STT – Chapter 20

I cannot afford to lose you.

Lian Xuan leaned on Lu Zizheng’s shoulder, her voice soft and slow, ethereal and distant: “Once upon a time, there was a little girl. Her parents, because her grandfather and maternal grandfather were sworn brothers, arranged a marriage for her from a young age. The girl’s mother loved her father very much, but when the girl was eleven, her father brought home a woman and a nine-year-old boy. Two years later, her mother died of melancholy, and that same year, the girl was sent by her father to study in England, almost like an exile. Three years later, the girl fell seriously ill in England and nearly died. Her maternal grandfather pressured her paternal grandfather, who, feeling guilty towards his old brother, finally hardened his heart and took back the company’s control from her father, summoned the girl back, and announced that she was the sole heir to the company. To gain her grandfather’s support and affection, the girl lived cautiously for many years, fearing any mistake.”

Seeing no reaction from Lu Zizheng, she rubbed her soft hair against Lu Zizheng’s neck and whispered, “Zizheng, can you guess who this girl in the story is?”

It was the first time Lu Zizheng heard Lian Xuan talk about her family affairs. Although she spoke so lightly and calmly, Lu Zizheng could still hear her difficulties and bitterness. Losing her mother at a young age, being sent to a foreign country, for a thirteen-year-old child, the hardships were evident. If it had been that night many years ago, she would have embraced Lian Xuan with distress, wishing to compensate for all her grievances on behalf of her father. But now, she sighed and felt infinite melancholy.

Lian Xuan knew Lu Zizheng understood what she was saying. Even though she did not reply, it did not stop her from continuing: “When my mother died, she left a will stating that if my father remarried, her estate would be entirely donated to charity. This threatened my father, making him dare not act rashly. Before she died, she told that woman full of hate that she would never set foot in the Lian family’s house, and her son would always bear the name of an illegitimate child. After my grandfather took me back, he forbade my father from bringing them back to the Lian family’s mansion. However, today, my grandfather went to Anzhou to recuperate, and my father brought that woman and her son, openly appearing at my birthday party, acting like a loving father and a filial son, with a loving family.”

She paused, her voice low and sorrowful: “At that moment, I suddenly felt so ironic. Why bother celebrating my birthday so grandly? Looking around at the boisterous crowd, I didn’t know what they were celebrating. Even I couldn’t find the meaning of my existence. Who, then, would be grateful for my existence…”

Lu Zizheng felt her sweater was wet, and along with it, her heart felt a bit damp too. Finally, her heart softened, and she called out the name she hadn’t uttered since their reunion: “Lian Xuan…”

Her voice was gentle: “Lian Xuan, happy birthday.”

She saw Lian Xuan slightly lift her face from her shoulder, her eyes still glistening with tears, but her cheeks showed a sweet smile: “Zizheng, ever since our reunion, I’ve been waiting, waiting for you to call me like this again.”

Lian Xuan said, “My mother never understood how to fight for her own love in her entire life. She only knew that she couldn’t let go of what should have belonged to her—her husband, her status, and her estate after her death. So, she only taught me to preserve what should belong to me on her behalf. She didn’t tell me if holding on still brings unhappiness, should I let go? If what I obtain is not what I most desire, should I abandon it? Zizheng, teach me.”

Lu Zizheng gave Lian Xuan a deep look but avoided the question, turning her head and lightly comforting her: “You will be happy.” Lian Xuan herself didn’t even know what she wanted, how could she teach her? She didn’t know what kind of answer Lian Xuan wanted from her, or perhaps, Lian Xuan didn’t really expect her to provide an answer.

Lian Xuan let out a long sigh, nostalgically said, “Zizheng, since my mother passed away until now, the days I have been happy were only that short year with you. Since then, it seems happiness has been hard to come by.”

Lu Zizheng saw that Lian Xuan’s sweet and charming face, which once intoxicated her, was now filled with bitterness and melancholy, making her heart sink as well. She then saw Lian Xuan lift her head from her shoulder, look around, and point delicately into the distance, recounting: “I remember there was a fishing platform over there. At that time, you were so clumsy, you didn’t catch a single fish; next to it was a water park. You were timid at the time and didn’t dare to walk across the suspension bridge alone. A bit further was our dormitory, where the rules were strict at night, and the dorm supervisor was fierce. It was then that you became brave and insisted on bringing me here. As a result, we were caught by the dorm supervisor, and we ran all the way, laughing all the way…”

“Ran all the way, laughing all the way…” The last word “laugh” was drowned in Lian Xuan’s bitter smile.

Everything she recounted, Lu Zizheng also remembered clearly. Many years ago, when she liked Lian Xuan, thinking about it felt as sweet as honey on her heart. For a long time after Lian Xuan left, recalling it felt like salt was being rubbed into her wounds.

