, soothing her understandingly.
“The fifth-floor height didn’t let me accompany Yun Bo, only crippling my legs. My family thought I felt guilty for not saving Yun Bo, comforting me, saying I had done my best, no one would blame me, Yun Bo would understand. But I knew, they didn’t understand Yun Bo. She was so clear in love and hate, not tolerating any betrayal. My turning away meant abandonment and betrayal to her. Her last cry, ‘I hate you,’ proved she blamed me, loved me, and hated me…”
Lu Zizheng didn’t know what to say. Her throat seemed blocked, only managing to say “sister…” before falling silent.
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Xu Baihan smiled faintly, like self-mockery: “Later, I tried several times to end it. My parents persuaded me, saying, ‘Baihan, maybe Yun Bo was rescued. The search team hasn’t found her, it’s possible. When she heals, she’ll come back for you. If you’re gone, what then?’ So, I clung to this last hope, barely living, waiting, searching for years. I naively didn’t treat my legs, sitting in a wheelchair for twelve years, hoping if Yun Bo came back and blamed me, I could prove I really loved her, very much.”
“But I know, I can’t wait for her. The ‘I love you’ I owe her, she’ll never hear…” Xu Baihan’s smile slowly faded.
Outside the inner room, Jiang Huaixi’s clear, cold voice slowly flowed: “Wilted flowers can no longer be picked, withered love can no longer return. Many regret their mistakes only after there’s no more chance. The last song ‘Later’ is for everyone.”
“Later, I finally learned how to love, but you were already gone, disappearing in the crowd. Later, I finally understood through tears, some people, once missed, will never return…”
Xu Baihan leaned forward, lightly kissing the girl’s lips in the painting, her lips curling slightly, voice calm and frightening: “Zizheng, I don’t want to deceive myself and wait any longer. Yun Bo must be tired of waiting too…”
LP: Re-translated on August 15, 2024