That year, the grade organized a spring outing. Lu Zizheng usually did not participate in such group activities because whenever it came time to freely choose dormitories, she would face the awkward situation of no one wanting to pair with her. This time, however, because of Lian Xuan, there was an exception.

Lian Xuan invited her to share a dormitory with her, and because the spring outing site was one of the Lian family’s properties and Lian Xuan had a special status, they could apply for a two-person room. Naturally, Lu Zizheng agreed without hesitation and was extremely excited.

During the spring outing, Lian Xuan stayed by her side the entire time. After visiting several pavilions with the main group, Lian Xuan applied to the leading teacher for free activities with Lu Zizheng. Hence, what was supposed to be a group spring outing turned into an outing for the two of them.

It was the perfect season of thriving grass and singing orioles, with splendid spring scenery. Lian Xuan got the idea of sketching, so the two found a good spot where Lu Zizheng could quietly fish, and Lian Xuan could paint to her heart’s content without disturbing each other.

But when Lu Zizheng rented a fishing rod, cast the bait, and focused wholeheartedly on fishing, Lian Xuan stared at her for a while and teased, “The scenery here is beautiful, but it cannot compare to even one ten-thousandth of you, Zizheng.”

Lu Zizheng’s face instantly turned bright red.

Lian Xuan became even more delighted, impulsively saying, “Zizheng, you are as beautiful as a painting. How could I miss this? Let me paint you and capture this beautiful moment.”

Lu Zizheng, shy and embarrassed, naturally refused. She put down her fishing rod and wanted to get up to grab Lian Xuan’s sketchpad, but Lian Xuan frowned and solemnly instructed her, “Zizheng, don’t move.”

Seeing her serious, although still bashful, Lu Zizheng was happy in her heart. She complied with Lian Xuan, picked up the fishing rod again, and seriously posed as her model.

Later, Lian Xuan always teased her for being clumsy, fishing for half a day without catching a single fish. What she didn’t know was that Lu Zizheng did feel fish biting the bait but was afraid of disturbing Lian Xuan’s painting. So she dared not move, letting the fish nibble the bait and leisurely swim away.

That painting, Lu Zizheng never succeeded in asking for it. Lian Xuan said she wanted to take it home and frame it in her bedroom so that the first thing she saw when she opened her eyes and the last thing she saw before closing them would be her.

At that time, Lian Xuan spoke so gently and sincerely that Lu Zizheng almost fell into one of the three great illusions in life¹, thinking, “She likes me too.”

Later, they went together to the water park next to the fishing platform. There, the suspension bridge was thrillingly placed, with exclamations and laughter constantly ringing in their ears. Lian Xuan wasn’t interested, but Lu Zizheng was eager to try. Lian Xuan encouraged her to give it a go. However, Lu Zizheng was willing but lacked the courage. She had barely taken a few steps on the bridge when the students ahead of her took heavy steps, causing the bridge to sway violently. The wooden planks of the bridge began to sink, wetting her shoes. Lu Zizheng tightly gripped the iron cables, her legs refusing to move another step.

Unbeknownst to her, Lian Xuan had also stepped onto the bridge. She gently took Lu Zizheng’s hand and comforted her with a smile, “Zizheng, don’t be afraid. I’m holding your hand. If we fall into the water, I’ll be with you.”

She tightly grasped Lian Xuan’s hands, feeling as if she held the entire world. Her heart filled with boundless courage. With Lian Xuan by her side, not just this small suspension bridge, but even mountains of swords and seas of flames, the underworld and the heavens, she feared nothing. So, they calmly crossed the small lake, hand in hand, walking over the swaying iron cable bridge.

That night, after watching the evening show and returning to the dormitory, it was curfew time. Lu Zizheng sat by the window counting stars. Gazing at the distant grassy slope, she suddenly felt an overwhelming romantic sentiment and insisted on coaxing Lian Xuan to go with her.

“The stars are twinkling in the sky, a cool breeze is blowing on the slope, and fireflies are flashing as they fly by. Don’t you want to experience it?” Lu Zizheng spoke enticingly, and Lian Xuan was tempted by her words.

So, the two turned off the lights and carefully made their way down. Just as they were about to leave the dormitory area, they were spotted by the dorm supervisor in the distance, who shouted loudly, “Go back…”

Lu Zizheng, however, grabbed Lian Xuan’s hand and began to run. The louder the dorm supervisor shouted, the faster they ran. Panting heavily, they ran far, far away. Lian Xuan, gasping for breath, reminded Lu Zizheng, “We should… we should stop, they probably… didn’t follow us…”

Lu Zizheng slowly came to a halt and looked back. Indeed, the empty avenue was deserted, with only the two of them in sight.

She glanced at Lian Xuan, who was flushed from running, her hair disheveled, and lightly panting, looking exceptionally adorable. Lian Xuan complained, “It’s all your fault. Didn’t you say we wouldn’t get caught? Liar…”

Lu Zizheng shyly shook Lian Xuan’s hand and obediently admitted her mistake, “It’s me, it’s all my fault. If we get caught, I’ll definitely admit that it was me who led Lian Xuan astray. Lian Xuan is a good kid…”

Watching her act so cute and obedient, Lian Xuan couldn’t help but burst into laughter. Seeing her laugh, Lu Zizheng couldn’t help but laugh too. She then pulled Lian Xuan along, running and laughing, their laughter mingling with the sound of their footsteps, echoing on the quiet road…

But ah, time changes, and what’s past doesn’t need to be brought up again. Lian Xuan didn’t know that all the memories she gave her only served as a reminder that the most unpredictable thing in this world is the human heart, and the easiest thing to change is affection.

The bitterness and grievances Lian Xuan experienced made Lu Zizheng feel heartache and sadness for her. However, this couldn’t be a reason for her to maliciously blame and hurt her.

Another cold wind blew, and Lu Zizheng couldn’t help but shiver. Lian Xuan noticed and pulled herself out of her memories, apologizing, “I’m sorry, it was impulsive of me tonight. Without thinking, I took the highway and brought you here. It’s late now, and you’ll have to endure spending the night here with me. I’ll take you back first thing in the morning.”

Lu Zizheng shook her head, indicating she didn’t mind.

Lian Xuan then got up, draped the coat back over Lu Zizheng, and quickly walked ahead to lead the way.

Fortunately, after descending the slope, there was a hotel not far away. Lian Xuan showed her identification and got a double room. Lu Zizheng quietly followed behind her, complying with her arrangements.

The room had two beds placed side by side, and the layout was quite similar to the dormitory they once shared. Everything that happened tonight was eerily similar to back then, yet it ended in a different manner.

That year, after they returned from stargazing and frolicking on the grassy slope, it was late and cold. After washing up, Lian Xuan didn’t want to crawl into her own cold bed. Smiling, she climbed into Lu Zizheng’s bed, slipped under the covers, and tightly hugged Lu Zizheng like a koala, coquettishly saying, “Zizheng, you’re so warm. Should I take you home and hide you, so you can warm my bed every night?” She didn’t see the blush on Lu Zizheng’s ears and the shy smile at the corners of her mouth hidden under the quilt. Back then, Lu Zizheng hugged her back, not knowing how many times she silently agreed in her heart, “I would love to.”

Now, after the two of them briefly washed up in the bathroom, they wished each other goodnight, got into their respective beds, and turned off the lights to sleep.

The watch ticked clearly, and Lu Zizheng could hear it distinctly. On such an unfamiliar bed, she couldn’t fall asleep.

After a long while, Lu Zizheng realized that Lian Xuan was also suffering from insomnia because she heard Lian Xuan softly calling her name in the dark, “Zizheng, are you asleep?”

Lu Zizheng kept her eyes closed and pretended to be asleep, not responding to her.

Then, she heard the rustling sound of the bed covers and Lian Xuan’s light footsteps as she got out of bed.

Lu Zizheng felt Lian Xuan standing by her bed. As her breathing got closer, a pair of slightly cool hands smoothed over her slightly furrowed brows, gently and slowly, as if trying to smooth out those tiny wrinkles.

Finally, Lian Xuan’s breath got even closer, and a warm kiss landed on Lu Zizheng’s forehead.

In the silence, Lu Zizheng heard Lian Xuan murmur softly, “Zizheng, I’m so tired. I really wish I could hear you play ‘Canon’ again…”

Back then, Lu Zizheng had told Lian Xuan: ‘Canon’ represents joy within sadness, happiness within tranquility, sunshine within darkness, and hope within despair.

Once, Lian Xuan had such a presence to her, but she didn’t know when such a unique position had already been replaced by Jiang Huaixi.

Feeling the warm breath of Lian Xuan beside her, Lu Zizheng’s heart felt icy cold. She couldn’t help but bitterly smile and question herself inwardly: How can you ask anyone for a love that lasts forever? You once promised countless times in your heart that you would love Lian Xuan for a lifetime, that you would ensure she lives without worries, and protect her well-being for a lifetime. But now, Lian Xuan hasn’t changed, yet haven’t you changed?

In this world, is there really any flower that blooms forever without withering, any people who stay together forever without parting, or any heart that remains unchanged for a long time?

Huaixi, in the end, I still dare not gamble again.

Just because, I cannot afford to lose you.

Behind the forgotten photo left on the desk in the study, the period after the words “May we live long and share the beauty of the moon even a thousand miles apart” is only half drawn, never completing the circle…²

LP: Re-translated on August 05, 2024

1. Three great illusions in life: A humorous saying in Chinese culture. The three illusions are “the phone is vibrating,” “someone is calling my name,” and “she likes me.”
2. Chinese Period ( 。): The full stop or period in Chinese punctuation is a small circle, used to denote the end of a sentence. This is different from the English period, which is a dot.